to bring a child up without a dad?

[californiabreeze]

Is this bad for children? I am thinking sperm donation rather than failed relationships but worry about not having any positive male role models.

Darcy, that child clearly has problems. It's a bit shortsighted to attribute it to him not having a father when there are millions of examples of people who are not 'irrevocably broken' by not having a father.

Speaking as someone who's been a single parent in the past, 2 parents are better than one - it's a very lonely job to do on your own and physically can be very hard work. I don't think it needs to be a mum and dad necessarily the research suggests kids of lesbian couples do best but growing up in a family unit which has a partnership of two adults is the best for kids.

I'd be very worried about doing it with no support as well. I have a friend who adopted an 18 month old on her own, without family support and it has been a real challenge - they have become very insular over the last decade. And she does have the support of friends. Certainly better for him than care or his birth family, but actually not ideal.

I'd worry about how the child will feel once and adult and realises they have no clue about half of their background. I've had to put down family history of illness etc when filling in medical forms , must be sad to have no idea .

I think if you have one parent who truly loves and wants you, that counts for an awful lot. I am constantly reading posts on here by women who have 2 or 3 young children and are pregnant again (by accident) with a new partner, who seems uncommitted at best, abusive at worst. These are the children I would worry about most, not the much-wanted only child of a thoughtful, loving mother.

I suspect it is harder on kids to know they have a father out there but he doesn't want to know them. The statistics on how children find growing up without fathers in their lives will be very skewed by children in this situation.

I'm just pondering rather than suggesting but I guess another option to sperm donor is to have a baby and share parenting with a man who'd like a child. I think it'd involve a lot of trust on both sides though.

I appreciate that mia but these are the reasons he gives his psychiatrist. I realise he is only 10, only been like this for six years and doesn’t know his own mind

You may think my anecdotal story is just one child but read back and tell the poster babycham that they are just one Well, I was raised without a father, and it's taken until my mid thirties to realise just how much it damaged me.

Im afraid you can try and justify single parenthood it all you like - as already pointed out up the thread - children in a stable two parent home fare much better in life for a myriad of reasons. So to deliberately create an environment where a child is unlikely to thrive as much as his peers IMHO is very wrong. Nit pick it all you like – and I have qualified my thoughts with stable and I do not sweepingly just he judgemental all.

Well I'm a divorced Mum with a dd.

I feel it was better for her to be away from her Father and his violence towards me. She's doing fine and is off to Uni tomorrow.

It's something that my wider family has experienced. It can be absolutely fine, producing some of the nicest, most rounded adolescents/young adults I've ever met (and feel myself privileged to be related to). I can also think of an example where it's really not working but I think this is down to the personality of the solo parent who possibly has unrealistic ideas on what single parenting is like (ie rewards come years down the line after years of relentless slog as only-cop parent). She seems to want companions rather than a child, won't let anyone else tell them off etc etc and it's not a happy situation for either parent or child at the moment. Perhaps think about what you want out of it? And whether your expectations are realistic? Babies are sweet but the toddler-to-teenager bit can be absolutely horrendous if you've got no support (and lasts over a decade).

No Dad ever in the picture is probably fine imo.

Shit Dads, whether present or absent, are where the problems arise.

I don't have evidence but I bet those prison statistics refer to men whose Dad buggered off or showed little interest rather than those who were conceived by way of donated sperm.

A child who is brought up being told in an age appropriate way that he born because "Mummy wanted a baby very much and decided to do it without a Daddy. All your family love you very much etc " wouldn't have any of the same issues.

Indeed, Darcy. It's not inevitable that missing-out on a father or mother will fuck someone up, but I do strongly believe it increases the chances. I'm not just referring to, but a number of my friends with very similar backgrounds.

Of course there are amazing same-sex couple and single parents, but that doesn't completely obviate the fact that there are two sexes on this planet, with different physiologies, psychologies and developmental trajectories. We hear so often that diversity is important, well; it's at its most important in parenting.

While I can only speak for myself, I do believe this goes for parent-child relationships of opposite- and same-sex. At the risk of sounding all Freudian, it's a fundamental part of how we learn to relate to our own and each others' sex.

Ooops. I'm not just referring to myself

I'm considering the same at the moment, and it is definitely a worry factor for me - more the potential for the child to resent the choice in the future. However, what's tipping me towards 'it will be OK' is that I and several of my closest friends all grew up without fathers (either because they had died or left), and we all had really happy childhoods and are now happy, pretty 'normal' adults with wonderful relationships with our mums so it's totally not the be all and end all. What I would say is that a lack of support/network would be more of a concern - we all had close relationships with grandparents/aunts/uncles, and our mums also had great friends around them. I do think that having each other helped too - if lots of the kids you grow up with also only have a mum then you feel less of a stigma about it, so if I do go ahead with donor then I'll definitely be looking for a SMBC network nearby.

A recent study (I think I saw it linked from The Pool) found that there was no adverse effects on children raised by single parents. A pp mentioned men in prison with no fathers - there have been numerous other factors linked to men becoming criminals, being raised in poverty is one that springs to mind

There is actual research on this topic from Cambridge University Children's and Families Depart. They recognised the fact that children from lone mothers by sperm donation were an entirely different category to the umbrella term children by single mothers. They have conducted studies over a decade I believe and still continue to be involved with the families they have worked with to this day.
Their results show that lone mothers who have children by sp fare extremely well socially and academically. Their findings were consistent with children from 2 parent lesbian families who also fared very well and in some categories, better than 2 parent heterosexual families.
Some of the factors suggested were the fact that women in this category tended to be academically successful, financially sound and generally older than those in the umbrella term single mothers category. They would also have spent a great deal of time and effort planning their parenting journey in a way that most parents don't.
Finally, there was evidence to suggest that of those children who seem to fare poorly in single parent households, trauma due to parental relationships and financial hardship were huge factors. Sorry for the essay but I found the study really interesting!

Darcy - I feel sad that DS doesn't have a father in his life, however I don't feel its fair to say that I was wrong to have him and he isn't likely to thrive because of this.

He has a wonderful life and is doing exceptionally well, as this has been commented on throughout his life.

I'm not trying to justify single parenthood - if I had a choice I'd be in a 'traditional' family unit (with several more children), however this isn't an option for everyone. And having a happy single parent is surely much better for a child than living in an unhappy home.

Here it is

www.the-pool.com/life/life-honestly/2017/27/zoe-beaty-on-single-parent-families

There's plenty of children brought up by single mums with absent fathers, my eldest DC being one of them. He's a polite, well brought up, happy boy and doesn't have a lack of male role models, he has a great bond with my partner, my dad and my brother. I don't think he's ever noticed his own father's absence as he was never around. He may as well have been a sperm donor x

Do the posters here who believe a lack of father makes no difference think the lack of a mother is the same? And is that the same for both girls any boys?

Are two male gay parents exactly the same as two gay female parents, or two heterosexual parents?

I'm absolutely not making a moral judgment on this. There are good and bad parents of every variety. I always get a strong sense of hypocrisy from many people's position on this though.

Having children is ultimately and act of selfishness and ego (which is fine, and natural), but actively choosing to be a sole parent in these circumstances does seem to be even more so.

Great response from Tylee

My SDs grew up without a mother due to cancer, but they are doing well.

A child who has never had a father (SD) is surely going to feel very differently than one who father, who then directly rejected them, alongside a massive upheaval in personal circumstances.

I'm sure if you take the men in prison without a father statistic and remove all the other factors, you'd find that purely not having a father makes no difference. I bet our prisons are not stuffed with the offspring of fathers who died of cancer who had good life insurance in place and a mother with good emotional support around her.

I don't know if I would choose to use a SD myself. I think not. But I don't think the outcome of it is prison!

No man in my life and my lot perfectly fine with it. I'd go for it if it's right for you

Surely it's down to the personality of the child? Some kids will turn out fine, others will be damaged. That is going to be the case whatever the parental situation. There are plenty of broken people from two-parent families, and plenty of happy, well-rounded people from single parent families (however they were conceived).

I am a solo parent by choice, having used an anonymous sperm donor to have my daughter, and its the best decision I have ever made. She is surrounded by people who love her - my family and friends. I see so many friends who have frustrating and difficult relationships with the father of their children, some who are in relationships with them and others who aren't, and I am so happy that I don't have to deal with that. No one to disappoint me or my daughter and let us down. Not that I'm saying that all fathers are like that, far from it. My daughter is clever and funny and kind, and will not want for anything in her life, she is only 2 and a half, but knows that she doesn't have a daddy, and as she gets older I'll explain to her why in an honest way. I am happier that I ever dared to imagine I could be. Being a mother has changed me in the best possible way, and if you are considering this route then I would advocate it. As someone else here said, there is a huge difference between mothers who have chosen to have a child solo, and mothers who have been let down by the father of their children.

Youve got no support at all? No family, no friends? Then no, I'd not have a child.

As for whether having no father will damage a child - it will depend on how good a mum you are, on how things pan out and also on the child's personality. I would think it would affect most children but few would actually be "damaged".

I wouldn't and I think it's a very selfish thing to do. The best thing for any child has to be to have good relationships with their biological mother and father.

Of course sometimes relationships break down and the child may lose touch with one parent. Or a parent might die. These children will probably usually be fine but it is definitely a second best option - to deliberately choose this for your child seems to not be very loving.

It's totally understandable that people want to have children but really the child's interests should come first.

In the case of same sex couples, if things can be arranged in such a way that the child will have regular contact with their biological father or mother, I think it's fine. I know of gay/lesbian couples who have a reciprocal arrangement to enable their children to know their genetic parents. Alternatively gay couples or single people could adopt a child who already hasn't got the chance for a good ongoing relationship with their biological parents.

It's not just about role models - it's about knowing who you are and where you come from. This should be a right of any child/adult if at all possible. In adopted families things are moving towards more contact with birth parents and that children should know their family history and meet their parents once they are adults themselves. This is because the problems of not knowing where you come from are being more widely recognised.