to bring a child up without a dad?

[californiabreeze]

Is this bad for children? I am thinking sperm donation rather than failed relationships but worry about not having any positive male role models.

Popping back to say: the important thing is to grow up in a stable, loving, supportive family. That's obviously easier if there are two of you to share the workload, but it's perfectly possible on your own. And for some parents, it's much easier to provide that on your own than it is to provide it in an failing relationship.

Fastnotfurious That study doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

Do the posters here who believe a lack of father makes no difference think the lack of a mother is the same? And is that the same for both girls any boys?

As I said above, I don't believe a lack of father always makes no difference, I think it's complicated. I think single fathers face additional difficulties that single mothers may not: they may not have been the primary parent before, and have to learn a whole lot of new parenting skills that their partner previously took on. (Or they may not have to - every family is different). They probably find it harder to make parent friends and access support - it can be really intimidating to be the only male at parent and toddler group, for example. And if they've grown up in the sort of family that teaches boys not to access their emotions, that adds another level of difficulty.

However, again, those are only factors that MIGHT influence their parenting. They may have been primary parent from day one, live in an area with loads of dads groups and have loads of dad friends and be incredibly emotionally mature. In which case they'd probably cope better than the children's mother would have done.

I dunno about the boy and girl thing. My guess would be that it depends on the child and parent far more than it depends on the gender.

I think the support bit is the important part. I have a husband but we have no family around to help with our children. Between the two of us we manage but it would be really hard on my own. We have made parent friends but they obviously have their own small children to manage so it's hard to drop your chicken poxed child off so you can go to the supermarket etc. It's also difficult if a child has chicken pox so needs a week off nursery and then gets d&v a fortnight later etc it is a lot for one person to take off work.

My husband works away a lot (he's away at the moment) and what I find hardest is the evenings, just being able to tell someone 'the baby pooed on me today' or just adult conversation. I have two children and knowing what I know now if I was alone I wouldn't have children.

I wouldn't never ever consider it without any support

It's worrying how many people are saying 'well my child is fine' or 'it doesn't affect my child' often when the child is only 6 or 7. Or even worse 'it is working out well for me'. But how will the children feel when they are teenagers or later on become parents and their children only have one set of grandparents and half a background missing.

I agree with whoever said up thread that in 20 years time we are going to have a group of children out there expressing their anger about this. If you google you will already find a small but steady stream of blogs for young adults who resent not knowing half their family.

Yes but it depends on what the environment a child is growing up in and if in my case the child saw their Mother being attacked then she is better off away from her Father.
I have managed quite well without him and wish folk wouldn't speculate on other peoples lives

Portia Mumsnet is pretty much constant speculation about other people's lives, AIBU doubly so. You need to keep away from threads like this if that bothers you.

And of course far better no father than an abusive one but that's not the choice facing the OP.

My father died when I was very young and it had a huge negative impact on me which took me years to come to terms with. My mother was and is an absolute hero, she did an incredible job with very little by way of support and resources and I will be forever grateful for that but please don't under estimate the importance of both parents.

My mum could do nothing to prevent my dad's death and she was as devastated by it as I was, our bond was strengthened as a result. I'm not sure what our bond would be like if she'd chosen to raise us without a father though. I would rather not consider that scenario in any real detail but I would urge you, OP, to think very carefully about comments along the lines of "if your child never had a father to begin with they won't miss him". Some children may be absolutely fine without a father, some may be very good at hiding their pain to spare the feelings of their sole parent. Others are clearly traumatised and the absence of one of their parents impacts every stage of their development, perhaps even well into adulthood. It's not for me to weigh in on whether you should go ahead with sperm donation or not, but when making your decision PLEASE don't underestimate the possible consequences of bringing a child into the world with no prospect of them ever meeting their father.

"I think it's highly likely that in 25 years time we will see a generation of adults who have been damaged by having been conceived through donation with no way of knowing who they were or where they came from. In the same way that letterbox contact became a thing because of the damage lack of contact with biological parents did to adopted children, the same should become a reality for donor conceived children, and will happen IMO, but the numbers of donors will likely fizzle out as a result."

As usual some posters on here posting "facts" about something they know nothing about. All children born in Uk since 2005 from sperm, egg and embryo donation have the right to have identifying information about their donor. If you do it using Uk fertility clinics and don't buy unsafe sperm from the internet or go abroad for a "cheap" deal your child will have access to half its genetic heritage (whether donor will agree to contact is obviously up to them but given donors are counselled before donating they will be aware this is a possibility and hopefully have thought it through and understand that they have some responsibilities to provide info etc).There is also a register allowing contact between half-siblings. I have 3 children born to an id-revealed sperm donor (now the norm) and they have the right at 18 to find donor/sibs and there are methods to do this unofficially before then (genetic testing websites are adept at finding genetic families) but my kids are not interested at present and I'm not going to push it until they are.

Speak to the DCN (Donor Conception Network) OP as they can put you in touch with other women who have been in your position and hopefully you will get a balanced view of the positives/difficulties.

Can't you co-parent instead. Met a couple who did this( married Fathers) and single mom. child is the sweetest most self contained little chap you ever.

My dd is nearly 14. She isn't aware of the fact she's meant to be broken, or irrevocably damaged, and instead is happy, well adjusted and thriving. More so than many couples dc. Then again, we tend to form our views on fact, rather than stereotypes, and are both intelligent enough to interpret statistics correctly, rather than take them at face value.

I could also share lots of anecdotes about the damaged dc of naice couples, but just like the lone parents anecdotes, they hardly represent the majority.

Dd wasn't donor conceived, but might as well have been. If I'd ever seriously considered another, then I would have gone the donor route.

Practically it is harder, but as I've nothing to compare it to I have the reversed perspective that it must just be easy with two parents. Also hard because a minority of people have some ignorant opinions on single parents. They expect you and your dc to be less worthy/ objects of pity, and ime get really narked if you actually do as well, or better than them. If you can manage the practical side and are mentally tough, then no reason why not to just because you are single.

As to ideal families, imo it's like eugenics. Nobody sane believes only intelligent, attractive healthy people should have kids, and I don't see that having two parents and four grandparents is a prerequisite to reproducing either.

I'd be more worried about surviving as a possible single parent.

It's not like getting a kitten.

anonymousus.org/stories/

If you're serious about going it alone with no support, I'd read the second story. Some kids are fine, some aren't. But I'm sure they'll all have questions, so perhaps a fertility clinic route, where information is accessible, is for the best.

Damaged

OP, I had my DC whilst married, however his father fucked off and I have raised him alone since he was a baby. So, ok, most posters believe that ideally you should have a child whilst in a stable relationship and raise the child together. Life happens, however secure you might think your decisions are. You might meet someone and have a kid and they may opt out of parenting. They might be an awful dad who lets their kid down half the time. They might be shit and yet your own child has to spend half their week in their sole care. You might end up having endless court battles over custody. A child being raised by one parent is certainly not the most damaging experience for a child that can be envisaged. My DC is lovely, happy and has a good life. There is no denying that practically it is more difficult doing it alone, but not impossible.

Surviving as a single parent? Why? Is there a zombie apocalypse on the horizon that will target only one parent families?

Oh, and also, a huge shut the fuck up to all of the judgemental posters undermining single parents and making assumptions about how damaged their poor children are.

Because as long as children are raised by two parents they live charmed lives

Nothing wrong with being a LP Sis and I were raised by one, and our DF wasn't a great role model, never around alcoholic rarely saw him.
We are fine.
Cousin is raising her son with her same sex partner, both have healthy normal sons teen and nearly teen, one each.
A LP is better than a child seeing an unhealthy relationship, so if you haven't met the right person, do it alone.

Because as long as children are raised by two parents they live charmed lives

Yes, I like the assumption that straight, two parent families have a totally unblemished record in bringing up children.

I would say that in my experience, your relationship with your father is important. I say that as someone who had a great relationship with her dad, despite my mum and dad splitting when I was 10. Even if the relationship fails the child can still have a good relationship with the non-resident parent. My dad died recently and I now am acutely aware of what it's like to not have a dad. Obviously though there is some element of you can't miss what you never had in regards to children born by sperm donation, but I do think having a relationship with your father is important

I am also a single parent myself now, but working hard to maintain a good relationship between my daughter and her dad

A bad relationship with a father is worse than good male role models who don't live with you.
Many people are single parents and we dont all raise damaged kids. If you have no support the first 6 years are the toughest. Maybe you could foster for a couple of years to see how you get on?

"DarceyBusselsNose

My best friend, her partner left when she was 3 month pregnant. The child is damaged, irrevocably broken by having no father. She isn't alone - she lives in a multi generational house, the child has three able bodied indulgent adults tending his every whim BUT he constantly makes reference to no father in his life. Hes under CAMHs for anger issues, every avenue of school councelling you can throw a stick at. He's 10 and this all because he has a sense of injustice at having no father. "

Oh God. I know this was ages ago, but ffs. What a hateful cunt you are.

Threads like this make me question whether I should have stayed with my abusive alcoholic ex. Then I remember that it's impossible to accurately study this kind of thing there are far too many factors and influences and you just can adjust for all of them to make the data worth anything.

My kids are better with their father out of it. Obviously two happy parents is the ideal, but anybody who says that my children will suffer more with me being a lone parent is incorrect. Fuck male role models too.. All the 'strong male influences' in my kids life aren't positive role models.

Oh, and also, a huge shut the fuck up to all of the judgemental posters undermining single parents and making assumptions about how damaged their poor children are.

This. A thousand times. I'm appalled that so many people on this thread have spewed their own opinions as fact. And these blogs about people resenting being brought into the world by donation? You can find a blog for absolutely anything nowadays. And frankly, I'm certain there will be more blogs in existence where people thank their lone parent than those that condemn them.

Some posters have outlined very good studies that strongly suggest this issue is far more complex than simply having both biological parents in their lives. I advise some of the more judgemental posters to educate themselves.

And ask yourselves the following...these children that us lone parents have 'damaged'...do you a really believe they're better off not existing in the first place? Because you're advising the OP not to create one.

Is this bad for children? I am thinking sperm donation rather than failed relationships but worry about not having any positive male role models.

You're asking for opinions, right?So I'm going to give mine, it might not be one you want to hear but you posted on AIBU and I'll try to be gentle.

I personally couldn't possibly contemplate getting pregnant without being stable and married.
To purposefully bring a child up without a dad in the picture at all from the offset is even more alien to me.
Good father figures are just as important as good mother figures.
Children should be borne within stable relationships with both mum and dad present in my opinion.

I'm now reading through all these posts after posting my reply. Maybe I'm sheltered, but I'm 40 and my mum and dad got together as teenagers and had me and siblings after marriage and still together now.
Me with DH for 20 years and kids were born after we got married.
Still together now.
Can't ever imagine getting pregnant with no father figure or family set up, to me that's alien.

with absolutely no thought for the children they are knowingly bringing into single parent families with half their heritage missing.

Yeah, see to me this would be a big thing too. As a child, a person growing up, if you have no idea where half of you comes from....