Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to bring a child up without a dad?

128 replies

californiabreeze · 15/09/2017 11:29

Is this bad for children? I am thinking sperm donation rather than failed relationships but worry about not having any positive male role models.

OP posts:
peppykoala · 16/09/2017 00:38

KrytensNanobots Yes, a little sheltered TBH, but it's being comfortable with what you know. For you that's conventional 2.4 children families - but it's not the only way to have a very happy and even wonderful life. For most people I know family life didn't work out by the book, but that's our normal and I really don't think that it makes for an inferior experience.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 16/09/2017 00:41

"Can't ever imagine getting pregnant with no father figure or family set up, to me that's alien."

Have you got an actual crystal ball?

My wonderful friend got pregnant shortly after she married an incredible man. They had twins! Incredibly sadly, she died of a brain haemorrhage just 7 weeks later.

With all the best will in the world, and the best marriage, and planning for everything..sometimes you just never see it coming.

Lots of judgemental people on this thread that need to wind their fucking neck in.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 16/09/2017 00:44

And this "Yeah, see to me this would be a big thing too. As a child, a person growing up, if you have no idea where half of you comes from...."

Half of you isn't determined by a genetic parent. An enormous part of who you are is determined by the people that love you and look after you when you're small. Genetics play a part, obviously, but it's not half of you as a person.

KrytensNanobots · 16/09/2017 00:44

I just couldn't purposefully bring a child into this world without a father figure via donor. Should be done within a family.
Both mum and dad equally important (obviously barring abusive relationships)

KrytensNanobots · 16/09/2017 00:48

Have you got an actual crystal ball? My wonderful friend got pregnant shortly after she married an incredible man. They had twins! Incredibly sadly, she died of a brain haemorrhage just 7 weeks later.

Sorry if I'm missing something, but if she got pregnant after she had married him, how is that any different to what I'm saying?

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 16/09/2017 00:51

My point is that no matter how safe and secure and proper the environment is that you chose to bring children in to, you have no idea whats going to happen

Thanks for the sympathy btw. Heartfelt.

KrytensNanobots · 16/09/2017 00:53

An enormous part of who you are is determined by the people that love you and look after you when you're small.

Yes, of course, they're the most important people. They frame and shape you in your early years.
I can't imagine purposefully having children with no intention of knowing the father though as a child should know both parents.
To willingly have kids when there's not two parents there from the outset.... no.

squoosh · 16/09/2017 00:57

Maybe I'm sheltered

Yes.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 16/09/2017 00:57

Well, I purposely has children with a man who I thought was a decent bloke, that we'd be together always..he turned into a really abusive bastard who made our lives hell.

I did everything right.. But having this person for a dad is far more damaging for my children. And before you say that this situation is an exception.... It's really really not.

Stop being so judgemental. Do what you want, obviously. Just be a bit more understanding

Pregosaurus · 16/09/2017 00:58

Single mothers are heroes, they really are and I take my hat off. I think "no dad" is a better situation than all sorts of alternatives - disinterested dad, violent dad, lazy feckless dad. And I don't think two women are any worse a prospect as parents than a woman and a man.

That being said, I wouldn't choose to be a single mother knowing what I know now. I am the main carer for our DD and DP doesn't think he could swap roles with me (I'm a SAHM, he works full time), I would be a far worse mother without him. It's not just the financial support that means I don't have to work or worry about money, although that is obviously huge. It's the look on DD's face when he gets home every evening and how happy that makes both of us, our shared pleasure, interest in and enthusiasm for DD and of course the practical support around the house in the evenings and the weekends which as a SAHM I can keep free for family time. It would be lonely watching your child's first steps and not having anyone to be just as proud and excited.

Mine and DD's world would be much less wonderful without him. That's without thinking about how much less patient/ kind I would be without all of his support...

peppykoala · 16/09/2017 01:03

SheRaargh - 100% agree - most of the single parents doing an amazing job are doing so despite having gone through some likely unforeseen horrible trauma on the way. The way I see it with donor is at least if you know you're going to be a single parent you're off to a pretty good start being emotionally & practically prepared for it - and having seen that even when not at all prepared you can still provide a wonderful life for kids to grow up in, can only assume that it can be even better (or at least somewhat easier for the parent) if it's a choice.

Yes in an ideal world we'd all be raised by 2 doting parents etc, but that isn't the real world so it shouldn't be implied that children who don't have that would probably be better off not being born... (and I know no-one has said that explicitly).

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 16/09/2017 01:04

I have to agree. I wouldn't ever have chosen to be a single mother.
. Just.. All the judge bastards.. So annoying. Piss off to another thread pls

cailisto · 16/09/2017 01:04

Honestly - I think a stable, loving environment is a good model for children and bringing a child up in that is better than in a failing relationship. You'll be fine x

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 16/09/2017 01:05

Peppy Grin

Toadinthehole · 16/09/2017 01:09

It's a wise child that knows its own father.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 16/09/2017 01:13

"It's a wise child that knows its own father."

Haha. Oh, do please fuck off immediately with that shite. Ta.

KrytensNanobots · 16/09/2017 01:21

Well I'm a divorced Mum with a dd.I feel it was better for her to be away from her Father and his violence towards me. She's doing fine and is off to Uni tomorrow.

That's different though, as you obviously had children and got divorced for whatever reason. OP is on about deliberately starting off a new life with no intention of knowing who the father is.

Toadinthehole · 16/09/2017 01:21

It's true though.

People tend to want to know their origins. SD children tend to ask questions about such things once they're old enough, and go looking for their SD fathers.

These feelings need to be taken into account. If they didn't care, they wouldn't take these steps. Tell them their feelings are a "load of shite".

I bet you won't.

SpareASquare · 16/09/2017 02:10

My best friend, her partner left when she was 3 month pregnant. The child is damaged, irrevocably broken by having no father

I'll back Darcy up with my ten year old who had five years with Camhs and is the exact same

I hate bullshit statements like this. It is simply not true.
Children can be raised just fine without one parent, whether it be the mother or the father. To solely attribute it to a lack of father just camouflages the real issue and ensures the problems continue.

lynmilne65 · 16/09/2017 07:32

well said Tylee (don't know how ro bold yet😳)

kittybiscuits · 16/09/2017 07:44

I would ignore specific examples of individual very damaged children. In any case, it's ridiculous to attribute these simply to no dad. Completely ridiculous.

I agree no dad is much better than a shitdad.

I think if you want to do this and can manage the practical aspects then you should go for it. Many happy and healthy adults have been raised by lone parents. There is nothing intrinsically bad about it at all. It's a huge responsibility to bear on your own, but even when that's not the plan, it often ends up that way.

acapellagirl · 16/09/2017 08:02

Your child will have plenty of role models throughout life. Please go for it if you want to x

Londoncheapo · 16/09/2017 08:03

As I understand, the children of single-mothers-by-choice (sperm donation) appear to do well in life without a father.

www.bionews.org.uk/page_669381.asp

The fact that "children without a father" as a group don't do so well is probably a bit of a red herring--there are a lot of reasons why children in this group as a whole are often troubled. Many of these reasons are irrelevant to single-mothers-by-choice who use donated sperm.

I would not worry about the male role model thing at all.

I don't really understand Darcey's post at all. It has nothing to do with your situation.

It is however very hard to raise a child by yourself, esp in the early years. You will need enough money and some sort of a support network. Do your research, talk to people who have done this.

JayDot500 · 16/09/2017 08:18

I think the fact this OP has no family or other form of support is the greater issue here.

Dad, no dad, that argument is pointless since it really depends on the child imo. Some are absolutely fine, some are deeply resentful, she'll never know until her child says so.

jobergamot · 16/09/2017 08:22

Hello OP; I am more concerned about the fact that you say you have no support than choosing to be a single mother. "It takes a village to raise a child" and you will need some support very definitely. Some of the posters on this forum do not seem to realise that families are not just 2.4 these days and can be made up of a myriad of Dynamics and my opinion is we are all the better as a society for it.