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Original poster

Friends and infertility

58 replies

Hana101 · 14/09/2017 22:52

Posting on behalf of a friend...

Dearest friend 1 and dearest friend 2 are both struggling with secondary infertility.
Bit of background infor DF1 has 1 DS (age 9) and DF2 had 1 DD (age 5) both have struggled for numerous years to have second child. Both work with DF1 in fairly good job and DF2 has a rewarding job but not as well paid ( adding as relevant).DF2 has recently gone through her first cycle of IVF and had now been dropping comments to DF1 that she should also be looking to go
Down this route and generally giving out unwanted advice. Also commenting to DF1 that she should definitely be able to afford it as she has a much better job then DF2 and they were able to get it done (cost her circa £8k)
DF1 is really fed up with all the comments and after a particularly heavy hammering of comments tonight DF1 is ready to end the friendship, would she be unfair is her worry. And would she then be accused of jealousy?

Wow that was long!

OP posts:
Belindaboom · 14/09/2017 22:53

What a vile thread title.

Original poster
Hana101 · 14/09/2017 22:56

Belindaboom

To add this is what DF1 asked as she feels they are both in the same boat she is justified in saying it.

How I do agree it can be perceived as very brash to someone who is struggling.

OP posts:
Belindaboom · 14/09/2017 22:57

If you want any kind of response I'd ask for the title to be changed.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2017 22:59

Why can't your friend act like an adult and tell Miss Know-it-All to shut her trap? She should tell her that her unsolicited advice is not wanted and she doesn't want to hear it.

Bizzysocks · 14/09/2017 23:06

What aqua said. Why didn't you say what aqua said to your friends1?

Nuttynoo · 14/09/2017 23:08

Why isn't DF1 doing IVF too? Maybe she should stop moaning about her infertility to others when she isn't prepared to do go all the way. I am infertile and take any piece of information available.

StripeyMonkey1 · 14/09/2017 23:14

DF2 sounds very insecure about her own choices and is probably very worried about the cost and whether the ivf will work. I think she is looking for DF1 to make the same choices to validate them as 'right'.

If DF1 is being adult about it she will just say to DF2 she will think about it or that it is not the right choice for her right now but she can see why it could be completely right for DF2. If DF1 also wants to be insecure (she is struggling too in fairness) she can say whatever she likes, possibly with some justification. Downside is that she will know that she is hurting someone who is also suffering infertility and is desperately worried that she has also made the wrong and expensive choices.

Original poster
Hana101 · 14/09/2017 23:14

I remain impartial as we have all been freinds for many years but DF1 has hinted out to DF2 that ivf is not something there ready for. I think she's more fed up of DF2 implying that money is holding her back (I'm pretty sure it's problems in the marriage)

I have 3 DC and sometimes feel any comment made from me regarding the infertility would be met with a "how do u know" if you know what I mean...

OP posts:
twinklestar2 · 14/09/2017 23:15

What an awful thread title

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/09/2017 23:16

Didn't you think when you posted that title Shock

Sheesh

HoorayForBoobies · 14/09/2017 23:17

No I'm sorry but that's just too horrible a title to even respond to.

Original poster
Hana101 · 14/09/2017 23:19

It seems the title will cause some issues so I will change.. how would I go about this?

Also please see previous post re why it is titled this...

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 14/09/2017 23:19

You're very over invested in your friends lives. And I imagine that title would be highly offensive to those struggling to conceive. I've never had fertility issues and I think it's vile.

Mammylamb · 14/09/2017 23:20

Nuttynoo it's no one else's business whether df1 goes through ivf or not. It's a fucking stressful process and has to be what the couple want to do. It doesn't work for all types of infertility and there may well be information that neither of her friends is privy to. We struggled to conceive for years and honestly I wanted to slap any person who suggested ivf or asked questions about why we didn't have children

CorbynsBumFlannel · 14/09/2017 23:20

Your previous post gives no insight whatsoever as to why you would have used that title!

Winenight · 14/09/2017 23:23

What has DF1 said to DF2 that is a "hammering"?

Unfortunately there will always be people out there who think they are entitled to give friends unsolicited advice about infertility. What decisions to make about treatment etc are very personal. The worst are people who have never experienced it- I can see how DF1 now believes she is an authority to tell DF2 about it. DF1 can either be straight with DF2 and tell her it's none of her business or end the friendship.

Either way I don't think it is worth you getting involved with their disagreement. Infertility is a tough thing for anyone to go through. Just be supportive and a listening ear for your friends if needed.

StickThatInYourPipe · 14/09/2017 23:27

Maybe you should think before you create very insulting titles. No your friend isn't justified in saying it either, it's just horrid.

MrLovebucket · 15/09/2017 00:02

DF1 is a fucking wimp if she can't just say "the timing isn't right at the moment" or whatever her reason is.

Getting DF3 (you) to post a MN thread on her behalf just confirms that.

DorisDangleberry · 15/09/2017 00:17

My limited knowledge of biology tells me that stuffing things up ones bottom is unlikely to result in pregnancy. Are you suggesting the test tube goes up there as well?

flynn80 · 15/09/2017 03:27

Yeah sorry OP, that title is horrid to those who are also struggling to conceive.

And your friend is a grown woman, im sure she can fight her own battles, so you dont need to worry about her.

Namechangetempissue · 15/09/2017 03:34

Holy shit OP, that title is shocking. What on earth were you thinking?!
Just stay out of your friends issues and be there for them individually.

Hallomiaddicted · 15/09/2017 03:35

Myob

ilovesooty · 15/09/2017 03:44

What on earth possessed you?
I do hope there haven't been too many people distressed by that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2017 04:09

To think she should shove her IVF info here the babies aren't coming from!!!

I have 3 DC and sometimes feel any comment made from me regarding. The infertility would be met with a "how do u know" if you know what I mean...

Wow you really don't have a clue what infertility feels like with a vile vile title like that, do you?!!!

Come back and let us know you're trying to get it and maybe you'll get some better responses.

Report your opening post and ask for a title amendment.

Pennywhistle · 15/09/2017 04:26

I agree the title is dreadful and unhelpful.

We suffered with infertility for many years and went through multiple rounds of treatment in order to conceive our DC.

Following the birth of my DC one woman I knew spent a lot of time talking about her secondary infertility and how distressing it was but how she couldn't bear to have any tests or treatment.

I found that situation very difficult but kept my mouth shut.

It is no one else's business what medical treatment anyone else undertakes. What works for one couple won't necessarily work for a other besides which IVF isn't a magic bullet - the stats are against you.

So I think both women should keep their mouths shut and treat each other and the subject with a little more discretion and respect.

Infertility is not an excuse for anyone to behave badly.

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