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Original poster

Friends and infertility

58 replies

Hana101 · 14/09/2017 22:52

Posting on behalf of a friend...

Dearest friend 1 and dearest friend 2 are both struggling with secondary infertility.
Bit of background infor DF1 has 1 DS (age 9) and DF2 had 1 DD (age 5) both have struggled for numerous years to have second child. Both work with DF1 in fairly good job and DF2 has a rewarding job but not as well paid ( adding as relevant).DF2 has recently gone through her first cycle of IVF and had now been dropping comments to DF1 that she should also be looking to go
Down this route and generally giving out unwanted advice. Also commenting to DF1 that she should definitely be able to afford it as she has a much better job then DF2 and they were able to get it done (cost her circa £8k)
DF1 is really fed up with all the comments and after a particularly heavy hammering of comments tonight DF1 is ready to end the friendship, would she be unfair is her worry. And would she then be accused of jealousy?

Wow that was long!

OP posts:
flumpybear · 15/09/2017 04:37

Why doesn't DF just communicate with her friend? 'DF 2 please can you not talk about IVF it's upsetting me, I'm happy you're doing it but it's not for me'. DF2 is probably excited and scared

TooGood2BeFalse · 15/09/2017 05:43

The pair of you sound pretty obnoxious to be honest.

Hideous thread title.

AdalindSchade · 15/09/2017 05:48

Wanky title aside...

Of course friend 2 should shut her trap. IVF is not risk free by any means and it's really none of friend 2's business whether friend 1 wants to go down that road or not. Maybe with a 9 year old she's come to terms with only having one and doesn't want people dangling carrots in front of her to make her question her decision. Who knows. Friend 2 is being insensitive.

Zebra31 · 15/09/2017 06:13

I can't get past the title. What a horrid thing to say. If that's how she feels then she should do her friend a favour and end the friendship. Unfortunately that title is more of a reflection of you and her than her friend. Awful.

Spikeyball · 15/09/2017 06:17

Awful thread title but I'm sure you knew that.

Expemsiveuniform · 15/09/2017 06:45

There are some thoughts that should stay inside your own head. This thread title is one.

Ava1985 · 15/09/2017 07:25

Even as someone who has no experience of infertility, I find that thread title hugely offensive to struggling women, men and parents around the world in general!

How would you even think of writing something on the Internet like that! Shock

Loopytiles · 15/09/2017 07:28

Offensive title, indicating that you have little empathy for other women! Angry

Ellisandra · 15/09/2017 07:36

Meh.
I had IVF and the title doesn't bother me at all.
It's obvious when you read the OP - not even the follow up title explanation - why the title is what it is, and that it isn't the OP's opinion.

Friend 1 should tell Friend 2 that she doesn't want IVF at this time, and that whilst she's happy to talk IVF when it's about the friend, she doesn't want it pushed at her. Give Friend 2 one chance with that clearly laid out, then ditch her if she can't shut up.

Having been through infertility and IVF, I know it's REALLY fucking annoying when people tell you what you SHOULD do.

I never had a second child - my marriage was in freefall, I wanted a second (IVF) but I didn't want to be a single parent of two and I knew that was where I was heading (I'm now a divorced parent of one)

But even without that, I always found that £10K to have the chance of a family was worth it. £10K for the chance (and it's only a chance) of a second child? That £10K seemed a lot more money than the first £10K.

PoorYorick · 15/09/2017 07:47

Why don't people just talk to each other?

I expect friend 2 honestly thinks she is helping. She probably thinks 1 is worried about IVF for some reason and is trying to reassure her, or just telling her something that worked for her and therefore could work for 1.

Clearly it is not helping 1 so all she has to say is "I know you're trying to help but I'm finding it upsetting, please could we talk about something else? " If 2 persists after that, ok. But she probably wouldn't.

Why do people stew and dry about things and then go to holy he'll feeling so justified without ever even trying to talk to the other person? Why don't people ever fucking TALK?

Yerroblemom1923 · 15/09/2017 07:51

I don't see the issue with the title. How many times can Mumsnetters use the word "vile" on one thread?!

Smidge001 · 15/09/2017 08:07

I've had IVF 6 times and I have no issue with the title at all.
In fact I can only imagine those that do clearly haven't been in the situation of being infertile and frustrated at people constantly giving unsolicited advice.

Spikeyball · 15/09/2017 08:28

6 cycles here too and I think that title is awful.

StatelessPrincess · 15/09/2017 08:29

I'm surprised your friends are having fertility treatment when you all sound about 12

Mittens1969 · 15/09/2017 08:30

I have no issue with the title at all. I could have said some equally strong words when going through infertility. The OP was quoting her friend's words. I identified with her, absolutely. She's being a good friend to both of them. Well done, OP.

I had my SIL telling me I was wrong to do IVF, because I would create 'spare embryos' which are alive. She's had no problems with infertility and already had her 5 children. I was so upset with her.

The irony was, there were no spare embryos. There was only one immature egg.

Women who are infertile just really want support not unsolicited advice.

Jamon · 15/09/2017 08:31

About to start IVF. Should never have clicked on this title. Please change it

totsalot · 15/09/2017 08:39

Fucking hell mind your own business. You're overly invested in your friends relationships.

What a disgusting title. You sound vile.

pilates · 15/09/2017 08:41

Hana101 are you DF1? Regardless, I would tell DF2 to butt out and, if the friendship is to continue, the unwanted advice needs to stop.

isthismummy · 15/09/2017 08:44

I'm struggling with infertility op and find your thread title utterly vile.

Can't even comment on your post. Too horrified contemplating the mindset of a person who could use such a thread title.

EarlGreyT · 15/09/2017 08:53

What a vile thread title.

6 cycles here too and I think it is awful.

I also don't understand why your "friend" doesn't post herself for advice and why you need to involve yourself. Particularly as you don't have any idea what they're going through.

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 15/09/2017 09:23

Morning everyone, thanks for all the reports. We're going to change the title now at the OP's request.

Original poster
Hana101 · 15/09/2017 09:25

I have asked for the title to be revised.

Obviously title is NOT MY OPINION just what DF1 said. TBH I think posters are more outraged at the title before even having read my post and offering helpful advice.

To clarify DF1 has had lots of tests to find underlying cause but conclusion that there is nothing wrong so she is not moaning about it and doing nothing as some have said.

She is not on mumsnet that is why I have posted.

I don't feel I am overly invested in my freinds lives but we are all very close and have been since before we even got to our teenage years.

The original post was asking advice on how she should deal with DF2 and not how she feels about infertility.

I feel the post has thrown a lot of flack at me for someone else's play on a pun.

I think a name change may be in order Confused

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 15/09/2017 09:26

Why can't people get past the title? The op didn't choose it, the friend did. The friend who has fertility issues herself. If you are sensitive about ivf then avoid a thread with it in the title. Why not read the post, ignore the title and answer the question or ignore it all together and don't respond. No real need to respond that you, won't respond.. Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2017 09:41

My dd was born through ivf. It becomes very obsessive and all consuming, especially when an attempt fails. Your friend, who doesn't want ivf at this time needs to tell the other friend she is really pleased with her friends choice. But it is not her choice. If she is pushed for a reason, she just needs to tell her friend she doesn't want to talk about it. A friend should understand and respect this boundary.

Smidge. Dd was born out of ivf. She is my only child. If you don't have a issue with the former thread title, that's fine. It is flippant and wrong to assume anyone, who had an issue with the title obviously hasn't suffered infertility. I was very much thinking of women, who've had failed attempts or are going through ivf right now and as yet do not have a baby may have found the title a trigger.

Anyway I'm really glad it has been changed.

MargaretCavendish · 15/09/2017 09:41

Glad that the hideous title has been changed - and to pp the whole point of a title is that it comes up on the main page, so while you can choose not to open a post you can't avoid an upsetting title.

Anyway... I suspect DF2 is anxious and wants reassurance that IVF is the 'right' thing to do, and so that's why she's trying to persuade DF1 - she's really trying to persuade herself. That's not on if it's upsetting DF1, but the only way to handle it is a direct conversation between the two of them, where DF1 explicitly says that she knows IVF is the right choice for DF2, but it isn't for her. Assuming that you aren't actually DF1, I think you should butt right out, and tell either of them if they complain about the other that because you've been so lucky it's hard for you to fully understand, but that you can see both perspectives. You taking sides or being a go-between on something that's nothing to do with you is doing no one (including you) any good.

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