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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU- DSS doesn't HAVE to move out for uni?

102 replies

righthisone · 14/09/2017 15:00

Will keep it short. We live in London, DSS is going to university in London also. He has decided to live at home, reasons being:

he gets to keep his car
he'll be better off financially
nearer to his girlfriend of four years (very serious relationship, I see it lasting!)
hobbies and activities he enjoys require money, can't afford it at uni
he has a great part time job with future opportunities he enjoys, but it's further afield so couldn't do it from uni with no car
the fact we live 20 bloody minutes away from the union and it seems almost pointless for him to nifd out...
finally, the most silly reason, he has a dog (which is basically his) and leaving the dog is out of the question.

He's a social boy and will have no problem making friends. However, DH thinks he should move out, keeps telling him he'll regret living in, etc... DSS is very much sure of his decision and has said he won't miss out socially as he can drive home or get a taxi back or stay with friends. It just makes so much more sense for him to stay in when we live so near!

So who is BU? Does DH have a point?

OP posts:

BoredOnMatLeave · 14/09/2017 15:03

I agree with you and DSS, no point getting into debts etc (assume he would need help with living costs). Makes no sense to me to leave.

Allthebestnamesareused · 14/09/2017 15:03

I think DH is.

Our personal experience is that when people go to uni in London quite often they live possibly further afield than if they are on a campus uni. My DH found that his uni social life in London revolved around a sports team he played for rather than friends at uni. We have therefore encouraged our kids to go to uni outside of London where there were viable, decent alternatives.

Also in this day and age of the cost of uni I think DSS has his head screwed on!

ElspethFlashman · 14/09/2017 15:05

He can always move out in Yr 2 FFS!

MagicMarkers · 14/09/2017 15:05

Your DH probably does have a point, but it's no fun struggling for money and getting into debt.

Your DSS could always change his mind and move out in a year or two. I think he's being sensible.

Topseyt · 14/09/2017 15:06

It makes sense for him to continue living at home.

DSS is right. Why is DH trying to push him to move out? It isn't as if his social life will suffer at all by the sound of it, and it will greatly minimise the level of student debt he will accumulate.

Camomila · 14/09/2017 15:06

What quite a few people I know did who were localish to uni was that they lived in halls for the first year 'for the experience' and went back home/commuted for the other years. Could that be an option?

Dumbledoresgirl · 14/09/2017 15:12

My husband comes from another country where it is the norm to go to your local uni and live at home for the duration. He and his siblings and everyone he knows did just that. So he would say your dss is in the right.

Living away from home is a part of uni life imo, so I can see your dh's side of the argument, but there is nothing to stop him living at home for the first year and changing his mind later. (sounds like he might be moving in with girlfriend before long).

Viviennemary · 14/09/2017 15:14

I think he will miss a lot of the university experience by living at home and I wouldn't recommend it. But if that's what he wants to do I don't think he can be ordered out!

RonSwansonsMoustache · 14/09/2017 15:15

Ordinarily I would say moving out is important, but I think in your DSS's situation, he's being very sensible!

London housing costs for students are extortionate - why pay them when you can stay at home, live 20 minutes from university and save thousands of pounds a year?!

guilty100 · 14/09/2017 15:18

I agree with your DH. My sister stayed at home when at uni, and she didn't move out until she was 36. She missed out on gaining a lot of skills - independence, resilience, the ability to rough it a little - as a result. I find it intensely depressing that young people are choosing a series of creature comforts over independence. Having space to change into a different person used to be one of the most liberating, mind-altering aspects of university and it's sad to see so many young people declining the chance to grow, just for the sake of driving a car.

amusedbush · 14/09/2017 15:21

My friend stayed at home for uni, then decided to immediately retrain so stayed home for that... now she's almost 30 and has never moved out. I don't think she has any plans to either.

I say go while he can!

Kochicoo · 14/09/2017 15:22

I don't really think any of you are BU and can see everyone's point.

I lived out for university but stayed at home for postgraduate studies in London and never felt my social life suffered. Someone else may say differently but of all the places to remain staying at home whilst studying, I think London might be one of the easiest/best to do so in. Everyone is living all over London so at the end of the night, you might all be getting on public transport to go off in different directions anyway. I think in other cities where there can be very defined areas where students all live, DSS might feel like he is missing out but not in London. Another thing for your OH to consider is that rooms in shared accommodation become available all the time so at any point during his studies, DSS could change his mind. Did your OH maybe have a particularly wild time at university and thinks DSS is settling down to soon?!

Kochicoo · 14/09/2017 15:22

Myheartbelongsto · 14/09/2017 15:25

DSS seems like a very sensible chap indeed.

Your DH on the otherhand.......

MrsJayy · 14/09/2017 15:27

Both of mine stayed home although i i think student dd2 is thinking of moving out soon but dd1 worked her job was here her ((now ex )boyfriend was here heruni was 40 minutes away which she drove to she managed to socialise with uni friends just fine , your stepson and you are being sensible his dad is being a a bit airy fairy about it imo they don't need the full uni experience

TriJo · 14/09/2017 15:27

I lived at home for both my degree and masters, I went to uni in Dublin and that's fairly standard for us. No point in running up a lot of needless debt.

emma8t4 · 14/09/2017 15:33

I lived at home throughout my degree for some of the same reasons (car, job and a pony rather than a dog) I made plenty of friends who would let me sleep on their floor so I never missed out on the social side. I have now managed to pay off my student loan in full 8 years after graduation, my loan was used for car insurance/travel expenses and a house deposit. I would make the same decision if given the choice.

trixymalixy · 14/09/2017 15:36

Neither is BU, just different points of view.

Personally I'll be encouraging my kids to live out as I felt that those that lived at home missed out in lots of ways.

BadPolicy · 14/09/2017 15:36

I think your DSS is very sensible. I would make it clear to him that he doesn't have to stay at home every year, by third year he might want more space by then.

Fudgefase · 14/09/2017 15:37

DH was looking forward to getting a bit more space in the house. Let the kid stay. He'll be gone most of the time anyway.

justforthisthread101 · 14/09/2017 15:37

I lived at home for both my degree and masters, I went to uni in Dublin and that's fairly standard for us. No point in running up a lot of needless debt.

Another Dub here (although I was out of the nest for my master's as I did it after I'd been working a few years). I'm a perfectly most of the time functioning member of society who had a great time at uni and left with no debt.

Your DH is being an eejit (to use an Irishism).

cjt110 · 14/09/2017 15:38

I commuted to uni and lived at home. At thw time I didnt miss out on the partying and had all the benefits of being at home. Now I do wonder if I would have enjoyed the social aspect as I don't really have many friends.

Sparklingbrook · 14/09/2017 15:38

DS1 is moving out but only 3/4 of an hour away. He could live at home if he wanted. But he says he wants the whole experience IYKWIM, and to him that means living in Halls in a room of his own away from home.

If he finds it's not all that I can see him coming back and commuting.

shirtyQwerty · 14/09/2017 15:40

A tricky one.

I moved from Devon to Oxford.

Whilst I knew a few people in my year or above from Inter-school socials, I was basically on my own.

I think the first 4 years of my university life were more about personal growth than academic and that's despite being at a very good uni.

At the same time, this may be because I was moving from a smaller school where everyone knew everyone in Exeter to the big wide world. Growing up in London may give your son a very different perspective.

I'm not sure that there's any correct answer but I would say that dismissing submersion into university life can hinder people beyond their studies.

There's a lot to be said for standing on your own two feet, leaving Mum and Dad and having the opportunity to sink or swim.

sayshellsunderwaterblblblb · 14/09/2017 15:42

This is tricky. The arguments for living in revolve around tangible things - car, money, dog, distance to uni. There are no two ways about it, he will be better off in those terms staying where he is. The arguments for living out are intangible - growing, becoming independent, testing yourself. But are these intangible elements less important just because they are intangible? You could advise never travelling because you can watch travel programs on tv, or advise not to go for a better paid job because you can do your current job well and you're happy there. IMO, you should encourage him to live out and let DH list the reasons, since he sees them most clearly, but give DSS time to make that decision, a year, say.

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