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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- DSS doesn't HAVE to move out for uni?

102 replies

righthisone · 14/09/2017 15:00

Will keep it short. We live in London, DSS is going to university in London also. He has decided to live at home, reasons being:

  • he gets to keep his car
  • he'll be better off financially
  • nearer to his girlfriend of four years (very serious relationship, I see it lasting!)
  • hobbies and activities he enjoys require money, can't afford it at uni
  • he has a great part time job with future opportunities he enjoys, but it's further afield so couldn't do it from uni with no car
  • the fact we live 20 bloody minutes away from the union and it seems almost pointless for him to nifd out...
  • finally, the most silly reason, he has a dog (which is basically his) and leaving the dog is out of the question.Grin

He's a social boy and will have no problem making friends. However, DH thinks he should move out, keeps telling him he'll regret living in, etc... Hmm DSS is very much sure of his decision and has said he won't miss out socially as he can drive home or get a taxi back or stay with friends. It just makes so much more sense for him to stay in when we live so near!

So who is BU? Does DH have a point?

OP posts:
FanDabbyFloozy · 14/09/2017 17:19

A lot of London students live at home and most others envy them!

He can always move out for a later year.

Def NBU

Tantpoke · 14/09/2017 17:23

I think your DH forgets that because there are no more grants more students live at home than ever before so it won't make a huge difference social wise plus it means DSS will actually get on with studies and pass with less to distract him.

scottishretreat · 14/09/2017 17:28

What made a difference to me was that my parents adjusted how they treated me once I stated uni. I cooked my own meals, did my own laundry and sorted out 'lifemin' stuff like getting my car serviced.

That would be very good, if he does stay home - my parents never did really adapt until i move 100 miles away!

I'd go out for the evening with friends at 20 (and at uni), tell parents not to wait up...get home (really, really quietly) at 11.30pm, to my DM asking angrily 'where have you been til this time???'.
If he stays home, work out some minimal rules on what is acceptable so that he doesn't ruin your lifestyles, and otherwise let him be a student :-).

CalmanOnSpeeddial · 14/09/2017 17:28

Lovely to hear a stepmother who has such a positive relationship with her DSS. So many very sad stories of dysfunctional blended families out there (with faults on a variety of different sides) that it's nice to be reminded that there are good stories out there.

EternalOptimistToo · 14/09/2017 17:29

We treat him like an adult
Yes you might but there is a world of difference between being at home 'treated as an adult' and being in your own.
The biggest one is that whilst at home he will have to follow your lead as what is OK or not and for around your of living life.
When you are in your own, you are left to be yourself ur own boss and decide HOW to live your life.
That's the reason why so many people find it extremedy hard to move back to live with their parents btw.

NotAgainYoda · 14/09/2017 17:31

I would never encourage my sons to go to University close to home. Moving out is a big part of the point of University.

Given that he is staying in London though, I can see it makes sense

FlyingGiraffeBox · 14/09/2017 17:43

When DH was young, I'm sure he would've been right. However, in this day in age, with university costs and cost of living (in London, no less), it is an extremely sensible and mature choice. If he feels does end up feeling constricted, he can save up and move out next year.

Winebottle · 14/09/2017 17:44

Its not going to be the usual university experience in that it won't be a new place and new people. Life will carry on as it is now except he will be doing his studying in a different place. Students form groups around people they live with and he will continue to socialise with people from home.

I can see both sides. Obviously it will be more comfortable living at home but I think there is value in getting out of his comfort zone. Learning to manage your money when its tight, pay his own bills, do his own housework and generally face challenges without Mum and Dad there to save you is important.

Its a good transition into adulthood because everyone around you is in the same boat. It is harder to do it later when you don't have others going through the same and you have got to work full time as well.

Of course, uni isn't the only way to get that experience and if it makes sense to stay at home now and move out after uni, great. But I don't think it should just be about what is easiest because it will always be easier to live at home.

suzebaxter · 14/09/2017 17:45

Our DD stayed home throughout undergraduate. Good Russell Group Uni 20 minutes bus ride. We could see no reason why she should move out, however, she struggled to make friends and moaned and groaned having to stay home. Towards the end of second year she joined the society by my encouragement and made loads of friends, started enjoying uni life. Thanks to the money we saved DD staying home, she could go on to do Masters and Phd. I feel she might have missed out a bit on social life during undergraduate but what she managed to achieve greatly outweighs that.

Auntiedahlia · 14/09/2017 17:47

I find the concept of the 'university experience' a bit strange. DD is about to start Uni,but is going with the purpose of training and qualifying into a specific profession. She sees it as three years of hard, interesting work ahead of her. She's got loads of friends already.

Ambonsai · 14/09/2017 17:48

If he's only 20 minutes away, how could he miss out on anything?

hibbledobble · 14/09/2017 17:51

Ultimately it's up to your dss, but I do agree with your dh. Missing out on the experience of halls in the first year would be a huge pity, and one which most regret.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/09/2017 18:00

I think going to university in London is a very different experience to going to a campus university elsewhere. You can live in halls, but it's by no means universal, and that's not necessarily where the social life is.

I mean, DSS will miss out on learning to live by himself, budget, etc, but there's plenty of time for that. And in the meantime, not getting into horrible debt is nothing to sneeze at.

TrailingWife · 14/09/2017 18:08

@Auntiedahlia "I find the concept of the 'university experience' a bit strange. DD is about to start Uni,but is going with the purpose of training and qualifying into a specific profession."

In addition to career training, it's a chance to meet people from different places and backgrounds and learn to get along with them, develop independence, develop leadership skills, and so on.

One of my mine stayed home and one went far away, so I don't have a dog in this fight. I do think that young people who use these years to develop as a whole person rather than just getting job credentials are more likely to have the skills to move up, but I think there are a lot of ways to develop those skills besides living on a campus.

As far as grown up rules for living at home, ours are:

  1. Adults don't need permission to come and go, but it is polite to let people know when to expect you so they don't worry.
  2. Do you own laundry.
  3. Make your own spending money.
  4. When you cook, clean up the kitchen completely. However, I make enough dinner for everyone and you are always welcome to eat with us or not.
  5. You can keep your room how you like it (other than no dirty dishes or food trash because they can draw bugs), but you can't leave messes in other parts of the house.
Sparklingbrook · 14/09/2017 18:18

I think the whole University experience sounds great TBH.

DS1 has loads of friends but they are all off to Unis all over the country. He now gets the chance to make some new friends, live with new people and spread his wings a bit.
All whilst learning.

splendidisolation · 14/09/2017 18:19

"DD is about to start Uni,but is going with the purpose of training and qualifying into a specific profession. She sees it as three years of hard, interesting work ahead of her. She's got loads of friends already."

So she's a killjoy with a closed approach to meeting new people. Is she doing a BA in Undertaking?

musicposy · 14/09/2017 18:23

Very sensible to stay at home for at least the first year if he's in a position to, I think.

DD2 is off to uni next year and has been looking at those within commuting distance. She plans to stay at home for the first year and then possibly move out once she's found her people, so to speak. She's sociable and friendly and I don't think she'll let herself miss out. Like your DSS, she has a boyfriend of 3 years standing - they've been together since 14 - who she also doesn't want to be miles away from. Who knows if that will last, but I'm happy to support her in whatever she chooses. DD1 is studying away in London and we've fully supported that too.

I think you need to let them make their own choices at this age and not push them into what you personally feel is right. So yes, I think you're right and your DH should wind his neck in.

Sparklingbrook · 14/09/2017 18:24

I believe the students are actually allowed to have a bit of fun in between doing the hard interesting work.
I hope that's the case or DS1 has been seriously misled. Sad

Auntiedahlia · 14/09/2017 18:39

No it's not undertaking my daughter is doing!! It is medical though. And she's in her mid twenties,so knows plenty about independent living.

CalmanOnSpeeddial · 14/09/2017 18:57

I stayed in halls for all my 3 years at university. No arguments over milk, no mould, no paying the leccy bill, no impromptu parties, no learning how to cook, no lifelong friends made from my halls or college or subject. Still had a fabulous time with mates I made from societies and I managed to grow into a fully functioning adult.

Nuttynoo · 14/09/2017 18:59

I actually think staying at home, commuting to uni and managing uni with a job demonstrates real work ethic. No point wasting money on a uni experience that he doesn't want or need.

TrailingWife · 14/09/2017 19:33

I think you need to let them make their own choices at this age and not push them into what you personally feel is right. So yes, I think you're right and your DH should wind his neck in.

This is well said.

I think it is wrong for parents to push their kids into doing things that the parents aren't paying for. Unless your DH is going to cough up the money for the dorms, he should drop it.

kateandme · 14/09/2017 22:59

I think lots of the proper mates are met in first year inclass and socially then u move in with them second yr which he could still do.everyone goes to eachpthers halls so encourage him to still do that.just means he comes away of an evening/morning lol.
Don't make him go.he sounds so sensible.and if this is wat he wants making him forced or unwelcome with du views will soon start to hurt.y go fr least wanted option first,try it this safer option then review yr two.
My sis coulnt wait to get from first yr accomadation.

mummypeepee · 14/09/2017 23:08

Agree with DH. If he doesn't at least do first year in halls he will miss out a lot, I've seen a lot of stay at home kids drop out as they didn't forge friendships

Whinesalot · 15/09/2017 08:08

It's more than just promoting independence. It's becoming more worldly than you could ever become in the confines of your family home.

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