AIBU- DSS doesn't HAVE to move out for uni?

[righthisone]

Will keep it short. We live in London, DSS is going to university in London also. He has decided to live at home, reasons being:

• he gets to keep his car
• he'll be better off financially
• nearer to his girlfriend of four years (very serious relationship, I see it lasting!)
• hobbies and activities he enjoys require money, can't afford it at uni
• he has a great part time job with future opportunities he enjoys, but it's further afield so couldn't do it from uni with no car
• the fact we live 20 bloody minutes away from the union and it seems almost pointless for him to nifd out...
• finally, the most silly reason, he has a dog (which is basically his) and leaving the dog is out of the question.

He's a social boy and will have no problem making friends. However, DH thinks he should move out, keeps telling him he'll regret living in, etc... DSS is very much sure of his decision and has said he won't miss out socially as he can drive home or get a taxi back or stay with friends. It just makes so much more sense for him to stay in when we live so near!

So who is BU? Does DH have a point?

Uni can be a big adjustment academically from school. I think it makes sense for your DSS to continue with his life as is, while going to uni, and then move out when he is ready -either himself or his girlfriend.

Why on Earth would you get in debt for 'an experience'? It sounds like he is already an independent and financially responsible man, and he should use the money for saving. It won't affect the class of his degree.

I think your DH is harking back to a time when you got your fees paid and a decent maintenance grant on top. The experience of living out is valuable, but the cost/benefit has changed significantly in the last 20 years or so. I think your DSS has got his head screwed on right.

Things are very different now, I went to Uni in the mid 90's. 98% of us were away from home, that was the norm. I now work in a uni - due to all the financial changes, removal of grants and increased reliance on student finance, a good 50% of students if not more, remain at home throughout university, and I think the latest "destination data" shows that 75% of students remain in the region they grew up in when attending HE. He's making a very sensible decision, your DH's point of view is based purely on HIS experience - which sounded very cushty indeed, and no doubt some time ago. That isn't today's reality, unless you are LOADED!

Financially obviously it makes sense to stay at home but I think I would have felt I massively missed out if I'd stayed at home as so many of my friends and experiences were related to student halls

Surely the decision should be your DSS' ultimately (so long as his decision is affordable). You've both given your thoughts on the matter, and he has chosen. Your DH needs to let him be.

I stayed at home for my first year of uni then lived with my then boyfriend for the latter two. I still regret it now (many) years later. While I did make friends with people from my course, they all had their own circles of friends that they lived with so I was never really included in their social stuff to any real extent. I'm not in touch with any of them now, in contrast to others who often make friends for life at uni.

I really should have moved away. After uni I ditched the boyfriend and moved cities for work and it was the best thing I ever did. I just should have done it three years sooner!

Missed out on what though user. I honestly can say, 20 years after graduation, that i don't think my uni experience was any less rich by virtue of the fact that I lived at home. Admittedly it was more of the norm where I was but I remember when I moved out when I graduated being told by those who had lived out that I had missed out, and when I asked them to quantify that, they actually couldn't.

Yes, I didn't live in a house that had mould on the walls, but frankly, I don't think that was much of a loss!!

Solsbury, that's interesting. If only I were 15 years younger, I wouldn't have missed out so much!

Although your DSS sounds eminently sensible this has to be the saddest thread I've read today. The thought of experiencing uni from the comfort of your parents house is so depressing. And no I don't think that going out a few nights a week and staying with your girlfriend a couple of nights is the same at all. Is he going to be bringing friends over for an impromptu party? Is he going to wear every item of clothing he has twice before he bothers to wash them? Are you going to be having arguments over who used the last of the milk? No I expect you'll be popping his washing on for him and bringing him a coffee while he studies. ( and all of this because he didn't get a double room with an en suite ?) sad! Privileged and sad.

Totally agree Spirited.

I mean, there's being sensible and still making some good friends despite living at home blah blah blah and then there's have the fucking time of your life! 😃😃😃

Given the set up you describe, with him planning to move out next year anyway, your H should STFU. There's a huge amount of distance between the manky bedsitter/pot noodles/shagstastic student life and the pampered manbaby who gets to go out drinking but hnever has to wash his own socks because Mummy does that, anyway - and most people are somewhere in the middle.

I stayed at home for uni as I lived nearby and all of my friends were in the area.

It was good in a way as I have less debt and my life pretty much remained unchanged from college, but your DH does have a point as well.

My experience of uni was very different from the norm because while I made some friends I didn't really do any of the social life or get the experience of living with housemates. I was far more concerned about my life outside of uni, including my boyfriend (also of 4 years at that point) who subsequently broke up with me a year after my graduation. I have often regretted that I didn't live in halls because so many of my friends have great relationships with their former roommates or people they met at socials or in sports clubs etc, while I just have a few from my course.

If I could go back and choose again, I would have lived in halls.

He doesn't have to, but he should. One of the main points of uni other than education if you go as an 18-19 year old is developing independence, it's a great stepping stone between being a child and a fully fledged adult. He will struggle to make as close friendships living with parents as a lot of the bonding comes from living together, and he'll be the odd one out going back to his parents each night and find himself on the outside of most groups. If he moves out he'll learn so many valuable things, like how to be alone, manage his time, keep his environment nice, cook, clean, do laundry, manage his own finances, develop social skills, be independent and responsible for himself. It's simply impossible to achieve all of that while you're still sleeping under the same roof as your parents in your childhood room.

If it's affordable, it's worth the money. When I went you got loans for living costs if you moved out which were treated as the same as the degree cost, so you didn't have to pay back until earning a certain amount and it's a small percentage of your pay check. I left uni with double the amount of debt than if I'd stayed with parents and it was worth every penny.

Sounds like your DH would quite like his son to move out and gain some independence and grow into adulthood rather than staying at home, which is fair enough after 18 years of child rearing. He's probably ready for his own space again.

The development he gains from moving out now will stand him in good stead for the rest of his adult life. Time to flie the nest, he's no longer a child. None of the people I knew who stayed with parents for uni were as mature at the end of their degree as friends who did spread their wings.

I must admit I find it a little bizarre that an eighteen year old would prefer to stay with his parents, I'd have thought he'd be chomping at the bit to develop his independence, get his own place and embrace adulthood. I couldn't wait to get out at that age and be a grown up! Is he quite an anxious/cautious person? Is there a possibility he's been babied a bit and is too unsure of himself to feel he'd be able to cope? I'd feel a bit like it was failure to launch if it was my kid and at 18 with the world at their feet they wanted to stay at home. I see a lot of teenagers coddled like this these days acting a lot younger than their age, dragging parents along to uni open days and speaking on the phone to their mum every single night. They're eighteen!

I lived at home til my final year and drove 45 mins each way (accommodation v short in the area, so not.much choice). I think he'd have a better experience in halls, as others have said, theiving together without parents is a key part of uni.
I did still enjoy it, but would have had more fun and made more friends living there.
Lived in halls for final year, which was good, but first year is better IMO, when you're first meeting everyone.

Sorry spirited London only saw your post after I made mine but you captured what I was already thinking. It's very sad to read.

I meant living together, not 'theiving together'!

I am on your DH's side here but there's no unreasonable in this, they're just different views. Personally, working with a lot of students, I think they're all a bit dull these days due to having to pay fees, taking everything a bit too seriously and the huge pressure to get work experience straight out of kindergarten, and could do with a bit more halls-stupidity and carousing.

HOWEVER. Lots of other people will be doing what your DSS is doing. Most London halls are now eyewateringly expensive and have ridiculous lists of rules, because they're private, that students must stick to. And the vast quantity of debt he'd risk incurring will just hamper him for so long. I think I'd actually be inclined to stay at home myself these days, even though in terms of personal growth it's a no no, of all that.

But do him a favour: teach him how bills work and what his credit score is and have him manage a few household tasks, like he would if he were moving out. Perhaps, if you've been helping with the car, let him take over all the car related admin, for instance.

I lived at home when I went to uni (late 90s). Not in London though.

Positives: I had plenty of money, no debt and my own car. I had a part-time job and a comfortable place to study. And a cat! My folks treated me like an adult and I behaved like one, by and large. I grew my own independence in a healthy way. I left home at 21, and I was ready. Not sure I was at 18.

Negatives: I did miss out on some of the 'experience' and as a young gay man I might have had a slightly easier time a couple of years sooner than I did. (I say this for context; clearly this isn't relevant to your lad, since he has a girlfriend.) But to be honest, even for the people I knew who stayed in halls, all that impromptu party stuff and arguments over who buys the coffee got really old after about a month anyway.

That said, I did make some uni friends on my course. I also had a good, supportive and functional social group with people I worked with, outside of uni. So much so that some of the cliqueyness of halls life seemed a bit immature to me, even at 18.

I also came out of university with a First and zero debt. Everyone else was tens of thousands in the hole. So I definitely gained there.

Also I moved out of home fairly quickly afterwards. In fact I went travelling and lived abroad for almost three years. So it's not like I was tied to the apron strings.

What made a difference to me was that my parents adjusted how they treated me once I stated uni. I cooked my own meals, did my own laundry and sorted out 'lifemin' stuff like getting my car serviced. I no longer had a curfew so if I wanted to stay out all weekend (it was the 90s... ) I could do that.

All in all, I don't regret it. And if I was choosing again, I'd probably do the same.

I agree with your DH. Fledgling independence is part of the university experience - and they're only gone for 30 weeks of the year so its a good halfway house.

i stayed at home during uni, and or a couple years after. missed out on nothing, had just as much fun as friends who lived away from home. and was much better off financially as didn't need loans or get into debt. unless theres a very obvious need i think your DH is wrong and agree with you your DSS will be just fine staying at home.

What Spirited said.

I think your DSS sounds really mature. The debt thing is REAL, and so many young people don't understand that. Good for him.

First, what he does this year is not what he has to do EVERY year. This really isn't the "once in a lifetime" decision that it seems to be. As some have posted, he could live on campus the first year with the intention of living at home subsequent years. Other way works too, he could live at home this year and live on campus next year if it doesn't work out the way he hopes.

Your DH does have a point and students are less likely to fully integrate into campus life if they live at home. It doesn't mean he has to live on campus, it means he can go in with eyes wide open about that and work at making sure he integrates. I'm more familiar with American unis, so I can't give much advice. What can he do? Clubs? Societies? Study groups?

I think that both sides have good points and that no one is BU

Although I think it's a shame he won't get to experience the full student life, it is really refreshing to see a good stepmum fighting the corner for her DSS.

Accommodation in London is astronomical for students (and everyone else, of course). No point in wasting money for the sake of it.

If he feels the wings of his student experience are clipped by living at home, he can move out.

However, I would make sure that he does live like an adult in the household. My Mum wouldn't let my brother go to Uni in our home town, she said he had to live independently and she would never (if she could help it) allow a son of hers to go straight into living with a woman in the domestically clueless and helpless state my father did.