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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU- DSS doesn't HAVE to move out for uni?

102 replies

righthisone · 14/09/2017 15:00

Will keep it short. We live in London, DSS is going to university in London also. He has decided to live at home, reasons being:

he gets to keep his car
he'll be better off financially
nearer to his girlfriend of four years (very serious relationship, I see it lasting!)
hobbies and activities he enjoys require money, can't afford it at uni
he has a great part time job with future opportunities he enjoys, but it's further afield so couldn't do it from uni with no car
the fact we live 20 bloody minutes away from the union and it seems almost pointless for him to nifd out...
finally, the most silly reason, he has a dog (which is basically his) and leaving the dog is out of the question.

He's a social boy and will have no problem making friends. However, DH thinks he should move out, keeps telling him he'll regret living in, etc... DSS is very much sure of his decision and has said he won't miss out socially as he can drive home or get a taxi back or stay with friends. It just makes so much more sense for him to stay in when we live so near!

So who is BU? Does DH have a point?

OP posts:

27Feb · 14/09/2017 15:42

I went to uni in Dublin (not from there) and loads of my friends lived at home still. The only thing I'd say is that it's worth having an honest conversation in advance about how you'll react to him coming home late/not at all/boundaries etc. One friend of mine wound up being thrown out by her mother and having to move into our (horrific) student flat and sleep on a mattress under the table because her mum was so fed up with her coming home steaming drunk or vanishing for days at a time.

Said friend, I hasten to add, is now a very respectable GP and gets on great with her parents. I think they just hadn't thought through how they would live together through this particular phase of her life.

PaintingByNumbers · 14/09/2017 15:43

I wouldn't be happy about the four year relationship part of things, young, missing out on the wild sex and one night stands. Is that your dhs view as well? Still, not sure its worth all the debt just for that.

Sparklingbrook · 14/09/2017 15:48

DS1 has had a P/T job since he was 16 which he has now left as he's going to Uni.
I am not sure he will get a job straight away as he wants to see how much work there will be for the course and when his lectures are first.

He has passed his driving test but freshers aren't allowed a car at halls anyway.

EternalOptimistToo · 14/09/2017 15:51

Financially yes yu and youR dss are right. Why spending money when you dint need to ?

However I think your DH is right. It's time that your dss learns to live on his own and look after himself. He does need to learn how to budget money, do with less, mange his time and his washing etc...
There is no way he will move out of the 'child role' whilst still living with his parents! There is a lot of growing up to do when yu are in your own and IMO that's what Uni is about.

If I was to choose between the benefit of staying at home and being at Uni, I would say being at Uni would be my first choice. He could still move back if finances were really too tight (the dog is no excuse btw)

PolkaDotty7 · 14/09/2017 15:53

missing out on the wild sex and one night stands

Not all young men are into that you know He clearly cherishes his relationship with his girlfriend.

OP, I agree with you. The "uni experience" is different for each person, who is to say what it should be? The majority of my friends stayed at home through uni if their parents lived in London! It just makes sense. It seems your DSS is very mature and sensible for his age... good for him.

AnUtterIdiot · 14/09/2017 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

righthisone · 14/09/2017 15:55

Dog was courtesy of DH's ex. Hence why he has his own dog even when they knew he was going to uni some day.

By the way this is only the first year, possibly second. DSS fully intends to move out next year or the year after.

His decision was also made by the fact he applied for a double room, with ensuite and ended up with the most basic room, single with VERY shared bathrooms. So not what he wanted.

DH had a very good time at uni. His parents were very well off, paid for him to have a studio flat at the uni, he got to keep his car, had endless cash... I dont think he realises it won't be the same for DS.

We are also very lax- DSS comes and goes as he pleases, is out half the week at girlfriends anyway and very independent.

Girlfriend is also a great influence, I adore her. They are young but seem so great for each other. They fully intend to move in together ASAP.

OP posts:

diddl · 14/09/2017 15:56

My daughter will be staying at home-it's either that or don't go to Uni tbh!

KitKat1985 · 14/09/2017 15:57

I commuted into Uni. Saved me a fortune! And to be honest living in halls / student accommodation isn't always a barrel of laughs. Several of my Uni friends who were living with other students had no end of problems with people not paying bills, or being messy or noisy at all hours etc; and couldn't wait to get out of student digs.

Mia1415 · 14/09/2017 15:58

I lived at home and went to uni (45 min drive away). I don't regret it at all. My 3 friends at uni all also lived at home and it saved a small fortune.

splendidisolation · 14/09/2017 15:58

I'm with your DH. My fondest uni memories revolve around halls and then stuff like eating pasta with ketchup, struggling with meters, I dunno its hard to explain.

Sure he'll be comfier at home but....meh.

liquidrevolution · 14/09/2017 15:58

cjt110 i lived on at uni. Whale of a time with lots of socialising. 10 years later i have a few friends but not a massive group.

I like to think of it as being selective

OP its your dss choice. He sounds a sensible one. I agree that London unis are more spread socially than traditional campus unis.

Original poster

righthisone · 14/09/2017 15:59

DSS is also very mature, not childish. Like I said, since he's started driving... he has so much independence now. I think it's his car that he loves and would hate to lose. He has a very wide, enriched life, loads of hobbies and friends. I think he sees living out as losing all this.

We also treat him like an adult... he got a bonus at work, he gave us 25% of it. He contributes a lot to housework, pulls his weight.

OP posts:

PigletJohn · 14/09/2017 16:00

I think it would probably do him good to move, possibly not, but you can't make him.

The London universities are less centred so it's not like a provincial one where there might be a big campus with thousands in a community. I went to a London one and my chums were scattered all over the place.

Whinesalot · 14/09/2017 16:03

I am going to encourage my DC to go to another city for Uni for precisely the same reasons your DH has. I think it promotes independence and living away from home gave me a confidence that I wouldn't have got living at home. It has made me the person I am.
However given that he has chosen to study 20 minutes away, London is so expensive and that he isn't likely to be a party animal with his serious GF, I think that you and DSS have a point too.

BeepBeepMOVE · 14/09/2017 16:04

I think London unis different anyway. Theres not that uni town vibe and you can't walk to the pub in your PJs knowing you'll know everyone there. Halls aren't the same and people will be living all over the place. 20 mins from SU is close enough

If he's in a serious relationship then I think he'll be doing the same at home or living out. Not sure I'd describe a 18yr olds relationship as serious though!

Sounds like a nice kid!

splendidisolation · 14/09/2017 16:05

Of course its possible and makes more financial sense etc but...those first few years of struggling and having a laugh whilst struggling...they're just incomparable. Its a unique experience when you're forced to live like an adult but still have the innocence of a child. Its magic.
And no, its not the same when you do it when you graduate at 22/3, by which time you're a fully fledged adult.

It wont impact on his social life or anything, it just feels a bit sad. Cool he'll have more money, a car, no need to really change up his part time job and social circle etc but uni should be about change and finding out more about who you are in desperate times.

My brother lived at home for uni. When he got in from a night out he'd eat leftovers from a nicely cooked home dinner. He had brand name shampoo! He was very comfy. But having to eat salted rice for a week cuz you burnt through your student loan early, spending a night shivering in a cold dark room cuz you dont have the money for the meter, propping open your hall room door with a sign that says "BYOB everyone welcome come on in" in that first fresher week, these are all experiences that shape you that he wont have.

RB68 · 14/09/2017 16:06

I think years ago moving out was the thing and it really wasn't seen as the norm to live at home. Today is very different and the high cost of living alone especially in London and more affluent areas like Ox, Cmbs Warwick Bham Mcr etc means that it makes far more sense to not live away from home.

But its his choice and he shouldn't be criticised for it - as someone said he can always move out a bit later on when things settle down

splendidisolation · 14/09/2017 16:07

"I think it's his car that he loves and would hate to lose"

Errrrrr....welcome to student world? I personally didnt know a single person with a car while studying

Nonagoninfinity · 14/09/2017 16:07

It is likely that in living at home and saving a bit of money now, he will, in 3 years time be in a better position to move out and be independent. I can think of nothing worse than tasting that freedom for a short while at uni and then having to move back home indefinitely due to huge debts.

I think YANBU. This way he can hopefully have the best of both worlds. The 'student lifestyle' of making, hanging out with friends, travelling / generally being independent and care free isn't exclusively for those who go to university!

PollyFlint · 14/09/2017 16:08

He doesn't have to move out, particularly as you live so close. More and more students are living at home these days, for obvious financial reasons. Also, he's got three years at university, so it's not like he can't still decide to move out for his second or third year if he feels like it.

And good on him for being a responsible dog owner.

Sparklingbrook · 14/09/2017 16:10

You let him give you a quarter of his bonus from a part time job?

Are all the friends going off to different Unis or are they staying local too?

AnUtterIdiot · 14/09/2017 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IskraTG · 14/09/2017 16:11

DSS sounds a sensible lad.

My DH's father 'encouraged' (read: forced) him to move out when he didn't want to, and it damaged their relationship forever - ultimately he moved very far away and became supremely independent but also felt he wasn't wanted, so didn't feel any great urge to go back. There's a difference between choosing to move out from a warm, loving home and being booted out by some gruff old relic who thinks they know best.

That said, I wasn't allowed to move out and I hated being stuck at home, a long commute away so very hard to meet anyone or make friends. I just showed up for class and went home again and had no 'experience' at all.

Given that you're 20 minutes away and he doesn't have nutjob controlling parents that doesn't sound like a major risk for him.

PollyFlint · 14/09/2017 16:11

Errrrrr....welcome to student world? I personally didnt know a single person with a car while studying

Really?! I studied in the mid-1990s and loads of people had cars. Mostly terrible old bangers, obviously, but still cars. And I wasn't at a particularly prestigious university, so most of my friends weren't even especially affluent.

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