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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not provide a jobs list

77 replies

HairsprayBabe · 14/09/2017 13:45

DP will be out of work come the end of the month unless he finds something new before then - nature of his work no fault of his won.

We have savings and are fine on my salary for a little while but he will need to find something new quickish.

He had 3 months of unemployment two years ago under similar circumstances.

Casually chatting about him being home (for at least a few weeks) I said it will be nice to have a tidy house dinner cooked etc. (obviously around job searching).
He said he was looking forward to a bit of down time but was happy to do a list of jobs/cook to my meal plan....

AIBU in thinking a grown man should be able to just do general household jobs without me having to make a daily list for him?

OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 14/09/2017 13:48

YANBU! He's not a child! Tell him to piss off.

I HATE this attitude.

He can see mess can't he? Work out where the washing machine is and when things need washing!

Tell him to get on with it.

HappyintheHills · 14/09/2017 13:51

YANBU - it seems he has little idea what needs doing.
Maybe this is a chance to educate him though. You have a good opportunity to set high expectations of productivity from him at home. Down time indeed!!

coddiwomple · 14/09/2017 13:59

YANBU
It should be pretty obvious what needs doing in a house!

The big question is: how was he before you moved in together? For example, I have friends who never cook, and would be happy to live eating out and of ready meals. If their partner happens to cook, fine, but they are not that bothered.
Same about ironing, cleaning. I know some people who have never done either, happy to employ cleaners.

What I meant is that I wouldn't be too bothered about things he really doesn't do, but to tell him to grow up for the rest!

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 14/09/2017 14:02

I thought so,

It isn't like my expectations are mega high, washing on, quick wipe in the kitchen, sweep/hoover if it needs it etc.

Don't mind still meal planning and doing some cooking as I really enjoy it but hate that he wants me to think for him in regards to house work.

I fear I made his life too easy, met in uni and I have always been the domestic type, I just get on with it without thinking. It was only last time he was out of work that I realised how little he does around the house. Namely bins out and washing the dishes, not drying or putting away mind you. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 14/09/2017 14:04

So to answer your question coddi before we met he was 17 and living with his mother!

I like the idea of leaving him to it but I don't want to live in a messy house!

OP posts:
coddiwomple · 14/09/2017 14:05

I also think that even if you are naturally messy, it's disrespectful to leave mess everywhere and expect your partner to deal with it, even if you are not that bothered about it. Part of living together means you have to make compromises, but it does go both ways.

coddiwomple · 14/09/2017 14:06

If he genuinely doesn't have a clue, you are better off making list! Even as short as:
tidy up!

Viviennemary · 14/09/2017 14:08

A list is best. Even if he writes it himself. I'm hopeless at keeping house. I wish I wasn't but I am.

TableMirror · 14/09/2017 14:11

What's wrong with a list? Just write him a list, I don't think it's an unreasonable request.

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 14/09/2017 14:12

I don't have an issue with a list, I use them myself when cleaning. I just don't think I should provide it.

I know what my expectations are but I don't think I should have to spell them out in a list.

We usually have a blitz on a Saturday morning, maybe if this weekend I say this is the standard I would like the house to when he is at home he will know what I want without the list?

OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 14/09/2017 14:13

Table why should OP write him a list? Does he write HER a list?

No. Of course he doesn't.

Needing a list is his (and many men's) way of making sure everyone understands it's not HIS responsibility to do housework.

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 14/09/2017 14:13

Because Table he is a grown man with eyes that work and I should not have to tell him to run the hoover over if it needs it....

OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 14/09/2017 14:13

OP has said she works...why then is she responsible for delegating the tasks?

Both benefit from a clean house.

reallyanotherone · 14/09/2017 14:21

Yy to this.

Dh is also currently out of work, and apparently needs a list of jobs so he knows what needs doing.

I have tried explaining that i'm not his supervisor, i have not had training in wifework, i just use my sense, eyes and ears and figure it out. It isn't rocket science, and i don't have an innate ability to look at a pile of dirty clothes and know i need to wash them.

It pisses him off, because he thinks he's just asking for help and i'm being bitchy not giving it. I see it as a big chunk of my time still being taken up with planning household chores, telling him what to do, and in some cases issuing step by step instructions.

Mind we have had quite a few guests recently, some can manage a shower by themselves, some need a lesson in how to use it. You see the dial with the numbers and the degrees sign? That's temperature. Set it to how hot or cold you want it. You see the dial with the symbol of a shower and a tap, turn it to the tap symbol and water comes out the tap. Turn it to the shower one and water comes out of the .....shower. I have no idea what these people's brains do when they look at two dials on a shower and think fuuck, that's too complicated, i'd better ask...

Skittlesss · 14/09/2017 14:23

This used to annoy me as my husband always used to ask for a list of what needs doing in the house... Then I realised that more gets done if you give them a list rather than using their own initiative. Grin

FlyingGiraffeBox · 14/09/2017 14:25

Arrrgh I have this with Dh. He has some sort of mess blindness. He will happily do things when asked but as I'm neither his line manager or mother I'd really rather not have to (something that I get fed up and say to him periodically every couple of months!) So no aadvice really, tell him to use his own brain but I can't guarantee it'll work. Maybe a rota that you both work out together (thus emphasising that this is for BOTH of you sort out, not just you asking him for a favour to help you out)?

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 14/09/2017 14:29

I have read all the stuff on wife work and the mental load but I don't know how to fix it in my own home.

BTW this is in no way an LTB situation, DP is kind and clever and funny and has lots of other really good qualities. He came from a very gendered role home and I don't think his father did any house work other than bins and washing up, but his mother never worked when he was a child.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 14/09/2017 14:31

Your approach is fine if he rises to the challenge but will cause no end of arguements if he doesnt and you want him to read your mind. I wouldn't draw up a list of chores for the reasons you give, but I would negotiate one, on the basis that there is no one "right" way or frequency when it comes to housework.

PuppyMonkey · 14/09/2017 14:34

Write him the following list:

  1. Wake up.
  2. See what jobs need doing.
  3. Do them.
Summerswallow · 14/09/2017 14:48

What about providing a daily jobs list and a weekly jobs list and laminating it, thereby taking the wifework down to about one hour and increasing your chances of having everything done the way you and the family prefer. I did this with my cleaner, list of things to do every time, and then optional jobs (e.g. oven, windows).

In an ideal world, he would know this stuff, but he doesn't and you haven't cracked yet, so why not calmly make the list once taking a short amount of time rather than spending hours and hours puffing and huffing over hits (undoubtedly strategic) incompetence, much as you would train a new but bright member of staff.

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 14/09/2017 14:50

I agree Barbarian and I don't want to cause arguments with him, nor do I expect him to be a mind reader.

I just want him to spend some time each day on household tasks that we normally fit in around work. I don't mind what he does, as long as it is something.... only two of us so washing twice a week, hoovering three times a week, just when stuff needs doing I do it.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 14/09/2017 14:56

I used to leave lists of jobs for my ex (that's not why he is an ex btw). He used to really like ticking them off - this was years ago before MN days and I hadn't really considered the concept of wifework.

However they did backfire sometimes - like when I asked him to change the kids' sheets - and he did - just not their pillowcases or quilt covers. Hmm

BarbarianMum · 14/09/2017 15:21

Just check you are on the same wavelength is all. When dh and I recently drew up a DIY "To do" list for our house my top two entries were "paint our bedroom" and "make a start on a new kitchen". His were "organise storage in loft" and "improve insulation on garage ceiling". Wish I'm kidding but I'm not.

MatildaTheCat · 14/09/2017 15:32

If you took over where his mother left off you have, in a way, contributed to his learned helplessness. It's annoying to have to provide a list but I would present some guidance to him as a way of helping him to reach the point you wish him to be at.

A daily and weekly list is good and a working knowledge of how equipment works and what products to use.

Be clear you have no interest in micromanaging this but are helping him to reach the status of a functioning adult. It should be worth the effort in the end.

HeebieJeebies456 · 14/09/2017 16:32

It's your own fault for mothering him instead of expecting him to act like a responsible adult.

I would take this opportunity to write a list of ALL the things that need doing in the house - including admin and mental load.

Then decide between yourselves which jobs you are happy to do - provided it's a fair split.
You can also discuss what extra chores the out-of-work partner can do.

Make sure he understands that him doing his share of chores is an ongoing thing for the rest of his life whilst he is still physically capable.