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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not provide a jobs list

77 replies

HairsprayBabe · 14/09/2017 13:45

DP will be out of work come the end of the month unless he finds something new before then - nature of his work no fault of his won.

We have savings and are fine on my salary for a little while but he will need to find something new quickish.

He had 3 months of unemployment two years ago under similar circumstances.

Casually chatting about him being home (for at least a few weeks) I said it will be nice to have a tidy house dinner cooked etc. (obviously around job searching).
He said he was looking forward to a bit of down time but was happy to do a list of jobs/cook to my meal plan....

AIBU in thinking a grown man should be able to just do general household jobs without me having to make a daily list for him?

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 14/09/2017 16:33

No point having 'high standards' if they don't translate into being treated like an equal and with respect

BarbarianMum · 14/09/2017 16:52
ShotsFired · 14/09/2017 17:53

Tell him to write/google a list and you can go over it together to make sure neither of you have forgotten anything.

Make sure said list includes "find more work".

If he needs a list, let him have one. Just make him cover the mental load/wifework of coming up with it.

HeebieJeebies456 · 14/09/2017 23:10

barbarian

i only said that because OP herself admitted she took over where his mother left

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 15/09/2017 07:48

I didn't see it at the time I was only 19 myself and just liked the efficiency of getting stuff done. It wasn't that I was mothering him I just liked living in a clean space and he happened to be there.

I was always (with my siblings) expected to pitch in at home where as he was more waited on by his mother.

I like the idea of just one list of daily stuff and one list of weekly stuff etc.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 15/09/2017 07:59

Even if you did take over it's still not your "fault" OP. On account of him being a fully functional adult who can work out that things don't cook, clean or wash themselves. He was maybe being a little bit unthinking, a little bit lazy and a little bit chauvanistic? None of which is surprising, given his upbringing, but it doesn't have to be that way for the rest of your lives, it's easily corrected.

RhiWrites · 15/09/2017 08:02

OP, you say you've read about wife work and emotional labour. Has he? Give him some links and say this is why he needs to come up with a list himself.

shakingmyhead1 · 15/09/2017 08:05

good lord if eh cant see the mess ( which many wives will note their husbands dont seem to) just write a bloody list wont take but a few mins

clean bathroom and toilet, ( mop and clean loo)
tidy kitchen, ( dishes in washer and wipe counters and mop)
put rubbish out if rubbish day ( add in day here)
do laundry ( wash, dry and put away)
straighten living areas and vacuum
make bed etc
if bored do the lawns and gardens, windows or something else

there done! add to it more jobs

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/09/2017 08:28

It's easy to fall into doing it yourself or asking them to do a specific job when you like a clean house & just naturally get on with things. Especially when you're 19 & haven't had MN putting you straight 😁 He's now basically at the point you would be if you went to live with someone very house proud - fully able to do stuff, but not sure when or how they would like it done. He shouldn't be as it's his house too, but you've spoilt him!

It's hard to make someone else 'think' or even see things need doing, but it's a confidence thing too. He's had 30 years of things just happening around him, knowing what needs doing next/first/today isn't going to come naturally to anyone who has never had to think about it. Sure he could muddle through & would work it out if you left him, but if you want it clean & tidy from the day he's off work I think lists are essential. However, he needs to be 100% involved in making them. Treat him like the 'yoof' he was when you met him & make him think about what needs doing daily, every few days, weekly etc while you're cooking or something. So giving input but not focussing on it. I know it sounds pathetic, but he's basically a clueless 17 year old all over again.

If he doesn't normally do the clothes washing, make sure he knows your routine & what temperature etc. It's all very well saying he should already know, but if he doesn't, and ruins some of your clothes, what he should or shouldn't know is irrelevant.

Look at this time as an investment in your future. Get him to the point where he feels equally responsible & confident around the house & it'll pay off.

PickAChew · 15/09/2017 08:37

If he desperately wants a list, I would write that list and make sure it runs to about 4 sides of A4 with every piddly little thing that you do without thinking because you would rather appreciate a bit of downtime yourself.

AlternativeTentacle · 15/09/2017 08:40

Sit down together, with a white board and both of you write down all the things that need doing.

He will write down bins out and washing the dishes.
You will write down all the others.

Doing this might actually shock him into pulling his weight.

Leave the whiteboard up, tick off the things in one colour as you do them, let him tick off all the things in another colour as he does them.

Then sit down and tell him straight he needs to contribute more than he is, to the joint running of the house.

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 15/09/2017 08:42

Thank's Annie that is really really helpful. I brought it up again last night and I said we can make a list of everyday tasks together so the onus isn't all on me.

I should probably relinquish some more of our life admin, family birthdays, ordering shopping etc. but I enjoy organising things so don't really see that or cooking as a chore which muddies the waters a bit.

He also found out he has an interview on the 28th so fingers crossed this situation will be over pretty quickly!

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 15/09/2017 08:43

You need to sit down with him, whether or not he gets another job love.

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 15/09/2017 09:05

Yes thank you for that Tentacle....

I just said we agreed to make a list together, regardless that he has an interview, I was just pleased that he might get something new soon...

OP posts:
Userwhocouldntthinkofagoodname · 15/09/2017 09:31

this is the standard I would like the house to when he is at home

Why does it have to be done to your standard and not his. Surely it should be done to the standard of the person doing it?

NoSquirrels · 15/09/2017 09:39

Great - getting him to make a list & you contributing is good.

I enjoy organising things so don't really see that or cooking as a chore which muddies the waters a bit.

If you're planning on having DC together, do get it sorted now, though. I enjoy cooking, etc., but the reality of rustling up a lovely dinner for 2 fairly adventurous eaters (who have sorted their own breakfast and lunch at work) is totally different to the daily grind of meals and admin that comes with a family. It gets frustrating really quickly.

user1497787065 · 15/09/2017 09:48

I don't understand the problem. My husband has always worked between 50 and 70 hours a week and I have taken care of house, garden, children, household admin and pets alongside 20-30 hours work. My husband would need instruction in using the washing machine and would need to be told what product to use for cleaning of loos, showers etc. Writing a list would take next to no time and almost guarantee that all you expect to be done is done. I just don't understand the attitude on here, surely living together is a partnership.

slbhill42 · 15/09/2017 09:49

YANBU. But it's probably less hassle to write the list than to get frustrated that he can't see what obviously needs doing.

Or tell him to join the Flylady list and follow that Grin

By the sound of it it's inevitable that he won't do what you think is obvious and it will be cause for arguments. You can head it off at the pass... or take the opportunity to try and push him into "seeing" things which he doesn't currently see (but I wouldn't be terribly optimistic about your chances personally).

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 15/09/2017 10:00

We currently earn the same and work the same hours. Although not sure what that has to do with anything...

If I say just clean it to your standard then he won't do what needs doing.

That is a good point squirrels it is fun and easy now because we eat lots of different things and I am only organising two people but I can imagine how kids would make it less fun and more drudgery.

He never cooked at all until this year. He told me he could recall a single time his father had ever cooked for him, not even toast. I thought bugger that for a game of soldiers, now he cooks twice a week, he just tells me what he is planning on making and I stick the ingredients we need in the online shop.

OP posts:
SpiritedLondon · 15/09/2017 10:01

I worked with a lady who used to leave her husband a list of things to do on his days off ( he was a shift worker) and would be checking up on him via their CCTV cameras via her phone. She would be making comments such as " he's supposed to be cutting the grass by now". Poor chap, I felt sorry for him.

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 15/09/2017 10:04

This is different, it is not his "day off" he will be unemployed, and I don't really care what gets done when just that some effort towards the house has been made on a daily basis.

OP posts:
SpiritedLondon · 15/09/2017 10:09

I know it's different..... I'm not comparing you it just reminded me. It is a slightly eternal problem and one to which I have no answer but I feel your pain.

Parker231 · 15/09/2017 10:10

As an adult surely he realizes what needs doing around the home ?

Original poster
HairsprayBabe · 15/09/2017 10:12

That does seem excessive London! Sorry not meaning to be touchy, just don't like feeling I am a nagging harpy for wanting the rug to be shaken out once a week!

OP posts:
Parker231 · 15/09/2017 10:12

Who has previously done the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, home admin, gardening etc?