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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not provide a jobs list

77 replies

HairsprayBabe · 14/09/2017 13:45

DP will be out of work come the end of the month unless he finds something new before then - nature of his work no fault of his won.

We have savings and are fine on my salary for a little while but he will need to find something new quickish.

He had 3 months of unemployment two years ago under similar circumstances.

Casually chatting about him being home (for at least a few weeks) I said it will be nice to have a tidy house dinner cooked etc. (obviously around job searching).
He said he was looking forward to a bit of down time but was happy to do a list of jobs/cook to my meal plan....

AIBU in thinking a grown man should be able to just do general household jobs without me having to make a daily list for him?

OP posts:

Comps83 · 15/09/2017 10:18

Yeah I've had to do a list for DP who gets a third of the year off. Nothing ever gets done. House is still filthy and I end up having to do housework when I get in from work
He refuses to clean the bathroom as he doesn't know how as I haven't shown him how to do it

Original poster

HairsprayBabe · 15/09/2017 10:19

Me, because I have just done it efficiently, RTFT and I explain that we met in uni and I thought nothing of doing it because I like a clean space and he just happened to also be in that space.

He isn't doing it to be nasty he just has no other point of reference.

He does the following jobs - washes dishes, every night but not drying or putting a way, takes the bin out when I tell him it is full, takes the recycling out when I tell him it is full, mows the lawn when I remind him.

OP posts:

Parker231 · 15/09/2017 10:27

You have enabled him - now is your chance for change. What does he do whilst you are doing everything?

Original poster

HairsprayBabe · 15/09/2017 10:39

Yes thank you if you could please stop blaming me that would be great, he mooches on his phone, does stuff slowly etc.
He will do any jobs I say he needs to but that comes back to the list.

OP posts:

Dutch1e · 15/09/2017 11:11

He also found out he has an interview on the 28th so fingers crossed this situation will be over pretty quickly!

Does this mean you'll be back to doing the lion's share? Now could be a really good time to change your household's habits in preparation for when he's working again - it would be great for you to get more downtime. Nothing nicer that walking into the laundry and realising it's all washed, dried, ironed/folded and put away into the right place without a fanfare

Original poster

HairsprayBabe · 15/09/2017 11:19

I just meant that there will be less worry about with us both back in work.

I agree it will be a great time to instill good habits! Like I said I didn't quite realise how much I did until he asked for a list.

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 15/09/2017 17:02

Oh come on! You have to tell him that the bin/recycling is full and that the grass has grown? I just couldn't bear living with someone who can't look at a bin and think 'Oh I know, I will empty it'...

Original poster

HairsprayBabe · 16/09/2017 06:59

Well I didn't think much of it untill recently and I am attempting to get him to change in regards to house work.

And no I cannot just leave him to get on with it as I don't like a messy home.

It is a v easy habit to fall into when you have just left home and just like getting on with stuff. I am an assertive person in any case and have never had a problem with telling people what to do.

I realise I should not have just done it all before, we met at uni and lived in a shared house that I liked to be reasonably clean. Rotas got ignored so I just did it otherwise we lived in mess.

OP posts:

whiteroseredrose · 16/09/2017 07:23

It's also a question of different standards and actually not noticing!

whiteroseredrose · 16/09/2017 07:29

Sorry. Hit post not return.

My DM would be exhausted after cleaning because she was very thorough. But I could never tell the difference between when she did that and when she did 'a quick flick'.

So my standard is the quick flick.

If she wanted more, I'm not a mind reader so she'd have to spell it out.

DH does hoovering because it hits you in the face when it needs doing. I do kitchens and bathrooms as I get into the corners that he wouldn't see! I'd have to spell it out to him if I wanted it my way.

Original poster

HairsprayBabe · 16/09/2017 07:37

I am a quick flick type person too and a slattern by most MN standards, but I would think putting the dishes away is an obvious job that needs doing daily.

I am not trying to get him to deep clean the house everyday, just a few bits here and there so we can enjoy the weekend a bit more and not spend the first hour on a saturday cleaning.

OP posts:

whiteroseredrose · 16/09/2017 08:57

Sorry hairspray. I agree some things really are obvious like putting dishes away and emptying the dishwasher. Other things are obvious to one person but not others.

When I clean the shower I do the bleachy spray then scrub down tiles. DH caught me scrubbing this morning and was amazed. He'd never thought of it. He just does a spray and rinse. And it looks fine for a few weeks. But after that it catches up with you. So obvious to me and not to him!

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/09/2017 08:36

Why does it have to be done to your standard and not his. Surely it should be done to the standard of the person doing it?

He doesn't have standards....he doesn't even have the awareness of the things that the majority of people know are par the course.

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/09/2017 08:36

for

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/09/2017 08:44

OP, he does have a frame of reference - he saw his mother do it after all?

It's just that he's took it for granted that it's a woman's job - your job - so he he actually consciously chose to avoid housework.

I wonder, how do these guys not feel any shame?
Reminds me of an ex-housemate who grew up waited on by servants.
She'd never had to wash so much as a dish before, she'd leave (my utensils and crockery) for me to wash - I nipped that in the bud in the first two days.
The following conversation was mortifying - for me.
I had to explain and teach her how to use different scourers as she'd just hold the dishes under a hot tap and expect the caked/dried food and grease to just magically slide off

She was 35....i was 21

Inertia · 17/09/2017 09:01

I completely understand that it shouldn't be the responsibility of the woman in a relationship to manage the household cleaning simply because of her sex. That said, in this position I would probably prefer the short term pain of writing a list together (of all the jobs, as a PP said, including the ones you do automatically) and showing him what too do, for the long term gain of there being no excuses.

If he isn't doing any childcare, then the working week gives him plenty of time to look for work, do the household jobs and have some downtime.

MothratheMighty · 17/09/2017 09:13

I'd make a list, if someone doesn't know what to do, it's the logical response. Rather like the How to' instructions my children give me for using it and gadgets in the house. Rather than ' ffs, it's your phone/tablet/computer, just get on with it.'
If I want jobs doing, I make a list. Just makes sense to me.

gamerwidow · 17/09/2017 09:20

It is shit but if you want the jobs done properly you are going to have to write a list to start off with at least.
People have different priorities if I was at home I would do the washing, wipe the sides down and run the hoover round.
If DH was at home he would see it as time to clean all the cupboards or similar, make more mess in the progress but feel it a job well done.

GreenTulips · 17/09/2017 09:38

I have recently increased my hours with a 2ndjob and DH has stepped up to do more

Yesterday he cleaned the kitchen did 3 loads of washing took the kids out and vacuumed most of the house washed up after tea. He would now the lawn but it was raining

We need some things painting and he checked the garage for paint had there been paint he would have done it - but it's in his list not mine to buy paint

He's a grown up!

Maelstrop · 17/09/2017 10:22

I've tried ignoring jobs, but caved when the recycling overflowed and the loo stank. I ask nicely if the DH will empty bins/feed dog. He honestly doesn't see it needs doing. Saying that, he does the vast majority of the cooking and all the finances, so I suppose it evens out.

MothratheMighty · 17/09/2017 10:53

I don't ask nicely. There's a list and 4 people in my house. DD was shocked when she went to uni and was house-sharing with adults that hadn't a clue how a shared household runs but knew 50 cocktails and how to help themselves to other people's groceries.

Notevilstepmother · 17/09/2017 11:00

Just write a list with him the first week and tell him he has to figure it out himself after that.

Mermaid36 · 17/09/2017 11:05

I recently had to stay in hospital for 2 weeks with one of our baby twins.
DH muddled through on his own with the other twin, all the housework, nursery drop offs etc.
He was really surprised at how much work there is to keep everything ticking over (I'm a SAHM, he usually works 7-7 every day, with periods of working in another country too)
As we're expecting more hospital stays with the poorly twin, I've got a laminated sheet on the fridge with washer and dishwasher settings, nursery pick up/drop off times, bin days etc.
I just put it on the fridge before going to hospital and he figures it out from there.

RoganJosh · 17/09/2017 11:13

I think I'd go for a compromise, and do a high level list for the week.
So,
Meal plan and supermarket shop
Clean bathroom twice
Hoover every couple of days
Do washing when enough for a load (or whatever you think)

Trb17 · 17/09/2017 11:24

I'd give him a choice:

Use his initiative as a grown man.

Write a bloody long list. Way more than needed and including any and all tasks you hate or don't want to do.

This way it's win win for you

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