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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Night before c-section, DH spends night cleaning with MIL?

136 replies

papercoversrock · 12/09/2017 22:58

This has been bugging me on and off, so I thought this was a good place to ask AIBU...

At 39 weeks pregnant, I had a complication (transverse lie) and ended up one day at 4pm, booking a planned c-section for 8am the following morning.

It was to be our first child and my first time in hospital. I was worried, nervous, happy, excited, the lot.

If my husband had asked me what I wanted and needed to do that night, I would have said spend one last quiet night together before the shit hit the fan! Eat an easily-digested meal reasonably early. Talk together. Get excited together. Get an early night.

But he didn’t ask me.

The second the surgeon left the room, my husband (36yrs old) was on the phone to his mum, asking her to come over and help him clean.
And she did. Between the pair of them, they cleaned the house from top to bottom.

Yes, the house had got somewhat messy (He works a lot and I worked until 8 months pregnant, and by then was exhausted the whole time.)
But it was by no means squalor, and nothing DH and MIL did was necessary for our son to be safe and healthy. I could have gone into labour any time, and brought my new baby home to a safe environment.

Just as an example of how OTT it was, MIL took home bags of laundered and organised baby clothes to re-wash (all bundled together into a bin bag, annoyingly) and bags of toys to steam clean - most of which were for 6 months plus. They cleaned in the toilet and spare bedroom that DS was unlikely to be in for days, weeks, even months. At one point, I had to dive in and prevent her from taking away my (washed and folded) pyjamas and maternity pants that I wanted to wear in hospital!

If DH had said “I feel a weird need to clean with my mum until 11pm, so if you want food and company, maybe you should call someone else” I might have felt hurt, but at least I would have been prepared.

As it was, he kept nipping in every hour or so and saying “Won’t be too much longer.”

His mum’s lovely, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or make a scene, but I don’t feel completely at ease around her and didn’t want her there at that moment. I just wanted to relax and speak freely in the company of my husband.

Toward 9 pm I took DH to one side and said “You have to stop now. The house is fine. This is too much. Your mum has to go home. This isn’t what I want.” I was crying and he took my shoulders and said “We’ll be finished soon, don’t get upset.”

At 11pm, DH’s mum finally went home. I then got angry with DH for leaving me hanging on for 6 hours at such an important time, and he threw a bag of “washing” (the one containing my clean maternity pants that I’d saved) down on the floor and shouted “Who do you think I’m doing this for?” Then I quietened down (couldn’t face a fight the night before an operation, so just swallowed it and breathed deeply) and we went for takeaway pizza as nowhere else was open.

I finished eating about 20 mins before the midnight deadline. We went home and up to bed. I was stressed and couldn’t sleep. He was tired and started snoring almost immediately!

Weeks afterwards, no matter how carefully I brought it up, he still wouldn’t have it that he did anything wrong, and I made him angry when I mentioned it, so it was easier just to stop mentioning it.

But it’s stayed with me. It was such a vulnerable time for me, and such an important moment for us both, and frankly I felt like my feelings were inconsequential to him.

How would you feel in my place? I mean, he wasn’t out gambling away our house or banging his secretary or anything. But still, I don’t feel like what he did was ok.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 12/09/2017 23:01

Sounds like he was nesting!
I think he's a bit of an arse for minimising your feelings!

defineme · 12/09/2017 23:02

He was feeling panicked and that's how he dealt with it. He shouldn't have ignored you when you cried. How have things been since? If it was a one off evening of madness i would let it go. If it's a pattern not so much

Original poster
papercoversrock · 12/09/2017 23:04

Thanks Fishface. The nesting urge I get. It's just that he'd had weeks to nest and not given a stuff. Then suddenly we had one night left and the first thing he does is get his mum over.

OP posts:
Witchitywoo · 12/09/2017 23:07

It does sound like he was panicking, like pp said, and this was his way of dealing with it. Hope it all went well and you are one big happy family Flowers

OuchLegoHurts · 12/09/2017 23:08

I would imagine he was trying to make sure that everything was clean and ready for your new arrival and that his mother was doing what he wanted her to do. He might have different standards of tidiness to you, and his anxiety over the baby may have shown himself in this way. I honestly don't think it's worth being bitter about

Nicketynac · 12/09/2017 23:09

It sounds like he was panicking about baby actually arriving and once his mum was there he didn't know how to stop her. He might be embarrassed about it looking back.
(I wonder if dwelling on this takes your mind off the danger that you/ baby were in at the time and this is less painful to think about although I agree it would have annoyed me loads)

SkintAsASkintThing · 12/09/2017 23:09

It sounds like he panicked and wanted everything to be perfect for the baby coming home......I wouldnt stick him on my shitlist for.that.

Original poster
papercoversrock · 12/09/2017 23:09

Hmm. That's my problem defineme. If it was a one-off, I'd have forgotten about it. This particular incident bugs me because surely if there's a time to be nice to someone, that's the time?? And if he was having a panic he could have said so later instead of excusing and justifying himself, and blaming me for seeing it as a problem.

OP posts:
SockQueen · 12/09/2017 23:10

It's crap that he made you feel alone and unsupported. I suspect though, that this was him panicking and needing to do SOMETHING to feel like he had some kind of control. He should have been more responsive to you, but if you'd made him sit down and enforced "quality time" I don't know how much either of you would have enjoyed it at that point if he was on edge and wanting to be doing stuff. I guess getting his mum over was to avoid you having to do too much?

Presumably you now have a lovely baby? Unless there are bigger issues, I'd let this one go.

mumof06darlings · 12/09/2017 23:10

I know he didn't ask you but you didn't tell him either until 9 o'clock. You should have put your foot down after he came off the phone and explained your feelings. TBH I think it was a lovely thing he did. He spent the night preparing the house for you and your new bundle. It would have been the same thing as you getting the nesting feeling.

If it would have been me and wanting a quiet night, all that would have happened is that I would have fallen asleep lol. You can't change things now so really don't dwell on it. Would you rather if he spent it in the pub or somewhere else. When I was in hospital, there was a lady on the phone trying to get people to go and find her husband. He was in the pub as she was having contractions and she kept on having to ring looking for him telling him to come on in now. He was in the ward the next day smelling like a brewery. Be blessed for what you have 💐

frisbeefreedom · 12/09/2017 23:12

It's odd and I can totally see why you were upset. But at the same time it sounds like he panicked. I know my DH is rubbish at talking, he has to work through emotions so I can imagine him doing something like this.

Honestly, unless this is an example of wider issues, I would try to be grateful he was doing something useful (not down the pub!) and emotionally move on from it.

LurpakIstheOnlyButter · 12/09/2017 23:13

He was doing this for you and baby. It was his way to help and look after you. Don't be angry.

He sounds like a good man

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 12/09/2017 23:13

I had a section for a transverse lie with my first and it made me feel a bit powerless and helpless to be honest like I had no choice about what was happening, even though I knew it was for the best. I can't remember what we did the night before other than that we were staying with my Mum and Dad.
My point is that if you felt powerless, DH will have felt even more powerless as he loves you and DC, and what do men do when they aren't sure what to do? They find something practical to do don't they? No point talking through worries or being emotional when they can get on and clean/build/organise something!
My DH had everything in the house at right angles before I went into hospital and when we got to the hospital he had everything unpacked in our little area and organised and I had a little speech given to me about what was where and why.
I think his cleaning was just a way of him not worrying and trying to get everything sorted for you in the house / sorted out in his brain. MIL was probably not ideal but I'm 37 weeks with my second and if MIL wanted to come clean my house she could!
You can't redo that night. He probably doesn't even know why he chose to tidy like that and it was a bit thoughtless towards you as you were obviously in an anxious state, but in his weird man way he was trying to help and get things sorted. I think you'd feel a lot better if you just let it go. Its the kind of thing that in 20 years will be a funny story to tell DC.

CallMeDollFace · 12/09/2017 23:14

Yanbu. I think you have reason to feel upset. I particularly would not like things being thrown on the floor and being shouted at, or made to wait until almost midnight to eat, whether I was pregnant or not.

DixieNormas · 12/09/2017 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
papercoversrock · 12/09/2017 23:15

Those people thinking it was a lovely thing... I do see what you're saying. And I do count my blessings. But isn't it a problem that I was sitting right there - me, the person with the baby in my belly and the operation in the morning - and he didn't turn to me and talk to me about what WE should do?

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 12/09/2017 23:16

I think he and MIL were also trying to make things as easy as possible for you after the C-section.

Honestly, I think this isn't something to be angry about.

scrappydappydoo · 12/09/2017 23:17

To me it sounds like he was suddenly presented with a situation where he had no control - worry about you needing a major operation, first time dad nerves and so he reverted to something (in his eyes) he could do which is provide a safe, clean environment for his child. Unfortunately he seems to have totally disregarded your feelings in regard to this. So yanbu but I don't know how you can make him see he was being unreasonable.

CallMeDollFace · 12/09/2017 23:17

Are there other times when he is not nice to you?

Theycalledmethewildrose · 12/09/2017 23:20

My DH did something very similar but he did it when I was in the hospital and he was the only person allowed in to see me! Instead of visiting (and staying) he came in yawning because he had been up all night scrubbing the house and barely spoke to me because he had to rush home to sleep. I was so annoyed. Our house wasn't filthy but he had some notion that he had to clean it and everything in it.
I never questioned him about it afterwards but at the time was upset.

thecatfromjapan · 12/09/2017 23:22

I've re-read the OP. I think he does sound as though he was panicking. I can see it might have been better if he'd focused on what you wanted but people aren't always brilliantly rational when stressed.

You know, it might have turned out equally badly if you'd tried for the quiet might together.

Really glad that the CS went OK.

Other than this, how are things between you now?

mumof06darlings · 12/09/2017 23:24

Sorry but I think you are being the yabu one here in this. You said you had been exhausted since you finished work so he went and got his mother to help and did something he thought you had wanted. I remember going in to be induced with my ds and that car ride was special but that's all we needed to express our excitement and talk.
Maybe your dh thought he had another few days to get it done and he was suddenly been given a timeline and only had 1 day to do it. He saw a job to be done and he wanted it done before ye went to the hospital. You still had plenty of time to have a lovely night after mil left. Give the poor lad a break 😕

GrockleBocs · 12/09/2017 23:24

Did you say "This is what I want"?
It sounds like you thought he should ask but he didn't and panicked, got his mum round and started a rollercoaster of activity. He probably now knows it was a bit silly, hence his sensitivity.

Original poster
papercoversrock · 12/09/2017 23:26

Callmedollface yes there are. I just want to ask about that particular incident though. Personally, I felt like he should have talked to me, instead of ignoring me and calling his mum. But it seems not everyone agrees. That's ok. It helps get perspective, I suppose.

OP posts:
SockQueen · 12/09/2017 23:27

But isn't it a problem that I was sitting right there - me, the person with the baby in my belly and the operation in the morning - and he didn't turn to me and talk to me about what WE should do?

Yes, it is a problem. But is it a problem that you should dwell on for weeks and continue to use as a source of argument? No. You both were scared about an unexpected turn of events. You both could have communicated better. Staying mad at him/MiL over this isn't going to fix anything now.