Night before c-section, DH spends night cleaning with MIL?

[papercoversrock]

This has been bugging me on and off, so I thought this was a good place to ask AIBU...

At 39 weeks pregnant, I had a complication (transverse lie) and ended up one day at 4pm, booking a planned c-section for 8am the following morning.

It was to be our first child and my first time in hospital. I was worried, nervous, happy, excited, the lot.

If my husband had asked me what I wanted and needed to do that night, I would have said spend one last quiet night together before the shit hit the fan! Eat an easily-digested meal reasonably early. Talk together. Get excited together. Get an early night.

But he didn’t ask me.

The second the surgeon left the room, my husband (36yrs old) was on the phone to his mum, asking her to come over and help him clean.
And she did. Between the pair of them, they cleaned the house from top to bottom.

Yes, the house had got somewhat messy (He works a lot and I worked until 8 months pregnant, and by then was exhausted the whole time.)
But it was by no means squalor, and nothing DH and MIL did was necessary for our son to be safe and healthy. I could have gone into labour any time, and brought my new baby home to a safe environment.

Just as an example of how OTT it was, MIL took home bags of laundered and organised baby clothes to re-wash (all bundled together into a bin bag, annoyingly) and bags of toys to steam clean - most of which were for 6 months plus. They cleaned in the toilet and spare bedroom that DS was unlikely to be in for days, weeks, even months. At one point, I had to dive in and prevent her from taking away my (washed and folded) pyjamas and maternity pants that I wanted to wear in hospital!

If DH had said “I feel a weird need to clean with my mum until 11pm, so if you want food and company, maybe you should call someone else” I might have felt hurt, but at least I would have been prepared.

As it was, he kept nipping in every hour or so and saying “Won’t be too much longer.”

His mum’s lovely, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or make a scene, but I don’t feel completely at ease around her and didn’t want her there at that moment. I just wanted to relax and speak freely in the company of my husband.

Toward 9 pm I took DH to one side and said “You have to stop now. The house is fine. This is too much. Your mum has to go home. This isn’t what I want.” I was crying and he took my shoulders and said “We’ll be finished soon, don’t get upset.”

At 11pm, DH’s mum finally went home. I then got angry with DH for leaving me hanging on for 6 hours at such an important time, and he threw a bag of “washing” (the one containing my clean maternity pants that I’d saved) down on the floor and shouted “Who do you think I’m doing this for?” Then I quietened down (couldn’t face a fight the night before an operation, so just swallowed it and breathed deeply) and we went for takeaway pizza as nowhere else was open.

I finished eating about 20 mins before the midnight deadline. We went home and up to bed. I was stressed and couldn’t sleep. He was tired and started snoring almost immediately!

Weeks afterwards, no matter how carefully I brought it up, he still wouldn’t have it that he did anything wrong, and I made him angry when I mentioned it, so it was easier just to stop mentioning it.

But it’s stayed with me. It was such a vulnerable time for me, and such an important moment for us both, and frankly I felt like my feelings were inconsequential to him.

How would you feel in my place? I mean, he wasn’t out gambling away our house or banging his secretary or anything. But still, I don’t feel like what he did was ok.

What worries me the most is that he didn't think about you needing to eat and left it so late.

He ignored you when you asked him to stop, and got (and still gets) angry with you when you tried to talk to him about it.

Half the cleaning was completely unnecessary.

I don't think you're wrong to feel so upset, I would be too.

Maybe he wanted the house clean and tidy for his little son. It must be stressful for men as well, bringing first baby home, and he wanted everything perfect. In the grand scheme of things it’s nothing to upset yourself about. We will always manage to piss each other off and nobody's perfect.

I was in labour for a VBAC and live 80 miles from the hospital. My husband was mentally right out of it. The things he did! I laugh about it now. I will tell you though he parked in the furthest car park at the hospital complex instead of dropping me off at the entrance. I had to walk across this huge car park, down two flights of stairs, across a busy road and then on to the hospital lobby. Periodically stopping for contractions. He saw no problem with this at all.

Remember men are from a different tribe than us.

I think you're being extremely precious and unreasonable...as well as extremely ungrateful and unappreciative.
He can't do right for doing wrong! Or mil!

Where was the communication from YOU about your feelings and wants?
You could have spoken up at ANY POINT and made it clear what you wanted/needed.
Or is your husband meant to be a mind reader?

How do you manage to get to 8 months of pregnancy without ever having discussed what you want to do for the night before the birth?
Nesting is not exclusive to females - how do you get to the end of your pregnancy without ever having discussed things like this?
Or other important things like managing visitors post birth etc?

He must have been just as scared/nervous as you, and he channelled that energy into sorting out the practicalities.
I'm frankly impressed that they managed to do all that for YOU in such a short amount of time.

You're still making this all about you and your feelings - what about his?

I don't think he did anything wrong, it was you who should have spoken up and made yourself clear.
Months down the line, you should be enjoying parenthood - not still bringing this up.

It might be better to discuss sharing household tasks, childcare and ensuring you both have some child free time so you can do something for yourself.

heebie She did tell him though, and he ignored her, then shouted at her. And as it was her having surgery, her feelings should have come first.

She told him after he'd started it all.......it never should been left that late to have that conversation.
He couldn't very well leave mil to do it all...or send her packing after she dropped everything at the last minute to help them out.

i bet it was a scary time for ^both OP and her husband....might have avoided it had they BOTH been better at communication.

Heebie. Do you enjoy making posters feel shit? This isn't the first time I've seen you lay into people. Maybe I could suggest you're perhaps the one with the problem?

I think it's weird. You should have had dinner at a reasonable time not pizza at 11pm and gone to bed early ready for the next day.

If cleaning was that important they could have done it the next night.. when you were in hospital.

do you enjoy twisting people's posts and trying to derail threads?

i'm not trying to make op feel shit - if anything my post highlights this was a joint responsibility that they both were responsible for.

I suggest you stop trying to be a goady fucker and get a life!
Or you know - do the mature thing and ignore my posts if you don't agree with them?

Yup you definitely have a problem. .

keep telling yourself that

Of course it's about the ops feelings. She was the one about to be cut open for fucks sake.
She cried and he ignored her. She didnt eat till 11. He shouted at her.
Ahh but he's got a penis and did some cleaning so he's near sainthood.
Jesus Christ the low expectations women have of men depress the life out of me. He didn't disappear on a piss up so its fine. Ffs.

Perhaps you're unaware of the general tone your posts. Capitals indicate shouting at people. This is AIBU though, I suppose.

Wish I had had someone to do this for me. He was trying to help and be practical. Let's hope he carries on pulling his weight around the house

I think he sounds lovely. A man nesting for his baby shows his commitment. Sounds like he was panicking and just had to DO something. He should have stopped to eat earlier though.

I think you need to get over yourself. I had to have a CS under horrible circumstances and I spent the day before with my MIL who came over to help me.

Throughout my difficult pregnancy my DH dealt with his feelings of helplessness by upgrading our TV and DVD player so that we had a decent thing to watch whilst we nursed our sick baby!

Of course women are the ones who have to go through the birth but it also affects the Father of the baby. My DH was dreadfully upset during my pregnancy and felt helpless but kept t all to himself so as not to upset me. One day he just broke down in tears.

Cut his some slack and enjoy your new baby.

mummy

i think some people just want a bone to pick...

But Heebie she did speak up? And she's been speaking up since? He shouts at her when she speaks up. Maybe she was allowing for the fact that men nest too, at first. But after four hours of cleaning and an empty stomach, she realised his nesting was something else and had to address it at that late stage, because it was then that the problem became apparent.

I do not think he sounds lovely.

My DH did something similar. I was officially 40+6, but by my dates (and when he came he looked longer cooked) another week along. I'd had contractions on and off for several days. And suddenly DH realised we were having a baby. He worked until midnight (on his laptop) and then started cleaning, and then repeated the next day, so that at 9pm once I said he had to get to sleep as tomorrow was likely to Be A Big Day he didn't really respond (too deeply asleep) to my 'right, my waters have broken, were going to need to go now'. He didn't cope very well with the change we had to make (from standalone mlu to labour ward several miles away) due to neconium in baby's waters, and I was terrified about him driving as he was so knackered, so in hospital I felt I was looking after him for the early bit.

I did resent it a bit but I think it made him him. It's just how he (doesn't) cope, and with the stress of child rearing I've seen the behaviour various times since. Before second baby was born we had A Conversation when I said what I needed him to be was rested and looking after himself...

He sounds like an insensitive pratt to be honest.

I don't think you will get over it until he admits being a pain in the arse. But he wont. I know because i am married to one who left me in a similar state while in induced labour and afterwards post emcs i was alone on the ward for hours while he went out for a long celebration lunch. During that time my Dd was taken to icu.

He still hoovers at 6am when i have had 3 hrs sleep due to poorly DC. But apparently

I should be grateful

heebie
I now see you have ASD. I refer you to what Gorgo said to you on this thread. Perhaps you haven't seen it yet.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3032256-dp-doesn-t-want-to-pay-rent-to-me-until-he-is-put-on-the-mortgage?msgid=71878357

OP, there are some really weird replies on here. The issue is not whether you should be grateful for a deep clean, but the lack of communication and care for you at a critical time. You are certainly not being unreasonable, nor are you ungrateful or any of the other criticisms levelled at you. It is reasonable to expect your husband, an adult man, to stop and talk to you, to be respectful of your feelings when upset, to be able to manage his own stress response and in this instance put you first. Because however much a father is stressed, birth is a far bigger deal for mothers. I get it. And I'd feel the same way you do.

Birth can be difficult for fathers, they can feel quite useless and separate. Was certainly my DH's experience. And I imagine his touchiness is a certain embarrassment and unwillingness to face up to misreading the situation that night. The big question is, what he is like now? Is he supportive? Do you talk things through together?

I usually lurk on threads like these but I feel too distressed by some of the responses not to post.

OP, this was just not on. You didn't ask him to clean or ask his mother to come round. The bit about taking away laundered baby clothes made my stomach twist. Women hormonally go into a cave in late pregnancy, as well as the better known nesting (which for me was always a really horrible experience as I got very anxious about 'the state' of my home), and they raided your cave which must have been upsetting. Making you wait till late at night to eat a stodgy meal before an operation is utter thoughtlessness. But more than anything, shouting you down seems to me to be a symptom of a bigger issue and I'm glad you're going to post in relationships. I agree that this is something you need to come to terms with for your own sake but what form 'coming to terms with' takes is less obvious.

And I've had three kids in a happy relationship with good communication and never once did we discuss 'what to do the night before the birth'. Is that a thing? OP wasn't expecting a C section and she says she thought when it was clear that was happening they would talk then about how to spend the evening.

@papercoversrock - if this is still bugging you this is one situation I would try to get some couples counselling. Just talking it through with someone uninvolved to make sure you both get a chance to express how you feel could really help.
I can see that he probably didn't mean any harm, and doesn't understand why you are so upset. I can also see why you are upset, and that this is getting worse because you feel you are being shut down. Solving this communication issue is important.

You are perfectly reasonable to be very upset.

You were sidelined and none of your needs were met at a time when you wanted to prepare emotionally for major abdominal surgery.

Even your physical need to eat was ignored.

When you asked to be supported you were brushed off and shushed, and then shouted at as if you were being ungrateful - as if this night should have been all about you propping up your DH, and massaging his feelings by being grateful. He made sure his mother was there to provide emotional support for him in his whirlwind of activity. There was nobody and nothing there for you. In the aftermath your DH has made it clear that he does not want to listen to you when you try to discuss what happened and how you felt.

I think you and your DH should go to a mediator or counsellor where you can try to explain to him how it feels to be completely invisible and inaudible at a time when you had completely valid emotional needs that went unmet, and how it feels to be silenced about this matter afterwards.

I think this is a big thing, and please do not accept no for an answer from him if you decide to seek counselling.

Trauma in relationships that occurs at childbirth is really hard to get over. Being let down like this is important. It is just as hard as birth trauma to recover from. Please do not allow anyone to steamroller you into acceptance of the requirement that you be silent about this.

@Youcanstayundermyumbrella you just said all the other things I was thinking but didn't include in my post!