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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Night before c-section, DH spends night cleaning with MIL?

136 replies

papercoversrock · 12/09/2017 22:58

This has been bugging me on and off, so I thought this was a good place to ask AIBU...

At 39 weeks pregnant, I had a complication (transverse lie) and ended up one day at 4pm, booking a planned c-section for 8am the following morning.

It was to be our first child and my first time in hospital. I was worried, nervous, happy, excited, the lot.

If my husband had asked me what I wanted and needed to do that night, I would have said spend one last quiet night together before the shit hit the fan! Eat an easily-digested meal reasonably early. Talk together. Get excited together. Get an early night.

But he didn’t ask me.

The second the surgeon left the room, my husband (36yrs old) was on the phone to his mum, asking her to come over and help him clean.
And she did. Between the pair of them, they cleaned the house from top to bottom.

Yes, the house had got somewhat messy (He works a lot and I worked until 8 months pregnant, and by then was exhausted the whole time.)
But it was by no means squalor, and nothing DH and MIL did was necessary for our son to be safe and healthy. I could have gone into labour any time, and brought my new baby home to a safe environment.

Just as an example of how OTT it was, MIL took home bags of laundered and organised baby clothes to re-wash (all bundled together into a bin bag, annoyingly) and bags of toys to steam clean - most of which were for 6 months plus. They cleaned in the toilet and spare bedroom that DS was unlikely to be in for days, weeks, even months. At one point, I had to dive in and prevent her from taking away my (washed and folded) pyjamas and maternity pants that I wanted to wear in hospital!

If DH had said “I feel a weird need to clean with my mum until 11pm, so if you want food and company, maybe you should call someone else” I might have felt hurt, but at least I would have been prepared.

As it was, he kept nipping in every hour or so and saying “Won’t be too much longer.”

His mum’s lovely, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or make a scene, but I don’t feel completely at ease around her and didn’t want her there at that moment. I just wanted to relax and speak freely in the company of my husband.

Toward 9 pm I took DH to one side and said “You have to stop now. The house is fine. This is too much. Your mum has to go home. This isn’t what I want.” I was crying and he took my shoulders and said “We’ll be finished soon, don’t get upset.”

At 11pm, DH’s mum finally went home. I then got angry with DH for leaving me hanging on for 6 hours at such an important time, and he threw a bag of “washing” (the one containing my clean maternity pants that I’d saved) down on the floor and shouted “Who do you think I’m doing this for?” Then I quietened down (couldn’t face a fight the night before an operation, so just swallowed it and breathed deeply) and we went for takeaway pizza as nowhere else was open.

I finished eating about 20 mins before the midnight deadline. We went home and up to bed. I was stressed and couldn’t sleep. He was tired and started snoring almost immediately!

Weeks afterwards, no matter how carefully I brought it up, he still wouldn’t have it that he did anything wrong, and I made him angry when I mentioned it, so it was easier just to stop mentioning it.

But it’s stayed with me. It was such a vulnerable time for me, and such an important moment for us both, and frankly I felt like my feelings were inconsequential to him.

How would you feel in my place? I mean, he wasn’t out gambling away our house or banging his secretary or anything. But still, I don’t feel like what he did was ok.

OP posts:

tillytown · 12/09/2017 23:28

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, when you needed support you were let down. Pregnant or not, he had no right to shout at you, or throw your stuff around.

Original poster

papercoversrock · 12/09/2017 23:28

Thank you for all the comments. It helps to get another perspective.

OP posts:

AnUtterIdiot · 12/09/2017 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnforgivenII · 12/09/2017 23:29

I kind of get it.

I had a planned c section a couple of months ago. I was nervous in the morning and I criticised DHs driving. We had a massive argument in the hospital car park. He was so harsh. We never argue. Thats stayed with me.

CallMeDollFace · 12/09/2017 23:29

Well that settles it then. Yadnbu. Yes he should have listened to you. No he should not have shouted at you. Your well being and feelings should have taken precedence on that particular evening.

Rachie1973 · 12/09/2017 23:30

He cleaned your house

Maybe he did panic, maybe though he just thought 'Hey if I clean the house properly now, then my lovely wife won't need to worry about it after she's had the baby for a while and we can just enjoy it'.

I think you're being a BU and are way too hung up on this.

If he'd popped out for a curry with his mates I'd understand

LittleBirdBlues · 12/09/2017 23:31

While you were the one with the baby in your belly and the op in the morning, he was also due to become a father very soon. This was his way of dealing with his feelings. It doesn't always have to be all about the mother. He was cleaning and not out in the pub!

That said, I would have felt a bit lonely too I think. What I am wondering though is whether this was a one off? Surely if this was a while ago, this should have by now been turned into a funny anecdote? (my husband was totally flustered during my first birth which annoyed me then and is now just funny) Is there something else going on? Any patterns that don't sit right with you?

just5morepeas · 12/09/2017 23:31

Are there more incidents where he behaves like this?

If it's a one off, it's not nice, and it was really thoughtless, but it's kind of excusable since he was stressed.

If it's a pattern of behaviour then it's more worrying.

Liadain · 12/09/2017 23:32

Oh dear. Yes, I imagine he just felt out of control, helpless and wanted to do something to make life easier for you all - however much it managed to do the opposite at the time!

He shouldn't have shouted but I can see why he did all this mad cleaning. I don't think either of you are bu, really.

Butterymuffin · 12/09/2017 23:34

If you're saying this wasn't a one off, I think we really need more context to know how to take it.

Apileofballyhoo · 12/09/2017 23:34

Sounds exactly like the kind of thing my DH and his mother would do. In a panic. Messing up and interfering with my possibly crazy to everyone except me system. DH no longer goes near the clean laundry.
Does your DH have mental health issues? I ask because mine does. Certainly I can understand your upset, and what you would have preferred makes total sense to me. But if it was a once off panic and he is normally reasonable I'd try and chat to him about it. The fact that he won't talk about it at all and won't accept that you needed his support in a different way to how he acted... I'm not sure. It's like somebody asking you for a lift to Place A and you insist on bringing them to Place Z although that's not where they want to go, and then you insist that is where they wanted to go when they try to explain to you afterwards. It would be a huge deal to me OP. I think the first part could be down to a once-off panic if it was out of character, but the second part I find disturbing.
With DH it might take a while (a few weeks) but he would see how and why I was upset and respond appropriately. He's completely unreasonable when he's in a panic though.

QuackDuckQuack · 12/09/2017 23:35

The bit that really sticks out for me is washing things you'd already washed and sorted and attempting to take the clothes you needed away to wash. That's massively intrusive and undermining of the preparations you had made for your birthday. And the collusion between him and MIL is weird too. That time was for the two of you, why would either of them think she should be there?

Catrina1234 · 12/09/2017 23:36

Would you have preferred to take your newborn home to a messy home. I think your MIL was being very kind - you are very critical of her and then say you really like her! OK your DH could have cleaned the house a few days before your due date, or why couldn't you. I painted the outside of our house when I was 8months pregnant and would have hated the idea of bringing baby back to an unclean messy house. I think you need to stop being angry about this - there's no reason.

RaincloudOfDoom · 12/09/2017 23:39

He cleaned your house

Their house. He lives in it too.

CallMeDollFace · 12/09/2017 23:39

Also, even if he was panicking a bit, why didn't your mil then see this and calm him down a bit, with a nod in the direction of taking care of you instead of colluding with him on a SIX HOUR clean of your house and re-washing things that were already clean?

It sounds like the pair of them were trying to make some passive aggressive point.

The more I think about this the less I like it.

SprinklesandIcecream · 12/09/2017 23:41

I don't know OP, it does sound like he got stressed and dealt with it in that way. At least he did something productive and dare I say nice. It would have been nicer had he done it earlier on but sometimes for some people it just doesn't click until it's go time.

Maybe see it for what it was. Your house is impeccable, and the first few days you spend just the three of you without any worry of cleaning whatsoever. I think that's quite nice too.

Congrats on your (impending?) baby bdw OP .

Shadow666 · 12/09/2017 23:42

I'd have been upset too.

Don't you have to stay in hospital for a few days after a C section? Surely that would have been the time for them to clean, not leaving you alone and hungry. I think that was really shitty of him, selfish & and inconsiderate, not lovely at all. I don't blame you for being upset.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 12/09/2017 23:43

This is the problem.

The cleaning, I can kind of understand. But if you're upset about something you shouldn't need to be "careful" bringing it up and he shouldn't get angry with you.

Are there other problems that you just stop mentioning? Other similar issues?

MistressDeeCee · 12/09/2017 23:44

Sounds like he was panicked and anxious and needed his mum's help and company at the time! Whilst I understand you are vulnerable can't you let it go now? Its not the worst thing, is it? I've read stories on here (and seen in RL) men who don't give a shit and are out here & there when wife is pregnant. Also MILs who couldn't care less and look for any excuse to criticise DIL.

Not suggesting your man is a saint - nobody is - but cut him some slack fgs there are far, far worse things he could have done. & maybe he thought you would be pleased. Whats going to change if you keep mentioning it....do you need to 'win?' Or is he normally excessively tidy to the point of irritation?

Albeit its horrible when someone won't accept how you feel. I hope talking about it elsewhere helps

ARGCvet · 12/09/2017 23:44

I hear you, OP.

I think he was so out of order to phone his mother and arrange this without even talking to you about it. And to shout at you when you got upset and tell you he was doing it for you when he wasn't. You told him it wasn't what you wanted. He carried on.

Yes, it probably was out of panic rather than malice, but the effect on you was still awful. I can totally see why you still feel upset about this. As you say, it is a particularly vulnerable time, and to feel like they just decided this and did this without taking into account any of your feelings about it when YOU should have been the most important person there seeing as you were the one about to be cut open to give birth to the little person you had been carrying for nine months...

Of course you would have liked to have your DH with you properly on your last night before the birth. Even if he'd discussed this with you first and you could have had some input into deciding what, if anything, needed to be done, it could have been ok. But this, what he did - no, it absolutely wasn't ok.

I'm a bit shocked at the replies you've had, tbh.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/09/2017 23:46

A lot depends on how he treats you otherwise, and how things have been since the baby arrived.
Are you normally expected to shut up and be grateful for unwanted, intrusive 'help' that is only given on his (and his mother's) terms? Do you get shouted at or belittled if you ask for what you want? Are you being allowed to look after the baby in a way that suits you, or are he and his mother constantly trying to override you about things like breastfeeding/sleep times/what the baby wears?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 12/09/2017 23:47

Sounds like he needed to distract himself. It was only recently dh told me how terrifying it was when I had a section,I had no idea he'd been so frightened.

Cut him some slack.

ARGCvet · 12/09/2017 23:50

Just seen that there are other times he's not nice to you. I think what he did was even worse now.

Have you thought of posting on the Relationships board? Surprisingly, despite its name, AIBU isn't really known for a high standard of reasonableness on the part of those who post here.

angelikacpickles · 12/09/2017 23:51

How can anyone think that piling clean baby clothes into a bin bag and taking them away to be unnecessarily washed is helping? If the house needed a quick once-over, fine. But it seems like your DH and MIL decided that your preparations were inadequate and they needed to step in. Or at least, that's how I would feel. YANBU.

CallMeDollFace · 12/09/2017 23:55

Yes I think you might get a different range of responses on the relationships board. I'm really surprised how many people on this thread think he was doing something nice for you.

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