I've name changed as I feel this could be very outing.
It's a case of AIBU/WWYD.
DH and I have a large mortgage on a flat, that now with 2 little DC, has become very impractical in terms of access to and from it, and to the shared garden. We are on the top floor and there is no lift. Access to the garden is via a metal, spiral staircase, and the garden is not fenced off, and has an access road running along at the bottom of it, as well as another to one side of the garden. There are therefore moving vehicles nearby, and any members of the public or other residents can just enter the garden. We're also not allowed to leave Prams/pushchairs in the communal areas, which makes things extremely awkward, nor are we even allowed any pets (we have a share in freehold, and the management company do not allow pets).
I didn't want to take on such a large mortgage, but DH is a complete snob who will only live in gentrified areas, and will never commute any further than 30 minutes each way for work, which is in the centre of the city. We had to hurry and get a mortgage after 2 years of failing to get on the property ladder, as our deposit was allowing us to get less and less for our money, so I reluctantly agreed to a large mortgage.
DH is from a different culture to me, and he and his family always said not to worry about the mortgage when we start having children, as for them, helping financially and having children are very important. They are a lot more well off than my family, and I've always been financially independent, but 2 of them said they'd pay half of the mortgage for as many years as I wanted to be a SAHM. They assured us there were no ulterior motives or expectations. I was delighted and grateful, but also quite apprehensive as I'm not used to this set up.
Unfortunately, the person who had been helping financially every month, and who we trusted completely, became ill and unable to help. Family member 2 seamlessly stepped in, and the payments continued. We were extremely grateful, but I have never trusted this person, and my DH also doesn't trust him to some extent. I do not want to say why on here (nothing criminal or untoward though!).
Family member 2 has been paying half of our monthly payments for 2 and a half years. He has now said that he wants to own half of our flat, and this will enable him and my DH to release finance from it in order to buy a cheaper property to rent out. He then said that if not enough money could be released, then the money that could be released could be used to pay into our mortgage to reduce our monthly payments, and then he won't have to give us money every month, or can give us a lot less. To make matters worse, we believe that the money he gives us and pretends it's his money, is actually not his, but money from the person who is now too ill to manage their own finances, as this person signed over responsibilities of his finances to him. If so, then he will own half of our flat without having paid a penny of his own money into it! When we do eventually move from here, he'll take half of all of the money and my DH and I won't be able to afford anything.
He has told us that if we don't agree to sign over half of our flat, he'll stop paying half of the mortgage every month! We would lose our home. I'm a SAHM and a part time student who would have to give up studying for her Degree and very quickly try and get a job. I'd have to pay an extortionate rate for nursery for both DC, and would have hardly any money to put towards the mortgage anyway, and would lose our flat. I don't have any family nearby who can offer free childcare.
My DH thinks we should just agree to this scheme, and we keep arguing about it every day. I've suffered with stress and depression before, and all the crying, worry and arguing is really affecting me. I feel a deep anguish, as there is a very easy way out of this situation, as detailed below:
With the equity we have on our flat, we could sell it and just about afford to buy a small house with a garden - outright. I would do this tomorrow, by DH absolutely, point blank refuses as the house would be in a town that borders my parents' town. He doesn't have a problem with them, but he HATES their area and all of those that surround it. In his words, 'they're full of chavs and people who aren't decent, and there are no good shops and facilities, and those areas have nothing going for them.' I disagree with his terminology and the accuracy of what he's saying. He can get to work within 35 minutes from there, property prices are rising very fast, there is a community atmosphere, the shops are fine for day to day and there are many shops and facilities within 15 minutes drive in other towns. Most importantly for me, I could be near to my family and we could support each other, and we could afford the type of family home that we need now, without a mortgage!
DH is in lots of debt, as he always lives beyond his means and cannot borrow any more money to help us buy elsewhere. He works really hard and takes extra hours at work, but if we lived mortgage free near my parents, he wouldn't need to do the extra work and could pay his debts. I've put this to him, but he just calls the areas shitholes and refuses. I think he's really childish and extremely selfish.
DH and I are going around in circles, and the family member has told us that we have 6 months maximum to get half of our flat signed over to him and sort out the release of funds. My family are so worried and annoyed that my DH won't listen to me and do what they and I think is the logical, common sense option.
I feel trapped and like I'm going to have no choice but to sign over half of our flat. My DH and I are usually happy, but this is really affecting us, to the point where I've even considered filing for divorce so that I don't have to be forced into doing something I disagree with. I don't think I'd have the balls though, and I don't want it to come to that.
I am absolutely desperate and feel helpless. Please tell me WWYD, and if I am being unreasonable and should just sign. Is my DH selfish?