To get involved or just stay out of it?

[FannyTheFlamingo]

Sorry for the clumsy title! I'll try to keep this short and to the point.

Friend has recently had a baby. She is with the dad, but he is a waste of space. All 3 of them are living off her maternity pay. All they do is smoke weed, as they both did throughout the pregnancy.

I have no doubt that the baby is loved and properly fed, but they don't bath her and will not be immunising her. My friend would not make these kind of decisions if he wasn't influencing her.

They have been signed off by the midwife, who is aware of the weed smoking. The whole thing makes me feel so uncomfortable! But everything must be fine if they've been signed off. So do I just keep my beak out?? Friend has asked to borrow a considerable sum of money from me, but I really don't want to fund this lifestyle, especially when they're doing nothing to help themselves!

Is she hand washing babys' clothes or just putting baby back in dirty clothes?

you were. You invariably are.

Oh the midwife probably hasn't got a clue she's on weed, she may smell it on her but I highly doubt your friend told the mw herself.

Remember, drug addicts lie. A lot.

OP, I suggest you try to support your friend in some of her current choices, but neither condemn nor support her boyfriend. If you keep dismissing him, or make veiled threats in the form of 'someone will report him to SS' she will just break off contact with you. Don't lend them money anyway, unless she has a good history of always repaying you as agreed. You can direct her to other forms of charitable help that provide weekly grocery parcels etc.
You need to keep the channels of communication open if you really want to support her and her child. Just because they have no jobs doesn't mean they are not good parents. If she doesn't want to wash the birth remnants off she is probably an earth mother/hippy type who has beliefs about that that are important to her. Rather than 'neglect' because she's so stoned she's practically comatose.
If they wash the bottles in hot soapy water, they will probably be fine to be honest.
If she's on maternity pay, then did she have a job or is she going back to a job?

I haven't read whole thread, first and last pages. By the time you wade through the in house arguing - NOT by the OP- you have to look at the crux of the matter. The OP is very worried about first, the baby and second her friend. She wants to know if she should get involved or keep her opinion to herself.
Fanny I wouldn't lend her any money. It will all go on weed, I think you know that and by lending her the money you are helping her to do something you do not agree with. The baby stinks, the mum is breast feeding milk which will be filled with the chemicals and toxins from the weed, plus the baby will be inhaling the weed all day. And these are the things you know about, there may be more. By reporting your friend to SS the biggest risk you run is loosing your friend. By not reporting you may find yourself reading about this baby in the papers at some point in the future. I don't think you will regret speaking to SS about your concerns but you may live to regret NOT saying anything. Yes, you may loose her as a friend but I think that's a small price to pay for the peace of mind which will be gained. You need to be the baby's friend as it doesn't seem she has anybody who will fight on behalf of her at the moment. You know deep down what is the right thing to do. Be brave, pick up the phone and tell somebody of your concerns. This baby needs somebody on her side because currently her mum and dad are badly letting her down. I do not understand why people who refuse to change their unsuitable lifestyles have babies. Selfish selfish selfish.

I really understand your concerns about your friend and her baby, OP, clearly her relationship isn't good for her what with encouraging her to smoke weed. Not bathing her is low level neglect as well, and yes, it is really gross.

I would think the best thing is to refer them to social services. They'll work with the family and offer them the help they need, though it is a scary experience to go through.

I was drinking too much a year ago and I referred myself to social services for help; we were put on a child protection plan because of my mental health issues (PTSD following childhood trauma), but I've come through that with their help. Your friend can too; she clearly can be a very good mum and it's great that she has your support.

Midwives only care for the woman and baby for around a fortnight before signing them off and shading care over to the Health Visitors. I suspect that some of the issues you've seen weren't manifesting so severely in the first couple of weeks, although it is possible that the midwife spoke to the HV.

Please either speak to the HV yourself and ask for their advice or call SS.

So the mother frowned at you for formula feeding yet doesn't sterilise her own bottles.
But then you said she does feed formula and expresses her own milk.

OK. she must be a pretty dedicated mother if she expresses seeing as it takes double the length of time to feed a baby that way. Time to express then more time to feed that expressed milk. I'm impressed as an 8 week old would require many daily feeds and lots of expressing.
How does she find the time for all the dope on top of that?

If you are reluctant to call SS, what about asking the NSPCC for advice on how to proceed? They might have some suggestions that wouldn't alienate the baby's parents (which you don't want to do as you need to keep an eye on her health.)

@Numbsnet what's your point? Having never BF or expressed, I have no idea! I've witnessed her BF and FF but not expressing. I've also witnessed her smoking a huge amount of weed!

@yorkshireyummymummy @sadie9 I can see both your points, which is why I'm so confused as to what to do.

If I contact SS would it be anonymous?

@Mittens1969 it's good to hear positives about SS. It must've taken a lot of courage to admit you needed the support!

Is she smoking weed in the house?

FannytheFlamingo if you haven't already please report them now!
You don't have to give your name or contact details but if you leave it and anything awful(more awful than whats already happening)happens to the baby and it could have been prevented how would you feel.

Unfortunately you can find time, Numbsnet. When I was drinking, I had 2 very active little girls and I was very dedicated to them, having adopted them after being infertile. But I still had time to drink too much Pinot.

If she's a dedicated mum, though, it bodes well for her getting help, though. That's what got me to see sense, that and discovering that my liver function level was too high. (It's perfectly normal now.)

It sounds like she needs to be shot of her boyfriend though.

@Pengggwn obviously you know her and therefore don't believe she's smoking a 'huge amount' of weed?! Why are you deliberately missing all the valid points of the thread?? I don't have an issue with people smoking weed if they keep it to themselves. I don't see how flouncing out remonstrating about her habit will make any difference to her habit whatsoever!

Thank you, OP, our DD1 was having therapy through Post Adoption Support and I told the therapist knowing she would report it to SS. It was scary but with hindsight the best thing I ever did.

I would report concerns about the bf's controlling behaviour, heavy weed addiction (and smoking around the baby) and the baby being smelly/unbathed to social services.

I am a social worker and I think based on what you have said here you have a duty to pass on your concerns. If you don't want to call SS directly then call NSPCC. They are very good at passing on referrals. You don't have to give them any personal details if you don't want to. However I would say as a SW it is highly frustrating not being able to call the referrer directly to get additional information that might be missing. Please do this for the sake of the little baby.

I stated much earlier in the thread to call nspcc op. Just do that. I work in safeguarding. It's not your job to decide what's acceptable. Leave it to the professionals. Just make the call.
www.nspcc.org.uk/what-you-can-do/report-abuse/

Why do posters get hung up on one little aspect what the OP says? Like the sterilising - 20 odd posts about how Americans don't sterilise, how dishwashers do it, expressing etc etc etc.

It's the WHOLE PICTURE.
Baby who sleeps a lot because her parents are constantly smoking drugs.
Baby who has never had a wash to remove the blood and gore from birth.
Mother who is under the control of a partner and is not free to make the right choices.
No money because father is not working and they're all living off maternity pay, and buying drugs.

Of course you report. And keep reporting until something happens.