To get involved or just stay out of it?

[FannyTheFlamingo]

Sorry for the clumsy title! I'll try to keep this short and to the point.

Friend has recently had a baby. She is with the dad, but he is a waste of space. All 3 of them are living off her maternity pay. All they do is smoke weed, as they both did throughout the pregnancy.

I have no doubt that the baby is loved and properly fed, but they don't bath her and will not be immunising her. My friend would not make these kind of decisions if he wasn't influencing her.

They have been signed off by the midwife, who is aware of the weed smoking. The whole thing makes me feel so uncomfortable! But everything must be fine if they've been signed off. So do I just keep my beak out?? Friend has asked to borrow a considerable sum of money from me, but I really don't want to fund this lifestyle, especially when they're doing nothing to help themselves!

Don't lend her the money.
Invite her over to yours if you can, or out for walks /coffee. Keep your eyes open.

I'd say (about money) . . .

Sorry I've had a think about it but I was in a similar situation before and I very nearly ended up losing a friendship. I don't really want to discuss the details but I said to myself I wouldnt do that again.

I've lent her money before and she has nothing to show for it. I gave her loads of baby stuff as she couldn't afford anything. She knows that I hate weed and the fact that her partner doesn't work, so I'll decline in those grounds. I'm happy to buy bits and pieces for the baby though.

I took her word about being honest with the midwife about the weed, and she did have to have regular scans, so I think she was telling the truth. I just remember when the midwife came to visit me when I brought DD home and I was worried about having the sleepyhead on the sofa in case the midwife thought i was being reckless! Clearly I had nothing to worry about if a dirty baby and and weed smell get the thumbs up

Don't even consider lending her money.

It's called 'good enough parenting '..... It's very wrong and the reason society has so many issues. Report, she may think it's the midwife, suggest it might be so. Can you offer to look after baby so she can 'have a break' and bath the baby?

Definitely not a good situation. I think the weed smoking needs to be reported to SS. They will offer help and support, they don't just take the child into care. But the situation can't just go on as it is now, as you well know.

Re lending money, don't. I was conned into lending a considerable amount of money to an old uni friend. She presented herself as a victim of domestic violence, she'd lost her dad, she had MH problems and I never got the money back. It destroyed the friendship, although looking at it now, it was never much of a friendship in the first place.

Do not lend the money.
I think midwives do naturally end their involvement not long after baby is born, and it's the health visitor who'll have ongoing involvement. I would think this family is very much on their radar, but you must report any concerns you have about the baby.

The baby sleeps a lot and she's worried people will think it's because of passive weed smoking

It is because of the passive weed smoking.

Do not lend these druggies any money. It's just going to go on finding more drugs.

Report the situation to SS. They clearly don't care about, or love, their baby. If no one else will, then it's your moral duty to step in and advocate on this defenceless baby's behalf.

*funding more drugs

Don't walk on by OP

That's all / please keep an eye and keep a diary and prioritise the child over her loser parents

Report and obviously done give them money

Be prepared to lose the friendship and I hope this child is taken into foster care I really do

Don't lend money to them. It's going to end up going to drug dealers and crime lords.

I definitely won't be lending them any money. I know she would make better choices if she wasn't with her partner. I'm thinking maybe some sort of ultimatum might be the way to go, like ditch the boyfriend or somebody is bound to go to SS. There are a lot of other people worried about the situation.

Just because lots of people are concerned doesn't mean that any one of you will report.

Please get her on SS radar, they will probably ask that she leaves him if they deem it bad enough.

The OP has said the mother disclosed her weed habit during her pregnancy. Therefore as best practice is the sharing of information, the hospital, the HV and SS will know already. There are multiagency meetings frequently that overview cases like this. Weed is not enough to have a child taken into care or fostered. The OP has already said the child is not neglected. Immunisation is a choice not a legal requirement. SS are stretched to the limit. This is a very low risk case, sadly.

I'm thinking maybe some sort of ultimatum might be the way to go, like ditch the boyfriend or somebody is bound to go to SS. Playing devils advocate, exactly what do you think your ultimatum might sound like? At least have the brass kahunas to say ditch the BF or I go to the SS And TBH an ultimatum has to have a consequence .... ditch the BF or I tell SS something they already know and aren't concerned about?

I know she would make better choices if she wasn't with her partner

That may or may not be the case. But the bottom line is, she IS making these choices, so she has to own them 100%

She could be making a choice to care for her defenseless child. But she's not. She's making a CHOICE not to care about her child, the one she CHOSE to bring into this world. The one she is CHOOSING to treat like garbage because she's CHOOSING to take drugs instead.

The bit about her dp not allowing interventions is a huge red flag. Its about him having control over her body. Please report to SS. If they are already involved then the info you have posted here will paint a fuller picture, which should lead to more effective and appropriate interventions.

She sounds vulnerable and the baby does too. But smoking weed doesn't mean they don't love their baby!! He sounds like a bit of a shit though. Could you buy her some bits she needs as a friend. She sounds like she could do with a good friend. If you help she might open up to you more about her relationship and you might be in a better position to help.

Not bathing a 2 week old is not a big deal.

Even the weed if done safely and not around the baby then social services won't be interestes

Her partner has too many red flags to mention. Telling her she was an awful person smoking weed while she was pregnant yet he was smoking all day, every day and did nothing to help her!

@FenceSitter01 Your post is exactly the reasons I think I should keep out of it. I am this child's godmother so I'm torn between my duty to protect her and my friendship, which I would lose and then the child wouldn't be a part of my life either!

Most people who neglect their DC love them very much; love isn't enough!

SS won't be interested if everything else is fine. Sad but true.

Lend money for what? Just no.

Whilst you bail her out you enable her dysfunction to continue.

Weed is expensive when smoked on a daily basis.

Arguments ensue when the addict wants weed and the other needs essential day to day things.

That's why they need bailing out.

Her partner sounds very controlling, which is a huge concern.

If she hasn't already had one, she must be due a visit from the HV sometime soon. Ime, HVs are properly on the ball and very good at spotting issues. They often seem more clued up than SWs, tbh.

If your friend is telling the truth about the cannabis use, it will be on her record and the HV will be aware. Hopefully, the HV will either monitor more than usual or refer to children's services.

Stoners are sometimes too laid back to see what is borderline neglect, and to be on the ball about stuff like sterilising stuff etc.
I think this is potentially a safeguarding matter and I'd try and get her round to yours with the baby so you can see how she is when she's on her own with him/her. A smelly, unwashed baby is definitely neglect imo. Offer to help her give the baby its first bath.

Definitely don't lend money: it will go on weed. If she claims she hasn't got money for food/nappies etc, help her out with stuff (but not stuff that can be sold!).

It sounds like longer term there will be far more issues, DV when toddler screams and no money for weed...