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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU......mahoosive argument with sister

114 replies

mummyoutoflondon04 · 10/09/2017 14:38

I will try to be as brief as possible....basically we all shared a big house on holiday this year because it was Mum's 80th birthday in August. My sister is the youngest in our family and is pregnant with her 4th baby. Her other kids are all under 6!!! Mine are teenagers now. I adore her kids but she treats her eldest son as if he is the King of England. He calls all the shots and if he wants to do something it just has to happen. No idea why this is the case. He wanted to come and meet us on the beach one day and my sister texted me to ask where we were but unfortunately I didn't get the text for ages and we had changed our location several times so I couldn't exactly say where we were going to be. I did call her to explain where we roughly were and that we were exploring rather than just sitting around but got her answer phone so left a long message. That night when we had our joint family meal she was rather annoyed. To cut a long story short....when she went to put kids to bed I commented to Mum that I couldn't understand why she hadn't found out the sex of new baby due in October because her eldest wants a surprise (this is true!!) Mum was agreeing with me and then my sister stormed back in and went mad as she had been hiding behind kitchen door and had listened to our conversation. Huge row ensure. Concluded with my brother in law ordering us out of holiday home. We went and haven't spoken since. WWYD???

OP posts:
MadMags · 10/09/2017 15:23

So you got caught bitching?! Unlucky.

WWYD? About what?

Gorgosparta · 10/09/2017 15:24

It comes across as you judge her for how many kids she has, how she parents and her choices about her unborn baby.

Maybe she feels her son will struggle with another baby in the house so letting him decide some stuff.

I actually think sat there gossiping about her and her choices, which have nothing to do with you, was really bad.

Stressalot42 · 10/09/2017 15:26

I am the youngest of six children, five of those were born in five years. Yes five under five!!!!!

I was born with a significant gap, they as children got on great as they are so close in age.

Your sister is making a great choice in having her children close together and your judging is bang out of order.

Bring up your own kids and leave her to bring up hers the way she sees fit.

Also bitching about her is awful and she must've been very upset. I don't think the relationship can recover from that. I'm not sure is want to be in touch with you again.

Stressalot42 · 10/09/2017 15:29

My sis has found out the sexes of all other children and hates surprises so I was a bit taken aback as this is totally out of character.

It's hardly going to be a huge surprise is it! It's either boy or girl!

mummmy2017 · 10/09/2017 15:30

Mummy you will find the first 2 pages get taken up by people telling you what a cow you are, happens alot, also when you post there is no edit, so sometimes it can sound off.
Yes can see your surprised she hasn't found out the sex of the baby, but as someone said she may know and has told no one, so the Eldest can have a surprise when the child is born.
I hate having to go on Holiday with family for the same reason as has happened to you, someone always gets upset, and it kicks off.
Say sorry to her, just too keep the peace, and yes you do sound a bit judgie in the first post...

Italiangreyhound · 10/09/2017 15:31

You are right, responses are pretty nasty. Ignore them if they don't help you.

"Concluded with my brother in law ordering us out of holiday home. We went and haven't spoken since. WWYD???"

Who was paying for the holiday home and where did you all go?

It sounds like your sister expects you all to dance on her the attendance she dances on her princely son. The fact you could not meet her at the beach seems to have upset her unnecessarily.

I'd have a frank chat with her. Your exclamation marks after age 6 suggest you think 4 kids of 6 (or 7) and under is too many but you say you are supportive. At the end of the day I would say it's her choice.

Her choice to pander to her son, but I would say it is not a child's choice to make.

Was she trapped behind the door accidently! If not, don't hide behind a door if you will be surprised by what you hear.

Kicking you out on your mother's 80th. Your sister husband needs to apologuise big time.

This sounds like about a lot more than a missed walk on the beach.

Talk to your sis and clear the air. In future, if this could happen again, I'd not share a holiday home with your BIL - total, unnecessary over reaction on his part.

shortcake76 · 10/09/2017 15:32

Sounds to me like your issue is with the eldest son rather than with your sister.

For your BIL to throw you out of the holiday home suggests that the conversation wasn't just general chit chat, but turned nasty and bitchy.

If I were you, I'd leave it a few days and try and call your sister to explain.

Sayyouwill · 10/09/2017 15:33

Wasn't calling you a cow OP. Was sarcastically saying "what a cow" about your sis, as she clearly wasn't being a cow

Italiangreyhound · 10/09/2017 15:33

mummmy2017 yes you are right, first posters are often saying about being unreasonable, it's a thing I've noticed too.

StefMay · 10/09/2017 15:33

Most people talk about other people behind their back on occasion. You thought you were talking privately but you weren't. You clearly did not intend her to hear it and get upset.

So.... get a massive slice of humble pie and flowers, chocs etc and admit you cocked up. Admit you said it and that what you really meant was you thought she'd find out like she did with her others; however, now you understand she wants eldest to be involved and what a great idea this is!!!

You can do it. And, I suspect she doesn't like having fallen out with you. Yes, she should not have been eavesdropping, but if you had not said it then there would be nothing to hear!

Good luck.

MsVestibule · 10/09/2017 15:33

I can see why you wouldn't like the previous responses but they are reasonable responses to your initial post. You were bitching about your sister behind her back (fair enough, I've done the same, just haven't been caught) but you think she's the unreasonable one?

You do sound as though you are judging her, otherwise why say 'her other kids are all under six!!!'? It's entire irrelevant to this situation.

I think all you can do is apologise sincerely and hope she accepts it. But I don't think you will 😕.

Italiangreyhound · 10/09/2017 15:35

At what point do people think the OP's BIL needs to apologise to her and the mother whose 80th birthday he spoiled?

SooFlora · 10/09/2017 15:37

You share a mum, be careful what you say. Your mum is both your confidant & hers, which is a paradox.

I do sympathise, it's a harsh truth.

I never bitch about my siblings to my mother now, regardless of what they say about me. Life is better.

YABU based on OP, despite any other history. Although I do cringe when OH's get involved, complicates & escalates everything so YANBU to be irritated the weekend ended as it did.

MadMags · 10/09/2017 15:40

The responses aren't much nastier than you and your mum bitching about your pregnant sister, really are they?

Who paid for the holiday home?

Italiangreyhound · 10/09/2017 15:43

How is nasty to say you think a mum-to-be who hates surprises and usually finds out the sex of her baby is wrong to be swayed by her 6 year old and not find out. Maybe the OP should have said it to her sister's face. If she had, would the result have been the same?

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 15:44

Maybe the 6 is having problems adjusting and his mother and father made a decision in his best interest?

Maybe they do know but are telling fibs because this is likely to be their last and they want to do it differently ?

NellieBuff · 10/09/2017 15:46

You were bitchy about your sister and bitching about your sister to your mother. I am not being nasty that is what you yourself told us in your first post. You chose to bitch about your sister to your mother where you knew there was a possibility that you would be overheard.

I would eat a lot of humble pie and not be so quick to judge in future. This is probably a storm that will pass but perhaps you need to think in future about what you say and where

Gemini69 · 10/09/2017 15:46

Regardless of the reason... any Family member who threw myself and my Mother out of their home... would never be spoken to again... Flowers

KindleBueno · 10/09/2017 15:47

I think it's totally reasonable for her to be ignoring you. I wouldn't be talking to someone who I heard slagging me off. Did you apologise?

ILoveMillhousesDad · 10/09/2017 15:53

It sounds like your sister expects you all to dance on her the attendance

How on earth have you come to that conclusion?

ADishBestEatenCold · 10/09/2017 15:53

"Concluded with my brother in law ordering us out of holiday home."

Had your brother in law paid for the holiday home?

If so, it probably does make it seem worse. Your sister and her husband invite you on a holiday, that they paid for. You and your mother were talking about your sister while she wasn't there. She heard you and got upset.

While I don't think it's a good point to try and come back from, in fact it's quite a dramatic thing to do, I can sort of understand why your brother in law put you out.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2017 15:54

You sound like you negatively judge her for having four kids " her kids are all under six!!"

You sound like you negatively judge her parenting, commenting on how her son is treated like the king of England and what he wants has to happen.

You sound like you were bitching to your mother, if you were exclaiming gently curiously she wouldn't habe blown up and you wouldn't have been ordered out. You were clearly being horrid about it because she was keeping it a surprise for her children.

How did her husband have the authority to order you out? Is there something you also missed in the telling of the tale?

PurpleMinionMummy · 10/09/2017 15:56

Wwyd? Apologise for being bitchy about her decision not find out the sex? Not sure why that's even an issue though?

Wellthatsit · 10/09/2017 15:58

You sound a little bit judgy, OP, but not bitchy. Your BIL was way over the top (unless there are other problems in your relationships that you aren't telling us about).

You should probably try to talk to your sister: do you think she could handle it if you told her the truth i.e. that you have a hard time with her parenting style, as it's different from yours, and that was why you ended up talking to your mum. And admit you shouldn't have talked about her behind her back (because, let's face it, you did this in the hope that your mum would agree with you, which is a bit of a low thing to do).

Italiangreyhound · 10/09/2017 15:59

ILoveMillhousesDad because the initial problem seemed to be about the OP not being able to meet her nephew on the beach. The impression I get is that because the sister treats her eldest royally (according to the OP) she expects his needs to be met and was cross with OP when this did not happen.

If the BIL was paying it was a really rude unpleasant thing to ask them to leave. He has exacerbated the problem.

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