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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't sleep with your phone off if your children are elsewhere

559 replies

eslindanunez · 10/09/2017 07:51

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday. She started throwing up about midnight last night and carried on doing so for a few hours. We cosleep so the bed was covered in sick, so was I, so was much of the bedroom and the living room and she needed a few changes of pyjamas so that in itself was quite difficult to deal with it as she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried calling and WhatsApping her dad to ask him to come over so that he could at least hold her while I changed the bed and had a shower and just for moral support ( was quite worried as she's never been sick before) but his phone has clearly been turned off as the messages haven't even been registered as read. That's still the case now at nearly 8 AM. Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep? Because things happen and obviously this wasn't even that bad but it could've been a lot worse! I can't imagine being away from DD and not having a means to be contacted should something happen.

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 10/09/2017 10:28

He should have had his phone switched on BUT unless it was an emergency you shouldn't have been ringing him in the middle of the night. While its distressing for the puking child and horrible for the parent who has to deal with it - it is something that happens and I'm afraid you will just have to deal with it. YABU in calling the child's father to come and hold your hand. I'm sorry you had a bad night and I hope the child feeling better now. Spare bedding/spare bed/spare room? Be prepared next time because as a mum of 3 I can pretty confidently say there will be a next time.

Lovingmybear2 · 10/09/2017 10:29

So do you think parents who are living together should take it in turns to drink on the off chance they may be faced with a medical emergency Hmm

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 10/09/2017 10:30

Yy aderyn and others (sorry, can't reread thread) thank fuck some people get it.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 10:31

I'm really sorry but I just don't get WHY he HAS to have his phone on 24/7 and be available 24/7.

That seems really controlling to me.

Not being sarchy my ex was controlling and I react to stuff like that and I'm aware my reaction might be disproportionate but there are times when I want to know that I won't be interrupted (like when me and my boyfriend are in a hotel for the night I don't want to be distracted). Why is that wrong of me?

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 10/09/2017 10:33

expemsive you seem to be confusing your life with the OP's. It is not about you Bloody hell sisters, where is the solidarity?

Lovingmybear2 · 10/09/2017 10:33

Because being contactable in an emergency is what family do expensive

upsidedown2017 · 10/09/2017 10:34

Give the poster a break ffs. It is actually pretty hard to deal with a vomiting child single handedly especially if it's not something you've dealt with before. DH & I know what we're doing now so would manage but it took us by surprise the first couple of times and I did indeed need him to hold DD while I showered, changed sheets, found every towel we owned etc.

OP - prepare yourself for next time as you can't really expect somebody else to come round in the middle of the night for this type of thing.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 10:34

I'm asking because I used to try to "make" my ex do things I wanted. Like be contactable by phone.

He wouldn't.

I bust myself and tore myself to shreds etally trying to MAKE him step the fuck up and parent like I thought he shoulda and it did no good at all.

Far better to accept it and find other ways to cope.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 10:36

This was not what I would call an emergency.

Emergency to me is

Broken bone (even that might not be depending on seriousness)

Concussion requiring over night stay in hospital

Car crash with multiple injuries

Admission due to concerning symptoms of some kind - breathing/heart/headache

Not a night of vomit.

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2017 10:38

If he only has her for a couple of hours a week he is rarely (if ever) in Parent Mode. So it wouldn't occur to him that he needs to be available in an emergency (be interesting to see what happens when she starts school)

You just need to have a chat about it, but don't expect too much co-operation...

OhYouBadBadKitten · 10/09/2017 10:38

I think you may end up being grateful that he didn't come. If you catch it from her at least you have someone well enough to look after her hopefully while you manage yourself. If he had come too you could have ended up with two puking adults and no one to help with her at that point.

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2017 10:41

I'm really sorry but I just don't get WHY he HAS to have his phone on 24/7 and be available 24/7. That seems really controlling to me.

Because he's a parent? Or aren't you contactable 24/7? He doesn't have to be contacted, but it's good if he can be contacted.

TheFaerieQueene · 10/09/2017 10:43

If he only spends a couple of hours a week with his child, I seriously doubt he would have come over to help. He doesn't sound like a very engaged parent, sadly.

blackteasplease · 10/09/2017 10:43

I do think parents who are together shouldn't both drink so much as to be unable to deal with an emergency. Sounds sensible! Everyone needs a break and not to be the one in charge sometimes.

That's not really to do with the op though. It would be good if you had a channel to get through in a real emergency. But would it mean that he had the same for you and might abuse it, e.g. call for no real reason? And then you would never get a break.

Willow2017 · 10/09/2017 10:43

There was me thinking half of the posts on Mn are people venting about something. So asking what good it will do is a bit daft.

The child is his too it wouldn't kill him to step up and parent too.

Nobody is suggesting calling absent parents for every little thing but op was anxious and dealing with an ill child for the first time who was covering the world (or so it seemed) in puke. If the ex lived 5 minutes away a bit of help to watch the child while op cleaned up their bed etc wouldn't have killed him.

My ex would help out with the kids when they were ill before we split. He didn't ignore us and stay in bed.

Of course you can't be at someone's beck and call 24/7 but op has never asked ex for help before it wasn't controlling to think he could have helped. Unrealistic given his minimal contact but not controlling.

We all learn 'on the job' as parents. Nobody is an 'expert' from the get go. Everyone berating the op has had plenty experience in ill kids that doesnt mean they should look down on her for finding her first time hard going.

Lovingmybear2 · 10/09/2017 10:45

Expensive

I agree but if your phones off you wouldn't know if those emergencies had occurred.

hairymaryquitecontrary · 10/09/2017 10:46

Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep?

You do if you don't live with your children and only visit them now and again.

RedSkyAtNight · 10/09/2017 10:49

Whilst I have every sympathy with the OP, I suspect if sick child had been with the ex when he started vomitting and he'd called OP to come and help, there would have been a host of responses saying how useless he was and couldn't he look after his own child.

Unrelated to OP's situation, does everyone really always keep their phone on and next to their bed if their DC are somewhere else overnight? My phone tends to go on silent overnight due to the number of random calls, text and alerts I otherwise get and I'm not convinced I would definitely hear the house phone.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 10/09/2017 10:50

You seem to be missing the point Expem.

This wasn't an emergency but it's reasonable to expect to be able to contact a parent in the event of an emergency.

I'm sorry you've had an awful experience with the father of your own dc. He sounds like an arse. And I agree with you, being the sole parent is incredibly hard.

Aderyn17 · 10/09/2017 10:50

Expemsive, there is no suggestion here that the OP is controlling or that she would call him every 5 minutes for no good reason.
She is a relatively new mum, who encountered a situation that she had never dealt with before and she and the baby would have benefitted from some help. Yhe person who ought to be giving that help is the child's father. Dealing with puking kids in the middle of the night goes with the territory of bring a parent and it is fundamentally unfair that one parent has to deal with it alone 100% of the time while the other does nothing.

If I was divorced and my dc were with their dad, I would still br contactable. I'm not saying I would rush over there and deal with every little thing if my ex was calling because he cba to deal with small things himself. But if he had my children, I would want to know if they were sick, I would want to be there to comfort them. I'd want my phone on so that in an emergency I would know.

Maybe with controlling ex's, who would deliberately try to ruin your life, the strategies to keep them at a distance have to be different, but I don't think that's the case here.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 10/09/2017 10:52

Does everyone keep their phone on if their dc are somewhere else?

Yes I do.

Aderyn17 · 10/09/2017 10:55

I do too. Oldest is 20 and has phoned in the middle of the night before now, needing help.

MsHarry · 10/09/2017 10:56

YABU. The child is with it's mother. I keep my phone on, next to me if my DC are with anyone other than me or DH, particularly a sleepover.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 10:59

This wasn't an emergency. In a real emergency the police will go to the door (e.g. Car crash multiple injuries ex not answering landline or mobile the police got the hold of him)

MsHarry · 10/09/2017 10:59

I think you need to agree terms with him. With regards to cleaning bed, changing clothes, looking after vomiting toddler alone, even though I have a DH, I often had to deal with these things alone when he was at work. Prioritise the child, clean up in the morning.

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