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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't sleep with your phone off if your children are elsewhere

559 replies

eslindanunez · 10/09/2017 07:51

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday. She started throwing up about midnight last night and carried on doing so for a few hours. We cosleep so the bed was covered in sick, so was I, so was much of the bedroom and the living room and she needed a few changes of pyjamas so that in itself was quite difficult to deal with it as she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried calling and WhatsApping her dad to ask him to come over so that he could at least hold her while I changed the bed and had a shower and just for moral support ( was quite worried as she's never been sick before) but his phone has clearly been turned off as the messages haven't even been registered as read. That's still the case now at nearly 8 AM. Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep? Because things happen and obviously this wasn't even that bad but it could've been a lot worse! I can't imagine being away from DD and not having a means to be contacted should something happen.

OP posts:
Cakeycakecake · 10/09/2017 09:49

Aw op. Been there. Dc1 had an intolerance to a particular food item. Didn't know until it had been tried a few times. I just remember this orange projectile vomit coating me, my sofa, dc, the floor... it was everywhere. Me and dc just sat sobbing together, poor baby was so unhappy and in pain and I was covered head to toe. Didn't occur to me to call anyone though, cleaned up and got on with it. Just did it in stages. I won't forget the fear though, it was horrifying. Baby was only 7-8months old.

Have you got any close friends or family who you could rely on to be on the phone to calm you down if when this happens again?
First time of this stuff is awful.
I had to throw out those sofas, the smell never left them.

Try not to be too mad at dcs dad though. He could be anywhere. He could be out with his friends which would have made him useless to you anyway.
Are you friends with him? Maybe he could help you come up with ideas of how to manage next time?
Dc2s dad is amazing but I'd never call at night- I'd message first thing in the am but unless dc is so ill it's a hospital run, I'd not call. I do take your point though, if dc was taken to hospital you'd expect to be able to get in touch, that's not unreasonable at all

SpareASquare · 10/09/2017 09:50

I sincerely hope that the people bashing me have had to deal with a multi-room hours-long sick explosion on their own otherwise you're being unfair!

Lovely.
Firstly, noone is 'bashing' anyone, apart from a couple who agree with you maybe.
Secondly, I have. Many times. It's part of being a single parent.
If I was called by my childrens father because he couldn't handle a vomiting child, I'd be pissed. I never turn off my phone but I certainly don't expect calls to 'help'

MrsCharlieD · 10/09/2017 09:52

Sounds like a bloody awful night OP. I hope your dd is feeling better this morning?

My dh often works nights and we've had several horrid nights over the years of puke and diarrhoea resulting in bed changes and clothing changes. It's bloody awful but I can't call dh to leave work and help me, however in your situation I think I would have called her dad but I don't know the dynamics of your relationship or his with your dd. He is usually well involved and attentive or a bit useless? If the latter you were probably expecting too much but I don't think ywbu to have expected help.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 10/09/2017 09:53

To all the posters who could manage everything perfectly so why shouldn't everyone else. ...ffs this is not about you. You are not the OP, you are not feeling like the OP is, you are not walking in her shoes.
Some people have just been Mean Girl twats. Of course not everyone agees with Op but how you say things is important too.
And to the goady fuckers who repeatedly talk about how bad things were for them and how they managed can fuck off.....go and think about how exactly you are helping here...or just fuck off.
Luckily some posters are decent human beings but the proportion of "get a grip" bleaters is frighteningly high. I despair, I really do.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/09/2017 09:53

Sound like a bad night OP., the first time is always the worst. Next time get a bowl after the first vomit (definitely the second!) and lots of towels covering everything around you so you limit the amount of subsequent damage, I've rarely had ds throw up just once.

It's hard, but you have to put them down, with bowl and surrounded by towels, to change the bed (stripping the sheets off as soon as it happens is advisable to prevent it seeping into the mattress. They will cry but talk and comfort them as you are quickly doing it. Once you think they have settled sleep on towels.

Aderyn17 · 10/09/2017 09:55

This thread is making me really angry. The dad gets 6 nights a week 'off' - he should be contactable if the OP needs him. She didn't make this baby all by herself and so shouldn't have to always deal with the hard stuff all by herself either.

This thread shows why dads are allowed to just opt out of parenting - no one holds them to be 50% responsible for their child's wellbeing. As was said up thread, he is OP's ex not the child's ex father!

I would never turn my phone off if away from my dc and would want to be there if they were sick - that's the difference between bring a real parent and someone who is just playing at it!

coddiwomple · 10/09/2017 09:59

Go back to bed HoofWankingSpangleCunt

A mum who is having a tantrum because her ex is not running when her child throws up does need to get a grip I am afraid. You deal with it.
Even if the ex was running to help, it would be too late anyway, by that time the child is already in clean clothes, the bedding changed and the child comforted (and ready for the next round..)

I would despair of anyone telling the OP that she should panick and run around like a headless chicken, that's so not helping. The main thing is to keep calm and efficient, however hard that is. It's the only way we all cope. Being hysterical is only going to frighten your child, make him feel bad he's being sick, that's so unfair on the poor little mit. They don't like being sick either, poor things.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 10/09/2017 09:59

He actually gets 7 nights a week off. Of cours

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 10/09/2017 10:00

Oops, of course he should fucking help out. It's his DD,

Cakeycakecake · 10/09/2017 10:01

Oh god yes, towels! I remember the great summer of 2014 where dc1 got stomach bug after stomach bug. We shared my bed cause I have a stubborn fucker for a dc who refuses to sleep elsewhere if it can be avoided for various reasons. Woke up just after 11 hearing coughing beside me. I just knew something was going to happen. Luckily this was the days where I was a lazy mare and there was a pile of towels on my bed waiting to be put away. I pulled one over dcs part of the cover and tried to sleep. Shortly after coughing again. Sat up and tried to pull dc to bathroom. Nope. Puke all over the towel.

Since that day towels are a regular in times of sickness. 'Mummy... can I have a towel tonight? I don't feel well' or the best one, dc running round in circles refusing to be sick until a towel was present 😂

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 10/09/2017 10:02

Bloody phone. Im trying to say that we are doing women no favours when we enable/condone this sort of shitty behaviour. He needs to step the fuck up.

Lovingmybear2 · 10/09/2017 10:02

I keep my phone on and my youngest is 18. I am ajways contactable.

Poor you op hope you don't catch it now!! Remember anti bac Everyrhere and wash all the vomit clothes on super hot wash.

My dh ajways worked away and it would have been so much easier to have had another pair of hands ar tinr like this.

Sounds like you coped. Good for you and yes tell him to be contactable.

pennysnow · 10/09/2017 10:04

I used to keep my phone by the bed when they were younger and away somewhere yes.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 10/09/2017 10:06

coddi Jeez, not one poster has reommended the Op panic and run around like a headless chicken. Another of your posts demonstrating that you live in a different reality to most of us. And not sure why you think I should go back to bed??? Are you going to raise my DP from the dead so I can go and have a lie-in?

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 10:06

The op cannot make him step the fuck up.

The op cannot mak him be contactable.

It's better that she realises this than continues to get stuck in a cycle of angst over what he coulda woulda shoulda and didn't.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 10/09/2017 10:07

And OP didn't have a tantrum.....how offensive.....your posts are bonkers...

Applesandpears56 · 10/09/2017 10:12

Of course you should keep your phone on if your children are elsewhere- and indeed for any family members so you can be reached in an emergency if you don't have a landline. My inlaws switch their landline off at night and I find it crazy what if we needed them overnight but there you go.

Ignore the shitty people on this thread. The only people who would have dealt with it on their own are battle axers - most people would hVr been calling someone to help

Roomster101 · 10/09/2017 10:14

I perhaps agree that he should be contactable in an actual emergency (although this wasn't one) but I think it is odd to expect him to come over because your child has vomited. I'm not single but I still didn't get help in those circumstances most of the time e.g. if DH was away or at work.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 10/09/2017 10:15

I didnt say the OP could make him do that. But collectively as women we can stand up and berate the absent fathers who don't give a shit about their kids. And that means supporting each other in times like this, not doling out the "tough titties, I had triplets and a river of sick and I wouldn't call anyone".
Are posters on here really that dense that they can't see more than their own perspective on things......?

LoniceraJaponica · 10/09/2017 10:15

OP I'm sorry that some hard hearted posters have no empathy for your situation. It is horrible dealing with a 3 year old vomit fountain on your own. Luckily DH has been there when this has happened, and it is massively helpful to have someone hold your child and comfort them while you load the washing machine/change bedding/clean up..

I hope your DD feels better soon and you don't catch it Flowers

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 10:17

What good is berating the father on here going to do ?

Either he doesn't want to be more involved or the op doesn't want him to be. If she does or he does they'd have a different contact arrangement in place.

Clearly either he only wants a few hours or she only wants him to have a few hours. If the child is young and still BF overnight and they are both working it may be that is what suits them for now. We don't know.

Roomster101 · 10/09/2017 10:18

How would I be able to move on and develop a life of my own if my ex could yank my chain every time I was out? How could I go out with friends and get tipsy or at least over the limit so I couldn't drive if he was able to phone and demand I appear at his for some spurious reason? How could I have a new relationship if I had to have my phone on and pinging 24/7?

I agree with this. You shouldn't have to be on call 24/7 if your child is with the other parent. This applies whether or not you are single.

Aderyn17 · 10/09/2017 10:19

She can't make him but that doesn't make it right or fair that he lives his life as if he didn't have a child and she is 100% responsible for everything and other women are telling her to just suck it up.

She has every right to be angry about the division of labour here - the answer is not that she should carry on being the only proper parent and not ever complain but that society should stop enabling men to opt out. Being a part time parent shpuld become as socially unacceptable as drink driving.

PurpleMinionMummy · 10/09/2017 10:22

I don't think yabu. Obviously being an ex they don't have to come over but what parent wouldn't want to be there if it meant their child could be better comforted. You have to clean the puke, often it means leaving the upset child to do so, which isn't nice for anyone.

I've done long puking nights alone. Yes it's doable, it doesn't mean everyone wants to do it alone if they can call on help. I've also done them with dh, it's much easier and less distressing for all with help!

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 10:26

As an example. I don't normally drink but I had a friend round last evening and had 2 glasses of wine. I wouldn't have done that if it was "my" weekend in case my kids needed me but it was my weekend off so I felt I was ok to have a small amount of alcohol.

I wouldn't have driven after that amount of wine.

If my ex felt I had to be contactable 24/7 for stuff like a vomit, he would have been ringing and whatsapping last night to tell me to come over and I couldn't have gone there.

Does that make me a bad parent? The op suggests so, but I disagree.