To think you don't sleep with your phone off if your children are elsewhere

[eslindanunez]

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday. She started throwing up about midnight last night and carried on doing so for a few hours. We cosleep so the bed was covered in sick, so was I, so was much of the bedroom and the living room and she needed a few changes of pyjamas so that in itself was quite difficult to deal with it as she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried calling and WhatsApping her dad to ask him to come over so that he could at least hold her while I changed the bed and had a shower and just for moral support ( was quite worried as she's never been sick before) but his phone has clearly been turned off as the messages haven't even been registered as read. That's still the case now at nearly 8 AM. Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep? Because things happen and obviously this wasn't even that bad but it could've been a lot worse! I can't imagine being away from DD and not having a means to be contacted should something happen.

I'm staggered that some are suggesting to not even try to phone the father if you're not coping, why should the poor man get out of bed and help?

Because dealing with your child being sick in the night alone is just part and parcel of being a single parent and something you have to get used to coping with alone. Being a single parent means you have to learn to prioritise the midnight clean up to things that need to be done - scrubbing sick out of the carpets - and things that can wait until the morning - like washing the soiled bedsheets.

It's neither fun nor easy to deal with but it's one night, the child is safe, cared for and it is non-life threatening. That does not need an ex to be dragged out of bed and made to come over (and we don't know if the OPs ex lives round the corner or 30 miles away) just so they could hold the child while OP cleaned up. If this was my DD when she was a small child there is no way I would have ever called my ex in the middle of the night for anything beyond a life threatening emergency and we have a really good co-parenting relationship. I'd also be annoyed if he called me in the middle of the night for nothing more than DD being sick.

Of course NRPs should help if they can - but that's not the same thing as suggesting that they should organise their lives so that they always can. An NRP whose career takes him more than a few miles from the PWC probably never can and phoning him is just a pointless distraction.

Nineties as the resident parent, it is the OP's job to deal with that kind of thing.

I would never view being contactable by my dc as a 'pointless distraction'.

Totally agree that getting the ex out of bed and driving somewhere in the middle of the night to hold a child while the other parent clears up is ridiculous. Fair enough if it's a genuine emergency but this wasn't was it? Surely the OP could cope with some vomiting.

Aderyn17 I meant that for the PWC to make a call to an NRP who lives too far off - even assuming he is at home - to be of any help is a pointless distraction from what the PWC needs to be doing. Why bother?

Aderyn if going camping makes one a bad parent then I guess DP is a bad parent and I'd make a shit parent too as I'd happily leave my DC with my parents to go camping.

Sorry, I didn't realise ones whole life should stop post divorce

I didn't say that your whole life should stop post divorce - that's some extrapolation. I did say you should be contactable, not for your ex's convenience but for your children.
I get that people who share custody will probably each have their own nights of dealing with sick kids, but to get back to the OP, her baby's dad does nothing and I think the least he can do is help out when she asks him.

It comes down to this. If the worst happens and you cannot be contacted then someone else will be making the choices for your children and you'll be hearing about it afterwards. Now you may be okay with that. I wouldn't be.

Aderyn your exact words were

Personally I wouldn't consider camping to be a good enough reason for my child not be able to contact me, but I guess that's the difference between parenting properly and considering it a part time obligation

So essentially unless your whole life stops or you're literally at the beck and call of your ex then you're a shit parent.

Other people making decisions for your DC is not unique to divorce. Parents who travel for work can't always be contactable and so somebody else would be making decisions on their behalf. Same goes for if you're away on a personal trip, or at a theatre or any other number of situations where you can't answer your phone. In a life or death situation unless you're contactable 24/7 365 days a year then somebody else may be making those decisoins. Presumably the person you've left your DC with is trustworthy and if not well then yes that probably does make you a not great parent.

If the OP's ex does nothing then it's unreasonable to expect him to step up at 2 am. Let's be fair if he doesn't see his DC more than a few hours a week why on earth would he make himself available at that absurd time. Even if he was the most helpful guy on earth and had 50:50 custody (or even more) i still can't buy into the idea that he (or she if it's his night) must be available at that absurd time of the morning when quite frankly a grown adult should be able to cope on their own.

I wouldn't go camping somewhere where I couldn't be contacted. I trust my dh and parents 100% to take good care of my dc but if something bad should happen I'd want to know asap.
I've said throughout that there will be times when you are uncontactable and it cannot be helped. If something happens during that time, it's unfortunate and yes, the other parent/gps will deal with it. That is life and it's different from choosing to not be in contact because you think it makes you at your ex's beck and call. It really isn't about that, it's about being available to your children.

I didn't say choosing to be out of contact because it makes you at their beck and call. What is being at their beck and call is expecting someone to be available at 2 am for something as simple as sick, which whilst horrible is not life threatening or even remotely worth waking up the other parent for.

Not being available 24/7 doesn't make you a bad parent. If it does well then I guess very single person I work with who have DC / DSC are bad parents but hey ho, each to their own.

To go back to the original post. The question is whether she is being unreasonable to expect her ex-husband to be available in the early hours to clear up vomit.

It appears to me that she already had her answer. If he doesn't want to be available he won't.

His parental obligations are not enforceable. That is how it is here and now in 2017.

One has to believe it or be perpetually disappointed and disillusioned by the real world.

Pixie, I presume that even at work your colleagues can be contacted. It's not quite the same as taking a view that the kids are okay and someone else's responsibility so you don't need to bother being contactable.

We don't go camping to avoid his ex, we go camping because we love being outdoors and love the experience it gives us. It's never about choosing to shirk responsibilities or it being a part time obligation. Yes fair enough if the sole purpose is to avoid being in contact then that's pretty shitty. But never has the thought occurred to us that we are purposefully choosing those campsites because of that reason. And since DSD spends every other weekend with her mother then there are going to be times when we camp without her.

I wouldn't go camping somewhere where I couldn't be contacted

Ahh... Mummy Martyr

IF you have a DH/DP and/or inlaws or even friends you trust enough to have your child overnight, then it absolutely IS OK to not be contactable.

Not being available 24/7 doesn't make you a bad parent

Here here to this!

Clearing up sick isn't pleasant, neither is clearing up poo, but it can be done by one person. calling someone at 2am for either of these really isnt necessary. A call the next day to update, sure, but it's OK not to be on call 24/7.

The loneliest place on earth though is when as a single parent it's YOU that is ill and you STILL have to take and pick up to school etc etc. That is grim.

Cross-post Aderyn

No we're not always contactable at work. If we're travelling, in meetings, at a conference, in the lab then no we can't be contacted and there's a similar story where DP works. Should we all just give up our jobs then so we can permanently be at home / contactable by DC?

Oh get a grip and stop being such a martyr. It's not about not needing to bother.

Hissy, if you knew me you'd not call me a mummy martyr. I'm more than happy to share the load, which is kind of my point. We, as a society, should be expecting both parents to take on responsibility, which includes being contactable and not taking the view that if the dc are somewhere else, then you have no obligations, that someone else can deal with whatever comes up.

I think you should go back and read what I've already posted Pixie. Unless you are being deliberately obtuse.

Children know that we love them, they know that we put them in the middle of our decisions.

BUT, it's imperative that WE are people too, that sometimes WE come at the top of our priority list.

How can we hope to raise adults who bother with us if their entire lives are all about THEM.

It's give and take - at the beginning we have to give them everything because they can't be independent, they don't have the skills

Our job is to give them the skills to be able to navigate life, to know what to do and how to succeed when they are older.

When kids get older they WANT to be independent, they WANT time alone and to do things for themselves.

That's lovely Hissy, but how is it relevant?
I don't think being at the end of a phone, if needed, is that big an ask.

OK, if I have you wrong I apologise unreservedly, it's hard to tell from a snippet on a screen

Agree, It is one thing to be responsible, but we have to TRUST others to fulfil their equal role. if a child is with their dad, then the dad has the job to make sure things get done, the kids is safe, fed, dressed and cared for. If there is vomit on that watch he doesn't need to call mum.

we as the parent who isn't on duty should not be expected to be on call.

by swooping in, by being ever present it doesn't empower the other parent, it's undermining of them somehow.

The acceptance that dads don't do their share is wrong, however many men DO look at offspring differently to women because the biological relationship is different.

What pisses me off is the demonisation of single mothers, when single fathers get put on pedestals and lauded for doing no more than even the most basic of single mothers do.

I do agree with you that single dads get all the praise while single mums get all the criticism.
I think what has pissed me off with this thread is the idea that the OP should just suck it up and get on with it and expect nothing.

If possible it's, of course, fine to be at the end of a phone, but it's OK not to be, it should not be demanded or expected.

How is my post relevant? Because if a child grows up seeing their mother sacrifice all her interests/friends/life/job they will fail to grasp what being an adult is all about. This doesn't even take into account what kind of quality of life the mother has, and how happy/fulfilled she would be, and how that mood would influence her parenting.

The child will also be ill-informed as to how to be a parent themselves, thinking that you have to give up everything, when actually an active and involved parent can give a great deal to a child by showing them that being an adult is fun and rewarding!

when we put ourselves at the bottom of the list all the time, every member of our family takes this on as the level of our importance, i.e whatever we want/wish for or hope for isn't as important as what they want. they grow up thinking they don't need to consider us, when actually they do.

I'm not trying to be obtuse Aderyn but it comes across that you think parents shouldn't have a life if that means they are uncontactable for any extended period of time. Which in my world is a total absurd viewpoint and one which I'm glad DP / his ex / actually most of the parents I know disagree with

Totally agree with everything you've said Hissy