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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't sleep with your phone off if your children are elsewhere

559 replies

eslindanunez · 10/09/2017 07:51

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday. She started throwing up about midnight last night and carried on doing so for a few hours. We cosleep so the bed was covered in sick, so was I, so was much of the bedroom and the living room and she needed a few changes of pyjamas so that in itself was quite difficult to deal with it as she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried calling and WhatsApping her dad to ask him to come over so that he could at least hold her while I changed the bed and had a shower and just for moral support ( was quite worried as she's never been sick before) but his phone has clearly been turned off as the messages haven't even been registered as read. That's still the case now at nearly 8 AM. Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep? Because things happen and obviously this wasn't even that bad but it could've been a lot worse! I can't imagine being away from DD and not having a means to be contacted should something happen.

OP posts:
dalecooper · 11/09/2017 17:45

I had nights like this when my DD was a baby and toddler and my ex husband was off doing God knows what with God knows whom.
I remember being exhausted, scrubbing the carpets to get rid of the sick and trying to calm screaming vomiting child down while hosing the sick off us both. It is very very difficult. Anyone who says otherwise is an absolute liar.
Yes, on occasion when furious at being left to deal with it all alone I would text ex-husband to let him know how useless her was for never doing any of the grunt work. I did not expect him to say "I will be right over" but it made me feel slightly better letting him know how feckless he was and what was going on. Often absent fathers have no idea of the work that goes on and how little sleep you are getting. My DD did not sleep through the night until she was nearly 5.
So no, YANBU and those above are talking rot.

Andrewofgg · 11/09/2017 17:57

Sarah Incest in a sick bucket?

Grin
38cody · 11/09/2017 17:58

My DH works nights - I would never call him home in this situation and to do so is a bit over- needy.
However, I get your point, if she had been seriously ill - hospitalised etc then it would be nice to think that her father could be alerted.

OhGrace · 11/09/2017 18:21

OP - I agree that it's annoying as fck when you can't get hold of Ex with regards to your child. I don't even have my ExH phone number, all contact has to go via whatsapp to his new wife's phone. Ridiculous if there ever was an emergency.
Also don't think you're being unreasonable to ask for help.
I agree with others that eventually you have to adjust your expectations as you just end up frustrated and disappointed.

AyUpMiDuck · 11/09/2017 18:46

This thread is interesting reading. So many differing and strong opinions.
YANBU in theory, but your ex does not sound as if he is invested in co-parenting so, in practice, I think you are wasting your time expecting him to man up.

Ninjakittysmells (1st or 2nd page I think) has it right. It's disappointing and also scary when you are a single parent. Not all fathers want day-to-day involvement and we don't all have the luxury of a hands-on partner. Sad but true. I've been there and I'm still there. Ex is deceased. No available healthy family to lean on.
I get how you feel OP, yes, it sucks being on your own.

Someone to share the worry with is a wonderful thing. My sister has been looking after our elderly father at night and would ring me - after midnight - to tell me when he had had an "accident" (the continence kind). I would happily go over the next day with my carpet shampooer but I didn't see the need for her to wake me up to tell me about it in real time, it's not as if I'd go over there at 2 am to clean up (I'm still a single parent). Anyhow, after much discussion I realised she just needed to vent and feel supported while she was dealing with it alone and I'd get the call since he is my father too. Someone to share the load (!) with.

REBECCAB123 · 11/09/2017 18:54

I think he should have been available or at least got back to you. Hope your child is feeling better and you don't catch it x

BigRedMama · 11/09/2017 18:58

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hairymaryquitecontrary · 11/09/2017 18:59

I'm reading all these comments slightly saddened by the fact our society has come to accept 1 person to raise a child (mainly mum, but not always

It would be bloody ridiculous if we didn't accept it, since it is a reality. You are sad because people understand how things actually are and that we don't live in fairyland where everything is perfect?

HoneyBeeMum1 · 11/09/2017 19:16

OP might not be unreasonable to want help with her child, but in her circumstances, she is certainly unrealistic to expect it.

Clearly her ex-husband has no intention of being available at all times.

Furthermore, a mother should be able to care for a sick child without the assistance of the child's father.

I have five children (although the oldest is away at university). I am currently pregnant with twins and although it can be difficult at times, I do not feel it would be necessary or reasonable to expect my husband to assist me in caring for a sick child, even though we are married and living together.

I am their mother and I expect to care for my children when they are sick.

Rose87777 · 11/09/2017 19:35

OP, totally agree with you. He should have been contactable. 100%. You would be I'm sure if it was the other way round!!

QueSera · 11/09/2017 19:38

*Can't believe all the cunts on this thread.

Op - please ignore them.

Sorry you had such a crap night. Hope today easier and you get some rest.*

100%. Puke everywhere is a big thing to deal with in the middle of the night on your own, even if there are of course 'worse' things. I would certainly welcome a second pair of hands to help deal with it. But op you'll probably feel more confident in future if you find ways to cope on your own rather than contacting your ex for help. Preparedness is key - learn from this incident; have a waterproof mattress protector on the bed and one spare; extra clean bedding of course etc. Hope youre feeling better and stronger today - you did a great job. Hope little one is ok today.

Emmas37 · 11/09/2017 19:43

It's sad to read some of these comments.. op was needing some support and advice. If she needed help .. she needed help!!!! She was probably scared and both mum baby could have done with the other parent. .. so she's not being unreasonable she was only going to ask him to help his child! I'm sure next time she'll know how to manage better.

PixieChemist · 11/09/2017 19:43

Merchant are you therefore suggesting that nobody should ever have DC with a new DP? Saying you don't have to choose between your kids because they all live with you Hmm So say OP meets a decent bloke who she wants to have a (second) child with, first DC is sick over her Dad's (if he ever has her overnight that is) second DC is sick at hers - but she's the bad guy for leaving first DC with her Dad instead of dropping second DC and running over? Or have I just completely misunderstood?

TrickyKid · 11/09/2017 19:50

I've sorted out puking kids in the night plenty of times. Get them washed, changed then sort yourself and the bedding. It's not great but totally doable on your own.

Wholovesorangesoda · 11/09/2017 20:01

First time my dd was really ill after her dad and I split up I called him at about 11pm asking for his help. Maybe a bit odd looking back but it seemed logical at the time. He wasn't in the least bit interested and I soon learnt to deal with it myself. Perhaps this is a similar situation and if so it's understandable and even more so the idea that they would be available if an emergency cropped up

dalecooper · 11/09/2017 20:03

Trickykid talk about stating the bloody obvious. Don't you deserve a medal? It is doable, any mother who has had to do it knows that. Firstly, are you alone with a child or do you have a husband/partner? If you really are a single parent then you will know how lonely, tiring and frustrating it can be when this happens. No one to hand the child to while you peel of your own sicky clothes and wash etc etch. Don't be a twat, there are too many unfeeling sanctimonious idiots on this thread already. Keep it in your head next time.

pollymere · 11/09/2017 20:11

He needs a number for emergencies. My dh has had lots of jobs that required him to not be near a phone (honest!) When our dd was rushed to hospital I had to get someone in his building to go tell him. After that we sorted out a number that could be called in emergencies. If the school couldn't contact you, they might need to contact him. This night has made you realize that.

QueSera · 11/09/2017 20:28

dalecooper well said

ArcheryAnnie · 11/09/2017 20:47

I am currently pregnant with twins and although it can be difficult at times, I do not feel it would be necessary or reasonable to expect my husband to assist me in caring for a sick child, even though we are married and living together.

Why bother staying married to him then, HoneyBeeMum?

I'm a single parent. I dealt with it on my own when I had to (ie all the time). But as bad as my relationship with my ex was then (it's now a great deal better), I now can contact him in emergencies, as can DS. Which is how it should be, as he's DS's father.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 11/09/2017 21:07

...because ArcheryAnnie, my husband is the family breadwinner and a much loved father and husband.

Believe it or not, a man can be a whole lot more than someone who cleans up sick.

Aderyn17 · 11/09/2017 21:27

My husband is also a breadwinner and much loved father and husband.

I will still wake him up in the middle of the night to help me if our dc pukes because imo that's a two parent job. Being the sahm doesn't mean that I get all the horrible jobs and he just gets the nice bits. No way am I setting myself up for that.
If he is at work when it happens then I will get on with things (unless I really need him) but if he is at home then looking after our dc is something we both are responsible for.

ArcheryAnnie · 11/09/2017 21:28

Yeah, HoneyBee, but I judge a father who won't clean up sick, if he thinks that's only the mother's job.

But each to their own. I'm sure it's very nice for you all there in 1955.

Funmum30 · 11/09/2017 21:39

I have two children and have had many sleepless night with sick children. Never would I have woken their dad as he works 14hours a day, even when I've been ill.

dalecooper · 11/09/2017 21:49

Well aren't you all saints. It is like the 1950s in here.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 11/09/2017 21:51

Whether you're a woman who can cope alone with 25 vomiting children whilst pregnant with quads or a mum who finds 1 baby difficult is irrelevant.
It's not unreasonable to ask for some support from the father of those children if you're struggling.