To think you don't sleep with your phone off if your children are elsewhere

[eslindanunez]

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday. She started throwing up about midnight last night and carried on doing so for a few hours. We cosleep so the bed was covered in sick, so was I, so was much of the bedroom and the living room and she needed a few changes of pyjamas so that in itself was quite difficult to deal with it as she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried calling and WhatsApping her dad to ask him to come over so that he could at least hold her while I changed the bed and had a shower and just for moral support ( was quite worried as she's never been sick before) but his phone has clearly been turned off as the messages haven't even been registered as read. That's still the case now at nearly 8 AM. Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep? Because things happen and obviously this wasn't even that bad but it could've been a lot worse! I can't imagine being away from DD and not having a means to be contacted should something happen.

Aderyn, when the PWC decides to move away - sometimes abroad - the NRP may well not have the means to visit the DC very often or at all. That's the reality.

No matter how you cut the mustard the obligations of an NRP are not the same as those of a parent on the spot, whether sole or in a duo. Your earlier post, the one I first answered, seemed to suggest that it's his responsibility always to be contactable by phone, nearby, and available to help, and that's just not so.

This is where slings are useful.

when the PWC decides to move away - sometimes abroad - the NRP may well not have the means to visit the DC very often or at all. That's the reality
This smacks of whataboutery to me.

It's rare for the pwc to move abroad Andrew. In most cases the pwc is right here and the nrp could be involved if they wanted to be. I've said throughout this thread that there will be times when you cannot contact somebody (no mobile signal, in a meeting etc) but as a parent I do not routinely turn my phone off and make myself deliberately unavailable to my children for weekends away and just because they are with someone else who could deal with whatever issue has arisen. I consider that a nrp has exactly the same obligations.

I know that there are some men who desperately want to see and actively parent their dc, who cannot and I know that some women make it hard for them to do so, but that is not the majority. In most cases it is the mother left with all the financial, physical and emotional hardships of being a single parent and the father who willingly opts out. That is the reality.

This happened to me when my lb was about 6 months old. I was furious that I had to deal with 3 bed changes and pyjamas whilst my ex was tucked up without a care in the world. We've all been there and dealt with it somehow but it would be a whole lot easier with help. I think someone else put it well in saying that he's the OP's ex partner, not the child's ex father. He should be available to contact whilst the child is young.

Aderyn17 Moving abroad is rare, true enough, but for one or the other of them to move for good reasons to a distance too great for the NRP to be much use in sudden emergency - that's not so unusual, is it?

You and now NotKKW seem to be saying that an NRP must in principle always be contactable and nearby - you say in terms that he cannot go away for the weekend - and that is preposterous. There must be many on this forum who would not like the idea that their OH is tied to home every weekend with his phone on "just in case"!

In fact I remember a client of mine who moved to take up a better job so that instead of living ten minutes from his ex and children he was 90 minutes away - but he went on making the journey, first weekend of the month, until they were old enough to travel to him and they met by arrangement.

No mobiles then but he had a landline.

If she had phoned him in the sort of emergency the OP describes what use could he be?

Is anyone going to say he should always have been at home and never had a drink with a friend?

Get a grip op.

There's a big difference between ringing your partner for moral support if they are working away and to sound off to them about how awful it is and ringing your ex.

Your ex shouldn't be your support network for normal everyday stuff - which a Puke is.

We also have no idea - and the op isn't coming back to tell us - why their custody arrangement is as it is. Or even the age if the child in question.

I didn't say he couldn't go away for the weekend, only that he should be contactable. When I have been away, I've checked in regularly and left my phone on because to me, that's what parents do.
If you are far away and are notified that your child is very unwell, then you make arrangements to come back.
If you don't stay contactable and something bad happens, you risk not knowing until it is too late to be any help. Some parents are okay with that - I'm not.

What if you can't come back?

Or where you are means you can't be contacted?

I totally understand your need for some help in that situation. My DH works nights and once our DS vomitted out of the blue all over our living room carpet, splashed on wall and all over himself. I also had 6 month old in middle of a feed. I did ring him and asked him to nip home for an hour. Its easier with 2 pairs of hands. We've also had 2 more occasions where this has happened but luckily he was at home. Was there no one else you could have called on for help family member, friend or neighbour? I know he's her dad but may be you need a plan for this situation. You should be able to contact him in an emergency though I agree with that.

Unless you are in surgery or on a plane, you can usually be contacted.
You might not be able to get back immediately, but you should imo know what is happening with your own children. Being informed means you can change your plans and get back asap if they need you. People who deliberately choose not to be contactable are telling their kids that their own plans are the priority.
Routinely turning off your phone and deliberately being unavailable for extended periods of time is not acceptable if you are a parent imo.

Aderyn. My job is such that I am not always contactable.

Yesterday I was hundreds of miles from home and couldn't have returned if I had wanted to. And I was only in sporadic contact - or could have been contacted only at certain points.

Weekends I go away with my boyfriend when my kids are in the charge of their dad. That means up a mountain all day walking. Or off abroad for the weekend with phone off and only checking maybe once a day.

I also get no phone signal at my dads house because his house is in a really bad area.

So that's unacceptable in your book? What would you suggest I do? Go on benefits? Never visit my dad? (My ex does not have my dads landline and my dad will not allow his number to be given to my ex for good reason)

Dont often post... But love you really need to put yout big girl knickers on and pull them up

A hell of alot of single/homealone mums have ALL had to deal with this at some point.. Its life.. Just keep going..

You coped.. as most of us have done.

And guess what It probably wont be the last time you have to deal with a poorly dd on your own.. "thats life"

Glad she is feeling better

Millions of single parents of two or more children manage to deal with one or more sick kids without any help. Get yourself organised.

kristinakuzmic.com/philip/
OP, some men do step up!!

Expemsive, there is a difference between not being contactable because you are temporarily somewhere with bad signal and deliberately making yourself uncontactable. Personally I wouldn't go off with my boyfriend all day and have my phone turned off. I would also have my internet turned on at my dad's house so I could be skyped if necessary. If internet is also dodgy I would be telling my dad that I have to leave a contact number with the kids in case of emergency (if you are spending significant amounts of time at your dad's).
Surely your work could leave voicemail which you presumably check every couple of hours?
I never said it was always possible to be there within minutes, but truthfully, as a parent I believe you should be contactable.

Gosh reading this thread I'm so glad DP and his ex have a (semi) sensible head on their shoulders. I can't remember if I said earlier but we frequently go away camping and so for most of the weekend uncontactable. That's not us deliberately making ourselves unavailable for his DD but life goes on and you can't just stop your entire life just because you're separated from each other! Anyone who thinks that should be the case is off their rocker. I'm so glad some of you aren't my DP's ex! Also DP works away frequently in the States and again most of the time he's uncontactable as it's either an unreasonable time or he's working (you know, that thing that some of us have to do to pay the bills and cannot just drop everything to answer a phone)

Most parents who work are also contactable. Schools require it because they recognise that in the event of illness or accident, the child's parents are the ones who need to know. That's both parents ideally.
Personally I wouldn't consider camping to be a good enough reason for my child not be able to contact me, but I guess that's the difference between parenting properly and considering it a part time obligation

Furthermore, if a man is sufficiently dissatisfied with family life to leave home, his wife can hardly be surprised if he is in no hurry to return to clean up vomit.

Never mind 1955, HoneyBee, I think 1755 wants its attitudes back.

Schools don't phone in the middle of the night!

And they have to cope where the other parent is dead and the living parent has no parent or sibling nearby.

Of course they don't phone in the middle of the night, they don't actually have your child then
And of course they cope if the child's other parent is dead. But these parents are not dead, they are just choosing to be unavailable because they are doing the much more important task of camping

ArcheryAnnie, are you suggesting that parents who couldn't give a shit are confined to the past? If so, you are living in fantasy land.

Fathers who abandon their families are alive and kicking in 2017. There is nothing you or OP can do to force an absent parent to be available if they don't want to be.

Just because some fathers are selfish twats Honey does not mean all women should lower their expectations.
Come on, it's not unreasonable to ask a non resident father to offer some support or be available if they can. (Yes they might be in the theatre, working or up a mountain or they might be too selfish to help).

Otherwise the message is Single mothers: expect nothing.

I'm staggered that some are suggesting to not even try to phone the father if you're not coping, why should the poor man get out of bed and help? No, phone your mother or knock on your neighbour's door. Wtf?