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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't sleep with your phone off if your children are elsewhere

559 replies

eslindanunez · 10/09/2017 07:51

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday. She started throwing up about midnight last night and carried on doing so for a few hours. We cosleep so the bed was covered in sick, so was I, so was much of the bedroom and the living room and she needed a few changes of pyjamas so that in itself was quite difficult to deal with it as she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried calling and WhatsApping her dad to ask him to come over so that he could at least hold her while I changed the bed and had a shower and just for moral support ( was quite worried as she's never been sick before) but his phone has clearly been turned off as the messages haven't even been registered as read. That's still the case now at nearly 8 AM. Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep? Because things happen and obviously this wasn't even that bad but it could've been a lot worse! I can't imagine being away from DD and not having a means to be contacted should something happen.

OP posts:
MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 17:46

*there will

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 17:46

The op does not say that the man turns his phone off every single night. In fact she has long left the thread.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 10/09/2017 17:47

This thread is frustrating. The OP possibly panicked during the night with a very sick child and tried to contact her ex. His phone was off.

She was concerned that if there was a real emergency he couldn't be reached.

Posters are falling over themselves to say cope on your own, don't expect anything of him, he' allowed to have a life, it's your fault for picking him, get on with it, what do you expect..

I'm appalled.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 18:14

I'm appalled

You and me both Sad

Aderyn17 · 10/09/2017 18:14

It doesn't matter what people did bef8re we had mobile phones. The fact is we have them now. So if you are a parent, bloody answer it!
If you are doing your share of parenting Expemsive, then fine to expect your ex to do his. That is what the OP would probsbly like - for her child's dad to pull his weight periodically.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 18:14

The message seems to be 'Women: expect nothing.'

MaisyPops · 10/09/2017 18:15

The message seems to be 'Women: expect nothing
No it's not.
It's parents (male or female) be reasonable.

bigfatdoughnut · 10/09/2017 18:19

YANBU I think as a parent he should leave his phone on. Anything could happen!

NoProblemForMe · 10/09/2017 18:23

The ex's phone could have run out of battery
The ex's phone could have been left at a friend's house
The ex's phone could have been lost or stolen
The ex could be in hospital following an accident

Nobody actually knows that he deliberately switched his phone off to avoid parenting duties.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 18:24

Maisy And is OP's ex being reasonable, in your opinion? To do none of the night shifts nor, crucially, any of the day shifts either?

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 18:26

NoProblem

True. But the thread has largely been about whether, in general, he should have it on. Let's imagine this was a blip. There are still scores of posters who think he shouldn't have to have it on at all.

pinkhorse · 10/09/2017 18:36

I always sleep with my phone on when ds is at his dads

SemiNormal · 10/09/2017 18:38

This is such a sad thread. As I said I have zero contact with my ex now, however a long, long time ago he used to have our DS over night on a weekend. If there was something he was struggling with or whatever then I was glad for him to ring me so I could either advise/discuss over the phone. If he was not coping for whatever reason, even a sick bug, then I would have been there ASAP. Not just for my DS but because I would want to support my ex in his parenting and make sure that HE was okay too - the wellbeing of my sons father is (was) my business as far as I'm concerned. I wouldn't have wanted him to just struggle on with things just because it was 'his night'. It was important to me that he was 'well' and felt supported for our sons sake.

No one HAS to be reasonable when it comes to parenting, but if you are a reasonable parent then surely you both do all you can to help each other no matter the circumstances because you want the parent of your child to be okay/happy?

Andrewofgg · 10/09/2017 19:10

Aderyn17: you say I don't consider being out with your second family to be a valid reason for your first family being unable to contact you.

Really? If the NRP takes his second OH away for the weekend to a place some distance away, and they go to the theatre and have a drink or two, he will be out of contact in the theatre and unable to drive after it - and probably too far away to be of any help even if his phone is on.

Who will say that he is being unreasonable in doing any of those things just in case his ex wants him?

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 19:13

It's not so much a case of his ex wanting him as his child needing him

It's an inconvenient fact... if you father children and then move on and start again, you are still father to the first batch. You just have to manage as best you can. As does your ex.

MaisyPops · 10/09/2017 19:16

AndisOP's ex being reasonable, in your opinion? To do none of the night shifts nor, crucially, any of the day shifts either?
That's their custody arrangement. Is it the custody agreement i would have? No. But that's their arrangement.
It still doesn't mean he can be expected to be on call to drop everything and come.

Mother goes away for a weekend when it's DC's weekend with dad. Child gets sick and is throwing up. Dad calls telling motjer to come home because the child has been sick. It's not mum's weekend. She isn't required to leave her friends on a weekend away because dad wants a hand with some puke.
Just like if I go on a school trip and there was a problem with DC, DH wouldn't be reasomable to expect me to come back and sort it because he wants a hand.

NoProblemForMe · 10/09/2017 19:19

@Merchant I'm pretty old school and have a landline so I don't have the mobile switched on in my bedroom.

Like other people on here I have friends who live in difference time zones, friends who are insomniac and text links to stuff during the night etc. Bloody annoying to be woken up at 2am with a link to the latest Dr Pimple Popper even though I'm a committed sporner Grin

In the OP's case I can only assume the ex doesn't have a landline hence expecting him to have the mobile on at all times. I can see the reasoning re: emergencies tbh.

Aderyn17 · 10/09/2017 19:33

Andrew yes, even if you are away with your new oh and have had a drink, I would still think it reasonable for you to be contactable, in case your children need you.
It's not a question of being at the beck and call of your ex - if they were phoning you because there was a spider in the bath you'd be well within your rights to tell them to get on and deal with it themselves.

Otoh if you were away and your child was sick, you should want to know this so you could change your plans if your child got worse. If you were home and 5 minutes away and your child was sick, would you not want to help, either by comforting your baby while mum clears up/has a bath or by looking after them so mum can get some rest before going back to full on parenting?

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 19:36

Maisy yes, it is their custody arrangement - but are we to assume OP is happy with it?

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 19:41

I don't go inside my ex house and he doesn't go in mine.

I thought we would before we divorced I thought we could but it didn't work out like that.

If my child is sick in his care then he has his own support network to look after the child while he has a bath and vice versa.

I would not have him in my house. Nor he have me in his.

MaisyPops · 10/09/2017 19:43

We don't have to assume she is happy.

The fact in this situation is the contact arrangement is as it is.

He wasn't looking after the child. He'd have been well within his rights to be on holiday abroad.

I think the OP is ending up with a ridiculous weight of childcare. I don't think their arrangement is close to fair. It soubds like it was a rubbish night. But in the situation he wasn't wrong to not go round because she's whatsapping him over some sick.

Andrewofgg · 10/09/2017 19:43

Merchant And if one of the second batch needs him too?

He cannot be expected to be available at the drop of a hat whenever, wherever, and whatever. Any more than if he and the mother were still together and he was away on business.

My DS once suffered a minor mishap when he was three; it was 6 p.m. on Friday, I was 250 miles away, due to drive home the next morning, and had just had a drink at the bar when I rang DW (no mobiles then) and heard about it. There was nothing I could do: I could not drive home, I could not sensibly abandon the car at the hotel. I was sorry I could not help but I don't think I was being neglectful.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 10/09/2017 19:43

The custody arrangement is separate to the discussion of whether the father should be contactable 24/7 though.

MaisyPops · 10/09/2017 19:44

The custody arrangement is separate to the discussion of whether the father should be contactable 24/7 though

You've put it much better than me.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 19:46

Yip. What they said. The custody arrangement is separate to the father being convicted twctable 24/7.

I'm about to get stuck in here and have a thing on tomorrow. I intend not to be contactable until about 5 pm tomorrow. I'm a crap parent clearly.

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