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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you don't sleep with your phone off if your children are elsewhere

559 replies

eslindanunez · 10/09/2017 07:51

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday. She started throwing up about midnight last night and carried on doing so for a few hours. We cosleep so the bed was covered in sick, so was I, so was much of the bedroom and the living room and she needed a few changes of pyjamas so that in itself was quite difficult to deal with it as she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried calling and WhatsApping her dad to ask him to come over so that he could at least hold her while I changed the bed and had a shower and just for moral support ( was quite worried as she's never been sick before) but his phone has clearly been turned off as the messages haven't even been registered as read. That's still the case now at nearly 8 AM. Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep? Because things happen and obviously this wasn't even that bad but it could've been a lot worse! I can't imagine being away from DD and not having a means to be contacted should something happen.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 10/09/2017 19:47

Oh, and you cannot be contactable in a theatre, no matter how many children you have, because only a twat-and-a-half leaves the phone on - even on vibrate, even on silent - in a theatre. They must be O-F-F off.

And if the NRP and his OH are away for the weekend I can think of something else they might want to do with both their mbiles off!

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 19:47

To lool at the example you've just given maisy I'd agree - the mum shouldn't have to come back from her weekend away to clear up puke - but every situation is different. If that were a shared arrangement, and mum had made special plans, and it was only routine puke- fine.

But OP's situation was different. It was, in a sense, a one-off because it was the FIRST night of extreme sickness. In addition, the dad never has the child, so it's not as if his special night off was going to be sabotaged. And OP gave every indication that the ex is fairly local. So is it unreasonable im this specific case?

Maybe it still is. But actually OP's question was more about what if it hadn't just been puke ? Contrary to what many posters think, there are plenty of scenarios that fall somewhere between minor sickness and police involvement. He would have been just as uncontactable if it'd been something worse.

MaisyPops · 10/09/2017 19:52

It would be nice if he was free and could come round. But it is wrong to expect it.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 19:52

But the op hasn't said why the dad never has the child overnight.

She also hasn't said how local he is.

She also has no idea what he's up to. I never tell my ex where I am and what I'm doing and he would have no clue if I was away for the weekend or not.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 19:53

We also don't know how old the child is.

She could be one and still bf all night or she could be 3. The op doesn't say beyond toddler which is a broad range.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 19:54

Although that sounds meaningful (The custody arrangement is separate to the father being contactable 24/7) I don't actually think it's the magic answer here. Every situation is different. It's just common sense. If one parent never does any overnights, it's common decency to help out if the other parent has been up all night with a sick child. Whether it's realistic or not is another matter - if he's already managed to shirk his responsibility to this extent, you probably can't rely on his common decency. But my point is, just because something has been rubber-stamped in court, it doesn't make it reasonable or kind.

MaisyPops · 10/09/2017 19:57

If one parent never does any overnights, it's common decency to help out if the other parent has been up all night with a sick child
And ive said if he was around and available then it would be great if he could pop round
It doesn't mean it's reasonable to expect someone to be on call 24/7 & drop things.

If he was around and free, sure he might have gone around.
But his phone was off and it's not reasonable to say 'you must have your phone on so i can contact you and ask you to come round whenever i need it'.

People are saying he was unreasonable for not being on call 24/7. He's not.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 10/09/2017 19:58

Andrew I don't know why you keep banging on about being in the theatre. That must be a very small percentage of your time unless you are member of The RSC or something.

No one's demanding a partner be at the "Beck and call" of the mother or expected to turn up and help "At the drop of a hat"or terminate a holiday. All very dramatic phrases. Quite theatrical in fact Grin

All she wanted was for her dd's father to be available to take a phone call about his child.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 19:59

You're clearly not a crap parent expem

You've clearly had a tough time with a shitty ex.

I worry too much to be uncontactable for any length of time. Doesn't make me a better parent.

But I would resent it if I was doing all the donkey work, and a problem arose and the other parent had just not bothered to turn their phone on. Not if they were in an important meeting/up a mountain but just couldn't be arsed.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 20:02

But LAST NIGHT the father wasn't available. The op doesn't know why (or didn't when she posted) and it IS unreasonable for people here to say he has to be available 24/7.

And I just love the inference that I am some kind of shitty parent who doesn't worry about their kids because I don't always have my phone on WHEN THEY ARE IN THE CARE OF THEIR OTHER PARENT. especially by someone who isn't a single parent and therefore has no idea what it's like in reality.

indigox · 10/09/2017 20:02

Yabu, even when DS saw his dad I'd never be calling him if he was ill/vomiting, even on the instances it was all over me, the bed and DS. You get on with it without running to someone else to help, it's perfectly possible.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 20:05

He cannot be expected to be available at the drop of a hat whenever, wherever, whatever

No, of course he can't. Nor can any one. It's not reasonable.

We all just do our best. But there isn't going to be an easy, everyone's-happy answer to this, is there? It's no good being surprised and all "what do I do now?" if both sets of children need you at the same time. It's a no-win situation. If you want two sets of children, then... you're likely to be the bad guy in somebody's book at some point. That's life.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 20:10

If you have more than one child you're going to be the bad guy

That's not unique to people,with a second family.

RedSkyAtNight · 10/09/2017 20:13

I've just been swimming. Something I do at least once and often twice a week. Between driving there, getting changed and actually swimming that's a whole 2 hours that I was uncontactable. Which apparently makes me an awful parent according to some on this thread.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 20:14

Does it redsky Not to me. Who thinks you're awful?

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 20:16

I have more than one child. I'm sure I'm the bad guy sometimes- but not because I'm with my other, separate children Confused

Silvercatowner · 10/09/2017 20:18

even on silent - in a theatre

How is a silent phone going to disturb anyone??

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 20:18

But if you've got two kids who need you at the same time you can't be with both of them. That's not unique to 1st or 2nd families.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 20:19

Silent phone still flashes up bright alerts which is incredibly distracting in a dark theatre or cinema.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 20:23

You can literally be with both your kids at the same time. It's really easy if you all live in the same house Hmm

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 20:25

And there we have it Merchant.

Aren't you just lovely.

Aderyn17 · 10/09/2017 20:30

I cannot help thinking that maybe the OP would quite like to go to the theatre or have a weekend away shagging a new fella. But she can't, because she is 100% responsible for her child. Seems the least the child's dad could do is keep his bloody phone on and be available to help when she needs it!

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 20:33

expem I'm going to reply to you because I feel terrible that you feel there's any implication at all that you're some kind of 'shitty parent'. You're obviously not. You have revealed that you had a shitty ex and your situation is not the OP's.

And I agree with much of what you've just said. You're quite right that as far as we know the OP's ex was only unavailable LAST NIGHT. True. But OP found that very unhelpful and is wondering if, in general, he should be available.

I don't think he should have to be available 24/7. I really don't. But I think, on balance, if you've fathered 3 children but you live with none of them, you could at least be generally available. But perhaps he is. Perhaps he genuinely is.

But I really, really don't like the tone that dominated the early pages of this thread - the showing off. It was vile.

Stormwhale · 10/09/2017 20:34

Oh god it's awful being alone when your dc (and you) are ill isn't it.

I remember quite a defining moment for me as a mother was when dd and I both came down with a horrific sickness bug.

She called out in the night as she was being sick. I jumped up out of bed, and very quickly realised I needed to lay down or I would faint. I army crawled to dds bedroom, to find a hysterical toddler. I had no option but to pull her onto the floor with me as I couldn't even get up to sitting without going to black out. We just lay there for ages covered in sick.

After a while I managed to get upright enough to pull the sheets off the bed and throw them across the hall into the kitchen. I crawled with her to the bathroom, wiped us down with a flannel, then crawled with her to my bedroom.

Worst night ever. You seriously have my sympathy op.

The other side of it though is that you learn to do it alone. I'm back with dp, but we don't live together and won't for a long time, so all this is down to me. I'm ok about that. I have found strength that I didn't know I had and that rocks. I'm proud of the way I have handled being a single mum, and proud of how self sufficient I am. I hope you feel the same too.

Sogrowjo · 10/09/2017 20:50

YANBU
I would definitely keep my phone on if my dc were sleeping elsewhere. He is her dad and you should have been able to contact him when she was ill.