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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't sleep with your phone off if your children are elsewhere

559 replies

eslindanunez · 10/09/2017 07:51

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday. She started throwing up about midnight last night and carried on doing so for a few hours. We cosleep so the bed was covered in sick, so was I, so was much of the bedroom and the living room and she needed a few changes of pyjamas so that in itself was quite difficult to deal with it as she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried calling and WhatsApping her dad to ask him to come over so that he could at least hold her while I changed the bed and had a shower and just for moral support ( was quite worried as she's never been sick before) but his phone has clearly been turned off as the messages haven't even been registered as read. That's still the case now at nearly 8 AM. Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep? Because things happen and obviously this wasn't even that bad but it could've been a lot worse! I can't imagine being away from DD and not having a means to be contacted should something happen.

OP posts:
TheRealBiscuitAddict · 10/09/2017 16:51

Can you imagine the responses if someone posted here "I'm in a relatively new relationship with a man who has a child from a previous relationship. Recently his ex has started ringing him in the middle of the night to help her come and clear up sick from their DC and he has gone straight round there. It feels as if he is on 24/7 call by his ex, and although he has children from a previous relationship, surely they are with their mother atm so should be ok to be looked after by her?

The responses would be to LTB.

It is not unreasonable to be sad at having to deal with these things alone in the middle of the night. But it is incredibly unreasonable to think that when the children are in one parent's care, the other parent should be on 24/7 call and should run round to the house in the middle of the night if the parent so demands. Where does that end? One person's emergency is a vomiting child, another person's is a child having a bad dream and asking for daddy. And then there is the other scenario where a parent has escaped an abusive and controlling relationship only for that control to continue in the demanding of the parent to come and see to the DC at a moment's notice.

The man already had children from a previous relationship, so OP surely knows that running round to an ex's house wouldn't be considered the norm?

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 16:57

TheRealBiscuit

Seriously?

Why should the father's responsibility end just because he's in a new relationship? Because it's suddenly inconvenient?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 10/09/2017 17:05

That's melodramatic Andrew

You could apply that sensibly to separated parents by;
simply agreeing that the non resident parent has their phone on when possible,

agreeing they take their phone abroad just in case they need to be asked for their opinion as a parent or kept informed of something important

and be receptive to being asked for a lift although both parents acknowledge it might not be possible.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 10/09/2017 17:09

Nobody has said that. But what I have said is that if someone had recently entered into a relationship with someone who had children and the ex was constantly ringing them in the middle of the night to come round and be with those children the person in the relationship would be advised that this wasn't a workable relationship. And it isn't.

Whether he sees his children too little is a valid discussion in itself but it is a separate discussion from that which discusses whether it is appropriate for any parent to demand the other parent come round in the middle of the night to deal with a sick child when they are not currently the parent with designated contact.

That implies that no parent is ever allowed any kind of life ever, regardless of whether you are together or not. But the reality is that in not being together both parents will be living separate lives from each other. To stipulate that it's perfectly reasonable, should be expected even, that the other parent be on permanent call and be available to come over at a moment's notice is not only unreasonable it's unrealistic.

If a woman posted here that her children were with their father and he kept calling in the middle of the night for her to come and deal with them if they were sick/having bad dreams/wanted mummy/whatever other reasons he might give, posters would be telling her that he was clearly using the children to continue to control her.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 17:18

biscuit

No one 'keeps phoning in the night'.

OP had one bad night. The first, it would seem. Dad was unavailable. Now she's wondering what she'd do in a worse scenario.

Parents can have lives AND be reasonably available for emergencies.

The less available the non-resident parent is, the more available the other one has to be. Is that perfectly ok though if it allows dad to pursue a new relationship?!

Lovingmybear2 · 10/09/2017 17:22

Flying

So sorry yes we agree Flowers

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 17:23

Merchant. Are you a single parent?

Oly5 · 10/09/2017 17:23

Yabu. Expecting him to come out in the middle of the night is ridiculous. You just cope don't you?
Personally, I keep my phone on in case spending would happen with the kids.. But I wouldn't expect to be called out in the middle of the night to deal with vomit. If she was vomitingn under his care, I'd expect him to cope too

Aderyn17 · 10/09/2017 17:25

Andrew I think you are over egging it a bit there.
As a nrp, you should imo be contactable. Fine to put your phone on mute in the theatre, fine to have a drink, go away from home, all the things that a resident parent might do. But if something goes wrong, your child's other parent should be able to contact you and you should want to be contacted.
Now you might not he able to get there immediately, but if you lived 5 minutes away and could help, why wouldn't you?
I don't consider being out with your second family to be a valid reason for your first family being unable to contact you Hmm

Expem you have taken steps so that your children can contact you if needed. If they are old enough then great, but thst doesn't work for the OP.

If I was dating a man who would go over to his child's home in the middle of the night to help clear up vomit or comfort his child who'd had a nightmare and wanted him, I'd cling on to that man for dear life because that's exactly who I would want to share a life with and have babies with.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 17:27

I don't have a second family. I consider it perfectly valid of me to go to the cinema without telling my ex I am there.

There is no reception in the cinema.

But according to some here I shouldn't do that

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 17:28

expem

I think I've answered that Confused

Are you reading my responses?!

Not a single parent, no. But I feel I'm showing more compassion than some who are. It seems that you've been dealt a crap deal with your ex (for which I'm sorry) and you're angry that OP is expecting slightly better.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 17:29

(I go to places without reception. No one is always contactable. But I don't go out of my way to fly under the radar.)

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 17:30

I'm reading on my phone. As I said. That makes it difficult to read back.

Can I just say that I had all kinds of ideas about how I would co parent if I was a single parent when I wasn't one. The reality is different.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 17:31

I'm sure it is different. But we should continue to encourage women to expect what's fair.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 17:33

But hold on. This man already had kids he wasn't involved with overly much. The op knew what to expect.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 10/09/2017 17:34

Just how do people who think that both parents should be contactable at all times think single parents managed before we had mobile phones?

My ex was always the practical one in that he would be the one who got up and changed the bedding, threw it in the machine etc while I dealt with the child. The first time he was ill after we split I remember thinking how much easier it had been when he was around so I wasn't doing everything by myself. But it would never have occurred to me to text him to come round and help me in the middle of the night. I did text him at around 6 the next morning iirc just to tell him that DC wouldn't be at school, but the very idea that I'd text him at 2 or 3 in the morning isn't something I would even have contemplated.

Also, how does this expectation tie in with the posters who complain that their ex's come into the house when they're not wanted there? Posters are continually being told that the house is their space and to not let the ex in if they're uncomfortable. And yet people think the same ex should reasonably be expected to drop everything and head over to that house at a moment's notice to help look after the sick DC in the middle of the night?

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 17:36

In the old days biscuit you'd just ring the house phone. Everyone would wake!

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 17:39

Merchant you would really ring a house phone and wake everyone for a child puking?

That's just not appropriate when you are split. The op says she only wanted him there for morale support for her. Not for the child.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 10/09/2017 17:39

I hope you got some rest today, OP. Everything feels shit when you're sleep deprived and have been dealing with mountains of puke. I do think YWBU in this instance but I expect it's the tip of the iceberg. When you're doing almost all the parenting, it's incredibly hard. Flowers

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 17:41

It'd be different if OP was already sharing duty with ex. She isn't. She does the lot!

So, what I've learnt from this thread:

If your child is very sick overnight...

If you're the parent who already does all the care, day and night, what should you do? Be better

If you're the absent father who does two hours of contact per week, what should you do? Nothing. Carry on snoring. Dozens of women have got your back and they're vehemently defending you on MN right now. You're golden, mate

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 10/09/2017 17:42

Except everyone might be away for the weekend. Or should that not have been allowed before mobile phones?

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 17:43

No... i said you would phone the house phone as a rule, in an emergency, pre-mobiles. Not necessarily in this instance.

Yeah - it was puke this time. But he didn't know that did he...?

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 10/09/2017 17:44

"I'm sure it is different. But we should continue to encourage women to expect what's fair." so that then also means the woman being at her ex's beck and call when the children are with him? Ready to rush over at a moment's notice when he calls at 3 AM?

Be careful what you wish for...

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 17:45

Dear god biscuit Three will always be exceptions.

Turning your phone off every night of your life is not an exception.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 17:46

My ex used to phone me if they had to go to the doctor or dentist on his time and expected me to take them.

I still remember the verucca incident.

I said no. He had to cope and do the grunt work of parenting.

If you follow the op argument then I should have gone and sorted it for him.

That's not on at all.

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