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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't sleep with your phone off if your children are elsewhere

559 replies

eslindanunez · 10/09/2017 07:51

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday. She started throwing up about midnight last night and carried on doing so for a few hours. We cosleep so the bed was covered in sick, so was I, so was much of the bedroom and the living room and she needed a few changes of pyjamas so that in itself was quite difficult to deal with it as she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried calling and WhatsApping her dad to ask him to come over so that he could at least hold her while I changed the bed and had a shower and just for moral support ( was quite worried as she's never been sick before) but his phone has clearly been turned off as the messages haven't even been registered as read. That's still the case now at nearly 8 AM. Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep? Because things happen and obviously this wasn't even that bad but it could've been a lot worse! I can't imagine being away from DD and not having a means to be contacted should something happen.

OP posts:
MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 16:12

expem as pp said, you are projecting a lot. All you say might be true for YOU. For someone who lives rurally, calling the father could be days quicker than waiting for a bus!

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 16:13

Emergency is leg hanging off blood gushing needs to go to a&e right now do not pass go or collect £200.

Anything else is sort it out and tell after.

Emergency to me is life or death cannot wait.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 16:14

I live rurally. As a single parent with no car I kept £20 in a spare purse for a taxi if I needed it.

If the father is unreliable any other time what in earth makes you think he will be then?

FlyingGiraffeBox · 10/09/2017 16:14

does everyone keep their phone off when their dcs are elsewhere

Yes of course and youngest 18. Why on earth would you ever not?

Hang on loving, having looked at your other posts I think we might be at cross purposes and I actually agree with you! I was responding to the post above where you seemed to respond that you kept your phone off and your youngest was 18.

Sorry I misunderstood- amd quite agree, kids don't suddenly stop being your kids when they hit 18.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 16:15

insancerre

As a parent, I would regard it as an emergency if my child needed to go to A&E. Indeed, A&E stands for accident and emergency, and not every emergency arrives by ambulance.

You're being a bit obtuse. As a parent, I'd view various things as 'emergency enough' before an ambulance was warranted.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 16:17

If a father is unreliable any other time what makes you think he won't be then

Nothing. I thought we were discussing what was reasonable and what you would expect from a reasonable parent.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 16:20

I thought we were discussing the op who has a child with a man who only sees said child for 3 hours in a Sunday.

Quirkydamsel · 10/09/2017 16:21

YABU OP
'If something really bad happened (life or death in hospital bad) the police would go to his door and tell him. Bring him to the hospital. '
This is what would have happened

insancerre · 10/09/2017 16:22

Obtuse?
No I've just got a different definition of emergency
Emergency to me is life or death or the need for urgent assistance

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 16:24

We are discussing what would be reasonable to expect - are you suggesting that it's unreasonable to expect normal behaviour from a particular dad or just unrealistic?

Surely all parents should behave reasonably? Or do some get special dispensation because they have demonstrated that they are twats?

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 16:26

In this case the op would be unreasonable to expect anything more than tokenism. She picked him. He's not that interested. That's unlikely to change.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 10/09/2017 16:26

Yes I'm sure the overstretched underfunded police force are sitting about waiting to go and collect fathers who can't be arsed with having their phone switched on. Hmm

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 16:27

Ok insancerre

I'd consider it an emergency if one of my children had to go to hospital for any reason aside from a sceduled appointment. I'd want to know. If whoever was looking after them thought I didn't need to know, I'd assume they had a screw loose tbh.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 16:27

It's their job in an emergency when family members can't be contacted.

It's not their job over a bit of puke from a toddler.

Urubu · 10/09/2017 16:28

But MerchantofVenice then it also does mean you could never drink above the driving limit, even if the DC are with the other parent. Or go away to another continent for work or holidays.
I would say all of these, and turning your phone off at night, are ok as long as it is clear that the other parent is in charge.
This applies to parents being together or not.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 16:28

Ahh! So it is OP's fault! She picked him

At least we know now.

NoProblemForMe · 10/09/2017 16:29

Sorry you've had such a rough night, I hope your toddler is feeling better today.

Haven't read all 12 pages so apologies if it's already been suggested that he may have left his phone at a friend's house or lost/had the phone stolen.

Has he read the texts yet?

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 16:30

Merchant I've taken kids to hospital for bumps and breaks and told their dad after. He's done the same.

The only time we contact in that kind of minor bump scenario is if they have to stay in.

(Eg. DD broke her leg - he took her - plaster and home - texted me to let me know later on. When DS had to stay in, I took him initially and when it was clear he would have to stay I texted my ex to let him know. When DS was in a smash and the car he was in was a write off I text him couldn't get him and the police said they would let him know. I didn't aske them to they offered. Therefore I assume it's part of their normal role)

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 16:31

I didn't say it was her fault. Catch on. But she picked him. Just as I picked an unreliable man. It happens. You can't change people they are what they are

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 16:37

urubu

No, it doesn't mean that. It means the other parent can say "no, sorry - I can't drive tonight" and the two parents come up with another plan.

According to some posters it's always the resident parent's job 100% of the time to deal with everything. They have to accept that the other parent is useless and just 'get on with it'.

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 16:40

Right. So you know you also picked an unreliable man. Fine. In that case, I'd imagine you could be one of the compassionate posters who understands. However, you just seem angry with OP for expecting perfectly reasonable behaviour from the other parent.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 16:41

When my kids aren't with me then they are my ex responsibility.

I have no obligation to tell him what I am doing. And I don't. Nor does he me.

So the parent who is in charge has to get on with it. That's what being a single parent is. That's what being divorced / not together is. You aren't with the other person and the normal crap of parenting (which a puke is) you just get on with.

This weekend I've no kids. I might go over to a friend an hour away tonight and have wine and gin. I'm off tomorrow.

Do I need to tell my ex so he knows not to drink incase anything happens? Or do I think with him. So. Not. My. Problem. And go out and gin rightly.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 10/09/2017 16:47

I didn't call my ex in similar circumstances, but looking back I should have done.

Having said that, chances are he'd have been pissed, a bit useless and probably would have tried to get a shag out of it so I was probably right to play the martyr. Oh and he'd have used it as another example of my alleged inability to cope.

Sorry, not terribly helpful! Grin

Andrewofgg · 10/09/2017 16:50

Aderyn7 you say I am also really depressed by this thread and the way society endorses men just opting out or viewing their having to work the next day as more important than physically caring for their sick DC.

Let's apply what you say to separated parents.

It means that the NRP, usually the father, can never turn off his phone; never go to a theatre; never take the new family which he might have out; never have a drink in case he is needed and has to drive.

He obviously cannot go abroad.

In fact he must remain living near the mother, and cannot move away for the sake of his career, or his new OH's career, or to be near his or her ageing parents, or just because he or she prefers another part of the country.

And if the mother moves away for the sake of her career, or her new OH's career, or to be near her or his ageing parents, or just because she or he prefers another part of the country - must he move nearby at the cost of his career and his new relationship?

It doesn't work, does it?

MerchantofVenice · 10/09/2017 16:50

I'm married to the father of my children, but, believe it or not, we also spend time apart. We don't spend all that time staring at our phones just in case- but neither do we deliberately go off grid/keep our whereabouts secret. We are reasonably contactable.

It should, surely, be no different for parents who are permanently apart? They are still parents. I don't expect my husband to be contactable at all times or to be 100%sober at all times - but I do expect adult levels of responsibility!

If the dad in this scenario thinks he gets 8 uninterrupted hours every night whilst the mothers of his 3 children are on 24/7 call-out, then, unsurprisingly, I think he's a bit of a useless twat. And I'm disgusted that all the anger on this thread has been directed at a single mother who has spent the night cleaning up sick. But that's MN for you.

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