Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's lack of boundaries.

86 replies

CredulousThickos · 09/09/2017 21:34

DD is 13. She just does not seem to have any concept of boundaries or privacy.

Our current battle is that she walks around the house in bra and knickers. Every single time she appears, me or DH will tell her it's inappropriate and to go and put some clothes on. And then later on she'll walk in half naked again. It's like Groundhog Day.

She goes to the loo with the door wide open as well. She gives zero fucks, she doesn't care about her own privacy and she doesn't care that it's not pleasant for the other four people in the house.

On the other side of the coin, she thinks nothing of bursting into our bedroom, even in the middle of the night, and will just start talking to us even if we're asleep.

If I'm on the phone she talks to me, literally every time I take a call. I usually leave the room now but she'll follow me and keep chatting.

On the rare occasions I have a bath she will either talk to me through the door or bang on the door to get my attention.

I really thought she would get better at this as she got older, but if anything she's getting worse.

She also has no respect at all for other people's belongings, if she finds something she wants around the house she'll just take it, whether it's my expensive conditioner or someone else's chocolate.

I'm at a loss. We've tried cajoling, explaining, shouting, pleading. Nothing seems to get through to her.

She was assessed for ASD a few years ago and two of the doctors we saw both said she was on the spectrum but not enough for a formal diagnosis. So I don't know if this is all part of that. Regardless, it worries me. Especially as she gets older and it's all obviously much less socially acceptable. It's one thing having a toddler running around in her pants all day and quite another when it's an almost adult bodied teenager. Amd the same for the constant interrupting etc.

Any ideas or strategies? Or words of encouragement that she'll eventually grow out of it?

OP posts:
MrMessy · 09/09/2017 22:14

Could you ask to have her re- referred? It does sound like she may need some professional support.

ASauvingnonADay · 09/09/2017 22:16

I agree about having her re-referred. I'd worry that she is really vulnerable. I'd share your concerns with school also.

Original poster
CredulousThickos · 09/09/2017 22:21

Oh god, do you think? I was hoping people would say it's totally normal and she'll grow out of it.

The thought of her being an adult with poor boundaries is terrifying. Vulnerable is exactly what I think.

Would a diagnosis achieve anything? What sort of support is available?

OP posts:
MrMessy · 09/09/2017 22:25

Have you talked to the school?If she behaves like this there then they may well have had reports of it, especially taking things from others and talking over people ( I presume she does dress appropriately at school ) They should be able to advise you on the support they can give her.I think it would be a good starting point.

fannydaggerz · 09/09/2017 22:29

I behaved like this for a few months just to be a pain in the arse. I have no idea why I did it, I just did.

I will say she's wanting recognised as being grown up now and possibly wanting attention.

Nuttynoo · 09/09/2017 22:34

This could just be a phase. Suggest locks on your bedroom door. Punish her for leaving the bathroom door open or coming down in underwear when you have told her not to (take something away/ reduce pocket money etc). I personally would make fun of her in front of the other siblings eg call her out for having skiddies on her pants etc.

Whosthemummynow · 09/09/2017 22:42

Have her re-reffered.... Sorry but I've got to laugh at that one!
Yes ask for another referral of you'd like a diagnoses in a couple years time when she's probably grown out of the behaviour

Sexykitten2005 · 09/09/2017 22:44

Please don't make fun of anyone. that is horrible advice and could cause untold problems further down the line

LovingLola · 09/09/2017 22:46

Are there any concerns about her behaviour in school? eg. going to the toilet and leaving the door wide open?

HeebieJeebies456 · 09/09/2017 22:51

what is her reaction/response when someone does the same to her?
Do you violate her privacy/boundaries, interrupt her talking to/hanging out with friends?

What consequences do you give her for breaking/ignoring your rules and boundaries?

She might have 'mild' ASD and the rest could just be her being attention seeking, rebellious, self centred, selfish and just not giving a fuck about anyone but herself......i.e a 'typical' teenager.

Runninglateeveryday · 09/09/2017 22:56

My DD is the same at 16, she'll walk in and try to chat to me whilst I'm weeing, thinks nothing of waking me up to tell me some teenage gossip. Obviously I tell her not to but she doesn't listen, same with other people properly, I'm considering getting a lock for my door as nothing is sacred.

OnTheRise · 09/09/2017 22:56

I personally would make fun of her in front of the other siblings eg call her out for having skiddies on her pants etc.

Don't do that. It's horrible.

cardeyscat · 09/09/2017 22:59

I would've loved that level of body confidence at 13.... it does sound a bit extreme though. If it's behavioural/teenage angst I reckon positive reinforcement may help. Incentives for doing as you say or just showing your appreciation for her good behaviour. I've found that the teens that appear the most bolshy and confident are often exactly the opposite.

frogsoup · 09/09/2017 23:01

"I personally would make fun of her in front of the other siblings"

That is a revolting suggestion.

Racingraccoons · 09/09/2017 23:01

Please don't make fun of her as a PP suggested! That's awful and not a way to deal with the issue.

Perhaps get her re-referred for testing and call a family meeting where you set out boundaries and then sanctions for breaking them (i.e. Loss of pocket money).

Definitely try to get this sorted though as she sounds very vulnerable and this could lead to trouble

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 09/09/2017 23:01

ASD can become gradually more apparent as a child gets older and the social expectations and unwritten rules get more subtle. A diagnosis may be worth it if offered, as schools and further education are getting gradually more Autism aware and supportive, some universities are particularly good with support for students with ASD. Some of the strategies like putting expectations and unspoken rules into writing with her may help, even if it seems she's way past needing it. It may also help to contact the school's Educational Psychologist and ask if there are any books or resources they recommend for teenagers re social awareness and boundaries, they often know what's out there and worth trying.

An adult with ASD in my family discovered a book on social greetings and rushed to me to tell me with excitement that he'd just discovered why he was supposed to look people in the eye and say pleased to meet you when he shook hands. He was in his fifties. He'd been doing it for years, had been taught the mechanics as a child, but hadn't ever had an explanation in written form he could process that made it rational to him.

LineysRun · 09/09/2017 23:04

You have put this in AIBU on Saturday night under the username CredulousThickos

Your choice. People's choice about answering.

Quirkydamsel · 09/09/2017 23:04

Omg I read your post OP and I am thinking we are all mad as rats in our house because we do all the things you have mentioned but it isnt just my dds who do it we all do it and think nowt of it . I don't mind if my dds wake me to tell me juicy goss and I always leave the door open to talk to them while having a wee eeeekkkkkkk

SouthernNorthernGirl · 09/09/2017 23:05

MissHavisham Do you remember what that book was called? It sounds as if that would help my teenage DS very much.

OP Have the school had the same problems? Such as in P.E etc?

Mustang27 · 09/09/2017 23:05

@LineysRun well spotted

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 09/09/2017 23:06

Oops I'm 29 and would walk round in my undies in front of my parents Blush. Also wee with the door open. She is comfortable with you, is that not a good thing? Though I guess if you have asked her to stop (a little bit sad, she is still a child) then she should respect the rules in your house.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 09/09/2017 23:08

Try different tacts. Every time get her to out a t shirt on right there. Every time. My DPs kids used to barge in the bedroom, but each time he made them go back out and knock. Every time! Took a few months but they got it... kind of... !

But even if she has ASD it seems you've been very clear about this rule. Does she follow other rules?

RJnomore1 · 09/09/2017 23:08

Why is someone in their own home in underwear any sort of problem for anyone?

(Apart possibly for credulous thickos)

peachandplum · 09/09/2017 23:09

Revolting behaviour. Punish her for god sake, PUNISH HER.

LineysRun · 09/09/2017 23:10

This is why AIBU should be zapped as a board.