DD's lack of boundaries.

[CredulousThickos]

DD is 13. She just does not seem to have any concept of boundaries or privacy.

Our current battle is that she walks around the house in bra and knickers. Every single time she appears, me or DH will tell her it's inappropriate and to go and put some clothes on. And then later on she'll walk in half naked again. It's like Groundhog Day.

She goes to the loo with the door wide open as well. She gives zero fucks, she doesn't care about her own privacy and she doesn't care that it's not pleasant for the other four people in the house.

On the other side of the coin, she thinks nothing of bursting into our bedroom, even in the middle of the night, and will just start talking to us even if we're asleep.

If I'm on the phone she talks to me, literally every time I take a call. I usually leave the room now but she'll follow me and keep chatting.

On the rare occasions I have a bath she will either talk to me through the door or bang on the door to get my attention.

I really thought she would get better at this as she got older, but if anything she's getting worse.

She also has no respect at all for other people's belongings, if she finds something she wants around the house she'll just take it, whether it's my expensive conditioner or someone else's chocolate.

I'm at a loss. We've tried cajoling, explaining, shouting, pleading. Nothing seems to get through to her.

She was assessed for ASD a few years ago and two of the doctors we saw both said she was on the spectrum but not enough for a formal diagnosis. So I don't know if this is all part of that. Regardless, it worries me. Especially as she gets older and it's all obviously much less socially acceptable. It's one thing having a toddler running around in her pants all day and quite another when it's an almost adult bodied teenager. Amd the same for the constant interrupting etc.

Any ideas or strategies? Or words of encouragement that she'll eventually grow out of it?

Maybe some people are comfortable with walking around naked or just in underwear. Clearly it's not just that. Walking in while someone is weeing just isn't on socially.

And the interrupting while you're on the phone is the behaviour of a much younger child. I'm constantly having to tell my DD1 not to do that.

On the ASD spectrum but not enough for a dx? If she's on the spectrum then she's on the spectrum and needs a dx. My first thought when I started to read this was ASD. My DD was 14 when she was dx - it's very common to be missed until that age for girls.

Try writing a set of rules for her such as when and where in the house to be dressed and exactly what is ok, such as pyjamas yes, underwear no. Also which doors to be kept closedown.

Once those rules are shared, it's then consistent reminders and sanctions for breaking them as with any other boundary you have.

Walking around without clothes on could be a sensory issue, my son is autistic and he used to strip the minute he came home from school, claiming clothing was painful. He is ten now and having tried everything to help him be comfortable he now lives in very soft joggers and t shirts, both need to be 100% cotton. He also got to choose a soft dressing gown, so he is rarely running about in his pants these days. Although he is free to do so in his own room!

If your daughter is autistic then I advise you read up on girls on the spectrum, teenage years, sexuality and their vulnerabilities. It is at this age that her peers will start to notice the differences in her social and emotional maturity. I have been that autistic teenage girl, and whilst I was very intelligent, I was socially and emotionally immature, at thirteen I would say I was around 9 emotionally and socially. I was teased relentlessly and in my later teens and early twenties, I ended up in very dangerous situations, due to naivety and an inability to read social cues, or understand the intentions of others.

My almost eight year old daughter would happily run around in her underwear (which we needed to stop as her brother has started going through puberty). I ended up buying her a short pyjama set from next and she wears that instead now, I bought them in a bigger size and the t shirt is baggy which helps as it feels loose.

www.next.co.uk/xo11478s3#402163

My daughter is not on the spectrum but she has inherited some of my sensory issues. I had no idea that I was on the spectrum until my little boy was diagnosed and when I began to research everything that I could, I could see so many traits in myself. I would likely not have been diagnosed as I like most girls presented differently to boys on the spectrum.. There are fantastic books out now on girls on the spectrum, I will link to them in a different post.

sothernnorthern i don't know the title but it was a book from a business management course if that helps? Kind of the 'win friends and influence people' corporate and people management style of thing.

I really don't understand why someone who has been around MN for a while would post about this on AIBU. If it's for real, and genuine helpful responses are wanted, there are much better boards.

I don't understand how this behaviour is pathological.
I wonder around half naked a lot. The loo door isn't shut when I wee either.
Same as many friends who were brought up by 60s hippies.
She is just trying to get attention.
I cannot comment on ASD but you would be wise to read the NICE and NHS guidance.

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspergers-Girls-World-Renowned-Experts-Syndrome-ebook/dp/B00TZN9O1E/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1505031166&sr=8-4&keywords=Autism+aspergers+girls+women&tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspergirls-Empowering-Females-Asperger-Syndrome-ebook/dp/B00GDJQNO4/ref=pd_sim_351_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=4EE6RHSSXXGBVMP9XF4K&tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Girls-Growing-Autism-Spectrum-Professionals/dp/1843108550/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1505031275&sr=8-5&keywords=Autism+girls+teenager+aspergers&tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Girls-Autism-Spectrum-Celebrating/dp/1849058938/ref=pd_sim_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=6D9795BVW70XQVS81Z7K&tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspergers-Me-Girl-Curly-Hair/dp/095626932X/ref=pd_sim_14_9?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=S5JHEM5QYJ2XFCRWS6Q0&tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Sexuality-Relationship-Education-Adolescents-Disorders/dp/1849053855/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=KT92Z28Q98A819WY4T1W&tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Exploring-Friendships-Puberty-Relationships-Adolescence/dp/1849054398/ref=pd_sim_14_7?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=2HD98H01NQ2SMGQ42W8W&tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Making-Sense-Sex-Forthright-Relationships/dp/1843103745/ref=pd_bxgy_14_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=32ZM8MA29Z2BMPCHDKMD&tag=mumsnetforum-21

I know its early for this, but its the one book I wish I had access to as a teenager, it could have saved me from some frightening and confusing situations.

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspie-Girls-Guide-Being-Safe/dp/1849053545/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1505031590&sr=1-2&keywords=Women+autism+aspergers+safety&tag=mumsnetforum-21

I know that I have linked to a lot of books, I ordered many on my local library catalogue, any I found really useful I would buy. There were books that the library didn't have in, I bought them anyway (although my reading leaned towards the books written for parents of boys).

The national autistic society are fantastic, I recommend contacting them via their helpline. The author of the girl with the curly hair which I have linked above regularly runs workshops throughout the uk which are fantastic! The national autistic society are great for this too.

Hi OP

I just want to jump in and say that everything you have written about your DD was me when I was growing up. I had attachment issues with my mother and had CBT (not just for that, I had OCD and phobias as well).

I suppose I just want to let you know that I've grown up to be a well adjusted person, went to university, got a good jobs, have good friends etc. I am still extremely attached to my parents but it's not something that has hindered me greatly - all she needs is support and maybe some counselling/other treatment.

I hope this helps a bit!

Thank you Memem, that does help.

And thanks to everyone for the advice and links.

Not sure why I posted in AIBU really, I think it's been just my default place to post and I suppose I wondered if I was being U and this is all just normal. I've lost sight of ordinary behaviour with her really.

@memememem, it helps me too, that's great to know!

I think the naturists are missing the point, this isn't about just that. It's about a lack of social boundaries and if it's how you've been brought up.

OP's DD is interrupting her mum on the phone at the age of 13, that's the behaviour of a much younger child. My DD (8) does that, and she lacks social boundaries, which makes it hard for her to make friends.

She walks into the bathroom. And she hates have the door closed when she's in the bathroom, always opens the door and will stand in the door naked.

It's not about feeling comfortable naked.