DD's lack of boundaries.

[CredulousThickos]

DD is 13. She just does not seem to have any concept of boundaries or privacy.

Our current battle is that she walks around the house in bra and knickers. Every single time she appears, me or DH will tell her it's inappropriate and to go and put some clothes on. And then later on she'll walk in half naked again. It's like Groundhog Day.

She goes to the loo with the door wide open as well. She gives zero fucks, she doesn't care about her own privacy and she doesn't care that it's not pleasant for the other four people in the house.

On the other side of the coin, she thinks nothing of bursting into our bedroom, even in the middle of the night, and will just start talking to us even if we're asleep.

If I'm on the phone she talks to me, literally every time I take a call. I usually leave the room now but she'll follow me and keep chatting.

On the rare occasions I have a bath she will either talk to me through the door or bang on the door to get my attention.

I really thought she would get better at this as she got older, but if anything she's getting worse.

She also has no respect at all for other people's belongings, if she finds something she wants around the house she'll just take it, whether it's my expensive conditioner or someone else's chocolate.

I'm at a loss. We've tried cajoling, explaining, shouting, pleading. Nothing seems to get through to her.

She was assessed for ASD a few years ago and two of the doctors we saw both said she was on the spectrum but not enough for a formal diagnosis. So I don't know if this is all part of that. Regardless, it worries me. Especially as she gets older and it's all obviously much less socially acceptable. It's one thing having a toddler running around in her pants all day and quite another when it's an almost adult bodied teenager. Amd the same for the constant interrupting etc.

Any ideas or strategies? Or words of encouragement that she'll eventually grow out of it?

Everything seems to be down to ASD these days.

Sometimes it is just pricky behaviour testing the boundaries.

Your house, your rules.

Get locks on you bedroom. And I would be mad and bad and get a sliding lock outside of the bathroom too. She cannot get out of there without your permission!

She is just being a dick for now, but make the rules and stick to them.

And also have a rule that unless you are decent you don't enter the family spaces.

It is just a phase though. I hope it is just that for you. Set the boundaries and stick to it.

Look at the OP's name.

Sigh.

Who assessed her? Ed psych?

@doramaybe totally agree with you

LineysRun This is why troll hunting is against the rules; because people like you are like a dog with a bone. You've made your accusation, so leave it.

Interesting 🤔

WTF nuttynoos, really?
Way to go, make a child who potentially has ASD feel even worse about themselves?

Are Daily Mail readers really thick?

Good for her to have the body confidence to walk around like that and not care. Do you want her to grow up repressed? Good for her to want to communicate with you when things come into her head. Why is it a problem that she want to talk to you in the bath? I love it when my daughter comes to chat to me, wherever I am. The only things you should take issue with are the interrupting and the taking of stuff - these are basic manners and you should tackle these. The rest of the behaviour shows your daughter is happy at home and comfortable with you - great things in a teenager. Be grateful. Don't try and label her with some imaginary disorder.

Sorry but this is ringing alarm bells for me.

I have two with an ASD. My eldest - a girl- wasn't diagnosed until aged 11 as girls typically present differently. What I think you may be noticing is her peers will have begun to outgrow behaviours your DD is yet to grasp.

My second DC exhibits a lot of the behaviours you describe.

DS expects his needs to be met immediately. He thinks nothing of appropriating our/other siblings property, because of a lack of empathy with his 'victim'. DS wants it and, therefore, takes it.

He cannot wait for things and has no concept of time. If we cannot see to his needs immediately this causes frustration because he cannot tell whether he has been waiting a few minutes or an hour.

DS will be awake at all hours because the concept of day/night is irrelevant.

A diagnosis will help you to source appropriate support as she grows.

I'm not into labelling children but as the eldest has been groomed online I know from bitter experience how vulnerable these children can be. This was despite my DH checking her phone regularly and putting in as many safeguards as possible.

We thought we were on top of things, but because she is articulate and, like most girls with an ASD , a master at covering up her difficulties, we didn't understand just how easily she could be manipulated.

Aids such as social stories can help those that are on the spectrum grasp social etiquette. Also verbal and written reminders, contracts, etc. can be useful. Check out the National Autistic website for excellent information and support.

In addition, I found handling behaviours so much easier once I understood that my DC were not simply being disrespectful.

By all means reward compliancy but until you are sure that your DD isn't on the spectrum please don't punish her. I fear you will both end up frustrated and resentful.

WTAF?

OP hasn't just signed up under that username to post this!

People are really advocating locking the bathroom door from the outside?

As many of these 'disorders' (hate that word but have had wine and can't think of what else to call it) are very close and very similar, I'd maybe look into ADD as oppose to ASD. ADD can exhibit as poor impulse control, amongst other things.

It does sound like there is something going.

Everything seems to be down to ASD these days.

This sort of behaviour can be associated with ASD. The op has already been worried enough to have her assessed, and the doctors have noted autistic traits there.

Don't let that get in the way of a good snark though.

Mine have always wandered around happily in their underwear and still do - as do some of their friends. Can't see what the actual problem is if she's happy with it. Mine enter bathrooms etc for a chat. Middle of night chats might upset me more but most of it seems perfectly normal to me.

Mine have always wandered around happily in their underwear and still do - as do some of their friends. Can't see what the actual problem is if she's happy with it. Mine enter bathrooms etc for a chat.

And what about the other members of the family? What if they are not happy about it?

Hmm, a mixed bag of opinions then.

There is other stuff that leans towards ASD with her, not just the boundaries. She is very literal, often doesn't get humour, corrects people all the bloody time (this has been picked up at school, she does it to the teachers) etc.

I am an old timer and a regular, very much not a troll, I promise.

I really don't want her to feel body conscious, but I also have a teenage son, and our house has massive windows in every room. It's just not appropriate for her to stroll about in undies at all hours of the day. I mean, she came down for lunch like it earlier. Who does that?

I don't know if there's much to gain from a diagnosis at this point, we've been treating her as though she is on the spectrum for years now to manage her behaviour and quirks, but the boundaries thing has stumped me.

She sounds like my 8 year old DD1, who does have Attachment Disorder, she does the exact same things. I'm also starting to worry that she's not growing out of it. Especially the running round with next to nothing on, lack of boundaries, endless interrupting. And yes she does suffer a lack of social awareness as well.

DD1 also has real anger issues, which have become harder to handle now she's bigger.

Our DD doesn't behave like this at school or at friends' houses though. What about your DD? Does she behave the same way round other people? If not, it probably means that home is her safe place; that's what we've been told.

Yes, same. She's totally different at school etc. She is like this at my parents' as well, so I'm sure it is a 'safe space' thing.

She had a few months of counselling at school through Young Carers and her counsellor broached Attachment Disorder with me, it does ring a lot of bells.

God, I just feel like I'm completely failing her at the moment.

This does all sound very asd. I would ask for a new referral but be aware the wait for assessment is looong

Why is she a young carer? Just asking because if there is more autism in the family or other sister conditions that actually massively increases the chances this is asd

Young Carers is due to my MH (bipolar). they have been a godsend for her really. Not because she is actually a YC but because it's given her a thing that's just hers (DS1 isn't interested), youth club and trips and a support worker for a while.

Before I even got to the part about ASD that's what immediately jumped to mind. Possibly because my daughter has ASD though. I would definitely have her re-assessed.

Interestingly bipolar is one of the things women with autism often end up diagnosed with. When she was assessed before how old was she? As others have mentioned girls on the spectrum tend to get more obvious the older they are (I am finding this with my autistic daughter). Girls do also present differently to boys so it's not unusual for them to be missed when assessed younger. How is she with other spectrum traits? Does she do ok friendship wise, have repetitive behaviours and obsessions etc?

She was between eight and ten throughout the assessment process.

She's better with friendships now (I think she's learned how she should act around girls her own age) but was rubbish at them at primary, bless her. She would boss them around, speak to them like she was an adult and they were a child, be too clingy.

She has had varying tics for years, from ostentatious blinking to sniffing and gulping. She does have obsessions but it's hard to say whether they are just normal teenage obsessions, she'll spend hours making Musicly videos for eg, or write out pages and pages of song lyrics (I did that at her age too). And she is like a dog with a bone if you mis-speak, like if I say something's in the kitchen when I meant the bathroom she will go on and on 'well why did you say that if is not what you meant? Yes but you SAID the kitchen! You should have just said the bathroom....'

Lots of little things that do add up to a big picture. But nothing really obvious or concrete.