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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's lack of boundaries.

86 replies

CredulousThickos · 09/09/2017 21:34

DD is 13. She just does not seem to have any concept of boundaries or privacy.

Our current battle is that she walks around the house in bra and knickers. Every single time she appears, me or DH will tell her it's inappropriate and to go and put some clothes on. And then later on she'll walk in half naked again. It's like Groundhog Day.

She goes to the loo with the door wide open as well. She gives zero fucks, she doesn't care about her own privacy and she doesn't care that it's not pleasant for the other four people in the house.

On the other side of the coin, she thinks nothing of bursting into our bedroom, even in the middle of the night, and will just start talking to us even if we're asleep.

If I'm on the phone she talks to me, literally every time I take a call. I usually leave the room now but she'll follow me and keep chatting.

On the rare occasions I have a bath she will either talk to me through the door or bang on the door to get my attention.

I really thought she would get better at this as she got older, but if anything she's getting worse.

She also has no respect at all for other people's belongings, if she finds something she wants around the house she'll just take it, whether it's my expensive conditioner or someone else's chocolate.

I'm at a loss. We've tried cajoling, explaining, shouting, pleading. Nothing seems to get through to her.

She was assessed for ASD a few years ago and two of the doctors we saw both said she was on the spectrum but not enough for a formal diagnosis. So I don't know if this is all part of that. Regardless, it worries me. Especially as she gets older and it's all obviously much less socially acceptable. It's one thing having a toddler running around in her pants all day and quite another when it's an almost adult bodied teenager. Amd the same for the constant interrupting etc.

Any ideas or strategies? Or words of encouragement that she'll eventually grow out of it?

OP posts:
slothface · 10/09/2017 00:45

I don't see the issue with walking around in undies in your own home! I grew up in a household where it was normal to wee with the door open or chat to my mum while one of us was in the bath (still do sometimes when I visit and I'm 28!) or walk around half-dressed or even nude in the mornings while getting ready. The body isn't shameful, if you can't be comfortable with it in your own home then where can you be? I really struggle to understand why anyone gets offended by a naked or semi-naked body or feels violated by members of their family seeing them undressed in their own home. It's not rude or inherently sexual. Anyway..

If she's also behaving like this in school/public or places where it could make her vulnerable that's different. Does she understand that you have to modify your behaviour outside of your own home? The interrupting and lack of respect for other people's property would worry me far more than the being in underwear. Have you actually talked with her about any of this and pointed out why that isn't acceptable? Sounds like some support/therapy could be helpful for her

peachandplum · 10/09/2017 00:52

It's not appropriate to be walking around undressed, it's not socially acceptable and just because some families do it doesn't make it the norm.

I have/do undress in front of my mum/sister or pop to the loo for a wee when they are using the bath or vice Vera BECAUSE THEY ARE COMFORTABLE WITH IT.
your family are not comfortable with it, therefore she shouldn't do it.

It's not teaching her shame but it is teaching her boundaries. Her brothers must be mortified, it's not fair on them. You must consistently discipline her. It sounds like the whole house revolves around her.

reallyanotherone · 10/09/2017 00:52

Does she wear a bikini on the beach?

I honestly don't see why bra and pants is an issue if you and your son would have no problem seeing her in a bikini.

FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 10/09/2017 01:04

QuirkyDamsel - I'm with you.

Titsywoo · 10/09/2017 01:09

Lots of asd red flags there OP. Get her reassessed. Can you go private?

InsomniacAnonymous · 10/09/2017 01:11

"My DD is the same at 16, she'll walk in and try to chat to me whilst I'm weeing"

Lock the door! I have always done that automatically when I go to the loo or have a bath. Why don't you?

Runninglateeveryday · 10/09/2017 01:38

The upstairs bathroom has a broken lock that has been fixed umpteen times and lasts a day or two! Funnily enough when it's not faulty I lock the door, and hope shutting the door and shouting "don't come in" is a deterrent, but thanks for the advice

DisorderedAllsorts · 10/09/2017 02:43

Contact the girl with the curly hair project, it's an organisation specifically for girls & women with ASD & Aspergers. They have training workshops and resources for parents and professionals.

DisorderedAllsorts · 10/09/2017 02:43

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 10/09/2017 02:59

I'm 22, I walk around the house in my underwear, I pee with the door open ... sorry I'm not ashamed and don't see my body as abhorrent to my relatives

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 10/09/2017 03:00

And I remember when I was 11( until this pint I'd walk around fully naked) being told how inappropiate it was - and maybe it was- but I do not have ASD ... I was just comfortable

mytilini · 10/09/2017 03:03

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GreatFuckability · 10/09/2017 03:12

If she has already been assessed as being on the spectrum, then she needs help. girls with ASD very VERY often start to manifest with these kind of behaviours during puberty, we now know more and more about the differences with women and putting yourself in sexually vulnerable positions is very common for females with ASD.
My son with ASD thinks nothing of getting into my bed whenever he likes, in his underwear. hes 12. its because he has no concept of those boundaries.
Also, there is no such thing as mild asd in so much as some people may be higher functioning but that doesn't make them any 'less' autistic.
and please don't make fun of her, fucking hell.

AJPTaylor · 10/09/2017 06:31

Has she been tested for adhd? One of my dds was like this. She was diagnosed late teens.

toffee1000 · 10/09/2017 06:45

mytilini What the actual fuck?? How fucking disgusting of you.

Gooseberrytart4 · 10/09/2017 06:59

She sounds like she's got very high functioning autism. I'm sure you know that girls on the spectrum tend to mimic their environment so are often later being diagnosed.

mollymelon · 10/09/2017 07:12

There are some really grim suggestions on this thread Sad

mollymelon · 10/09/2017 07:12

I would post this in one of the parenting topics tbh.

TheLegendOfBeans · 10/09/2017 07:17

Ahhhhh, what a peach this thread is. OP posts as she's obviously concerned and steps onto the M25 of Saturday night trolls and smart arses with a couple of outraged naturists to boot.

I don't have experience of ASD etc but as a PP said it's what boundaries are the norm for your family...she's breaching them. So that's uncomfortable but not automatically cause for concern.

What is is that the behaviours are coupled with other behaviours and that it sounds to me (no expert) that she could do with being assessed again by the relevant parties.

It would be a shame not to just do this as a kind of due diligence to allow her to have the best chance of having her family, peers and society understanding her and vice versa.

mytilini · 10/09/2017 07:23

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Polliver · 10/09/2017 07:35

@mytilini nothing better to do, dear?

Cagliostro · 10/09/2017 07:36

Agree about getting referred again. Start building up evidence, literally every single thing you can think of that's 'not right', every time she does something inappropriate, no matter how tiny, write it down (not where she can see obviously).

My DD is definitely getting 'more autistic' as she gets older. Things that I think she should be growing out of, or learning, just go backwards. It's worse when under stress too, for example when going through some bullying she was taking everything more literally (particularly bad memories of a cafe sign that said "unattended children will be sold to the circus"...). With the extra stress on her, her coping mechanisms started failing.

It's beyond frustrating. It's especially common with girls though as they tend to mask everything and mimic others to fit in (this also explains why your DD's behaviour is different in school) and then as social pressure increases on them the mask slips.

I hope you can get some help as life for autistic teen girls can be so tough (I was one - diagnosed age 28) because you don't 'look autistic' and are just expected to cope as everyone else does. I'm sorry that you had the frustration of "not enough for a diagnosis" - it's a question of scoring points sadly. I was amazed that DD 'passed' the assessment recently age 10 but it took us a long time to get there (school were no help because, again, masking!). TBH there is bugger all help available here but it varies, and actually just having the diagnosis has been helpful for all of us as we can understand her behaviour more and adapt to it.

I would highly recommend the Tony Attwood guide to Asperger syndrome as even if it's not Aspergers type she has (my DD is definitely not Aspie) it has a lot of useful info and strategies. I read it mainly due to my own diagnosis and then realised I was basically reading about my daughter.

Cagliostro · 10/09/2017 07:47

And yes definitely ask for this thread to be moved. :)

Re: nothing being concrete - there isn't really anything like that with ASD. This is what people mean when they use the unbelievably annoying phrase "everyone is a little autistic". No, they aren't - but everyone could have a behaviour or two that is a marker for autism. A neurotypical person could have trouble with eye contact, or like things done a certain way, or be pedantic with grammar etc. But it's the bigger picture that matters, NT people will only have a couple of these (and often mildly enough for it not to impact life) but people with autism will have loads. It all adds up.

Once you've written loads down, go on the NAS website and look at the 'triad of impairment' (IIRC it also lists a few other key categories) then organise your list under the headings it provides. You might be surprised by how much there is under each and it is further evidence when you ask for referral.

Nikephorus · 10/09/2017 08:02

OP, I know you've told your DD it's inappropriate but have you actually explained why? It's easier to remember something (for me anyway & I'm autistic) if you can understand the logic behind it rather than "it just is" (IYSWIM)
Some people do think it's fine to leave the door open when they're on the toilet (I can't stand it personally) & likewise wandering round in their underwear (again, not me) but try explaining exactly why you don't like it in your house.
That aside, it does sound like she's definitely well & truly on the spectrum.

TeachesOfPeaches · 10/09/2017 08:15

My sister is the same OP and she is 24 now and hasn't grown out of it. Will walk around without even any knickers on