Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dc's dad not too feed them rubbish at the weekends?

107 replies

Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 14:46

Dc's (11 and 13) see there dad once a week on a Sunday for 5 hours. Their dad has a new partner, she doesn't drive so at the weekends she expects him to drive her around shopping etc.. so my dc's have to go along, they hate shopping so their dad buys them a McDonald's or fish and chips to shut them up (make the day more fun). Dc is starting to pile on the weight so I have cut out some of the rubbish from their diets, it's not easy as dc1 has a very limited diet. Their dad also takes them to buy sweets (big share bags of sweets). He never cooks for them unless it's a pizza he chucks in the oven, he just feeds them rubbish all day. Last Sunday they came home with doughnuts, sweets and they had been for a McDonald's.

I have sent him a message asking if he could cook them something tomorrow or provide them with something healthier than McDonald's. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 16:11

Thank you chicken, I won't stress too much about it, he has agreed not to get them junk food tomorrow which is a start. I know I can't stop him feeding them rubbish but it would help if he was in my side. He is one of those people that can eat what ever he likes without gaining weight (mainly because his job is very physical) but he doesn't seem to realise that it's not like that for everyone. Dd1 could end up in a wheelchair eventually, gaining weight could make that happen much sooner. She's not huge, I haven't weighed her because I don't want to upset her but she's growing out of clothes very quickly (not growing upwards but outwards). I know she's going to be bigger than me, she already has size D boobs and a size 12 waist.

OP posts:
Ilovetolurk · 09/09/2017 17:41

Hopefully he will try and improve things the text sounds positive OP

I ranted at my DH last night as I arrived home to find my DS 13 and his mate on the way out with £20 to buy some fish and chips for tea. He had mithered his dad as was hungry and DH couldn't be arsed to sort his food

Early teens need good nutrition to support their growth and there are enough times when they eat rubbish on the hoof without unnecessary times

Cailleach What a helpful contribution

KC225 · 09/09/2017 18:57

He does sound like a lazy arse and I imagine it must be frustrating. Can you talk to him or is he one of those that sees every suggestion as criticism or a call to battle.

The McDonald's is ok - not great but if we are choosing battles, can you say, I know you want to treat them can you get them a comic/magazine instead of doughnuts. Can you ask the girlfriend, instead of sweets from poundland can they have some stationery or craft stuff or nail varnish.

Can you have a chat with the girls about healthy choices. So they ask for fruit instead of doughnuts.

Have the girls asked to do something other than sit about, could he take them swimming or borrow a dog for a nice walk. The current situation does sound a bit miserable.

KC225 · 09/09/2017 18:58

Sorry posted the above after update

kmc1111 · 09/09/2017 19:28

I really think a lot of people here don't understand how calories work.

You can absolutely gain weight because you eat a bunch of junk over the span of a few hours each week. If you're otherwise on track to simply maintain your weight, and instead of eating a normal meal you eat a couple of thousand extra calories of McDonalds and doughnuts and chocolates and so on, you will gain weight. Your body doesn't care that you ate well the rest of week, it just knows you ate in excess of the calories you needed.

As an adult you can do that every so often and then make up for it by eating smaller or lighter meals than you'd normally have, but obviously most people don't want to restrict a young child's food like that, so the results of binges like this can be hard to deal with.

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/09/2017 19:33

Huge sympathies Op, it sounds like you are doing all the parenting here and that must be exhausting.
I think you can have a gentle world but ultimately you can't control what happens then.
Better to carry on educating your daughters about healthy eating so they can start to make healthy choices even when they are with him - mc Donald's does carrot sticks and water and fruit bags etc

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/09/2017 19:36

Re exercise - swimming or s
Aqua aerobics could be good choices for your daughter if she finds exercise painful?

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 21:35

Kmc I agree, if I feed them healthy food during the week and then he stuffs them full of rubbish for one day it is undoing everything I have been doing all week. I have agreed with my eldest daughter (youngest is too severely autistic to understand) that we can have a takeaway once a month as a treat. Neither of the dd's have enough understanding to chose heathy over unhealthy, I am battling with dd1 everyday about the choices she makes with food as she doesn't care if she's overweight or unhealthy, she says she doesn't care if she ends up in a wheelchair because of her bad legs, it's all a part of her Aspergers which makes any kind of change tricky.

Dd2 swims every week, dd1 refuses as she's petrified of water, she refuses to walk the dog with me as she finds it painful. It's really hard as physio had advised exercise to strengthen her muscles but she then complains and cries that her legs hurt, I am really struggling with her Sad.

OP posts:
NeonFlower · 09/09/2017 22:14

Well, as he is listening, I would keep it simple. Suggest 2-3 easy to cook meals, ask him to include something active in what they do together (even a dance game or something at home), and recommend if they are eating out he do small fast food meal OR donuts, not both, or even better, buy a sandwich. I guess if he has not been willing to learn about the ASC, he may be sticking to what he knows dds will eat.

Nuttynoo · 09/09/2017 22:44

You should focus on what they eat and how much they move during the week. Focus on you too. If you're not moving much and not watching what you eat you might have passed on your own habits to them.

Their treats with your ex can remain if you become a bit more sensible about food at home.

HeebieJeebies456 · 09/09/2017 23:25

OP - why do you think it's ok for your dc/teenagers to 'opt out' of taking part in 'family stuff' just because they 'don't like it'?

They are FAT and UNHEALTHY....going food shopping with their father is the best way to get them educated about healthy foods and eating.
They can meal plan, choose the foods AND help prep/cook the food.
They are old enough to start taking responsibility for their own food intake/exercise.

I wonder what YOUR attitude would have been had the dad been 'suggesting' that you feed them a better diet, or blamed you for their weight gain?

Dd1 says they don't have any fruit in the house
Did you tell her that she can always add some to the list when she goes food shopping with her dad instead of whingeing about it?
Did you remind her that it's HER responsibility what she chooses to put in her mouth? That nobody can force her to eat junk food if SHE doesn't want to?
Or that she's being a rude little madam and to take responsibility for her own diet instead of blaming others around her?

Exactly where are the dc taking ANY personal responsibility for their diets and eating/exercise habits?

CircleofWillis · 10/09/2017 08:44

@HeebieJeebies, I think you are being unfair on the OP and rude about the children. Also did you miss the fact that both her children have ASD? This is one part of your post I agree with however;
going food shopping with their father is the best way to get them educated about healthy foods and eating. They can meal plan, choose the foods AND help prep/cook the food
Teaching them about good food choices using social stories and videos could help. Also involving them in the shopping and meal planning when they are accepting a greater variety of food and textures can help them gain more understanding and feel more in control of what they are eating. I definitely recommend a gentle approach however so that the weight control isn't taken too literally and applied too rigourously.

An occasional treat is not terrible. It sounds as if your ex is amenable to implementing a healty eating plan. Your ex doesn't have to be the only one who treats them. As long as the overall calories are under their daily limit, treats can be part of that calorie allowance. (e.g. a pp explained that a happy meal is only 375 calories.)

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/09/2017 09:12

Heebiie my kids are no obese, my daughter is a size 12 and her sister a size 8, I feed them a balanced diet but dd chooses to have pizza at school (she has free school meals and chooses) because she has autism she finds it hard to link bad food to bad health so she can't make good choices.

Her dads partner is obese, when they go shopping they buy junk food (cake, biscuits, pizza, chips etc...) so he is not teaching them to make good choices.

As I stated before, my dd's are autistic, you obviously don't understand what that means? My youngest is almost non verbal and has poor cominication skills, if offered a doughnut she's not going to say 'no, I will have a apple instead' Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/09/2017 09:13

They don't prepare any food unless they do a roast and when they do cook a roast they do it after my dd's have gone home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/09/2017 09:15

Nutty I go to the gym every day, I'm a size 8/10 and I eat a balanced diet, I run, I walk and I swim every week but dd1 refuses to go. I can't force her, she's almost 14, she's petrified of water to the point she shakes with fear when we go to the pool. We try and walk on Saturdays but she moans (I do try to do fun things to make her exercise ), she has a condition that makes exercise very painful and if I push her too far she is unable to walk the next day.

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 10/09/2017 09:54

But your children are really young, have you ever checked their bmi? Size 12 is pretty massive at that age, or did you mean age 12 and age 8 clothes? In which case, that sounds pretty much normal.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/09/2017 09:57

Dd1 is almost 14 and a size 12, surely that not huge when she's over 5ft tall? Dd2 is 11 and 5"4, she's a size 6-8. D1 is only a 12 as she has large hips (her hips are a funny shape due to her having hypermobility). She carries more weight around her hips and bum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/09/2017 09:59

Dd2 is more active, she runs around a lot, she swims every week and will walk. She also has bad legs but has a high pain threshold, she rarely stops moving unlike her sister who would happily do nothing all day.

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 10/09/2017 10:02

I'd have been having an absolute fit about my child's weight a long long time ago at those clothes sizes, especially the older one, but I accept it's hard to say just by clothes size alone. And I suppose different shops do very different sizes. Do you know their bmi?

PaintingByNumbers · 10/09/2017 10:05

Anyway, sorry, I suppose thats not really helpful, I just wouldnt focus on the 5 hours a week caregivers role in this weight issue

user1487671808 · 10/09/2017 10:17

OP I just wanted to say that I think you sound like a lovely concerned parent who has a total knob for an ex.

It would probably be better for the girls to not see their dad for that whole 5 hrs a week if this is what he's doing but I totally understand that you need the break. Ffs kids with no SEN can be hard enough when you're a single parent but you have a lot to cope with.

Tinycitrus · 10/09/2017 10:46

Yes a weekend of junk food and snacks can cause a child to gain weight especially if they are sat in car and trailing round shops.

You need to be both on board with this. You need to talk to your ex. It's ok to have a mac Donald's but all the other crap must go.

HelloSquirrels · 10/09/2017 10:54

dads partner is obese, when they go shopping they buy junk food (cake, biscuits, pizza, chips etc...) so he is not teaching them to make good choices

You can't catch obesity op don't worry. Sounds like you've got more of a problem with his new partner than anything else tbh.

HelloSquirrels · 10/09/2017 10:55

especially if they are sat in car and trailing round shops

So you gain weight from walking around shops now? Better than sitting on your arse surely?