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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dc's dad not too feed them rubbish at the weekends?

107 replies

Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 14:46

Dc's (11 and 13) see there dad once a week on a Sunday for 5 hours. Their dad has a new partner, she doesn't drive so at the weekends she expects him to drive her around shopping etc.. so my dc's have to go along, they hate shopping so their dad buys them a McDonald's or fish and chips to shut them up (make the day more fun). Dc is starting to pile on the weight so I have cut out some of the rubbish from their diets, it's not easy as dc1 has a very limited diet. Their dad also takes them to buy sweets (big share bags of sweets). He never cooks for them unless it's a pizza he chucks in the oven, he just feeds them rubbish all day. Last Sunday they came home with doughnuts, sweets and they had been for a McDonald's.

I have sent him a message asking if he could cook them something tomorrow or provide them with something healthier than McDonald's. AIBU?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 09/09/2017 15:08

Pick your battles. Food isn't one of them!

You have to be totally totally indifferent to whatever he's doing because otherwise he will use it to control you. He isn't interested in supporting you, so the sooner you realise this and stop spending energy on trying to make him, the happier and freer you'll be.

They are coming into their teens - they will see through him soon enough. Your best move is to be patient and stop fighting him on anything (unless it's life or death). His lack of input will reap its own lack of reward.

MrsOverTheRoad · 09/09/2017 15:10

OP's getting a hard time.

Her ex is choosing to spend the ONE day a week he has his children on taking them shopping?

That's shit!

He should be doing fun stuff or just spending the day at home and enjoying the company...or shopping if the DC want to shop.

And letting them eat junk weekly isn't helping OP in her efforts either!

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 15:12

Have people not read what I have written? They are not overweight due to just one day of wee of eating crap, I have said that they were eating rubbish here too, I hold my hands up to that. Dd1 will only eat 4 things, one of those being chips, she has severe sensory issues with food, trying to change her diet is hard but I am trying, I just need him to help too.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2017 15:12

I think the food is of concern. Of greater concern is his selfish attitude. He sees them 5 hours a week and doesn't even have the decency to do something they want to do and drags them round with his new partner. Why can't he see her at other times?! I would be thinking about tackling this issue tbh. If she weren't around, they also wouldnt be eating McDonalds.

WeAllHaveWings · 09/09/2017 15:13

Are you dc aware of this healthy food drive and the reasons for it? Especially the 13 year old, who should be capable of saying no thank you to constant sweets. McDs once a week isn't the end of the world.

DamnFineCherryPie · 09/09/2017 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaintingByNumbers · 09/09/2017 15:15

All sounds very uptight attitudes to food - treats, healthy vs unhealthy etc. Not going to be helping.

BertieBotts · 09/09/2017 15:15

I am reading but it's irrelevant. You concentrate on DD's diet etc when she's with you. It would be nice to have his support but realistically with these kinds of men it just doesn't happen and isn't magically going to start happening, so best save your energy and stop worrying about what he's doing.

I'm not giving you a hard time, this is genuine advice.

ChickenBhuna · 09/09/2017 15:15

Does he scrutinise what you do with them/feed them?

paxillin · 09/09/2017 15:16

Agree with BertieBotts. Never even mention food to him or else he will give them junk to annoy you. 1 or 2 meals out of 21 per week won't make a difference to their weight.

FlyingGiraffeBox · 09/09/2017 15:16

The fact that it's for five hours a week is irrelevant. With any dietary change it's about consistency - especially if Dd has Aspergers. It can be pretty difficult to teach a child healthy eating habits if all she will say is 'but DAD lets me eat it!'

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 15:16

Thanks Bertie your right. Dd1 has started to not want to go over, he uses food as a bribe, if they were not getting the junk food they probably wouldn't be interested in going at all.

I have had to pull him up on a few things, at one point they were coming home stinking of smoke where he was taking them to a relatives house for the day in a room full of people that were smoking.

I know I'm lucky that he does see them but he doesn't really put any effort into it and puts his new partner before them (she chooses what they do).

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/09/2017 15:18

I don't see any drip feed, let alone a 'big' one.

Can people not read or is it simply a lack of basic comprehension skills? FFS.

LoveMusic. Of course it's not unreasonable to ask, but you might get a better response if you explain what changes you've made at home too & say how worried you are about the kids, or he might just think you're getting at him.

Do you look forward to the shirt break on Sundays or wouldn't you mind if they didn't go? If it was me I'd be happy for them nit to go so I'd give them the option if ringgimg him & telling them they don't want to go. It's bit g trailing around the shops. He & his NG have 6 days a week to ponce about at the shops, no need to be doing that for the 5 hours he has them. I don't think NR parents should JUST do fun things, but I also don't think they should JUST go to the shops either. It doesn't take much to knock up a meal that's better for the kids than McD's & the kids might enjoy helping. There's absolutely no need for all of the rest of the donuts & sweets etc every week, not in that quantity.

PaintingByNumbers · 09/09/2017 15:20

So does he want to see the kids (and thats why he bribes them with 'junk' to go) or does he not want to see them and uses 'junk' to pacify them? Would you rather the elder one didnt go, and cutting out 'treats' might achieve that?

DamnFineCherryPie · 09/09/2017 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaintingByNumbers · 09/09/2017 15:21

What happens at school btw to reinforce your changes? That must be hard as well.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2017 15:21

What is her not driving got to do with it! Seems like a dig at non drivers. I don't drive (failed 4 tests), but I cook lunch before we shop, so don't go to MacDonalds Hmm. One MacDonalds and a bag of sweets once a week is not going to harm them.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 15:21

chicken he doesn't care what I do with them or what I feed them, he doesn't even know what school dd2 goes too, I'm lucky if he remembers their birthdays.

He has messaged me back and has asked for suggestions on what to feed them, so far he's not being horrible about it. I know he's not good at cooking but I don't expect him to do anything fancy. I don't mind them having fish fingers (dd1 will still moan).
It's taken me months to get dd1 to even taste a jacket potato, that is how bad things are with her, she won't eat veg, won't eat anything in a sauce or gravy, won't eat meat, it's just a case of slowly trying to introduce new foods and refuse to give her the bad foods. She has been really good this week and tried a few new things.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 09/09/2017 15:22

Sadly I am not sure how much you can do.

I would however tell him what you are doing at home to address weight issues and ask if he can support you by doing his bit ( if he won't not a lot you can do but at least you tired)

Could DD go swimming for exercise?

As new partner can't think of anything worse than going shopping with 2 kids who don't want to..Doubt they hide it and your bloke..

troodiedoo · 09/09/2017 15:23

I don't understand why you're getting such a hard time OP. Of course it would be better if your ex saw the kids on his own and didn't feed them junk. But all you can do is ask and he's unlikely to agree.

So all you can do really is keep up the good work at your end.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/09/2017 15:23

Sorry about my typos & the iPad's stupidity.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/09/2017 15:23

"My dc's are fed up of being dragged around the shops every Sunday with his partner, he just feeds them the fast food to stop them complaining.

It's his choice to only see them for 5 hours, sometimes he calls me and asks to bring them home early because they are fed up. Yes, it's not just the food issue it's his lack of parenting."

Your children are 11 and 13, and it sounds as if they are getting very little from this parental contact. And the contact is meant to be for THEIR benefit, not the parent's.

At their ages, I'd be inclined to ask them if they wanted to spend their Sundays this way, and if they didn't, back them up on not going.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 15:24

Not a dig an non drivers at all, she doesn't drive because of health issues, he uses this an excuse that they have to go shopping in a Sunday, he could take her Saturday or after work (Tesco opens late/24 hour). Most Sundays they have to do the food shop and then she wants to look around Poundland (buys them sweets here) and then to McDonald's.

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 09/09/2017 15:24

You could send them with a packed lunch?