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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dc's dad not too feed them rubbish at the weekends?

107 replies

Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 14:46

Dc's (11 and 13) see there dad once a week on a Sunday for 5 hours. Their dad has a new partner, she doesn't drive so at the weekends she expects him to drive her around shopping etc.. so my dc's have to go along, they hate shopping so their dad buys them a McDonald's or fish and chips to shut them up (make the day more fun). Dc is starting to pile on the weight so I have cut out some of the rubbish from their diets, it's not easy as dc1 has a very limited diet. Their dad also takes them to buy sweets (big share bags of sweets). He never cooks for them unless it's a pizza he chucks in the oven, he just feeds them rubbish all day. Last Sunday they came home with doughnuts, sweets and they had been for a McDonald's.

I have sent him a message asking if he could cook them something tomorrow or provide them with something healthier than McDonald's. AIBU?

OP posts:
Slimthistime · 09/09/2017 15:24

OP "I know I'm lucky that he does see them"

I'm amazed by some of these replies.

of course it's not on that he does all the "treat" food. But also, you are not lucky that he sees them tbh. It might even be easier if he didn't and if they only go for the food then they don't enjoy the time either do they?

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 15:25

I do give them a choice but some Sundays I have to work. Dd1 sometimes stays at home, dd2 has autism and is unable to make a choice (she goes for the food).

OP posts:
FlyingGiraffeBox · 09/09/2017 15:27

Aero that's a weird thing to take away from the OP - the problem isn't that GF doesn't drive, it's that the Dad drives her around shopping during what should be quality time with his children (when presumably shopping could be done at other times/could be done online/newGF could use public transport or get a lift etc). They're bored so he feeds them junk to placate them. I don't think anyones been bashing GF for not driving Confused

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 15:29

Before he met his partner I was sending them with food as he couldn't cook, or I was cooking for them when they got home.

Both my dd's have ASD and that 5 hours on a Sunday is the only break I get, I work when they are at school and I have no childcare from anyone else, no respite.

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 09/09/2017 15:29

Those poor kids. Have you had a sit down calm conversation with him about what he does with them on a Sunday? It sounds absolutely miserable for them. Would he sit there and say that his girlfriend wants to go shopping at that time so they must all go? Would he not be totally embarrassed to say that? And why would she want to go with two kids when she could go just with her boyfriend? Doesn't make any sense at all.

Is he really thick? Because he sounds it.

megletthesecond · 09/09/2017 15:30

Yanbu.
Bit crap for the dc's to be dragged around shops on the one brief day they see their dad.

I don't like disney absent parents either by the way.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/09/2017 15:31

Well, it sounds like he's going to try anyway and he's not kicking off, so make some suggestions for 'at home' and some for 'out' and see how it goes tomorrow. I'd suggest things the DC like then they might not moan as much about not getting no McD's & then he's got no excuse not to do it.

You need him to have DD2, at least some Sundays, so I guess keeping the peace is important.

fastdaytears · 09/09/2017 15:33

Not sure that Subway or M&S type sandwiches actually come out much better than a McDs in calories or saturated fat do they?

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 15:33

sea I have tried to talk to him face to face but he gets angry and walks away. He has agreed by text to cook them something tomorrow which is a start. When it comes to raising kids he is a bit thick yes Smile which is why he no longer lives here.

OP posts:
CaliforniaHorcrux · 09/09/2017 15:33

DamnFineCherryPie is right it's not the RP's business which can be very frustrating but at the same time it's not the NRP's place to interfere when they're with the RP either, so works both ways and you wouldn't like it if he did

Shopping is probably boring for them for sure but at least they're not drug running which is what my ex had my son doing, so try to keep things in perspective as if you intentionally go looking for faults just because of any resentment to your ex you'll just get yourself more frustrated. Like you already said, they'll stop going if they don't like it

fastdaytears · 09/09/2017 15:34

I appreciate that wasn't really the point.

Glad that you've had a good response, hope it's followed up with some action.

Miserylovescompany2 · 09/09/2017 15:36

It might backfire - if the children are expecting to go to macdonalds & Poundland for sweets as this has been their routine - you might get the return of agitated/heightened children.

My advice, suggest to their dad that he changes things slowly.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2017 15:36

Oh ok, sorry. He seems too lazy to do anything with them, so saves the shopping so he has somewhere to take them. There are many shopping options, I shop online or get a cab.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 15:38

I have resent towards him or his partner (she seems lovely and we get on ok). I kicked him out two and a half years ago because he wasn't a good husband or father, he couldn't except that the dd's have autism, he also never joined in with any days out or activities, I went to all their hospital appointments by myself. I do all the parenting, he just haves them for a few hours a week to give me a break and so I can go to work. The dc's are not close to him and never have been Sad.

OP posts:
Slimthistime · 09/09/2017 15:39

OP so when you say it's the only respite you get, are you worried he will refuse to have them at all?

this is a very tough spot to be in. I suspect he does the shopping with them because he doesn't know what to do with them anyway?

I feel for you Flowers

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 15:41

slim I think if the dd's refused to go he would not try and persuade them. I work every other Sunday so the other Sundays are the only time I get to go and see friends or have some 'me time'. I don't get help from family or friends.

OP posts:
Cailleach666 · 09/09/2017 15:42

OP your ex has the right to feed his children as he sees fit.

It's not abuse, it's not neglect.

You chose this man to father your children.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 15:43

Summer holidays were hard. He had them for 2 extra days but only for 4 hours each time, once he took them shopping, theomither time was to visit their grandad (both whilst I was at work for a few hours).

OP posts:
WomblingThree · 09/09/2017 15:44

Tell them they can only have a Happy Meal or a wrap from McDonald's at lunchtime. Tell him you will feed them dinner when they get home. If he only has them for 5 hours, they don't need two meals in that space of time.

A hamburger happy meal with Diet Coke has 370 calories in contrast with a supermarket chicken salad sandwich which has around 445 calories, so it's a comparatively small treat in the great scale of things.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 15:44

Thanks cail that's very helpful Hmm

OP posts:
Danceswithwarthogs · 09/09/2017 15:44

Why is everyone being mean to the OP who is clearly trying her best to do her best for her children? A weekly treat of McDonald's with dad is neither here nor there... but they are both parents and invested in the health and welfare of the children, why should she have to be the nasty food police trying to teach good eating habits, just for him to undermine her and deliver them back completely hyped on sugar? Sounds like one of those times where they both need to cooperate for the greater good of the kids, whoever happens to be feeding them.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2017 15:46

Dd1 will only eat chips at McDonald's and a milkshake, dd2 has a happy meal. It's the fact he will then go and buy them a pack of 4 doughnuts (2 each) and 2 big bags of sweets each straight after.

OP posts:
T0dayT0day · 09/09/2017 15:49

It's the fathers time with the children, I don't think you have any say in what he does with them. Would you want someone commenting on the time you spend with them? So long as they are safe and cared for

Mummaofboys · 09/09/2017 15:56

Give them a big healthy breakfast on Sunday morning so they aren't hungry when they go to his house?

ChickenBhuna · 09/09/2017 16:01

Sorry OP , but I think you just need to let this go and try to enjoy your small break from caring for them. Worrying about a bit of junk food once a week will only cause you stress.

I know it's hard when you split from a man you know isn't an ideal father figure and you have to let your DC go to him for periods of time (I've been there and still worry even though my dc are bigger now and have no Sen) but you need a break and there's no way you'll truly enjoy your hours off if you let this grind you down.

I do like a pp's idea of packing them a box of healthy snacks though , maybe discuss with your DC what they would like and compromise with a balance of healthy treat foods.

Good luck OP and please make fun plans for you when your ex next has the kids.