Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has anyone else been 'shamed' for sharing parental leave?

90 replies

Whatsername17 · 08/09/2017 17:20

My baby is 8 months old and I returned to work two weeks ago. My husband finished work at the same time and will go back in 3 months, potentially part time. I've had several comments from other women stating that they 'do not know how I could have left my baby'. That they would 'never have let their husband take their leave' and even a few comments about how they couldn't have imagined putting a career before their child. The last one is the most upsetting because I really don't feel I'm doing that. My kids come first, always. But I have to work, I earn a good salary and I do love my job. I'm a teacher with HOY and HOD responsibilities but I get 13 weeks holiday to be with my kids. I work as much as i can from home in the evenings once they have gone to maximise our time together. We've had comments directed at my dh which have been irritating. I feel more upset about the inference that there is something 'wrong' with me going back to work. I'd never judge anyone for choosing to stay at home or go part time. But arguments like 'dd2 is with her dad and he is a great dad' just get met with 'a dad can't compare to a mum though. Even if they could, how do you bare being away from her?' I don't know what to say to that. I feel like crap. Sorry. Just a rant because it's too early to open wine.

OP posts:
Tastesjustlikecherrycola85 · 08/09/2017 17:27

Tell them to mind their own bloody business OP, yabu to suggest it's too early for wine though Wink

astoundedgoat · 08/09/2017 17:27

They're being ridiculous. You have a great arrangement that suits you as a family. My husband was a SAHD for two years and it was great. It's very frustrating that one the one hand we are fighting for equality, and the minute we try to TAKE it, we get bashed for being "bad mothers". Besides, it's not like you were teaching classes 3 weeks post-partum (the permitted "sick leave" in the US after giving birth).

Tastesjustlikecherrycola85 · 08/09/2017 17:28

I was back teaching after 4 months, people must have been frothing at the mouth Grin

Anatidae · 08/09/2017 17:31

Tell them to fuck the fuck off.

Youve got a husband who is actively engaged with his baby and forging a bond that will benefit you all for life.

I bet he does his share of the housework as well.

Absolutely fucking brilliant he's doing it. V common here in Sweden and no one bats an eyelid - actually a bit unusual for the bloke to not take a chunk of leave (usually once the baby is weaned partially but not always.)

This will only benefit you all.

Nuttynoo · 08/09/2017 17:31

women at my work go back within the minimum time. So yanbu. Just tell the other women to mind their own business.

JumpingJellybeanz · 08/09/2017 17:31

Tell them you bear being away from her by reminding yourself that rather than modelling outdated, sexist behaviour, you're setting her benchmark as 'equality' right from the start.

notanotherNC · 08/09/2017 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Acornacorn · 08/09/2017 17:33

We may do the same as you, OP, and have had one or two people make the same judgemental comments.
My rationale is that me and DH are a team and we operate best when we are equal partners. I want him to be an equal parent, so it would be hypocritical of me to say all the parental leave must be mine. If he wants to take some of it so he develops a better bond with our DS and develops into a more competent father, then he has my full support. Much better that than a dad who is scared or incapable to be left on his own with their DC.

Shoxfordian · 08/09/2017 17:34

Tell them to sod off

It's a totally valid choice and it's good that you're able to do this now.

Original poster
Whatsername17 · 08/09/2017 17:36

Thank you. Genuinely, I've usually got thicker skin but this got to me today. Made me start to question why I don't feel guilty. I really don't at all. But, she's with her dad. It has brought us closer because he has realised that it isnt easy to be the one at home. We always try to be a team but at the minute I feel especially like we are a team.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 08/09/2017 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreedomMummy · 08/09/2017 17:38

My DBrother and SIL have a similar arrangement. My DBrother works PT and my SIL works FT as a HOY/HOD in a school. It works for them and, like you, my SIL gets all the school holidays with the kids.
notanothrNC my SIL also still breastfeeds DD2. She has a feed first thing and last thing.
Each family works differently and there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to do family/parenting.
Sorry you get so harshly judged OP.

Gorgosparta · 08/09/2017 17:38

I have manage lots of women who hold that view.

However, parents (especially mothers) get judge regardless. I went back when ds was 6 months and worked fulltime. He was my second and i had loads of comments.

One women even said she worked evenings when her kids were young and thought that was the most a mother should do, so they can be at home. I pointed out that my dh worked evenings, so we had the same set up and dh was as much a parent as me.

Honestly, ignore or tell them to mind their own business. Some people love to judge others.

purple0912 · 08/09/2017 17:39

Ignore them! I shared 50/50 with my partner - we each only took 3 months as that's all we could afford to do and our employers agreed to and were lucky enough to have our parents to help after. My DP loved his 3 months and it made him appreciate what it's like to be home FT with DD. Not all happy outings and coffee mornings with other mums! More men should do it!

ilovesooty · 08/09/2017 17:40

notanotherNC I do hope your silent judgement is as well concealed as you think it is.

Allthebestnamesareused · 08/09/2017 17:40

Is this other teachers saying this to you? I hope they are not passing these archaic views on to girls that they teach!

WineAndTiramisu · 08/09/2017 17:40

They're probably just jealous that their OH won't do any of the baby care at all!

Original poster
Whatsername17 · 08/09/2017 17:41

Not another, I breastfed excludivrly for almost 5 months and continued mix feeding until she was 6 months. She's 8 months now, fully weaned and thriving. I know some people choose to bf past 6 months (which is great) but I didn't. The return of my periods whilst end affected the supply. She is not a tiny baby at 8 months. Little, but not tiny. I find your judgement of me incredibly upsetting. I live for my children, but so does my husband.

OP posts:
MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 08/09/2017 17:41

You are your dd's parent, your dh is your dd's parent. Both are perfectly capable of caring for their child (barring any random parent favouritism the child develops.)

Why is this an issue for people?

To be honest my dh probably does a better job than me!Grin

PricklyBall · 08/09/2017 17:41

They're tossers. Just smile sweetly and say how glad you are that your child will have two involved parents, not just one plus a Disney dad.

plantsitter · 08/09/2017 17:42

Who are these people? What a load of rubbish.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. In fact don't, because when it comes to child rearing people always seem to think what you do is what you think other people should do. Which it rarely is (except obviously in those ignorant moomoos you're talking about).

(SAHM here by the way - good luck with everything!)

Palegreenstars · 08/09/2017 17:42

I went back at 6 months (my husband only took the normal 2 weeks). It wasn't completely a financial decision for us as I love my job and missed it.

I used the feel then need to hide the defaced that I like balancing work and parenthood or apologise for it. Sometimes if I was having a tough work day I'd find it hard to moan without mum friends saying quit.

Whatever choice you make is right for you; whether you have options or not. The only people who need to be ok with it are you and you partner.

No option makes you a poor parent

PricklyBall · 08/09/2017 17:42

(I should add that the Disney dad comment is aimed specifically at those particular women who've tried to guilt-trip you, not couples in general who've chosen not to split their parental leave!)

DoubleHelix79 · 08/09/2017 17:43

We shared parental leave equally, so I'll be returning next week when my daughter is six months old.

I haven't heard anyone say anything negative. In fact both men and women said that they wished they could have done the same when their children were small.

And to be honest if anyone said to me what they said to you I'd just raise an eyebrow and point out that I had a very happy childhood with a mother who rose as high in her profession as possible. And that I'm sure my daughter my daughter would be quite alright.

I think some of these women need to validate their own (also perfectly fine) choices by questioning yours.

Just learn to think 'whatever' when somebody tries to do that. Very liberating.

mirime · 08/09/2017 17:43

@notanotherNC

Tbh I never could have left my tiny baby at that age. What about breastfeeding?

The baby is 8 months! I went back at 7 months, had to for financial reasons. DH took the rest of the paid leave and it was great for him and our DS to have that time together.

My DS was breastfed, I expressed in work.