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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Has anyone else been 'shamed' for sharing parental leave?

90 replies

Whatsername17 · 08/09/2017 17:20

My baby is 8 months old and I returned to work two weeks ago. My husband finished work at the same time and will go back in 3 months, potentially part time. I've had several comments from other women stating that they 'do not know how I could have left my baby'. That they would 'never have let their husband take their leave' and even a few comments about how they couldn't have imagined putting a career before their child. The last one is the most upsetting because I really don't feel I'm doing that. My kids come first, always. But I have to work, I earn a good salary and I do love my job. I'm a teacher with HOY and HOD responsibilities but I get 13 weeks holiday to be with my kids. I work as much as i can from home in the evenings once they have gone to maximise our time together. We've had comments directed at my dh which have been irritating. I feel more upset about the inference that there is something 'wrong' with me going back to work. I'd never judge anyone for choosing to stay at home or go part time. But arguments like 'dd2 is with her dad and he is a great dad' just get met with 'a dad can't compare to a mum though. Even if they could, how do you bare being away from her?' I don't know what to say to that. I feel like crap. Sorry. Just a rant because it's too early to open wine.

OP posts:

mctat · 08/09/2017 19:52

You absolutely can't win, OP, just a slight variance depending on the audience.

I've been a sahm since going on to ML, left my job due to the long commute, full on nature of it & having little support network, had a year at home with dd, and am now working part time out of the home at times she's asleep, until she starts preschool. I've also made a largely equal financial contribution over the years.

Had plenty of judgmental looks/comments/snipes about our arrangement too.

Pay no heed save to pull them up on being so horribly rude.

BendingSpoons · 08/09/2017 20:00

I shared parental leave (I had 9 months). The main reason was my husband WANTED to take the time. I would have liked to take it all myself but it was important to us that DH also had this opportunity. We are now both part time and people ask him about working from home or what he is doing on his days 'off'. Apparently it's enough for me to bring up a child but not for him. Sorry to hear you are getting negative comments, try to ignore them!

honeylulu · 08/09/2017 20:15

Yes we had all this! My H boss laughed in his face when be said he wanted to take what's leave because it was assumed he was joking. We did it even though both HR departments seemed to know far less about it than us.
Famtastic and wholly recommended. H enjoyed his time at home and is now fully aware of mental load and how tiring childcare is. We have a boy and a girl and I'm glad we've shown them childcare ams housework is a shared load not just women's work. I got back to work (solicitor) in time to avoid being bumped into the mummy track.
We got:
"Don't tell my husband - he's not getting any of MY leave" - more fool you dear.
"Don't you miss them?" - well yes but so does their other parent, their DAD you know!
"He will hate going to all the mums groups" - no they made a huge fuss of him and he loved it!
"How can you trust him to remember all the school stuff?" - er, same as I do. He'll soon learn when he needs to.
"What was the point in you having kids if you just go back to work?" - ODFOD

Louiselouie0890 · 08/09/2017 20:19

I went back after 5 weeks. It works for us and we just simply couldn't afford to stay at home this time round. There either with me or with there dad. Were both parents were both more than capable and both love them just the same I am no different to there dad. OH has people asking where I am he tells them I'm dead (kids aren't old enough to unserstand) they soon bugger off lol

Louiselouie0890 · 08/09/2017 20:24

Plus it breaks up my week I don't feel like I stare at four walls and jeeps my brain active and good mental health for my family. I am doing what's best for my family earning money and keeping my mental health in good shape.

AHobbyaweek · 08/09/2017 20:26

We shared leave and I went back after 3 months and DH is now a SAHP.
When I told people at work I would be coming back in three months I was met with shock and lots of "as soon as you have her you won't be able to come back".
I really resented the people that said that as they told me how I would feel.

Don't listen and actually it has worked out great for us but I always get told "it must be so hard to be away from work and worrying about DH coping" it pisses me off.

applecatchers36 · 08/09/2017 20:27

It's just shocking that such a normal concept as both patents sharing parental leave ruffles people's feathers. Can only see it as a totally positive thing. He gets to deepen his bond with your daughter. You have a far more equal relationship and understanding of the roles of SAHP versus Working parent. Think it's a fantastic thing to do for your family long term and think the outdated comments and judgements are positively 1950's

museumum · 08/09/2017 20:28

Who are these people and why are you spending time with them?

I missed the chance to share leave (2013 baby) but among people I know from baby groups there are a good few fathers who share childcare. I went back to work at 6mo as it allowed me to work very short days for a couple more years.

I think in the uk we fetishise the mother's first year with the baby to the detriment of better family life balance in the longer term. Shared parental leave ought to lead to better family balance.

LittleWitch · 08/09/2017 20:43

My sister was born at the end of April. Our mother went back to her full time teaching job after the Spring half term, worked that next half term to the summer holidays then went back in the September.

fiorentina · 08/09/2017 21:05

People can be so weird. I went back at 5 months and my DH was at home with the kids whilst he studied. Ignore them and both enjoy. Great for baby to spend so much time with both parents.

Bellabelloo · 08/09/2017 21:21

I think it's AWESOME when I meet dads at the baby groups who are sharing the leave. This is what we need to move towards for equality in all areas of life. Unfortunately my husband would only get statutory, but I make sure he does his fair share of the childcare in evenings and weekends. I'd love for him to know our baby as well as me and be able to enjoy watching him grow and learn and change.

dollybird · 08/09/2017 22:17

My DH is self employed so didn't get any paternity leave, but when I went back to work 3 days a week he stayed home with DS (and later DD too) one day a week and worked weekends and evenings, and DC went to nursery the other 2 days. Once DS started school he changed to doing the school runs on my work days. He cherishes the time he got to spend with them, and misses those days now DC are teenagers (although DS does go out to work with him now on the weekends and in the school holidays, and they have a fantastic relationship.

I always hate it when people say their dp is 'babysitting' or doing 'daddy day care'. No, they're just being a parent

corythatwas · 08/09/2017 22:26

A properly involved dad is a precious gift.

This 100 times

SaltySeaBird · 09/09/2017 19:45

Yes a little. I had three months and DH took 6 months following that.

There were a few people who were aghast and a few who muttered how on earth will he cope but on the whole everyone was supportive. I love my work, his company were better set up and offered better conditions for leave than mine which was statutory only. I continued to breastfeed exclusively throughout. No problem at all.

Parker231 · 09/09/2017 19:55

I think shared parental leave is a brilliant idea. Hopefully more parents will use it so that we move away from the idea that only mothers can care for their children and to avoid situations where the father has no idea about how to look after their own children.

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