Has anyone else been 'shamed' for sharing parental leave?

[Whatsername17]

My baby is 8 months old and I returned to work two weeks ago. My husband finished work at the same time and will go back in 3 months, potentially part time. I've had several comments from other women stating that they 'do not know how I could have left my baby'. That they would 'never have let their husband take their leave' and even a few comments about how they couldn't have imagined putting a career before their child. The last one is the most upsetting because I really don't feel I'm doing that. My kids come first, always. But I have to work, I earn a good salary and I do love my job. I'm a teacher with HOY and HOD responsibilities but I get 13 weeks holiday to be with my kids. I work as much as i can from home in the evenings once they have gone to maximise our time together. We've had comments directed at my dh which have been irritating. I feel more upset about the inference that there is something 'wrong' with me going back to work. I'd never judge anyone for choosing to stay at home or go part time. But arguments like 'dd2 is with her dad and he is a great dad' just get met with 'a dad can't compare to a mum though. Even if they could, how do you bare being away from her?' I don't know what to say to that. I feel like crap. Sorry. Just a rant because it's too early to open wine.

notanother formula feeding or expressing are perfectly valid choices. If OP wants to go back to work a little sooner and her DH wants to take some time to care for and bond with their child, more power to them. A baby really isn't that tiny at 8 months, by that point they're usually sitting, crawling, babbling, teething, weaning.

OP, do what works for your family and screw what anyone else says. If you and your DH are happy with the arrangement then that's all that matters.

Tastes I went back to teaching at 4 months as well. Full time as my request for part time got turned down. Nobody has said anything to me. But obviously they could be talking behind my back

Only posting to counter notanother

I went back to work 4 months after I gave birth to each of my 3 children. I am also a teacher, and I guess there are judgy people thinking lots of horrible things about me.

Two good things about being a teacher - I know kids. I see first hand that working mums do a great job. Their kids come to school ready to work just like the kids with stay home mums. They feel just as loved, just as treasured and their life works for them. So I don't worry about that. I also get all the hols and can do wonderful things with them.

I had weird people make those comments to me too. My eldest is 8 now and we have the greatest relationship - I stand by my decision.

Oh I really feel for you. They're being so damn rude!

Now I don't have any children so maybe my opinion is a bit naff but when I was pregnant it's definitely something I started to think about.

and even a few comments about how they couldn't have imagined putting a career before their child

Sorry I just needed to point this out because it's rattled me a bit. Please don't listen to this. What you have actually done is to put your family first by going back to work as that is what is better for you, personally or financially.

That's of course not to say that mothers/parents who take longer leave are ofc wrong (same as sahp). It's whatever works for you as a couple and a family.

'dd2 is with her dad and he is a great dad'

Every time you have a hard day remember this. I'm so glad that your children have a dad who is so active in their lives. They are your family. You two are the only parents DD2 has in the whole world. Everyone else can bugger off. Go and make it work and show them who's boss

Notanothernc, I went back after 4 months and didn't breastfeed. Call social services!

I was waiting for the mental people to start whinging on about breastfeeding and why bother having a baby.

What about America where you get six weeks maternity leave? Should they bother? Should they not all quit their jobs?

8 months old!! Not really tiny. How lucky to be able to build a brilliant relationship with both parents.
People at work should fuck off.
My DH has a day off a week with DD whilst I work (I have 2 and she is with a fab childminder for 2 days).
I love that she has a proper bond with both of us and I would defo share leave if I had another child (and would breast feed).
Well done you for making a good decision for your family

Oh OP, I'd get slightly fuming and telling them to fuck off.

Women really can't win.

I went 'back to work' when my dd was only 2 months. HOWEVER I'm self employed and work from home. Even so, when she was 8 months I found a lovely Childminder round the corner from me to take her 2 days a week so I could concentrate more.

The comments I got ranged from (when I was pregnant, from other people in my field) - "you're so naive if you think you'll be able to work"

"You won't want to work"

"I'm a SAHM because I've read soooo many articles about how childcare messes up your dcs mental health"

"I'm a SAHM and I'm so proud that I'm bringing up my child myself"

It's all bollocks.

My dcs are now 12 and 10. They're really proud of what I do. They're as sharp as buttons and completely 'normal'. Your dcs will get so much out of being with their Dad more. I honestly think people are jealous of your shared childcare responsibilities.

OP has to do what is right for her family. Ultimately every single one of us does what is right for our families.

I've not gone back to work after dc1 simply because I'd like dc2 sooner and I want to be at home with dc1.

OP is 8 months thats not a tiny baby.

You make the best decisions you can for your own family and ignore other people.

People often criticise you to validate their own decisions.

I was a SAHM for 5 years and then went back full time. I got incredible stick of one particular woman who accused me of putting my career before my children because I was full time.

She would never do that apparently.

What was particularly ironic was that she returned to work part time when her DC was 11 months old while I was a SAHM.

Her issue wasn't my working, her issue was doing something differently than her.

Her issue not mine, I gave it the headspace it deserved.

Ignore them.

I went back to work when ds2 was only 3 months, and like a pp I didn't breastfeed. I only worked part time but returning to work saved me from worsening PND and ds2 was happy enough in the care of his dad. YOu can't win really, I used to get comments about being a part timer because I worked 20 hours a week but I had no childcare and used to do,opposite shifts to dh. It was shit.

My dses are 14 and 13 now and amazingly well adjusted.

I went back at 8 months and my husband is a SAHD. I carried on BFing both of them til they were over 2, so there you go. It was possible to both work and BF. Their Dad loves them and enjoys spending time with them just as much as I do. in an ideal world, neither of us would work.

Yes!

I went back to work after three months as we earned the same while both in full time employment, but my husband had his own business on the side which he was able to expand to enable him to be permanently home based and look after our child. Financially it made sense for me to work full time and him to work part time at home.

All people said to me was "I couldn't do that!" "How can you possibly leave your baby?!" "You should quit to be with your baby!"

At the time it made me feel like an awful mum, but now I'm proud that I'm a full time working mum, studying for a degree with a 16 month old at home (humble brag!)

Fuck everyone else. Do what you need to.

You should tell those women to fuck off. I went back to work (a teacher too) when my first baby was 11 weeks old and when my second was 9 week old. It was absolutely fine. It's so rude to suggest that a dad couldn't look after a baby as well as a woman!

I am a SAHM because of finances. I've also been a mum who went out to work.
Trust me, nothing mother's do draws anything but criticism. Particularly from "peers" colleagues, other mums are generally the worst. But family do it too.
At the moment I am dented by a vague friend having taken a dig at my social isolation and that I should improve myself for the benefit of my children. I try. I do. I am quite ill. But it's none of her goddamed business. It gets to me sometimes.
Mainly though i've had to thicken my hide. Noone likes mothers much it would seem.

Notanother, why would leaving a baby to be looked after by her father for 38 weeks of the year indicate that the mother doesn't care? It's a total nonsense. And 8 months isn't tiny.

Also, it's definitely not too early for wine!

YES! I went back to work when my DChild was 18 weeks old so I could go to university. DP took 16 weeks leave. Even now I get mummy war shamed for working full time. It doesn't stop I'm afraid x

8 months certainly isn't a tiny baby but even if it was 5 or 6 months the baby's father is now off work for three months to care for her! Seriously what the hell is wrong with people? Are they assuming her dad is incapable of meeting her needs? Can only women spend all week at home with small children?

I couldn't just bite my tongue listening to those comments from (presumably) colleagues or friends. I'm guessing most if not all are women. Women who probably say they want equality but instead carry on pushing this idea that a mother must be the primary carer. It's so annoying that people are spouting this kind of crap still.

Ignore completely. One potential motive - jealousy.

I went back 2 months ago FT. My DD2 was 8 months old, my DH has 2 months off.

The reactions at my work from men is pretty much unanimous - they would love it and either wish it was possible when their DC were small, or they plan to do it if they have DC

Agree cantsleep - it's the "my DH is so useless he can't possibly babysit his own children"

I just don't get it

OP, why don't you just tell those rude people the truth? "I'm striking a blow for equality and progress, and setting a good example for my children."

I became a SAHM, not by choice -- not only is it very boring, though I adore my DC, it also makes me feel I have let down our entire sex.

We're also doing shared parental leave op. I'll be going back to work when ds3 is 6 months and then dh is having the last 6 months off.

I must admit, whilst I've had no outright negative comments, I've definitely had some weird looks when people ask and I say dh will be taking half of the leave.

It's kind of really bright and breezy and wide eyed 'oh wow really? I didn't know you could do that, that sounds great!' . But their expression is kind of 'how weird, giving away half her leave, she's really odd'

I think SPL is woefully under-advertised tbh, there are so many people who have never even heared of it.

I think these days there are quite a lot of men who would love to do this. To be honest I suspect that in this particular area womens attitudes need to shift as much or more than the men's.