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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has anyone else been 'shamed' for sharing parental leave?

90 replies

Whatsername17 · 08/09/2017 17:20

My baby is 8 months old and I returned to work two weeks ago. My husband finished work at the same time and will go back in 3 months, potentially part time. I've had several comments from other women stating that they 'do not know how I could have left my baby'. That they would 'never have let their husband take their leave' and even a few comments about how they couldn't have imagined putting a career before their child. The last one is the most upsetting because I really don't feel I'm doing that. My kids come first, always. But I have to work, I earn a good salary and I do love my job. I'm a teacher with HOY and HOD responsibilities but I get 13 weeks holiday to be with my kids. I work as much as i can from home in the evenings once they have gone to maximise our time together. We've had comments directed at my dh which have been irritating. I feel more upset about the inference that there is something 'wrong' with me going back to work. I'd never judge anyone for choosing to stay at home or go part time. But arguments like 'dd2 is with her dad and he is a great dad' just get met with 'a dad can't compare to a mum though. Even if they could, how do you bare being away from her?' I don't know what to say to that. I feel like crap. Sorry. Just a rant because it's too early to open wine.

OP posts:
Somerville · 08/09/2017 18:22

Such a shame when other people respond to hearing about shared parental leave, and placing equal importance on both parents' careers, with scorn. We've encountered it a bit too - we're both self employed and plan to each drop some hours and responsibilities and share the care for our child. We might still need a day or two of nursery, but if we could do it like you, through shared parental leave, we'd jump at the chance.
Ignore them!

AlphaStation · 08/09/2017 18:23

You're a modern mum doing the right thing. Don't worry if others are being old-fashioned. Where I live (abroad) it's generally the case that both mum and dad share being home with the child, often 50/50. At one workplace the CEO held a speech to all staff praising the dads that chose to take time off (generally a few months).

stumblymonkeyagain · 08/09/2017 18:23

I'll be going back after six months and DP will be the SAHP.

I'm the main breadwinner so it's kind of pretty important that I keep us all from being homeless!

And the 'can't trust DH to look after them' thing drives me up the wall. Tell them that thankfully you married a proper grown man and not whatever manchild they've sadly settled for.

JigglyTuff · 08/09/2017 18:25

ML is often only 3 months in the US. Perhaps @notanotherNC would like to go over there and tell them they're all unfit mothers? Hmm

OP - ignore them. They're twats.

OuaisMaisBon · 08/09/2017 18:28

I don't normally swear, even have difficulty on the sweary threads, but all I have to say, OP, is: "Fuck 'em all". Idiots.

Original poster
Whatsername17 · 08/09/2017 18:30

It is always women and that is what upsets me. It doesn't help that a colleague had a first baby at a similar time and is really struggling after returning part time. She wants to be a sham and can't afford it. I feel so sorry for her and have been looking after her a bit. People seem to assume we feel the same way, then react negatively when I explain I'm fine, just trying to support my colleague. She's in my team and we work closely. I'm not commiserating with her, I'm just being kind.

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 08/09/2017 18:31

Somerville be prepared to hear all about how lucky you are for the rest of your flipping life Angry.

Dh and I both work full time but he's self employed and while I have some flexibility around start and finish times, obviously being his own boss he can be more flexible. I am SICK of hearing about how wonderful he is, aren't I lucky, how I just don't know I'm born! All because DH is shock, horror, involved in the actual day to day practicalities of raising children. It's infuriating and it's always from other women.

Original poster
Whatsername17 · 08/09/2017 18:35

I've had people suggest I'm emasculating dh too. Or that he is lazy. I'm opening the wine as soon as dd2 is down!

OP posts:
PuckeredAhole · 08/09/2017 18:37

notanothernc I would bet big money that you are a stay at home mother who is either funded by the state or has a rich husband. Either way, you can't judge people who want to have children but need to work to have them. If you are in the former camp, then these women's taxes are funding your perpetual holiday. I wouldn't slag them off if I were you.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 08/09/2017 18:38

They're probably jealous that you don't have one of those feckless husbands we hear about so often on MN - the ones who "can't" look after their own kids. Remember that when they start criticising!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 08/09/2017 18:41

Oh of course whatsername its emasculating for a man to take care of his child and unnatural for a woman not to Hmm. Seriously though, next time someone comes out with this shite cut them off at the knees. IMO this is not one of those times for smile and ignore, if anything that probably only confirms to these hard of thinking types that you're not entirely happy with your situation.

Terrifiedandregretful · 08/09/2017 18:44

I'm a teacher too and someone commented regarding another teacher who went back after 6 months that they wondered why she'd bothered having a child if she went back so soon. I absorbed this and ended up taking 10 months despite the fact I was getting increasingly depressed at home and was struggling both mentally and financially in order to look like a 'good mum'. I would have loved to share parental leave with DP. Ignore the judgers and be proud of your choices. A properly involved dad is a precious gift.

bimbobaggins · 08/09/2017 18:45

15 years ago maternity leave was only 3 months. It was increased to 6 months when I was pregnant. I know it's easier said than done but try not to let what these others are saying bother you. Don't bother explaining yourself or your reasons etc just tell them it's none of their business. They will soon tire if they don't get a reaction from you.

plantsitter · 08/09/2017 18:45

Living up to your username there puckeredahole

Anatidae · 08/09/2017 18:47

Tbh I never could have left my tiny baby at that age. What about breastfeeding?

The child is eight months old. Rather unlikely to be starving if mum is at work.

I'm surprised by your attitude. In the Nordic countries it's the norm to do what op is doing. I was quite unusual in taking the bulk of our leave. Parenting here is seen as an equal task.

eurochick · 08/09/2017 18:49

I do hope these twats are not teachers. I don't want someone who holds such archaic views teaching my child.

(We used shared parental leave too, OP. It's fab. My husband has a great bond with our daughter and is very much a 50% parent. It has worked very well for our family.)

Riversleep · 08/09/2017 18:53

I think they've done you a favour. If they hadn't revealed themselves to be so idiotic, you wouldn't know to avoid them.

Mammylamb · 08/09/2017 18:54

My husband took over parental leave when our son was 9 months old. It was great as they have forged a real bond and he is also very much an equal partner in looking after our son and housework. Ignore these idiots. I think they're jealous

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 08/09/2017 18:55

notanotherNC

I would definitely silently judge a mother ...
I wouldn't be rude enough to say it to your face though.

Oh well in that case!

MsAwesomeDragon · 08/09/2017 18:56

I went back to full time teaching when dd2 was 6 months, mainly because we needed the money to pay the mortgage, etc, but also because I was concerned about my classes being left without a teacher as they couldn't find anyone to cover my mat leave for more than 6 months. Nobody was ever rude enough to tell me they were judging that, although I assume some were. I WISH dh could have taken the shared parental leave, but dd was born before it became a right, and his job weren't prepared to keep his job open for months. So dd went to a childminder from 6 months, which was fine and she's now a very happy, healthy, emotionally secure 7yo.

Ignore the judgemental idiots. Everybody makes the decisions that work for their own families, and what works best for yours is sharing the parental leave.

cometogether · 08/09/2017 18:58

We will be taking six months each, and can't understand why you wouldn't - what's the downside?!

I secretly suspect that anyone who says things like 'how could you leave your baby' or 'I couldn't put my career above my family' is primarily insecure about their own situation, and they need to put someone else down to feel better about themselves.

BakedBeans47 · 08/09/2017 18:59

Ignore the spiteful bitches.

Plenty of women have no choice but to return to work. Spending time with your baby is all very well but it doesn't put food o the table. And in your situ baby and daddy get to spend some time together sounds like a win win situation to me :)

BakedBeans47 · 08/09/2017 19:00

And re 8 months being a "tiny baby" it's not that long since mums only got 6 months paid leave and often had to go back to work when the pay ran out.

KoolKoala07 · 08/09/2017 19:03

Goodness I'm going to be an awful mother then as I have no choice but to return to work with a 3 month old.
Seriously some people should just butt out of others business.

Babbitywabbit · 08/09/2017 19:13

I Went back to work when dd was 3 months old. Fortunately I chose to partner a man who sees us as equals and was always quite comfortable looking after the kids, cooking dinner, cleaning the toilet or earning in an interesting career. As I was too.

If shared parental leave had been around we'd have jumped at it. As it was, at least my kids have grown up seeing it as totally normal to have two parents who can turn their hands to most things, whether it's chairing a meeting or changing a nappy. And it's lovely that they've always been equally close to both of us

I suspect the people making comments are just envious.