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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the other mum disapproves of me for some reason?

92 replies

frustratedmumofboy · 07/09/2017 10:53

To be honest, I think she must, I don't know why (and don't care much tbh) but it's really frustrating me because my DC and hers have been best school friends for years (Y4 now, friends since reception), and she acts really wierdly if I ever suggest the two of them do anything outside of school. We met a couple of times at soft play when they were in Y1, and my DC went for a play date at their house once, but she has always refused when I offer to reciprocate. I have suggesting meeting a neutral places (park etc.) - she says yes, then changes her mine at the last minute! So I stopped asking for a couple of years. At the beginning of the summer this year, I suggested an outdoor activity might be nice for our DCs, she promised to get back to me then didn't! Her DC has been to all of the birthday parties of mine so far, but this year, she is refusing to reply to the invitation! Well, she replied that she would 'let me know' and hasn't. My DC really wants the best friend at his birthday, and we've limited numbers to six this year (quite expensive day out venue), but we could ask someone else, if best friend can't come. We are 'friends' on Facebook, but I stopped seeing her posts as the beginning of summer, so I think I've been blocked or something - fine by me, I really wish I could just completely forget about this person - it's just sad that she can't just tolerate me for the children's friendship. I just have to manage my child's disappointment (again) I suppose . I don't understand what is so bad about me that she wants to discourage the friendship?

OP posts:

EamonnWright · 07/09/2017 10:54

Ask her outright.

MrsJayy · 07/09/2017 10:59

She maybe hates all the playdate nonsense some parents hate it don't see a need for it and avoid it and just let their kids be friends at school,invite your sons friend to his birthday and try and accept this woman just isn't that interested in being your friend she has made it quite clear I think.

MrsJayy · 07/09/2017 11:00

There is nothing wrong with you but your sons can be friends without mums being friends

Original poster

frustratedmumofboy · 07/09/2017 11:08

I don't want to be her friend. I would just like our children to meet outside school occasionally. My child doesn't have siblings and does have other friends. He pesters me to invite this particular one though, because they are very close. I did give up for years, but am frustrated at the arsiness about the birthday invitation. Why can't she just reply, yes or no ffs!

OP posts:

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 07/09/2017 11:09

To be fair MrsJay it doesn't sound like Op is trying to push a friendship between the parents.

Op I think I'd probably tell DS that we need to know by X date so can he ask his friend to have an answer by then. I'd stop suggesting meet ups for the DC at this stage, for whatever reason she doesn't want to so I'd just leave it at that and let them be friends in school.

BabsGanoush · 07/09/2017 11:10

Text

"I'm just texting to say that as you haven't responded to our invite we have invited Billy instead. I am trying to encourage Tommy to make other friendships beyond school, which you don't like doing, so I want you to know it is nothing personal"

should sum it up.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 07/09/2017 11:11

I don't think an arsey text will improve the situation tbh...

sparklediamonds · 07/09/2017 11:12

She sounds like a very peculiar person and I doubt it has anything to do with you.

I would be harsh and invite someone else and then feign surprise and say "sorry, I assumed Tom wasn't coming because no one got back to me."

MrsJayy · 07/09/2017 11:14

I didn't mean to imply the op was pushing it sorry what I really meant is other parents can be weird and we need to accept that and try other ways of dealing with childrens friendship I think you should drop the breezy and ask outright if he is coming to the party

coddiwomple · 07/09/2017 11:16

She is odd and very rude.

It's perfectly fine for her not to become too friendly with you, but not replying to an invitation is unacceptable, and rude.

Are you also trying a bit too hard? Inviting to activities, soft plays, parks. It sounds like you should back down a bit, she might feel that you are a bit too much in her private space.
No excuse for not replying to an invitation. It could be that she is worrying that you would keep pushing and pestering her if she replies no, so she is just delaying . Still not the right thing to do though.

sparklediamonds · 07/09/2017 11:16

try and accept this woman just isn't that interested in being your friend she has made it quite clear I think ...There is nothing wrong with you but your sons can be friends without mums being friends

What did you mean then?

coddiwomple · 07/09/2017 11:19

I am trying to encourage Tommy to make other friendships beyond school, which you don't like doing, so I want you to know it is nothing personal"

Are you 12?

Original poster

frustratedmumofboy · 07/09/2017 11:20

I texted this morning (party is this Saturday) - along the lines of 'just wondering if you've made a decision'? No reply
The woman does seem incredibly anxious to be honest. I might feel sorry for her if I wasn't so frustrated with the practicalities. Plus, does being anxious give you carte blanche to be rude?

OP posts:

iamUberA · 07/09/2017 11:21

I'd say if I havent heard back by 6pm today then I will assume it's a no and will invite someone else

coddiwomple · 07/09/2017 11:23

I'd say that you can only have 6 guests, your DH would love to have best friend there but if not possible, to please let you by tomorrow so you can invite their cousin instead

or something like that. No need to be dramatic and childish about it!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 07/09/2017 11:24

Well if the party is this Saturday I'd give it til end of school today and then ask DS who else he wants to invite, that's cutting it fine!

Mind you frustrated you'd best prepare yourself to feature as the villain in an AIBU re "two tier friendships" from the parent of the child only asked the day before !

chloesmumtoo · 07/09/2017 11:24

I would consider many things. You mention your ds has no siblings but does she have more dc's and finding it too hard juggle everything with regards to playdates. Not everyone finds the time. Does she have transport? She may even be suffering from anxiety and find social interaction difficult. There is lots of differing aspects and it may not be personal to you. Don't overthink it. But she should let you know about the invite, thats not fair.

Original poster

frustratedmumofboy · 07/09/2017 11:25

I wouldn't keep pushing and pestering if she replied no. I would be happy to have had a proper response! Two other friends I invited. Immediate replies from the mothers one 'Yes great', other 'No sorry, X isn't confident at [birthdy activity], does your DC want to come to tea one day' -Fine, Wonderful! This particular mother makes me feel pushy, but I don't think I am really, I would just like a response is all

OP posts:

Leilaniii · 07/09/2017 11:25

I am like this woman. I just don't have time for playdates and trips to the park. I bloody hate parks, in fact. Kids spend all day together at school, the evenings and weekends are for homework, extra-curricular activities, family time, etc. Also my DC will never go to a sleepover, nor will we host one. They always end in tears and very often a thread on Mumsnet.

Not criticising you, just wondering if she holds the same views as me?

PS: She is a bit rude for not replying to the party invitation, though. I would tell her you need to know by X date, then if you don't hear anything, invite someone else.

SandysMam · 07/09/2017 11:26

I do agree OP but you can't write the script for people. You have no idea what is going on with her behind closed doors, you could be the least of her worries. Explain to your DS that this friend is his best school friend but he may not see him outside of school. Accept and move on, anything else is a bonus. As for the party, reserve a place if you think he may come and if he really is that special to DS, if not, ask her one last time to conform and if she still doesn't, invite someone else.

withlotsoflove · 07/09/2017 11:27

This Mum sounds unusual. Regardless of anything to with your children ( unfortunately)
I have a feeling she really isn't interested in aiding your son's friendship with hers.
Good news is: eventually she will have no input whatsoever. Hopefully ( in years to come) your children will become friends/ get together in spite of her idiosyncrasies.

Yokohamajojo · 07/09/2017 11:28

Sounds really frustrating and yes I would send another text or actually call her to get an answer, it's really very rude not to reply when she knows it's a small party!

centreyourself · 07/09/2017 11:28

I was wondering about either
a) extreme anxiety or
b) better offeritis - that is, one of those people who are constantly on the lookout for the most glamorous/rich/famous parent to be friends with, in the hope that in somehow rubs off on them though how the fuck they expect that to happen is anybody's guess

Original poster

frustratedmumofboy · 07/09/2017 11:28

Yes CantSleep am aware that it looks a bit shit inviting the 2nd tier friend the day before, that's why I was hoping for a quick response. She only has the one child, but I would be very unsprised if she has problems with anxiety.

OP posts:

centreyourself · 07/09/2017 11:28

Not that I'm saying you're not one of the above three OP

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