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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the other mum disapproves of me for some reason?

92 replies

frustratedmumofboy · 07/09/2017 10:53

To be honest, I think she must, I don't know why (and don't care much tbh) but it's really frustrating me because my DC and hers have been best school friends for years (Y4 now, friends since reception), and she acts really wierdly if I ever suggest the two of them do anything outside of school. We met a couple of times at soft play when they were in Y1, and my DC went for a play date at their house once, but she has always refused when I offer to reciprocate. I have suggesting meeting a neutral places (park etc.) - she says yes, then changes her mine at the last minute! So I stopped asking for a couple of years. At the beginning of the summer this year, I suggested an outdoor activity might be nice for our DCs, she promised to get back to me then didn't! Her DC has been to all of the birthday parties of mine so far, but this year, she is refusing to reply to the invitation! Well, she replied that she would 'let me know' and hasn't. My DC really wants the best friend at his birthday, and we've limited numbers to six this year (quite expensive day out venue), but we could ask someone else, if best friend can't come. We are 'friends' on Facebook, but I stopped seeing her posts as the beginning of summer, so I think I've been blocked or something - fine by me, I really wish I could just completely forget about this person - it's just sad that she can't just tolerate me for the children's friendship. I just have to manage my child's disappointment (again) I suppose . I don't understand what is so bad about me that she wants to discourage the friendship?

OP posts:

Thatsnotapotato · 07/09/2017 11:29

leilaniii your DC will never go to a sleepover? They 'always' end in tears?

What?

Leilaniii · 07/09/2017 11:30

Thatsnotapotato, you obviously have not spent enough time on Mumsnet .

Thatsnotapotato · 07/09/2017 11:31

Leilaniii clearly!

Leilaniii · 07/09/2017 11:34

We are long overdue another 'Sleepovers from Hell' thread.

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo · 07/09/2017 11:35

Is she friendly with any other mums at school? Could you have a quiet word to find out if she's said anything to them? I know of a mum who dodged playdates with her son's best friend because she thought the boy was badly behaved and a poor influence (when actually it was the reverse). Not saying that's the case with your son, but if you're really fussed about getting to the bottom of what's wrong it might be worth asking around. Personally I wouldn't bother though - I would accept the boys are friends during school time but have playdates with other kids outside of it.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/09/2017 11:35

I know a mum like this, but our kids are younger than you're. I just deleted her on Facebook, and glad my son is not in her son class this year. I figured, our boys can see each other at school.

Jaxhog · 07/09/2017 11:39

Op I think I'd tell DS that we need to know by X date so can he ask his friend to have an answer by then. I'd stop suggesting meet ups for the DC at this stage, for whatever reason she doesn't want to so I'd just leave it at that and let them be friends in school.
This

EveningShadows · 07/09/2017 11:40

Leilanni, you need to not worry so much about what you read on MN - my boys have had dozens of sleepovers in the last four years, they both love them and not one has ended in tears.

Jaxhog · 07/09/2017 11:40

Maybe she just doesn't like you. I don't like everyone.

Leilaniii · 07/09/2017 11:43

Your kids are obviously better behaved than mine, EveningShadows .

WhyOhWine · 07/09/2017 11:51

At that age, i think my DD would have been pestering the friend directly. When we had late party replies she always knew herself whether the friend was coming or not because they would discuss it at school. the eventual reply from the parent always reflected what DD had told me several days earlier!

None of my DC have ever been to or had a sleepover than ended in tears, and they have been to lots! i think it is a bit sad for DC to miss out on them assuming the child is keen and it just the parent who is resitant (although I do agree that some people start them before the child is really ready for them). DD2 has a friend who does not like them so does not have them and rarely attends, but that is her choice.

Liiinoo · 07/09/2017 11:56

On the original topic of the mum, if someone is acting in an odd way it is because they are odd. It isn't necessarily about anything the OP may or may not be. I find it interesting you have concluded that the mum disapproves of you. Is there a reason for that or is your default assumption that people are going to disapprove of you?

On the subject of sleepovers my DCs loved the idea of them but they were never as good as their expectations. If I had my time again I would limit them to very small groups of 2/3 guests maximum.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 07/09/2017 11:57

Leilaniii I don't think I'd go by MN threads, there can be quite a bit of exaggeration/judgy pants on those threads as I'm sure you know.

The thing is though, if you don't do sleepovers then surely you'd just say that when invited? Likewise if you don't have time for play dates? I think the problem arises when the other parent hmms and haws, or agrees to something only to then change their mind.

We don't do sleepovers except with the DCs cousins at the moment. So if asked by a school mum I or DH thank them politely and explain the dc aren't at the sleepover stage yet. The parent doesnt then ask again 3 weeks later and end up wondering why they're being fobbed off which I think some people do rather than be direct.

Reading MN sometimes you'd be forgiven for thinking that invitations and suggestions for getting together are somehow done to irritate and offend, they're really not!

coddiwomple · 07/09/2017 11:59

It's never acceptable to be rude and I can't stand parents who can't reply a simple yes or no to an invitation.

That said, I have tried to discourage some friendship my kids seem to be keen on because of the parents. You don't have to become close to someone because 2 kids get on well as school, sometimes it's better if they don't see each other outside of school.

Leilaniii · 07/09/2017 12:01

We are all in bed by 8.30 pm in our house, so it would be a pretty shit sleepover .

But yes, you're right. If there are reasons, then just say. It's a bit odd about the party though. Surely if she just didn't want her child to go, she would make up an excuse? Or is she just going to leave it and not turn up?

Maybe she's just flaky?

tinypop4 · 07/09/2017 12:04

I would give her till the morning as you've sent a prompt text already. Then if still no response I would text'

Hello, as I've not heard from you I have invited another of DCs friends to his party. I need to confirm numbers and haven't heard back from you. Hopefully we can get the DC together sometime soon '

Don't agonise over it - just invite someone else. She is being rude not to respond to you.

misshelena · 07/09/2017 12:04

Mind you frustrated you'd best prepare yourself to feature as the villain in an AIBU re "two tier friendships" from the parent of the child only asked the day before

OP, I would tell DS the truth about the strange mom. If he's going to feel rejected, it is important that he knows that the rejection is not coming from his friend, but from some strange adult whom neither of them has any control over.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2017 12:05

I think it is time for your ds to find other friends. He can have his best friend as a school friend and have other friends as play date friends.

I had a similar problem with my dds friends. Two mothers. One was queen bee and I'm not part of her clique. The other just decided that she didn't like me. Both of these women get on ok but not friends btw. Dd had play dates with the first girl dd and then there was a small incident, which was blown out of all proportion. I don't know what was said by the parents, but from being absolute besties, her dd stopped talking to my dd for 6 months. Dd was 5. Once the dust had settled, I tried on several occasions to have play dates with queen bees dd. But she fobbed me off, said she'd be ok to meet etc. Then never did. The other mother was ok for me to have her dd but did not want to reciprocate. And her dd used to be really hard work so I stopped asking her dd over. This second woman even told her dd in front of my dd that she wouldn't be inviting my dd on a play date as she needed to invite queen bees dd over. Bloody cheek! Dd came back to me in tears. This happened a couple of months later when dd just turned 6.

Then there was a third little girl, who picked up on the thing with the first child and also didn't want to come on a play date. Dd was in hell, school refusing, not wanting to wash or brush her hair. It was awful. So I got dd very very busy. Lots of after school activities. She met a wide range of children not just from the few at school. And although she doesn't socialise with many of them outside the activities, she's found like minded friends and found things she's good at. It has been a massive confidence boost.

Once dd started yr2 , she finally started wanting to invite other children on play dates. So the days we were free, we found a couple of friends to invite. Dd is now really good friends with one of the girls and I'm friends with her mum too.

Looking back, what happened really really happened for a reason. I now look at my dd. She's 9 and in yr5. She's a strong and confident character. Meanwhile queen bees dd is immature and the second child is completely messed up because her parents have split, and I can see the girls elder sister turning into a mean girl when she used to be so sweet . It's really really sad for the children. I know it's the parents. Not me. And it isn't you or your ds, it's her. I don't know why these women have to replay their childhood years again once they step foot in the school playground.

So my best advice is to get your ds busy and happy.

Leilaniii · 07/09/2017 12:09

I agree with Mummoflittledragon. Leave all this schoolyard BS behind and get your DC involved in some outside activities, if you can.

Changeschangechangeagain · 07/09/2017 12:13

I was in a similar situation with my daughter. It turned out to be a bit of a one-sided friendship with my daughter being too demanding.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 07/09/2017 12:14

Yes I think having friendships that aren't dependent just on proximity is really important and can do wonders for a childs confidence. Young children fall in and out with each other so often, it's not nice to suddenly find yourself on the outside but at least if they have other friendship groups the effect of being left out by former school or street friends hopefully isn't so devastating.

Original poster

frustratedmumofboy · 07/09/2017 12:15

Thanks all - I sent a second prompt via Facebook and have finally had a reply. No. Because the child has sports. Fine. Why not say that in the first place ffs . Replied, ok, thanks for letting me know. Now she's text me back asking what DS thinks of the new teacher. I can't bring myself to reply. Does she not realise how rude she is? Anyway, as PPs have said, time to forget about it and move on. I have done so in the past, but the school friendship has persisted and my DS persaudes me to interact with her every so often (I'm talking once or twice a year! not pushy I don't think). Anyway, that's it. I give up.

OP posts:

Leilaniii · 07/09/2017 12:19

Don't take it personally, frustratedmumofboy.

crabbiearses · 07/09/2017 12:19

i think after that text i would ask her outright if you have done anything to offend her and reiterate how much your child wants to be friend with hers and you understand if she isn't interested in being your friend .

PoisonousSmurf · 07/09/2017 12:21

Sounds like the 'rude' mother is power tripping. Invite another child and forget about her. If the child is disappointed, then it's the mum's fault not the op.

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