Mil...anyone got one similar??

[mumto2two]

Ok..it's a tired old topic I know. And I have weathered many a storm with mine, bitten my tongue and toed a tightrope line more times than I ever thought I could..but now that she's here on another one of her annual/biannual visits, the tension in the house has reached epic levels. I don't think I've ever felt more suffocated!
She has just left for a couple of nights with a relative of hers, and I'm literally feeling euphoric. Have been mentally listing the things she does when she is here..and wondered if she truly is unique, or are there other mils like this out there

Firstly..not a helpful presence in my house, but nor would I expect. She is always very much in guest mode.
So that's an aside...and I wouldn't have an issue with that, if I enjoyed the company. But I don't.
Here are some examples...
Stalks me 24/7...an intense and extremely tense presence, looming over my shoulder all day long. What are you going to do now?..don't you want to do this / that/ or other? On the hour every hour.

Constantly asks in a haughty poshest voice you've ever heard tone..'do you think that's wise?' My teenage daughter tries to avoid her now, as everything she does has this remark..and she's threatening to go stay with her friend for the rest of her trip.

Has no concept of personal space. Walks into our bedroom at 7am on the weekend, and haughtily asks...shall I pull your blinds for you?
Leaves her bedroom door wide open every night, and it opens right onto ours. It's all a bit cramped up there! Walks in and out of our room, and my children's, as and when she pleases.

Wants to help me make my bed?!? My 7 year old makes her own bed!

Is paranoid about everything the kids do...should you be doing this/that or other? Don't you think you should be doing this/that or other?

Constantly makes indirect references to the fact that DH works long hours and I'm mostly sah. Scrutinises what I spend, what I cook, what I do with my spare time. Nothing is sacred.

Is a self obsessed hypochondriac who I'm 100% sure feigns things to get attention from her son sometimes.
Still 'takes her girls' to the doctors with every little thing... but they are both in their 40s

Takes authority over my children, tells them what they can and can't do..even while I am stood there!
Upset my 7 year old when she told her categorically, she would not be getting another pet..as it's bad for her allergies. Only we as a family, have already agreed we will be replacing our last pet, and had just been to see one we were interested in! But oh no...mil says no, we can't have one!

Thinks alcohol is poison, and looks down her nose at us, whenever we dare have a glass of wine.
A friend popped over to say a quick hello, and she had a tiny spritzer which I filled with ice, as she was driving. Mil took the liberty of leaning over and pointing at her glass, and haughtily asked her if she thought that was a good idea, given that she had a car outside. Friend felt uncomfortable and legged it pretty quick!

She has often upset various friends & family over the years, everybody thinks she is stifling and uncomfortable to be around. When she is here, I have actually questioned whether DH is worth it, it is so unbearable, and he can swan off to his office for 15 hours and leave me to it.
Anyway...I'm sure there are many other similar breeds out there...but it's been good to offload!

I was going to say not to worry, because it does get better... but then I read you have a teenage DD . Yikes. You've been putting up with this for a loooooooong time.

Never mind the mango - wander in to her room at 5.00am carrying a cucumber and wearing a gimp mask OP.

Gosh I feel your pain OP but you have to have to have to confront her. Bullies can't deal with being stood up to.

My MIL has been rather bullied by first FIL and then their sons her entire married life. They love her very much but don't show her respect. She then is quite pushy and bordering on bullying with others. She tried it with me. I spoke to DH who spoke to her and she apologised and actually told me she lacked boundaries and I should just tell her when she's being annoying. So now I do. And I don't mince words. So much so I feel guilty that I'm too straightforward and I think she's actually a bit afraid of me. She came into the guest room we were staying in at her home once, while I was showering in the ensuite, to play with the baby. I went ballistic at DH that she should stay the fuck out of my bedroom at all times ever unless invited in. He didn't get it but had a word.

She used to almost beg us to let DS1 sleep with her when he was about 3mo (exclusively breastfed waking 2-3hourly) and she would bring him to us when he woke up. She would ask repeatedly. I would look her in the eye not a smile on my face and just say 'No'.

When PiL visit us I never allow her to cook unless it's the kids lunch and I'm not there. She knows we prefer the dishwasher but will walk all the plates thoroughly then pack them in the dishes washer. These things I've learned to let go. She used to follow me around too and not give me space to get dressed - now I say, can I have some privacy and stare in her eyes until she leaves. She stands on top of me in the kitchen and always refuses tea but then gets herself a cup of boiling water when I've just made everyone tea. When I'm cooking she stands over my shoulder until I had to say, 'when I'm in my kitchen I'd like you to stay on that side of the kitchen, out of my way, I get annoyed when you're on top of me.' She always then apologises profusely. She does that with everything. I smile and tell her, sorry if I'm harsh, I'd rather be open with you than say nothing and feel resentful.

She used to go on and on and on about how amazing her son, my DH, is and what an amazing father he is. He's not really, he'd like to be far less hands in with the kids than I allow him to be. When they are around he never has to be asked to change nappies. Offers to take crying kids. Runs upstairs when he hears a peep out of them. Not so when they're not around. So one day he annoyed me so much, and she even more with her gushing, that I told her, 'if your son doesn't watch it he's going to find himself single. He's behaviour is blah blah blah and youve enabled it all these years. You allow yourself to be disrespected and for your DH and DSS to be disrespectful to women in general but I will not stand for it.' The tirade went on for a bit. She cried. I felt horrid. But with some people it's best to be open and honest and keep them at arms length. She wanted to be close. She was stifling. I have my own mother and we are close. I don't need another. But I teach my children to respect her. And that if they've heard unkind words spoken to her they're allowed to tell grandpa or dad that it's unkind. I say this to them in her presence. I never know whether it's a good idea or not. If she tries to force them, I tell her, MiL if you annoy them they won't like you and you'll have only yourself to blame'.

Back to your situation OP, you need to spell out to her in calm measured tones exactly what you will and won't allow. 'You are not allowed in our bedroom. EVER' etc. You'll be amazed at how things will probably change after.

Mumto2two just
I have nothing helpful to say except I feel your pain.

Mumyum1
That sounds like the best rant ever!
I fantasise about telling my MIL off. My SIL (DH Bros wife) keep eachother sane (mostly)
Some examples:

1. Fawning over DH. Literally like he was 4. Smoothing his hair, collar and complaining that his glasses 'spoil his beauty' when he wears them... WTAF! I have to leave the room or I laugh... Dh's defense is to lightheartedly take the piss out of her for doing it but he looks like he might punch her square in the jaw sometimes

(I've told him that if I ever see her lick a tissue I'm leaving! )

1. When sil had first baby she presented them with a list of names she thought would be suitable! Her and Bil were just ... "Yeah thanks for going to the trouble but we kind of have our own ideas" She then complained because she'd gone to 'so much trouble' to select them!

SIL got on the phone to me to ask what names wed been 'offered' when do was born... (We hadn't been! )

1. Constantly tells DH stuff about his dB that could wind him up royally if they didn't talk much... details like how much he earns, how much his extention cost, etc etc. We don't tell her any details like that... and we know for a fact that Bil tells her random numbers to shut her up!
2. The following me around thing... what is up with that! She actually says "oh I'm getting in your way" And continues following! I swear I might start carrying a taser around the kitchen with me!

She sounds deeply unpleasant and I do feel for OP but she does say that MIL bedroom door opens onto their bedroom so 1) it's hardly fair to lock it, thereby locking her in or 2) they could close it themselves once she's asleep? All I can say is if I were OP's MIL I'd be traipsing through to the bathroom a couple of times a night! (unless there's an en suite)

is locking the door or just walking in a generation thing? because both my gp walk in.and to the room show no sign of our rooms not being a free for all even when door is firmly shut.

Blimey. My MIL sounds almost perfectly normal compared to yours. Before you met her for the first time did DH-to-be 'warn' you about her? My DH did about his mother, saying that she was 'rather childlike' - this took a while to become clear. I've thought since that she may be mentally ill in some way.

As your MIL is so overbearing I think you must limit her visits to a shorter time span and get DH to take a week or two off work to entertain her and try to put her right, firmly but kindly. She sounds a horror.

💐 it's a difficult relationship. We had to go to a meeting this week and she is so rude about random strangers I had to keep my mouth shut.

Joking aside, if this was me, I'd POINT BLANK refuse to have anything to do with her unless he was around 100% of the time. But that's just me, I'm a stubborn mule (and everyone knows there's no point trying to reason with me).

Really he needs to take responsibility and take time off work if you are going to see her; and handle all negotiations, such as limiting visits to a few days. He should also be there to act as a diplomat to insure no one launches a book at her or anything. If he doesn't step up to the plate, simply refuse to see her.

I'm the one with the mother who must be the MIL from hell. I'd never leave my husband to deal with her alone, but then he has a nicer nature and probably wouldn't mind!

The trouble here is [as you seem to realise] that you have normalised this behaviour by putting up with it for so long - in life, what you put up with, you volunteer for more of. I had a bullying and highly unpleasant mother in law once, and she got precisely two chances. The first time she bullied and humiliated us when we were staying at her house [she had sat in the toilet next to our bedroom, listened to us having sex and made nasty remarks about it the next day] I told her in so many words "never to speak to me like that again". The second time she bullied us, I went upstairs, packed my bag, told my wife what I was going to do and offered her the chance to come with me [she declined], and drove home by myself from Dudley to Tyneside. For the next eight months, I returned her rude letters, hung up on her abusive phone calls and cut her dead at family gatherings whilst behaving with the utmost punctilio to the rest of the family. She apologised in the end, but the poisonous atmosphere we had generated wrecked the marriage - which I discovered later had been what my mother in law wanted to begin with! All of which is to say that if you don't stop this - firmly but politely - you will risk your marriage. Your husband needs to grow a pair.

I agree re the chain on bedroom door - shame you can't lock it.

Why is she here for so long? I would tell DH you cannot stand it and if she is visiting he has to be off and do all the taking care of her visit.

You really have to put on your Big Girls Pants and tackle this - she sounds bloody awful.

For the remainder of this visit I would play her at her own game "Do you think that's wise MIL?"

As for the pet business - what's she most allergic to? Get ten of those!

OP is it possible that she leaves the door open for easier access to the loo in the night? Older people sometimes don't see too well in the dark or may forget their bearings a bit. If that's the case, and you find out later, you will feel really rotten about it for all the resentment on that account.

Coming into your room is so weird, but maybe she used to do that to her kids growing up? My MIL has some boundary issues as well and I've found occupying her helps a lot.

So when yours asks to help you, give her actual tasks. Ironing, cooking, mending. These are all activities that will keep her tied down for a period of time and out of your hair. Also, if she's only doing it to be annoying, she will limit her visits if she knows she's only going to be put to work.

I just find it incredulous that I should have to ask somebody NOT to do that?!

I get you, OP. But she does it and so you DO have to tell her not to. And you don't owe her ANY politeness.

Seriously, toughen up, think about yourself and tell her to get the fuck out of your bedroom.

And work on the rest too.

GetOffTheTableMabel
How about fake concern?
"I'm starting to worry about you MiL. I have asked you over and over again not to come into our bedroom and yet you don't seem able to remember. Are you experiencing memory problems in other areas of your life? Perhaps you should see a doctor? I can see that you are not aware of the issue but really I have mentioned it repeatedly and you forget every time".

Brilliant! I love this!

Next time she walks into your bedroom and offers to draw the blinds, reply that it's not convenient right now as you are just about to go down on her son and don't want the neighbours to see you.

My FIL used to hover just behind me and it drove me bats. As I'm known to be of a fairly nervous disposition I was able to fake being surprised by his presence and scream loudly as I turned and 'caught sight' of him. He was quite careful about being too close after that.

You sound like a nicer person than me or you would have resorted to sneaky tactics a while ago. Good luck with however you decide to deal with your very own nutjob!

Get your dd to stand in a ghostly nightie at the end of her bed in the middle of the night, muttering. That'll make her close her door.

The other stuff, you need to actually tell her that it's not acceptable to come in your room when you're sleeping. Spell it out, firmly.

Sorry I've only ready the first page but MANGO TIME is fucking hilarious!

I really think you should try 'mango time'

Sorry but 'mango time' did make me laugh 😂😂

What about one if those spray bottles? When she does something you don't want her to, whack out the bottle and spray her in the face with water (similar to old school dog training - you could even combine it with treats when she does something good)

I wonder how much tasers are?

There have been so many hilarious suggestions on here, I honestly haven't laughed so much in ages
It's been almost cathartic to know there are other fruit loops out there
As for mango time..what an absolute classic. Next time mil offers to pull our blinds, I'll be tempted to scream...only if you bring me the f*ing mangoes! That's bound to have her doubting my suitability for her precious golden boy