Mil...anyone got one similar??

[mumto2two]

Ok..it's a tired old topic I know. And I have weathered many a storm with mine, bitten my tongue and toed a tightrope line more times than I ever thought I could..but now that she's here on another one of her annual/biannual visits, the tension in the house has reached epic levels. I don't think I've ever felt more suffocated!
She has just left for a couple of nights with a relative of hers, and I'm literally feeling euphoric. Have been mentally listing the things she does when she is here..and wondered if she truly is unique, or are there other mils like this out there

Firstly..not a helpful presence in my house, but nor would I expect. She is always very much in guest mode.
So that's an aside...and I wouldn't have an issue with that, if I enjoyed the company. But I don't.
Here are some examples...
Stalks me 24/7...an intense and extremely tense presence, looming over my shoulder all day long. What are you going to do now?..don't you want to do this / that/ or other? On the hour every hour.

Constantly asks in a haughty poshest voice you've ever heard tone..'do you think that's wise?' My teenage daughter tries to avoid her now, as everything she does has this remark..and she's threatening to go stay with her friend for the rest of her trip.

Has no concept of personal space. Walks into our bedroom at 7am on the weekend, and haughtily asks...shall I pull your blinds for you?
Leaves her bedroom door wide open every night, and it opens right onto ours. It's all a bit cramped up there! Walks in and out of our room, and my children's, as and when she pleases.

Wants to help me make my bed?!? My 7 year old makes her own bed!

Is paranoid about everything the kids do...should you be doing this/that or other? Don't you think you should be doing this/that or other?

Constantly makes indirect references to the fact that DH works long hours and I'm mostly sah. Scrutinises what I spend, what I cook, what I do with my spare time. Nothing is sacred.

Is a self obsessed hypochondriac who I'm 100% sure feigns things to get attention from her son sometimes.
Still 'takes her girls' to the doctors with every little thing... but they are both in their 40s

Takes authority over my children, tells them what they can and can't do..even while I am stood there!
Upset my 7 year old when she told her categorically, she would not be getting another pet..as it's bad for her allergies. Only we as a family, have already agreed we will be replacing our last pet, and had just been to see one we were interested in! But oh no...mil says no, we can't have one!

Thinks alcohol is poison, and looks down her nose at us, whenever we dare have a glass of wine.
A friend popped over to say a quick hello, and she had a tiny spritzer which I filled with ice, as she was driving. Mil took the liberty of leaning over and pointing at her glass, and haughtily asked her if she thought that was a good idea, given that she had a car outside. Friend felt uncomfortable and legged it pretty quick!

She has often upset various friends & family over the years, everybody thinks she is stifling and uncomfortable to be around. When she is here, I have actually questioned whether DH is worth it, it is so unbearable, and he can swan off to his office for 15 hours and leave me to it.
Anyway...I'm sure there are many other similar breeds out there...but it's been good to offload!

You need to nip this in the bud now. This is your life, your house and you're in control!

So start getting mad! React to her! Have a go when she oversteps or interferes. Then she will bitch to him and his mummy will be upset. And I guarantee then he will sit up and take notice.

DH has got the old FOG - fear, obligation, guilt thing. Treat DH first and then tackle MIL together, with DH taking centre stage so MIL can't play you off against each other. As pp have said, bullies will carry on until somebody stands up to them.

I've heard some MIL stories on here but sweet Jesus, I am furious on your behalf.

Your MIL is abusvie. Coming in to your bedroom at 7am. She turns your home in to a bloody prison. Nasty, nasty cow. 😡

I have one, my DD calls her she who shall not be named. Needs feeding every 30 minutes or so, and criticises every single thing that I do. She is FILs second wife after her sister, his first wife died. DH has finally agreed that he will go an visit them from now on

I did yell at DH while holding a knife at DS's christening that if she didn't get out of my fucking way and stop hovering by my shoulder I was going to stab her through her fucking heart

TWO MORE WEEKS OF THIS?? Oh you poor dear.

Okay, let's get really passive aggressive and mess with her, then! Don't make it horrible... just weird.

Stop really abruptly as she's following you around, and let her bump into you! If you need to take half a step back because oops you missed something to pick up, then oops.

When she asks if you shouldn't be doing that, say "OH! of course I shouldn't!", then stop completely dead and stare at her until she suggests something else.

When she asks what are you going to do now, just act/look completely helpless and absolutely whine "I don't know what should I do??"

When she says her awful do you think that's wiiiiiiise? Reply abruptly (startle her if you can!) with "OH MY GOD NO!! IT'S BLOODY INSANE!! WHAT ON EARTH [ARE YOU/AM I] THINKING?!" You'd want to talk that over with DC beforehand. Let them know you're going to say it, but that they should continue with whatever they're doing. If it's directed at you, again stop dead and let her suggest something else.

Swanning into your bedroom at 7am... Hmm. I say set an alarm for a few minutes earlier and let her interrupt thw two of you at your absolute raunchiest. Weird costumes, whips and chains, all orifices on display and pointed straight at the door. Perhaps sneak over and close your DD's door first, though. And if not that, you could at least make it look like you're having sex. That ought to teach her to stop that bullshit.

And dear GOD NO do not ever let her ruin your bloody holiday!

Screw that!

'MIL please can you knock before coming into our bedroom" God only knows what we might have been doing! You wouldn't want to have walked in on our marital shenanigans. Please don't come in here anymore, there's no reason for you to be"

What can she say to argue with something like that?

Last night I talked to him again and listed out all the things I listed here, and he just shrugs in a 'what can he do' kind of way. I asked him did he not think his mothers behaviour was interfering creepy & odd.. how inappropriate it is to come into our room and offer to open our blinds..and how unacceptable it is to comment on what people do or don't do..does he not notice all this and still think it is ok? His answer? He guesses he's just got used to it over the years, she's always been like that, so he obviously doesn't have an issue with her as much as I do. What an earth can you say to that?!

You could tell him that she's causing trouble and by not stepping in and setting her straight, he's colluding with her. That she's distressing and upsetting and hurting you, and he's colluding with her. That he is causing you an immense amount of pain and unhappiness by not stepping in and sorting this out. And that you deserve to be treated with respect and love, and right now he's not doing any of those things.

I have found a lot of help at Captain Awkward's blog. You might like to start there.

He's letting you down very badly and you deserve better.

Dear God op I love a drink with my dills! We are not all alike promise.

Book her a hotel and dh an adjoining room

Posts like this make me even more thankful for my own amazing PiL, I'm closer to my MiL than my own mother despite how far away she lives.

OP, I don't know how you do it! Life is too short for the non-sense you've described, I'd have long since started being very honest with her.

Hahaah, awful thought.

Have you considered going in to her bedroom at 6:30am and returning the favour?

Curtains flung open. Shower running and say 'bathroom is free'....then turn all the other taps on in the house when she has been in there a couple of minutes. I'd give her a morning she wouldn't forget quickly.

Your DH has been well-trained by Mummy hasn't he?

I don't know what you can do, but I do think this is an instance of a 'DH problem'. Personally I'd have blown a gasket by now and said 'me or her' or stabbed both of them.

Make arrangements for her to get her out of ur way. Maybe arrange for her to go out with people her own age. I assume ur kids r not around during the day now as school has started so just put it like "hey it must be boring here without the kids, y don't u go do some sightseeing or go to meet so and so for a drink"

Alternatively, ask her to do cooking and laundry and take urself to the gym or a spa! Don't think there's any way to get rid of her that easily seeing as she lives so far. If uve put up with this for 11 yrs, do u honestly think ur DH will change how?

Very much liking the shower ploy, 149, will commit that to memory

she removed your box of wine from the car

Jesus Christ the woman would have been struck dead with my exoression.

His answer? He guesses he's just got used to it over the years, she's always been like that, so he obviously doesn't have an issue with her as much as I do. What an earth can you say to that?!

Just because he's 'used to it', you're not, and you don't have to GET used to it.

She's completely out of order.

If he won't step up, you do it. Tell her to get the fuck out of your bedroom. In those words. At volume. Every time.

When she asks should you be doing this/that or other? Don't you think you should be doing this/that or other? tell her it's not her business and to stop it.

When she makes references to the fact that DH works long hours and you're mostly a SAHM, tell her to either say something straight out or mind her own business. Every time.

When she scrutinises what you spend, what you cook, what you do with your spare time, tell her to mind her own business. Every time.

When she takes authority over your children, leave the room/area with them. Tell her later not to claim authority over your children. Every time.

You don't need to be polite to someone who's behaving like this.

If your DH doesn't like it, tough.

Sounds like a right dragon. Why can't your husband take time off when she visits, she's his bloody mother.

I was once very tempted to tell mine that if she stopped calling early on Sat am or coming into out room unannounced when visiting, she might give us a chance to produce the grandchild she kept unsubtly hinting at! Lol.

It's who she is.
She only visits once or twice a year so either grin and bear it or tell your dh he must take time off to spend time with his mum or to put her off visiting.

I had shades of this

When she visited she wanted around bored but would never do anything helpful, but would give DH the impressions she was (I set him straight). Used to STARE at me doing anything like it was the most amazing thing ever (had to get DH to get rid)

Complained about everything, especially food. She once told me something looked disgusting whilst I was serving it up and how nice it was when DH was there. My answer was to cook A LOT and not get the takeaways she asked for

Complained how awkward it was staying at ours, in a large ensuite double room. Hers we slept on the floor of living room (she wouldn't even get a sofa bed as she wouldn't sleep on it?!)

Had no sense of privacy when it came to me - she on the other hand was paranoid someone would see her in her nighty - regularly would walk in on me changing

Chronic hypochondriac, especially if there was any cold, rain - she would die instantly. HATED illness in others, including children and babies - refused to believe anyone else ever got ill.

Had no interest in GC - but wanted to be adored by them and them to have no interest in any other relatives/adults.

It took me a while to realise was that all she wanted in DH. Not because she liked him in particular but because he is nice and super helpful and would do anything, she saw me as the barrier to him home and being at her beck and call. I was never going to be liked, so didn't try

OP With the bedroom door open/walking into your room, I think you need to have lots of very loud sexmall night - or play a recording!! (And maybe your dd should go on a sleepover) . Also set an alarm - preferably one mil wont hear -for just before the time she usually arrives in your room at the weekend so she can catch you "in the act" - fake it if need be!!

It's who she is.
She only visits once or twice a year so either grin and bear it or tell your dh he must take time off to spend time with his mum or to put her off visiting.

It may well be who she is, but I don't know why OP should put up with it, it's obviously a problem having her MIL in the house.

OP I can think of a number of things you can try, but it depends how you want to approach things. Directly, indirectly or creatively!?

Would you go as far as to say this is having an impact on your marriage? If so, have you made that clear to your DH?

Starfish mummy. Excellent !!!!!

Rudedog..they could be sisters, so much of that rings familiar. Only difference is I can't 'not be nice' to her. Don't get me wrong, I have stood my ground on various issues over the years, such as length of visits and resisting things she thought I should or shouldn't do. Such as accompanying her on a 4 hour round trip so she could show off her new 2 week old GC to some old friends I'd never even met, of which the purpose of suggested trip was to actually give me some space. She cried when I categorically said no. I had mastitis and my bottom had 3rd degree tears that made anything further than my front door a no no. Yet sod all that. Her stony face trembled and she actually cried. And strangely enough has never shed a tear at any other time we've seen. Not even when FIL passed away. Not getting her own way is just too hard to handle. Yes she is who she is, as one poster has said, and there is not an awful lot we can do to change that, but try and manage her time with us as minimally and best we can. As for having to tell her to stay away from our bedroom, that we do not need our blinds pulling in the morning etc..that's also a tough one. I just find it incredulous that I should have to ask somebody NOT to do that?! And she does it in a creepy 'nice' kind of way...where you lay there thinking..er this is weird and you're scrambling to keep the bits you might have inadvertently displayed all covered..and she's stood there at the foot of your bed all patronisingly nicey nice..shall I open your blinds for you?? No mum, we're fine. Are you sure??? It's rather dark in here... Shall I just open them a little? Hand on cord already about to drag the dammed thing up...that's when I'm on the brink of screaming get the f out of my bedroom...but I've never spoken like that to anyone..so I admit, I'm my own worst enemy at not being nice. Maybe I should try harder