Mil...anyone got one similar??

[mumto2two]

Ok..it's a tired old topic I know. And I have weathered many a storm with mine, bitten my tongue and toed a tightrope line more times than I ever thought I could..but now that she's here on another one of her annual/biannual visits, the tension in the house has reached epic levels. I don't think I've ever felt more suffocated!
She has just left for a couple of nights with a relative of hers, and I'm literally feeling euphoric. Have been mentally listing the things she does when she is here..and wondered if she truly is unique, or are there other mils like this out there

Firstly..not a helpful presence in my house, but nor would I expect. She is always very much in guest mode.
So that's an aside...and I wouldn't have an issue with that, if I enjoyed the company. But I don't.
Here are some examples...
Stalks me 24/7...an intense and extremely tense presence, looming over my shoulder all day long. What are you going to do now?..don't you want to do this / that/ or other? On the hour every hour.

Constantly asks in a haughty poshest voice you've ever heard tone..'do you think that's wise?' My teenage daughter tries to avoid her now, as everything she does has this remark..and she's threatening to go stay with her friend for the rest of her trip.

Has no concept of personal space. Walks into our bedroom at 7am on the weekend, and haughtily asks...shall I pull your blinds for you?
Leaves her bedroom door wide open every night, and it opens right onto ours. It's all a bit cramped up there! Walks in and out of our room, and my children's, as and when she pleases.

Wants to help me make my bed?!? My 7 year old makes her own bed!

Is paranoid about everything the kids do...should you be doing this/that or other? Don't you think you should be doing this/that or other?

Constantly makes indirect references to the fact that DH works long hours and I'm mostly sah. Scrutinises what I spend, what I cook, what I do with my spare time. Nothing is sacred.

Is a self obsessed hypochondriac who I'm 100% sure feigns things to get attention from her son sometimes.
Still 'takes her girls' to the doctors with every little thing... but they are both in their 40s

Takes authority over my children, tells them what they can and can't do..even while I am stood there!
Upset my 7 year old when she told her categorically, she would not be getting another pet..as it's bad for her allergies. Only we as a family, have already agreed we will be replacing our last pet, and had just been to see one we were interested in! But oh no...mil says no, we can't have one!

Thinks alcohol is poison, and looks down her nose at us, whenever we dare have a glass of wine.
A friend popped over to say a quick hello, and she had a tiny spritzer which I filled with ice, as she was driving. Mil took the liberty of leaning over and pointing at her glass, and haughtily asked her if she thought that was a good idea, given that she had a car outside. Friend felt uncomfortable and legged it pretty quick!

She has often upset various friends & family over the years, everybody thinks she is stifling and uncomfortable to be around. When she is here, I have actually questioned whether DH is worth it, it is so unbearable, and he can swan off to his office for 15 hours and leave me to it.
Anyway...I'm sure there are many other similar breeds out there...but it's been good to offload!

1. If she goes to bed before you, close her bedroom door. Don't leave it open.
2. If she is following you around with her arms folded, give her something to carry, e.g. laundry basket or something. Make her useful.
3. Talk to your DH and make sure that the next time a visit from her is planned that he isn't in work or you'll book the rest of the family for a trip away somewhere so you wont be around. If the next trip is timed for when the kids are at school and you have other relatives you can stay with, move in with them (if they'll allow it) for the duration of MiL's visit.
4. Perhaps sit her down over a cup of tea and say "MiL, this isn't working between any of us at the moment. You need to follow the house rules and they are as follows:

A - stop following us around the house B - close your bedroom door C - stop countermanding our decisions. They were made without your involvement and don't need your opinions at this point as they cause upset to family members. D - etc. If you don't think you'll be able to follow these rules, while we love seeing you and spending time with you when you do visit, I'd recommend that you stay in X, Y or Z hotel or B&B."

Though I think your DH should be saying all of the above and not you. Get him to have a chat with her.

Where is your DH in all of this?

Why does she need to stay for so long?!!

Tell your DH. 'Your mother makes us all miserable. What are we going to do about it? She can't stay that long and you have to be here every second to host her'

If she comes into your room at 7am use your words!

'Shall I open your curtains'

'No. Fuck off'

Get her telt!

Yes, I do think that's wise.
MIL, we make the decisions in this house.
No, I don't want you to open the blinds.
MIL, if you don't like how we do things here, you can always stay in a hotel.

Thinks alcohol is poison, and looks down her nose at us

Oh fuck... you mean you have to (officially) endure that sober? No, just no. [beer].

Get hold of some documents for emigrating to Australia, half fill them in and strategically place them in your home where she can't fail to see them. That might shake her up a bit

Especially if you put her name on them.

DH definitely needs to take annual leave when she visits. She's his mother, not yours.

If a lock on your door is a no-no, put one on hers. From the outside! 😈

I'd start wearing heels when she follows you around and accidentally on purpose step on her foot.

She lives in Oz..hence the long visits. Although following the nightmare of her thinking I would need her for 3 months when dd was born, I have insisted she breaks her stays up with her other siblings who live around the country.
As for DH taking time, that has also been a stipulation at times, but as dd has often been in hospital, DH ends up using a lot of his annual leave and so taking time off for her visits is not always possible. She always passes hints of wanting to join us on our regular 2 week summer holiday, seems to think I am privileged that her ds provides such a nice holiday for us every year..even though it's a shared ownership I've had long before I met him! I don't think it would matter where we met her. Holidays with her are horrendous anyway. She is the most uptight opinionated grandiose woman, and a week away with her last year, almost had me packing to go home early.
I make an effort for my youngest. It's her only grandparent, and she envies her friends who have doting grandparents nearby. Yet when she comes, my dd changes. Doesn't want to be with her on her own. Wants me to be with her all the time. Wants mummy to bath her, read to her, sit with her etc..and mil makes no attempt to hide the sucking lemons face she always pulls in response. She practically ordered her to go for a walk with her yesterday, but dd was adamant she didn't want to go. And thankfully didn't give in. She forces herself on people, you must do what SHE wants..she did it with me the first weekend we ever met!
As for the bedroom saga. We have repeatedly shut her door. But she gets up and opens it again. I have repeatedly told her I don't need help making my own bed, every time she lurches in hot on my heels. Go and put your feet up, read a book, watch the news...Yet she just doesn't get it..I'm loving the stretch & yawn suggestions. But having accidentally left a very embarrassing package on our bed last year, and remembering the abject look of disgust on her face when she walked into our room and saw it, I thought that would be the lesson she needed...but oh no...we woke to find her stood at the end of our bed...in fine pompous form as ever!

If DH has no more annual leave then she can't stay with you. To bad so sad.

She sounds like my mother. You have my sympathies! Perhaps you should beat her at her own game and wander in to her room at 6 am with mangoes (in the nude of course), shrieking "Mango Time!!!" and see if she fucks off back to her own place....
(Btw - When I caught my mother (who was a notorious prude) going through my husband's drawers, I asked her if she was looking for his porn stash or the sex toys. Never seen a drawer slammed shut so quickly in my life.

Gosh no Spartacus! If anything I've learned to stock up even more! Just try and avoid the judgmental glare and snide comments like..are you sure you need another one?? Yes I do..and more besides!!
I used to avoid it for fear of offending her (daft I know) but then I realised that it was the only way I'd ever survive!
Once on a long weekend trip ..I had packed a large box of wine to take in the car. Rocked up to find she had taken them out and put them aside as the boot was too tight to take them and we'd 'surely never drink that much' DH must have wished he'd never lived. Holiday to remember

I didn't even finish reading your post.

Has no concept of personal space. Walks into our bedroom at 7am on the weekend, and haughtily asks...shall I pull your blinds for you? shock
Leaves her bedroom door wide open every night, and it opens right onto ours. It's all a bit cramped up there! Walks in and out of our room, and my children's, as and when she pleases.

This alone would end it for me. And DH!

Fucking hell, you are a SAINT, op!

so we have three adjacent bedrooms all facing each other

I can't figure this out at all could you do a diagram? If they're adjacent how are they facing each other?

Put her in a bnb next time.

Bedroom arrangement is a bit like below. Narrow hallway so each bedroom is quite close to the other. Hope that helps!

got it

Rather than fitting a lock to the inside of your bedroom door, fit a lock to the outside of her bedroom door!

Lock her in when you go to bed and don't let her out until you've had your first gin coffee of the day!

I presume you've told her not to come in your bedroom in the mornings? If she does it again, yell at her to get out. Have a go at her. She only has herself to blame.

Ok, scratch my earlier suggestions based on your more recent postings. Time to be vocal about how she is impacting on your family when she comes to visit.

Mary, you're being quite rude to my guest there.
Mary, DD doesn't want to go on a walk with you.
Mary, you're not allowed to enter my room without knocking and you must wait for us to say it's ok to enter. It's so rude when you just walk in unannounced. We're all adults you know and you never know what you might walk in on!
Mary, Mango Time!!!
Although she travels from Oz, would there be any reason why she couldn't stay say 1 week with you and then travel around for the remaining two or have a break in the middle where she goes travelling (i.e. not staying with you) and then you only need to host her at the start and end of her visits? Can you break up the holiday so that you're not hosting her for the three weeks straight???

If you've not asked her to not do these things, then you really should try that first.

If you've tried asking her not to do these things and she's still doing them, tell her that next time she visits she'll have to stay in a hotel.

If you're not getting enough support from your husband with her (and it certainly sounds as though he's not there for you) then you need to talk to him about it. It's his parent, his responsibility.

Life is too short to live it under a cloud. I hope you find some resolution.

Fuck that. How have you controlled yourself so far?

You're a better woman than me

How have I controlled myself this far? With great difficulty and simmering resentment towards DH!
We've had many make or break conversations about his mum over the years. And I cannot stand it when he does the brow beaten nagged husband routine. Sits there looking sad & jaded as if to say..what are you upset about now?? She's his mum, he can't upset her or stop her from visiting..etc etc
Last night I talked to him again and listed out all the things I listed here, and he just shrugs in a 'what can he do' kind of way. I asked him did he not think his mothers behaviour was interfering creepy & odd.. how inappropriate it is to come into our room and offer to open our blinds..and how unacceptable it is to comment on what people do or don't do..does he not notice all this and still think it is ok? His answer? He guesses he's just got used to it over the years, she's always been like that, so he obviously doesn't have an issue with her as much as I do. What an earth can you say to that?!

You are a saint! I would have fucking strangled her by now.

I had an awful MIL. and I agree yours is also awful OP. my ExH refused to do anything after years of me asking and conversations. It's the main reason for our divorce

Your DH needs to step up. He will get splinters in his arse sitting on the fence like that.

Christ, the thought of her makes my skin crawl. Sorry, I would go mental.

I would tell her to go away if she followed me around of ask her what she wants. Personal space is non negotiable.

I would place a lock on my bedroom door with a key and I would lock it at night and during the day. Your child can knock the door to come in. Or one of you sleeps in your kid's bedroom when she is visiting.

Next time your ghastly woman tries to take over you clearly and loudly say: 'This is my house and I decide. Not you. Is that clear?'

Repeat. And if that doesn't work then no more visits. She is a bully, and needs to be stood up to.

Poor you. You're a Saint!