Mil...anyone got one similar??

[mumto2two]

Ok..it's a tired old topic I know. And I have weathered many a storm with mine, bitten my tongue and toed a tightrope line more times than I ever thought I could..but now that she's here on another one of her annual/biannual visits, the tension in the house has reached epic levels. I don't think I've ever felt more suffocated!
She has just left for a couple of nights with a relative of hers, and I'm literally feeling euphoric. Have been mentally listing the things she does when she is here..and wondered if she truly is unique, or are there other mils like this out there

Firstly..not a helpful presence in my house, but nor would I expect. She is always very much in guest mode.
So that's an aside...and I wouldn't have an issue with that, if I enjoyed the company. But I don't.
Here are some examples...
Stalks me 24/7...an intense and extremely tense presence, looming over my shoulder all day long. What are you going to do now?..don't you want to do this / that/ or other? On the hour every hour.

Constantly asks in a haughty poshest voice you've ever heard tone..'do you think that's wise?' My teenage daughter tries to avoid her now, as everything she does has this remark..and she's threatening to go stay with her friend for the rest of her trip.

Has no concept of personal space. Walks into our bedroom at 7am on the weekend, and haughtily asks...shall I pull your blinds for you?
Leaves her bedroom door wide open every night, and it opens right onto ours. It's all a bit cramped up there! Walks in and out of our room, and my children's, as and when she pleases.

Wants to help me make my bed?!? My 7 year old makes her own bed!

Is paranoid about everything the kids do...should you be doing this/that or other? Don't you think you should be doing this/that or other?

Constantly makes indirect references to the fact that DH works long hours and I'm mostly sah. Scrutinises what I spend, what I cook, what I do with my spare time. Nothing is sacred.

Is a self obsessed hypochondriac who I'm 100% sure feigns things to get attention from her son sometimes.
Still 'takes her girls' to the doctors with every little thing... but they are both in their 40s

Takes authority over my children, tells them what they can and can't do..even while I am stood there!
Upset my 7 year old when she told her categorically, she would not be getting another pet..as it's bad for her allergies. Only we as a family, have already agreed we will be replacing our last pet, and had just been to see one we were interested in! But oh no...mil says no, we can't have one!

Thinks alcohol is poison, and looks down her nose at us, whenever we dare have a glass of wine.
A friend popped over to say a quick hello, and she had a tiny spritzer which I filled with ice, as she was driving. Mil took the liberty of leaning over and pointing at her glass, and haughtily asked her if she thought that was a good idea, given that she had a car outside. Friend felt uncomfortable and legged it pretty quick!

She has often upset various friends & family over the years, everybody thinks she is stifling and uncomfortable to be around. When she is here, I have actually questioned whether DH is worth it, it is so unbearable, and he can swan off to his office for 15 hours and leave me to it.
Anyway...I'm sure there are many other similar breeds out there...but it's been good to offload!

She sounds lonely and unhappy. No excuse for that behaviour though. You are a saint to put up with it.

OP I feel your pain! Such similar things have gone with my MIL, invasion of space and privacy, attempts at sabotaging our happy family life etc. BUT on another thread here someone recommended an ace book which really turned things around for us: 'Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage' by Susan Forward. I got the ebook version so I could hide it on my smartphone! Hope this helps. We're rooting for you!

PS forgot to say, the Susan Forward book didn't solve everything for me by any means, but it has improved things alot

OMG, my mil never stayed a night in my house until I had my son 10yrs ago, she then came every month for 5/6 days at a time, DH wasn't working at the time so I left them to it, HOWEVER, when he went back to work it was awful when he wasn't there, she was a cow, even told me she didn't like my girls only my son, I wanted to run her out the door, always in guest mode, never even offered to make a cuppa, she hates me and tells me I am no good for her son and never was or will be, we now see her as little as possible she only stays at Christmas and that's it, it's enough, GOOD LUCK, I feel your pain

She sounds awful and her behavior is abusive. Set boundaries and keep them - "you will choose your door at night or you will be staying in a hotel" and then follow through.

It sounds like your husband is also like how I used to be, blind to just how horrible and abusive her behavior is. Tell him he needs to understand her behavior is not normal and that he needs to check out Reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists -she might not be a narrastitic person but it will open his eyes to how her behavior is abusive and damaging.

About the two weeks old baby - good for you. This is what you need to do, stand your ground and be firm. Don't give excuses just no. Don't give in to her crying or weeping.

With following around maybe turn around and just stare back... Or grab a glass of wine and drink it while keeping eye contact every time. Unfortunately being strict with a "stop following me or I'll have to make you leave the house until your son comes home" night seen a little bit extreme out might actually work after the first time you stand your ground.

Sounds like my people on my side. My poor husband has had to point out that their behavior is abusive and it took a while but now I'm setting boundaries and keeping them. It's making it much better for me and my family.

You could train her to behave better in baby steps. Would you mind not coming in to our room please? No joy? Could you stay out of our room, thanks. No joy? I asked you not come in our room. No joy? Get out of our room! No joy? Fuck off! Then transfer this idea to over areas. You start by giving her polite requests and warnings and if she ignores you then it's reasonable to being more blunt and less polite. You would be giving your MIL ample chances to rein in her behaviour and it would be her fault if she doesn't begin to behave more appropriately before you become less pleasant. I also think it would be better to handle it before you lose it one day, MIL would definitely see that as your fault and not hers.

I would suggest you give your husband another opportunity to talk to her, then tell him if he doesn't do that, or it doesn't work, then you are going to start the above technique.

but I've never spoken like that to anyone..so I admit, I'm my own worst enemy at not being nice

well this makes you a bit of a martyr.

If she's bothering you respond like an equal and an adult. You don't have to shout and swear you can just ask her to refrain from doing certain things in a neutral voice.

I think you do need to be more persistent with her. Maybe tackle one thing at a time?

She sounds really unhinged actually. It's as if she still sees you both as children.

I had a mil that i bit my tongue with for years & years, until one day I lost it & told her what I thought of her. I do regret what I said.
She used to wait until my dh was out of the room before she would say awful things to me, so when I did tell dh what she had said, it would look like I was mad. This went on for years. My dh had an affair & she said it was my fault-I had pnd. I feel I'm ever a mil myself, I'm going to be lovely!

My MIL is bonkers but not as bad as yours. I've learnt over the rules that I can let some things go but not others.

The things which annoy me, I will say "Sorry cos I'm polite but no, I don't want to do that/go there/you to do that"

Keep it short, sweet and repeat, again and again. She will get the message. And get DH on board too.

If you try telling her this & she goes ballistic then she's def a narc!
It's very toxic & not in the least funny. She is trampling your boundaries & personal space. You do have a DH problem.
Serious talk needed before you agree to have her again. She's coming 1-2 times per year. DH needs to take time off / she needs to come for less time / stay in a B&B.
She needs BOUNDARIES. You need to spell these out. If she oversteps them you tell her, remove kids, remove invitation to stay, reduce length of visit.
Remaining reasonable is your most potent weapon in the face of all this unreasonable behaviour from her. Don't engage with her little digs. Don't defend your position. Restate the boundary.

Also if she's coming to stay for such a long time, she can't expect you to provide all entertainment Etc. She should join some clubs or something so she's getting out of the house.

Also do you do some things so you're out of the house a few times a week (sorry you probably are but just asking) so you can get away from her?

How about fake concern?
"I'm starting to worry about you MiL. I have asked you over and over again not to come into our bedroom and yet you don't seem able to remember. Are you experiencing memory problems in other areas of your life? Perhaps you should see a doctor? I can see that you are not aware of the issue but really I have mentioned it repeatedly and you forget every time".

I sympathise totally, I had a terrible time with my MIL, she never got over the fact that DH finished with the "most perfect girl", who happened to be MIL's best friend's DD, yes, really. I never stood a chance from the minute she clapped eyes on me. Red lipstick is the sign of a whore, she told DH, and that "I was no better than I should be".

For DH's sake I remained polite, tried to be 'the better person', didn't rise to the bait, you'd have had to have been a saint to not be upset by her.

The final straw was when DS was little, he needed glasses, as I do, she turned round to me in front of the whole family and said loudly, "It's obvious where he gets his bunk-eyes from, and it's not from our side of the bloody family".

I am not ashamed to say that I lost it, and gave her a right mouthful, I also told my DH that if he didn't like it, he could go and do one, and move back in with his mother, and I'd bring up our DS on my own, and they could all go and do as they please.

MIL just looked like a stunned Mullet, everybody else was just quiet, I rarely speak to MIL now, save for cards at birthday and Xmas, she occasionally sees GC's but only on our terms, she's not allowed to rock up to the house unannounced, and I couldn't give a shit what she thinks of me. It was worth giving her a piece of my mind, there is no more bullying and for that I am grateful.

Piggypoo my idea involved making sure the MIL was clearly asked not to do things, which is another way of ensuring she knows that her behaviour is unacceptable. You never know, maybe she is too dense to realise her actions are not welcomed. No way in hell your MIL didn't realise the things she said were out of order. She played with fire and got burnt.

So your husband checks out of hosting his mother and also refuses to deal with her crap........and you think the best way to handle it is to play martyr?

STOP pussyfooting around her and just let rip at her rudeness every time.
FORCE your husband to deal with it - REFUSE to have anything to do with her. Refuse to allow her to stay again until your husband proves he is dealing with it.

It makes me wonder what happened to women's self respect when they allow themselves to be treated like this...

In all honesty, I wouldn't even sniff an drink bottle if I was getting in a car, but as for your mil, why do you let her in?

Sounds like my mother in law, so much so I think you might be my sister in law😉

Actually, I'm going to ring her now & ask her if she has been on Mumsnet

I'd martyr myself a little bit more. Short term pain, long term gain and all that. I'd set my alarm for 5am for at least 3 consecutive mornings, march into her room, turn on the light, pull up the blinds, announce cheerily "good morning, MIL, a bit dark in here isn't it, I know you like it light in the mornings! Ok, we're off to visit friends, leaving in half an hour, see you downstairs" - and then helpfully pop in every 5 minutes to see how she's getting on, does she need help getting dressed, can she turn the taps on by herself, does she need a hand with the shower, etc.

My MIL is actually lovely, just frequently occasionally thoughtless and claustrophobia-inducing, so I have never had to do more than send out gentle warnings about overstepping boundaries, and frankly there's a lot that I forgive her for without mentioning it simply because she always means well and would be mortified. However, I would have no hesitation if I had a MIL like yours.

Shag like crazy at 6.59 every morning. See if she walks in then

I'd get a baby monitor for your daughter and shut the bedroom doors!

Since she is from Oz and will only bother you occasionally I don't think it's worth tackling her behaviour. Let her get on with it but make sure you get on with your life. Do what you fancy and as you please. You are both in charge of your own happiness and if she doesn't want to join you, you need to find a way to be fine while she is here. By all means be nice to her but make sure you are having an enjoyable time as well. Put your feet up with a cuppa whenever you feel like it. Ask her to pass you the cookies if she comments.
Open that second bottle of wine. If she asks whether it's wise just tell her it's nice (close enough?) and would she like a glass? Then leave it up to her to take up on the offer. It's emotionally draining, been in a similar situation, but I found it much easier, for my own sake, once I just continued to live my life as I would.

Don't forget that one day you will all become mil's so be careful how you treat yours, with age people develop little quirks.
For your husbands sake try to stay welcoming but also make sure that he does his fair share of spending time with his mum.

I have found that my DHs slipper shoved under the bedroom door, deters even the strongest of 'other side pushers'. She might think again if she's physically prevented from entering a few times.

Put a chain on your bedroom door? Then you can leave it open a bit to hear your DD, but she can't get in? Otherwise, I'd go with the shagging suggestion 😁