Next doors 5 year old kid has been screaming late at night for the past 3 years. Seriously destroying our quality of life.

[sleeplessneighbour]

They moved in around 3 years ago with their toddler, back then he screamed all day every day. Never ending tantrums. When they put him to bed at 6pm he would scream and yell for up to 2 hrs before finally exhausting himself, but often some time after midnight he would wake up again and start yelling and screaming.

For the first year this happened every single day, and I'm not exaggerating. We called over at one point (with wine and a smile I might add!) to talk to them about it and see if there was a solution we could work out. They were immediately defensive and sent us away saying that this is what kids do and refused to entertain any suggestions of moving him to a different part of the house or attempting to soundproof his room.

Over the years he does it less frequently (around 1/2 times a week) but now he is bigger he is even louder. I hear it through earplugs. It's audible in other rooms of the house and not just the one immediately adjacent to his.

I'm at my wits end. I opened my window one night and yelled at him to 'shut up' as he'd been screaming for 20 mins at 2am and the parents were upstairs in their loft conversion apparently oblivious.

WTF do I do? This is getting past the point of acceptable and has been going on for so long now that I doubt he'll ever grow out of it. Can any parents with experience of kids like this help me with how to approach them? We're a bunch of late 20's/early 30s professionals who have 1 party a year and are early to bed. We cause zero disturbance to any of our neighbours.

Any and all help appreciated, thanks from a desperate bunch of tired people.

I opened this thread wondering if I was going to read a complaint from one of our neighbours about our ASD son .... who had me up at 3am this morning, screaming from the pain of cutting an adult tooth - he normally doesn't feel pain, but teeth are his nemesis.

OP, the parents may have dismissed you at the time, but that doesn't mean that their child doesn't have a disability - they could want to keep the matter private, they could have been going through diagnosis and scared, they might have been at the end of their tether and unappreciative of what seemed to be a nosy neighbour complaining. They could equally be knobheads.

If you want a polite approach, wait until their child isn't screaming, be friendly, and have a conversation with them. Don't make it all about the child, but say something like "I have noticed that your child is easily upset, which must be tiring for you. Do you get any support with them?" It's conversational without being confrontational, and could lead to a longer discussion about the child's behaviour and its impact, during which you can mention that it disturbs your sleep too.

If you want to be more hands-off, you could approach local Children's Services. The family themselves might be battling CS to try and get support/respite (like we are!) and an independent complaint might actually support their request for help.

I think if you were to approach Environmental Services, you'd find them referring you to Children's Services first.

But would they actually do anything if the neighbours explained it was a SN issue and they were following correct advice?

But would they actually do anything if the neighbours explained it was a SN issue and they were following correct advice?

Sounds like he has special needs, but that doesn't mean that you should be kept awake because of it. I would think about moving too as he is only going to get louder as he gets older.
I hate being woken up, one of the reasons we moved (not to do with neighbours thoigh) as it was happening too often.

Three years?

F*ck me...

Haven't read entire thread... but why can't the parents soundproof his room?

All well and nice to say kids make noise, but it's not the OP's kid and parents should really be obliged to not let their kids disturb other people... even if it costs money.

Because you're selfish Acruellintentions

For stating that I'd put mine and my family's quality of life above that of a completely unrelated family who have refused all attempts to engage with me? Yeah, I'm fucking terrible. Get a grip.

It sounds horrendous, and very worrying too. Do you see the child at other times? I would expect there to be some laughter and fun as well in a family home. Do you hear the parents trying to do anything to soothe the child when he's distressed or do the parents always ignore him? It sounds like it from what you're describing.

I think if they're ignoring him, that could be neglect, which does occur in wealthy households. You should call SS anonymously. It might be that they're not actually guilty of not looking after him, but you don't know that.

Also report to Environmental Health for noise pollution. You've tried approaching them and it hasn't worked.

Please try to refrain from yelling at the 5 year old, though. I know you must be at the end of your tether but he wasn't likely to miraculously obey you, was he?

Then so am I Acruellintentions

They don't get to claim the want for privacy when their family are ruining other people's lives.

If they refuse to engage then I'd call the council, SS and police until they were bothered and distressed. Then maybe they'd sort themselves out.

But would they actually do anything if the neighbours explained it was a SN issue and they were following correct advice?

But we don't know this. It may be SN, it may be abuse. We don't know because the neighbours wouldn't engage.

arf @ "they could want to keep the matter private". I think that they have failed there, big time. OP would love them to keep it private!

Referral to social services. Anonymous. They'll know it's you but surely it can't get any worse than this. They clearly aren't taking this seriously. I'd be mortified if I were them and trying everything I could and if at all possible would be trying to move to a semi and keep the kid on the detached side of the house!

You shouldn't have to put up with this. A normal level of noise with kids is fine, you're not bothered about that. Doesn't matter what on earth is causing the noise, just that it's so loud and impacting upon your ability to enjoy your property. Your stress levels physically will be going through the roof too hearing a screaming child for hours on end.

I say that because you can genuinely say it's detrimental to your health. Long term high levels of stress is so bad for you!

And seriously... I thank my lucky stars that my neighbours' kid is such an angel.

When we moved in, the woman was pregnant. We kept on thinking, "When is she going to give birth?"

Later, we saw her push a pram and were startled that we never heard the baby cry... hence, never knew she had the baby. That kid must now be nearly three... and I swear, it's either we have superior sound insulation or that child is very quiet. I have NEVER heard her cry!!!

The main thing OP is that why the boy is screaming is of no real concern to you. your only issue is how to get it stopped!

This is your quality of like we are talking about, and you should be allowed to enjoy being in your own home without this constant screaming.
i can't imagne how awful it is having to listen to it every day.

Not read the full thread but I'm currently on the other side of the wall to you op.

My 9yo DD has severe mental health problems, is suicidal (attempts self harm frequently), has violent meltdowns where she will scream and kick/hit, the only way we can calm her is by leaving her in her room to burn herself out but of course she kicks the door repeatedly. I have been trying for years to get her help and even though we're now accessing CAMHS and have other professionals involved, nobody has actually given me any coping mechanisms or techniques to use with her. It's taken this long just to get an agreement to see her.

She had a brief improvement over the summer holidays but her anxiety over school ramped up in the last week and she had a meltdown over something minor. I came home to a letter from my neighbour complaining about the noise saying she had avoided doing so until now but it was an ongoing problem. The tone wasn't very nice.

I get that it's horrible for my neighbours but it's even worse for me. They're also not blameless as they've had screaming rows and physical fights so I've had to call the police. The letter really upset me and I'm depressed and anxious already. I feel so much more pressure to keep the noise down but it's impossible to 'make' DD do anything.

Sorry I don't have any advice op but chances are your neighbours do feel bad about it but don't know how to improve the situation. I certainly feel bad on mine but am limited in what I can do in the absence of proper professional support. These funding cuts affect everybody unfortunately.

But would they actually do anything if the neighbours explained it was a SN issue and they were following correct advice?

TBH, I doubt that. Also, you don't get much help or support with these home issues if you are having a child with SN - you are mainly left to struggle alone (speaking from experience).

I don't find telling a 5 year old to shut up funny at all, I think it's funny that she complains about noise when she's shouting out the window at 2am

Once this happened after years of constant screaming causing her major sleep deprivation. We can all do and say things that arent appropriate when we are that sleep deprived.

SS may check the child isn't being neglected but won't do anything more than that. There are thousands of children who are awake at all hours of the night, being noisy, some screaming, some doing worse. SS provide little support as they have neglect and abuse to deal with elsewhere.

Maybe try again with talking to the parents? Or move house if it's really that bad. I'm not sure what to suggest from your point of view but if you're really not exaggerating then I would be worried for the child tbh. He/she must have additional needs I would imagine, it really isn't normal for that kind of behaviour to carry on for years. A bit of crying, maybe. Screaming, no. If you think the kid sounds distressed and is being ignored, then please report it.

And mine have both been shocking sleepers! But not in the sense of screaming for hours on end....

I've been there, the parent of a child who doesn't sleep and who screamed the house down. We was at our wits end, tired from no sleep, making myself sick with worry about social services getting involved and my children being taken of us, unable to relax in our own home because I know our neighbour was listening to our every move and, just wishing a doctor or health visitor being able to come up with a diagnosis or magical cure. Not to mention upset that my child was getting these episodes.
Then having to deal with our neighbours deciding to make our lives even more of a living hell by shouting abuse at us through the walls, over the garden fence, in the street. Playing load music when dd was actually asleep and we wanted to go to bed (she would wait for us to turn our lights of), faking loud sex noises, flashing us when we was in the garden.
We payed for soundproofing, we moved her to the other side of the house but nothing worked. Luckily 2 years later we was able to sell up and move to a detached property but its left it's mark on me. I am so self conscious of myself and always assuming people are thinking the worse of us. Strangely enough as soon as we moved our dd's behaviour improved and she is only described in a good way by her teachers and now sleeps through the night and goes to bed at 6.30 and wakes at 6.30 next day. I should add our older daughter was amazing sleeper, sleeping through from 6 weeks old and generally a very easy baby.
This happens and while I know it's not a great situation you yourself has said it has got better and am sure it will continue to but if you really aren't happy maybe you should consider moving. I can ensure you the parents have done nothing wrong and if they are defensive it is because they don't know how to stop it and, they would if they could xx

Yes I have experience too. Which is why I'm wondering how the conversation would go.

'Hello we are ss, why is you child crying?'

'He has suspected asd but can't be dx till school refer him so we hired a sleep specialist who told us to leave him to cry'

Can you move bedroom? No that's not practical because of x

Can you soundproof? No we can't afford it.

Ummm okay then. I'm just imiganing the conversation from our perspective and wondering what an earth the answer would be.

If the op reoported it continually and the authorities new of the circs would they continually approach the neighbours or would they just fob the op off in that situation?

Sound proof?

The kid next door to us is about 9. Up until last year he would scream bloody murder for hours at bed time, the mum would occasionally scream back from two floors down. He's a cute kid the rest of the time, and I've had plenty of lucid and perfectly friendly and polite conversations with him, I work with children with SEN and other disabilities and I am 99.99% sure this is not the case. The mum of this kid speaks to him and his sister like dirt and it disgusts me. I know the SS stance is that they are clean, fed and watered and dropped to school daily, but she is very coarse with them. I honestly think he was doing it for attention. He went away for one whole summer and I was told he went to stay at an auntie's. When he came back it simply never happened again. As I said he's as 'normal' a boy as you can imagine, and yet we had hours and hours of screaming through the night, every night for years. So. Call police if you think he's being harmed or neglected. They'll alert SS as standard. If there's an underlying issue that's already being addressed then no harm done. It is really unacceptable to let a kid scream like that without trying every possible strategy known to man. You can't just carry on and not even apologise to your neighbours.