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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Next doors 5 year old kid has been screaming late at night for the past 3 years. Seriously destroying our quality of life.

305 replies

sleeplessneighbour · 06/09/2017 15:15

They moved in around 3 years ago with their toddler, back then he screamed all day every day. Never ending tantrums. When they put him to bed at 6pm he would scream and yell for up to 2 hrs before finally exhausting himself, but often some time after midnight he would wake up again and start yelling and screaming.

For the first year this happened every single day, and I'm not exaggerating. We called over at one point (with wine and a smile I might add!) to talk to them about it and see if there was a solution we could work out. They were immediately defensive and sent us away saying that this is what kids do and refused to entertain any suggestions of moving him to a different part of the house or attempting to soundproof his room.

Over the years he does it less frequently (around 1/2 times a week) but now he is bigger he is even louder. I hear it through earplugs. It's audible in other rooms of the house and not just the one immediately adjacent to his.

I'm at my wits end. I opened my window one night and yelled at him to 'shut up' as he'd been screaming for 20 mins at 2am and the parents were upstairs in their loft conversion apparently oblivious.

WTF do I do? This is getting past the point of acceptable and has been going on for so long now that I doubt he'll ever grow out of it. Can any parents with experience of kids like this help me with how to approach them? We're a bunch of late 20's/early 30s professionals who have 1 party a year and are early to bed. We cause zero disturbance to any of our neighbours.

Any and all help appreciated, thanks from a desperate bunch of tired people.

OP posts:
hooochycoo · 07/09/2017 09:45

If my neighbours came to complain to me about DS, I'd probably break down and cry in front of them to be honest.

hooochycoo · 07/09/2017 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hooochycoo · 07/09/2017 09:52

Yetanothersoartacus, I completely agree. But like you say, what answers are there? I try my best, I do what I can. I do my upmost to teach my children to be considerate to those around them. Like I've already said, every morning I physically stop them going through to the kitchen until seven as I know my neighbours bedroom is beneath and the kitchen is uncarpeted. I tell them why everyday. it doesn't always work.

hooochycoo · 07/09/2017 09:58

(Although just to be clear, the kitchen does have soundproofing membrane under the flooring).

senua · 07/09/2017 09:59

I physically stop them going through to the kitchen until seven as I know my neighbours bedroom is beneath and the kitchen is uncarpeted. I tell them why everyday. it doesn't always work.

Do you tell your neighbour, too? It sounds like you think communication with your DC is important but not communication with the neighbours.
Why not tell them that, if left to his own devices, DS would heffalump every day but you try to stop him. Apologise for the one day a week that he does it but remind them that it could be seven days a week. Let them know that you are trying.

Nikephorus · 07/09/2017 10:04

hooch some people's kids are just undisciplined & don't have any SN issues - it's because of those parents that no-one has any patience left for the kids who can't help it. If 9 times out of 10 a screaming child is just badly behaved because of crap parenting then most people are going to reasonably assume that the 10th kid they see having a tantrum is the same. But if the 9 kids had been properly parented then people would see the 10th kid as being the exception and would therefore automatically give them the benefit of the doubt and be sympathetic rather than thinking "just another crap parent". So it's the can't-be-arsed parents who are screwing it up for the SN parents. Don't blame the people who are assuming you're another bad parent (as tempting as it is), blame the real bad parents who have it a darn sight easier than you but can't be arsed to be a parent.

hooochycoo · 07/09/2017 10:08

My neighbours have never actually complained. That maybe because they aren't disturbed. That maybe because they see his wheelchair and general behaviour and understand and are kind and don't want to add more stress. That maybe because I successfully mitigate the noise and therefore there isn't a problem.

Or they may silently suffer and hate us.

If they did come and complain I would talk to them though. Although I might cry . I might be stressed. I would do my best.

The OP's neighbour's aren't me though and I'm projecting wildly.

They may just be inconsiderate entitled wankers with naughty kids.
I don't know, and the OP has my full sympathy. Not an easy situation for sure.

It's hard this being human and living in proximity with other humans thing.

fleshmarketclose · 07/09/2017 10:39

This thread makes me grateful our neighbour is as deaf as a post tbh. I still remember the grin I had when I went to introduce myself and warn her about ds and his lack of a need to sleep and she said"Ooh don't mind me when I take out my hearing aids I don't hear a thing til next morning Grin" We are a match made in heaven tbh.

MadMags · 07/09/2017 10:45

If you shouted at my child to "shut up" I would be giving you something to start screaming about

You iz well 'ard bruv. Hmm

Siarie · 07/09/2017 10:48

My dd is only two but she cries endlessly in the day sometimes, we are still waiting for a diagnosis for her (she has delays). I feel quite sorry for my neighbours but there isn't anything i can do about it, I don't want to listen to it either.

senua · 07/09/2017 10:51

It's hard this being human and living in proximity with other humans thing.

Trudat, as Jean Paul Satre would have said.Grin

hooochycoo · 07/09/2017 10:53

www.avforums.com/threads/cheap-soundproofing-from-neighbours.291152/ These people seem to have some ideas of how to help yourself

hooochycoo · 07/09/2017 11:14

www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/property/advice/9907304/Jeff-Howell-whats-the-best-way-to-soundproof-my-house.html

And this.

Maybe a good way to deal with it would be to send something like this letter?

"Dear Neighbour,

You may remember that we have previously enquired about the frequent noise pollution between our houses.

We'd like to stress that we understand that this is a difficult issue to talk about. That's why we thought a letter might be useful.
We understand that there maybe medical or other reasons that mean that controlling the noise is difficult, and do understand that you may not be comfortable discussing this with us. But equally we wanted to open a conversation, as we are finding the noise pollution very difficult to cope with and are therefore considering our options of how to improve our situation.

Maybe you would be able to reply to this letter with any ideas of how to mitigate the problem from both our properties? For instance, we are looking into fitting sound proofing into our home. Obviously this is an expensive solution so it would be good to understand how the layout of the rooms in our houses may effect the travel if sounds and if there are any quick and easy things to help.
It would also help us to accept and cope with the ongoing noise if we could talk to you about the problem and have a better understanding. Even if only via letter. Do feel free to come and knock on the door though if you feel able to talk. The kettle will be on or the corkscrew at the ready,

Best

Neighbour's

lazyarse123 · 07/09/2017 11:17

Why is theop being threatened for shouting at the kid. Parents occasionally lose it with their own kids. It's allowed. Sorry don't have any Answers but you have my sympathy. Everybody is saying the kid probably has sn or he could just be a brat with parents who don't care.

Slimthistime · 07/09/2017 12:06

OP "They were immediately defensive and sent us away saying that this is what kids do and refused to entertain any suggestions of moving him to a different part of the house or attempting to soundproof his room. "

just a reminder of what OP said. May not be any special needs anyway.

Nikephorus · 07/09/2017 12:36

May not be any special needs anyway.
If they're saying "this is what kids do" then I'd put my money on crap parenting and not on SN.

kali110 · 07/09/2017 12:48

If you shouted at my child to "shut up" I would be giving you something to start screaming about
What a delight Hmm
I Take it you've never once got stressed or lost your temper?

gandalf456 · 07/09/2017 13:12

To be fair, it wasn't OP's finest moment, which I am sure she realises. I remember when DS was small and going through a phase of crying in the night, the neighbours banged on the wall. I was trying to sort it out, and I did eventually, but it was the last thing I needed at the time. I did not want him screaming in the middle of the night either and waking the whole house up, along with next door.. I was actually in the room trying to settle him at the time. It didn't go on for that long (certainly not 3 hours and definitely not 3 yrs) but I can't see how it could have been construed as helpful at all. I guess they were just as frustrated as I was but it did make me feel a bit shit.

hooochycoo · 07/09/2017 13:40

It could be crap parenting and SN.

the two aren't mutually exclusive you know.

Sometimes the SN causes the crap parent.

It's all speculation anyway.

LittleMouseontheDairy · 07/09/2017 13:40

If you shouted at my child to 'shut up' I would be giving you something to start screaming about

If you attempted to be rude to me in these circumstances I would tell you that it was YOUR FAULT that your child got shouted at. If you put your child in a position where you are inflicting their sustained night time noise pollution on people around them for over three years, so that those people snap and shout at them (understandably) because you have not a) ever explained or apologised to the neighbours or b) ever tried to deal with the child's screaming then it is down to you, as the parent, for not protecting them from this situation.

This is disgustingly selfish behaviour. An explanation or an apology is owed in a sitatution where the people who live around you have constant disturbed sleep for years. It may be that the child does have SN and the parents do try their hardest but they still owe an explanation/ apology! I really do not understand the thought process of posters who can't compute this. What about common decency? Consideration for the people who live and sleep around you?

newtlover · 07/09/2017 13:50

I have not RFTFT, but from the first and last page I am astonished that most posters are treating this as a noise nuisance issue. For some reason that we don't know a child is regularly crying late at night and for extended periods. And this has gone on for years. The family needs help, whatever the cause. I think OP should keep a log of the crying for a week or so in order to evidence the severity and then contact social services, also perhaps the child's school if that is known.

It maybe that nothing can be done about the crying but if I was OP I would be prioritising the child's welfare and buying some earplugs.

Amatree · 07/09/2017 13:52

This!

user1487689176 · 07/09/2017 14:08

It always amazes me how people here assume their quality of life automatically trumps others' because they have children. My sympathies OP, it's not your fault nor should it be your problem that your neighbours chose to procreate. It was very kind of you to go round with wine.

I'm having this same problem myself. Child screaming, running, banging at all hours. I have lived in close proximity to other families and heard a lotless noise - the difference is parenting standards. Sorry you got unlucky, as I did. The only thing that works for me is banging loudly and repeatedly, making more of a nuisance for them than they do for me. This seems to drive the point home occasionally. I only do this when it really gets too much and I'm in despair at the noise. I can completely understand why you shouted shut up, never being able to relax is just maddening and we all have a breaking point.

backintown · 07/09/2017 14:20

Wowsers there are some batshit answers on this thread OP!

Call social services - in the absence of any SN it sounds like neglect and you would be doing a good thing for that child. If there are SN then at least you open a dialogue with an external agency involved and you can explain the issue and discuss what happens next between you all. It isn't normal for a child to be that distressed for any amount of time, especially years on end. Good luck OP.

notanotherNC · 07/09/2017 15:13

Move.