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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband should have wanted to spend more time with me and our sick baby in the hospital?

102 replies

dellacucina · 06/09/2017 12:26

Here is the scenario: Monday morning, my baby was terribly ill. I called 111 and they immediately sent an ambulance which put on its blue lights and siren etc.

I barely had slept the night before due to baby being unsettled. DH slept in the spare room. We were both unwell in the morning, though he probably felt worse.

Husband stayed with us all day Monday without complaint. Monday night, he planned to leave me alone in hospital with the very sick baby but I insisted that he stay. He left all day on Tuesday to sleep and do stuff at home. His mother came to provide some support. He finally came back around 7:30 pm. At 11:30 pm he again said he wanted to go home. I told him I needed his help in the night.

We agreed Tuesday (last) night that he would go home to let a tradesman in and then come back to help with the anticipated discharge.

This morning, he woke me up and said I needed to tell him what to take since he wasn't really planning to come back; hospital staff could help me carry things down to a taxi.

I told him I needed his help, even if it just was a matter of having emotional support after being stuck in a hospital ward with a sick baby for 2.5 days. I said he had to come back.

Several hours later I asked when he was returning. He had just gotten on with chores and apparently had no intention of returning until I summoned him.

I feel he is being unsupportive and weird. AIBU?

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 06/09/2017 12:30

Hope you little one is much better very soon! Flowers

Unless you've another child at home that needs looking after, which I assume you would've mentioned, he's being a total prick!

Yes, he's probably struggling with dealing with a very ill child. But so are you. And most important of all is the actual ill child, who needs looking after.

ShiftyLookingBadger · 06/09/2017 12:31

YANBU, sounds terrifying and you both needed eachothers support. Is he always like this? If not then maybe it was his way of coping... AKA being 'away' from the distress.

What has he said when you confront him? How is bubba now? Hope you are ok OP.

2014newme · 06/09/2017 12:31

Sorry your baby is poorly.. We would manage it that we took turns doimg the night around hospital while the other came home. So you both get a break. You don't both need to be there 24/7.

LIZS · 06/09/2017 12:32

It is a tricky one. Presumably you were under nursing care in hospital so maybe he felt a bit redundant. I'm surprised he wasn't planning to collect you though. Hope lo is recovering well now.

Babymamamama · 06/09/2017 12:33

I think you should be taking turns at this. I honestly don't think two parents are needed. Unless you are exclusively breast feeding could you go home and take a well earned break?

Wishfulmakeupping · 06/09/2017 12:34

Unless you've got another child at home he is being unreasonable.
It's horrible being in hospital with a poorly dc I've been through myself it's the most stressful terrifying lonely experience my Dh had to be at home with our dd- hope you're little one is well soon op

PotteringAlong · 06/09/2017 12:34

You were being unreasonable about the overnight stuff - you don't both need to be there. Assuming you don't have any other children and didn't need to be at work then I'd expect him there in the day.

Toddlerteaplease · 06/09/2017 12:34

We do allow both parents to stay on our ward. (One has to sleep in a chair, only o e camp bed allowed for safety reasons) But prefer it if you don't. Better to do it in shifts so one of you is a bit fresher and has had some sleep.

Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 12:38

My going home for a break was not mentioned as an option. I had assumed we would both stay, and was surprised when he tried to go home given I was the one who had been in hospital with little sleep for so long. I am no longer breastfeeding, but would have found it hard to leave her.

His position is that he was deathly ill Monday night and that it made more sense for him to get on with things at home than all of us being exhausted. (I guess he thought it was best that only I am exhausted?)

He generally lacks empathy and seems not to care about spending much time with us. It is a source of tension.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 12:40

Thanks for all the good wishes for baby, btw! She seems to be much better now and we are home.

OP posts:
2014newme · 06/09/2017 12:40

Did you suggest taking it in turns op?
You don't both need to be there all night.

Notevilstepmother · 06/09/2017 12:41

He probably felt there was nothing for him to do at the hospital and that he would be under the nurses feet. Maybe he thinks getting the chores done so you don't have to do them when you are tired is supportive? Some men are much better at showing their love practically than emotionally.

Mumof41987 · 06/09/2017 12:41

Unless it's critical then you both don't need to be there 24/7 . My dd was on icu for three weeks and my dh stayed when she was very very poorly but went home when she was stable ( still very poorly but not critical ) . There was no pint in us both being exhausted and I made him go and get sleep

Aridane · 06/09/2017 12:44

I think YABU - you don't both need to be there 24/7. But wishing you and your little one all the best Flowers

TresDesolee · 06/09/2017 12:46

Has he been offering to let you go home to get a decent sleep while he stays?

Nobody sleeps well in hospital and it doesn't make a lot of sense to have you both strung out and exhausted. If you have very much wanted to stay 24/7, he might genuinely feel he'll be more use to you after a few hours of sleep. (I'm hopeless without sleep myself!) Plus there probably are things at home that need to be done.

Bit on the fence I suppose. It's awful that your baby is so unwell, but I can empathise if he feels that two of you standing guard in hospital 24/7 is a bit OTT.

If he's being selfish or deliberately unsupportive though, that's different

Sounds very tough - hope your baby recovers well.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/09/2017 12:48

I hope your baby is getting better op but i think ywbu, You both didn't need to be there at all times Flowers

dollydaydream114 · 06/09/2017 12:51

I think he probably felt he was being more useful sorting things out at home, plus if he was 'deathly ill' with something infectious it's probably best he isn't spending a lot of time on a hospital ward with sick babies. I understand why you wanted him there but he was probably much more useful at home.

Really glad your little girl is better now and what a horrible experience for you all.

Quartz2208 · 06/09/2017 12:51

To be honest the times I have been in hospital with my child I have not expected my husband to stay - its better for him to go home and get himself rested so he can then help me during the day so I can get some rest. Two parents overnight at a hospital seems OTT and unfair on the other patients

But he should totally have been there for discharge!

Dreamscared · 06/09/2017 12:51

I'm surprised the hospital let you both stay. On any wards I have been on it has been one parent overnight or none. If a child is very critical obviously that's different.

Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 12:52

No, there was no mention or offer that I could go home to sleep. He also did not bring up going home himself until late in the evening when i had mentioned much earlier that I thought we were both staying.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 06/09/2017 12:52

To be honest I would have been amazed if the hospital had let you both stay 24/7 none of the ones Ds has stayed in would allow that unless it was a critical situation.

If you had wanted to go home for a break then you should have asked him to swap. Him being well rested makes a lot of sense as when baby comes home then he will still need extra looking after - using the time he is safe in hosprial makes a lot of sense really and is exactly how the nurse who sent me home to sleep explained it.

Hope he is on the mend now.

Tilapia · 06/09/2017 12:52

I can understand your DH's point of view that both of you being exhausted doesn't really help anyone. But he should have offered to stay while you went home for a break.

JWrecks · 06/09/2017 12:53

I don't think that both of you being there 24/7 is necessary. Being in hospital, especially if under observation or waiting, is boring, uncomfortable, distressing, and just in general really horrible.

That said:
"hospital staff could help me carry things down to a taxi"

When you've a perfectly healthy husband to do that? That's a bit shit. I don't quite understand why he wouldn't be ecstatic to come get you and baby OUT of hospital??

Wonderful to hear baby is better. Flowers That must have been terrifying.

Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 12:54

We are both unwell; everyone in the family has the same virus.

Interested to see comments saying I have been unreasonable! I guess a lot of the problem is how he presented the plan that he would come home, especially when I was obviously so exhausted myself.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/09/2017 12:55

Do you have any other dc?

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