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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband should have wanted to spend more time with me and our sick baby in the hospital?

102 replies

dellacucina · 06/09/2017 12:26

Here is the scenario: Monday morning, my baby was terribly ill. I called 111 and they immediately sent an ambulance which put on its blue lights and siren etc.

I barely had slept the night before due to baby being unsettled. DH slept in the spare room. We were both unwell in the morning, though he probably felt worse.

Husband stayed with us all day Monday without complaint. Monday night, he planned to leave me alone in hospital with the very sick baby but I insisted that he stay. He left all day on Tuesday to sleep and do stuff at home. His mother came to provide some support. He finally came back around 7:30 pm. At 11:30 pm he again said he wanted to go home. I told him I needed his help in the night.

We agreed Tuesday (last) night that he would go home to let a tradesman in and then come back to help with the anticipated discharge.

This morning, he woke me up and said I needed to tell him what to take since he wasn't really planning to come back; hospital staff could help me carry things down to a taxi.

I told him I needed his help, even if it just was a matter of having emotional support after being stuck in a hospital ward with a sick baby for 2.5 days. I said he had to come back.

Several hours later I asked when he was returning. He had just gotten on with chores and apparently had no intention of returning until I summoned him.

I feel he is being unsupportive and weird. AIBU?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 06/09/2017 13:15

You both take turns. Since he's the selfish type, you announce, 'I'm going home for some sleep whilst you stay.' Glad your wee one is okay.

Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 13:15

Salamisandwich: various things. He was mean to me early in the pregnancy when I was exhausted, I guess because he thought I looked fine. Later in the pregnancy he was insensitive and unsupportive. One example is that we were out at a party when I was over 9 months pregnant. I suddenly became nauseous and told him we had to go NOW and he made me wait while he slowly ate 4 pieces of pizza and chatted with people. He later said that this was because I seemed to be fine. (I kept up pleasant conversation etc to not make others uncomfortable).

With the baby here, he expects me to care for her 24/7 and he has not made himself available to help much, even on weekends. He is resistant to getting childcare even though we have plenty of money because he is very cheap.

OP posts:
FuzzyOwl · 06/09/2017 13:18

Flowers for you and I really hope your baby is safely out of hospital soon.

If I am honest, I wouldn't expect or ask my husband to stay in hospital. I think things always seem worse when exhausted and that it is better to take turns getting rest. However, I would expect my husband to be supportive so I think you need to find a compromise you are both happy with. You also need to look after yourself whilst your little boy is unwell, so don't neglect food and sleep.

drspouse · 06/09/2017 13:21

I am surprised the hospital let you both stay/provided space for you. My DS was in hospital at about 15/16 months and again a few months later - no other DCs - and they gave us one bed, one of those occasions he was in a room with a cot, room for one bed and no more room.

We swapped over nights and as we were both supposed to be working, made sure that we had a reasonable night's sleep the night before going to work.

It wasn't all that hard to get stuff together for discharge either, but I agree a lift home would have been nice. I seem to remember on one occasion DS was allowed out during the day and we aren't far from the hospital so I took him in his buggy home, with a load of stuff, so there was less to take the next day.

SalamiSandwich · 06/09/2017 13:22

Why are you with him?

Sprinklestar · 06/09/2017 13:23

Just leave him now before your child is exposed to his twattish ways. He sounds controlling and uncaring.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/09/2017 13:27

OP did he even want a baby? Is seriously consider why you're with him

Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 13:29

HE was the one who wanted a baby! I adore her and am very happy to care for her, but I had thought he might be a bit more interested in spending time with her.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 06/09/2017 13:30

In general expecting 2 parents to stay in hospital is Unreasonable.

I stayed in hospital a couple of times with my DS ( i am a LP but no option but just me) .. but lots of parents there did it in shifts.

Looking after a little one in hospital is tiring but once home and you know they are well that is when exhaustion sets in...So actually his suggestion was best...No real point complaining he went not you when you didn't actually want to leave.

However the rest of the relationship does need looking at..Once you have got some rest.

SalamiSandwich · 06/09/2017 13:30

That's really sad. Parenting is about being a team. Is she going to grow up wondering why are Dad pays her little attention? Fuck that.

Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 13:31

Salamisandwich: not fully certain at this stage :-/

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 13:34

Salamisandwich: it is sad. The first day when she was really ill, she cried if anyone but me held her, including him

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 06/09/2017 13:34

Sirzy, we do allow two parents to stay but they are only allowed one bed. So we can reach the child and the oxygen and suction in an emergency. Many of our families live along way away so going home isn't an option for some parents. (Regional centre for several specialities)

thecatsthecats · 06/09/2017 13:41

It sounds awful, but it also sounds like the question was never especially on the table that you WANTED to leave, you just wanted to stay the whole time and him with you. Even with your update, you wanted him to share the care overnight, not take some time away for yourself.

He does sound like a selfish arse, but do you think if you'd said 'Can I take next night at home so I can sleep?', would he have said yes? (ignore the fact that you didn't want to for a moment!).

SleepingStandingUp · 06/09/2017 13:43

How old is she?

I will ssaythat for some parents its just too much seeing a little one poorly and they debt cope

Gindingaling · 06/09/2017 13:44

OP, I think if him not spending much time with you normally wasn't a sore point then you wouldn't be feeling so bad about what you've described in your OP.

I think this is probably a good time for you to sit and think about the reality of whether he meets your needs or not on an emotional level or as a companion, someone you want to go through life with, someone who's on board with you.

Being lonely is bad enough when you're on your own but being lonely when youre in a relationship is even worse so unlike some others Im going to say - its thinking time.

I hope you the the wee one feel better soon.

Gindingaling · 06/09/2017 13:45

I hope you the the wee one feel better soon

Sorry about that. Blush

BlackSwan · 06/09/2017 13:46

Both parents staying overnight is unreasonable - taking turns is ideal. It gets crowded and disruptive to other patients/parents/nurses if there are more people staying overnight (I have done my share of o/n hospital stays... DH has done zero).
If your baby wants mum, then you just have to be the main carer. That doesn't mean you don't get a break, but don't expect an even split. The fact that you're all unwell is really really unfortunate though. It's much harder in that situation. Most hospitals wouldn't want you round if you had a sickness bug as well as your child (if that's what it was).

BabsGanoush · 06/09/2017 13:46

He sounds a dick...

...however, you were ALL tired and All sick, and you were unlikely to leave your child no matter how tired you were, so he probably didn't think to offer. My DH isn't good in these situations and is best at home to keep the house going and being practical in his own way.

Is it possible you are a little needy and he is a little distant and difficult?

He really didn't need to be at the hospital all the time, so long as he was in touch by phone or text. At the BBQ, when you said you needed to leave NOW, you did manage to hang on a bit. Could you have said "I feel unwell, can we get off soon?" or asked him to ring you a taxi and so he could stay longer?

SalamiSandwich · 06/09/2017 13:47

If a parent or family member came on to the ward with a sicknes bug we would send them home.

2014newme · 06/09/2017 13:48

Not sure I would have picked him out of all the men in the world to have a baby with! But you did so presumably he has good points too. Maybe not ones that would outweigh refusing to pick you both up from hospital though. He'd not be the man for me.

HappyFeetAgain · 06/09/2017 13:51

Yanbu op he sounds very selfish and likes to do things on his terms and manipulate you into thinking he knows best.
My ds went into hospital at 2weeks old and we had a private room, so there was a bed and an armchair. My poor dh insisted on staying and slept on the armchair the first night but he looked wrecked the next day so i insisted he went home. But he stayed until 12am and was back at 6:30 every day until ds came home. He took leave as well. Not every person can take leave as such but my point is that a parent will do anything they can to be there for the family.

KityGlitr · 06/09/2017 13:52

Yeah yabu. If you wanted to go home and rest while he stayed with her you could have used your words to ask for that! Though you did say you wouldn't have been able to bear leaving her so maybe he knew that there was no point asking for that and so didn't?

It's much better for him to go back and rest and sort the house out for your return (you said he was doing chores). And if I've got my maths right, he was actually there the entire Monday, overnight Monday, and the evening of Tuesday too? So he was there more than half the time!

Not coming to pick you both up is a bit of a dick move though I admit. But ywbu expecting him to be there 24/7 if you were gonna stay there too.

supersop60 · 06/09/2017 13:56

YANBU for wanting support. It's terrifying when your baby is hospitalised. Common sense would say - take it in turns, so you both get some rest. He was BU not to come and pick you up - no excuse for that. Glad your baby is better Flowers

Amanduh · 06/09/2017 13:58

Yanbu he's been a right twat