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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my husband should have wanted to spend more time with me and our sick baby in the hospital?

102 replies

dellacucina · 06/09/2017 12:26

Here is the scenario: Monday morning, my baby was terribly ill. I called 111 and they immediately sent an ambulance which put on its blue lights and siren etc.

I barely had slept the night before due to baby being unsettled. DH slept in the spare room. We were both unwell in the morning, though he probably felt worse.

Husband stayed with us all day Monday without complaint. Monday night, he planned to leave me alone in hospital with the very sick baby but I insisted that he stay. He left all day on Tuesday to sleep and do stuff at home. His mother came to provide some support. He finally came back around 7:30 pm. At 11:30 pm he again said he wanted to go home. I told him I needed his help in the night.

We agreed Tuesday (last) night that he would go home to let a tradesman in and then come back to help with the anticipated discharge.

This morning, he woke me up and said I needed to tell him what to take since he wasn't really planning to come back; hospital staff could help me carry things down to a taxi.

I told him I needed his help, even if it just was a matter of having emotional support after being stuck in a hospital ward with a sick baby for 2.5 days. I said he had to come back.

Several hours later I asked when he was returning. He had just gotten on with chores and apparently had no intention of returning until I summoned him.

I feel he is being unsupportive and weird. AIBU?

OP posts:

mindutopia · 06/09/2017 12:55

Assuming you had no other child at home and he didn't need to work, I would expect him to be there with you or trading off with you to give you a break. If he was ill and you weren't, I do think it's reasonable for him to go home and rest and get better assuming you were well enough yourself to stay on. I don't think it makes sense for people who are sick to get sicker if there's no reason. Also, if it's contagious, a hospital probably isn't the best place to be. But other than that and work obligations/caring for other children, yes, it's unreasonable for him to not think he needs to be there as much as you.

Original poster

dellacucina · 06/09/2017 12:57

No other DCs! Just the one 8 month old.

OP posts:

Migraleve · 06/09/2017 12:57

No, there was no mention or offer that I could go home to sleep. Assuming you are an adult this is down to you. Why would you wait for him to mention you going home? Is communication normally a problem within your marriage? The idea that you quietly wait for him to tell you you can go for a sleep is quite bizarre. Simple conversation is all hat was required. I be stayed a few times, I usually send DH home, not just because we have other dc (one is old enough to watch the others) but because it does not need 2 exhausted parents. However at the point where I want a break I would simply say 'can you stay tonight/this afternoon/evening, I need to go home and grab a nap and a shower' or something similar.

Redredredrose · 06/09/2017 12:59

He generally lacks empathy and seems not to care about spending much time with us. It is a source of tension.

Has he always been like this or just since your DD arrived?

Original poster

dellacucina · 06/09/2017 12:59

Migraleve: I hadn't mentioned going home because I had assumed both of us were staying. He sprung the idea that he would leave on me at the last second, literally as we were going to bed. Maybe if he had mentioned going home to sleep sooner, I would have said actually, I think it is my turn!

OP posts:

MapMyMum · 06/09/2017 13:02

I think you were both BU. You dont need to wait for him to suggest taking it in turns for going home and resting and tbh 2 people plus baby is a lot in a hospital, when thats happened to us it is just too cramped for everyone to stay and makes things more stressful. He was BU to not communicate better, but I wonder if he knew you would react the way you did and thats why he left it til the last minute to tell you he was going home/not coming back in. Not saying that makes it ok but I could understand if thats why he did it. It does annoy hospital staff when both parents stay in an uncritical situation - yes it is your PFB but they have a job to do and stepping over people and the extra bags they need can really hamper things

Original poster

dellacucina · 06/09/2017 13:02

Redredredrose: He has always been a bit selfish and emotionally stupid. He has been extra shit at times about the baby and pregnancy, however.

I am aware that I probably should have been warned about his personality.

OP posts:

Meercat2 · 06/09/2017 13:03

I am really surprised that there was an option for both of you to stay. A have worked in multiple paediatric units and all have only capacity for one parent staying
Sounds like you have general issues around sharing care?

Crunchymum · 06/09/2017 13:04

Glad your little one is home now OP..

We had our little one in for 4 days and 3 nights and whilst DP did come and collect us and came in the evenings to allow me to go home for a shower / few hours respite, he didn't stay with us the whole time.

Many factors were at play - I was on ML and DP is self employed so actually worked the 4 days we were in , he would have lost best part of £1k and possibly the whole project if he hadn't worked, plus I felt we didn't need to both be there - it was a busy ward and part closed down with a Noro outbreak.

Crucial thing was, what we decided to do worked for both of us!!

I guess you need to decide if this is something worth holding a grudge over or falling out over? By all means tell him how you feel but then it's probably best to move on.

Migraleve · 06/09/2017 13:05

I hadn't mentioned going home because I had assumed both of us were staying.

My point still stands. Lack of communication. You made assumptions. It's safe to say he probably did too.

Lucyandpoppy · 06/09/2017 13:06

Agree that both of you being there not necessary but he should definately have offered you to go home one night and sleep. Hospitals grind you down, he should have taken his turn so that you could have gone home one night and for some time during the day. He should also have picked you up and not expected you to get a taxi

Original poster

dellacucina · 06/09/2017 13:06

Meercat2: yes, he works late almost every night and always says he will be home far earlier than the time he actually arrives. His job is demanding and it can be difficult to get out, but he is very bad at communicating about ETAs.

He also has made himself unavailable every weekend for the past 6 weeks working on a DIY project that I disagreed with his doing (we can easily afford to pay someone to do it). So I am extra upset and extra exhausted from not having any support at home for a long time.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 06/09/2017 13:06

On the face of it yab a little bit u - there is no point in you both being knackered. I say this as someone who, mercifully, has a supportive dh.

However if he's generally shit then yanbu at all.

The question is what are you prepared to do about it?

ohfourfoxache · 06/09/2017 13:07

X post op

Yeah, he sounds like a bit of a dick

Original poster

dellacucina · 06/09/2017 13:08

Migraleve: I take it back; it wasn't an assumption. I said when he arrived at 7:30, great that you had some sleep! You can take over more of the care tonight then since I haven't had the same chance to rest!

OP posts:

abigailgabble · 06/09/2017 13:08

I suppose it depends on the wider context. is this yet another example of him setting his family aside? t did he genuinely see the logic in keeping the house running sonyou had a pleasant return?

Magicpaintbrush · 06/09/2017 13:09

I think YANBU. You are ill too and tired too, why is he the only one who goes home to rest and it is assumed that you have to stay at hospital to deal with your sick baby all alone? If he had gone home and then returned and offered to stay whilst you went home to sleep/shower etc then that would be different, but he has literally left you holding the baby whilst he sorts his own needs out first.

Also, I suspect (I could be wrong) that as a loving mother you would have been more reluctant to leave your baby than he has been - hence why you feel his behaviour is weird?

MissDuke · 06/09/2017 13:10

He does sound like a nightmare but you say yourself that he always was - I don't think you can change people to be honest. You made the decision to have a baby with him so I presume you think there is something worth saving in this relationship.

SalamiSandwich · 06/09/2017 13:10

It sounds like this is part of a much larger problem. In what way has he been extra shit about the pregnancy/baby?

Original poster

dellacucina · 06/09/2017 13:10

Ohfourfoxache: great question! I am not sure what I can do about it.

We are home now and he is being nice and helpful. He made a point of telling me how sensible his plan was and how it makes life easier for everyone. This is his usual approach - he does what he thinks is best even if he knows I disagree.

OP posts:

bumblingbovine49 · 06/09/2017 13:12

Only you can know if he is being unresaonable. DH and I have been in the situation when DS was taken to hospital by ambulance with suspected bacterial meningitis. Luckily it turned out to be a much less serious case of viral meningities but we didn't know that for about 3 days while tests were being done, and DS was very ill during that time.

I stayed with him the whole time. The hospital had permanent parent beds beside each bed in the children's ward which I could use to rest when I needed or when possible but there was no point in DH staying overnight as two people could not sleep there and in fact the hospital discouraged more than one parent staying overnight

DS was in for 4 days. Dh came in each day and brought me food, clean clothes, allowed me to go for a shower/break etc but he didn't stay all day and he certainly went home to sleep. Why would I want both of us to be exhausted?

I could have gone home to sleep one of the nights as DH was more than happy to take a turn at night but DS really wanted me and I didn't want to leave him so I stayed for all of the nights he was there.

However, I completely know that DH would have stayed all nighte if I asked him to, so I think that might be the problem here.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/09/2017 13:13

OP I'm glad to hear you're all on the mend

To my mind you both go into hospital with little one and stay till a reaaobable bedtime, you both eat at hospital. Assuming baby was stable - at my hospitals only one parent was allowed overnight (we have done A LOT of hospital stays in 2 years) so 1 stays and one goes. Parent going home leaves and gets a proper sleep. Arrives by 10 ne t day with coffee and food. Staying parent immediately gets a break. If you don't want to go hone overnight then he goes and he does little bits of necessary housework, throws a wash in etc once he's home. If not at work, he comes e very day and he sure as hell gets there for discharge

abigailgabble · 06/09/2017 13:14

does he drive/have a car?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 06/09/2017 13:15

In all honesty, if both adults had the virus too, I would think it best for only one of you to have been at the hospital at a time. Ideally, wards wouldn't want any visitors with a nasty virus at all - but when those visitors are parents of a small child, of course they have to relax their own rules.

Being poorly yourself and worried about your DD, I can understand why you feel unsupported. However, from the outside looking in, I think that you should have taken the first "shift" as it were (because you said that at that point, DH was feeling worse than you) but that after a day's rest he should have come back to the hospital and spent the second day there whilst you went home to sleep, shower, eat etc.

The only exception to this is if your child was gravely ill (i.e. life in danger) in which case of course you should have been able to expect DH to stay with you both for the entire duration.

He should also have come to collect you both without being asked.

I hope your DD is home & everyone is feeling better very soon .

Willow2017 · 06/09/2017 13:15

Where did he get the idea that nursing staff have the time to cart down patients things to a waiting car?

I cant get over a father not wanting to collect their baby from the ward and expecting strangers to do it for him!

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